Partner angry at me - who is in the wrong?

[Coconutalmond]

I am a nurse and returned to the NHS a few months ago after a few years out of practice. I originally left the NHS because of the stress and dissatisfaction I felt with the care I could give. However, no other job has felt right, and being a nurse has always felt like what I am meant to do.

So I started my new nursing job a few months ago, and unfortunately it has been everything I feared. Lack of support, unsafe working conditions etc. I have already spoken to my line manager about this, and although my manager is lovely, there hasnt been much she can do.

This has led me to feel very anxious about work, the day before my shift I start to feel the anxiety and dread come on. I have been finding it really difficult to sleep, and have had an upset stomach and migraines from the stress and worry.

I know that no job is worth me feeling like this, so I 100% intend to think about my plan going forward, and I'm going to talk to my manager on my Monday about what she can offer me in terms of more support for my return to practice, if not, I know I will have to put my health first and leave.

My partner has been on the whole supportive during this time. Helping to encourage and comfort me when I'm feeling anxious. He downloaded the calm app on his phone and we have been listening to that every night together, which we have both found helpful in helping us sleep.

Thursday night was absolutely horrendous. I was awake all night, tried everything to help me relax, lavender, bubble bath before bed, reading, listening to the calm app, but I was so anxious I couldnt sleep. I felt like I was going to be sick all night.

As my alarm went off at 5.50am, I burst into tears at the thought of a 14 hour day on zero sleep, not knowing what I was going to be facing going into the hospital.

My partner (probably thought they were being encouraging) was saying that it was just "one day" and that I can do it. This was making me feel more upset, because I thought it isn't just one day, it is every day after that, and I physically and mentally can't do it on zero sleep. I felt unsafe to even drive let alone be responsible for peoples lives.

He was a bit short tempered, understandable as my tossing and turning had kept him awake. I was very distressed and said that I couldnt go into work, I'd have to call in sick. I felt he was annoyed by this and he told me he didnt agree with that, that I would just feel worse if I did that, and I should go.

This made me feel more upset as I felt like he didnt understand how damaging this job has been for me mentally, and all I wanted was for him to support me. The pressure from him to have to go to work felt upsetting when I was already in such an anxious state.

I told him that I didnt feel he was being supportive and that I felt really unwell. He then got really annoyed at me and left the bedroom.

I called in sick.

I went downstairs and he said that I kept him awake all night, and that he cant just take the day off like me and he has work to do too. He said that I don't think about him, that all I do is think about myself.

I was quite shocked as i didnt understand why this had escalated. I said that I was sorry for keeping him awake, that I was trying to sleep, but perhaps I should have just gone downstairs.

He said that wasnt what I should be apologising for - I should be apologising for saying that he wasnt being supportive, because he said that he was being supportive and it was unjustified for me to say that.

He said that I'm selfish, and he cant believe how I treat him.

I was stunned to be honest as to why i was getting this. I said i felt like it would be best to speak when we have both caught up on our sleep as i didnt think talking now would be helpful. He said that I'm a joke.

Since then it has been pretty much silent treatment between us. I went out yesterday to see a friend to talk, and when I got home he has just been doing his own thing, and went to sleep.

Today I got up early and was doing the housework. When he came downstairs I actually felt sick in my tummy, nervous about if he would say anything to me.

He has gone out now and will be out all day with friends. (Pre-arranged)

Have I been unreasonable? I dont understand this reaction at all

My DH luckily made massive changes in order to improve his mental health....he completely gave up alcohol and began to work out...keeping fit is a hugely important thing in his life as it really reduces his anxiety for some reason. He eats a very clean diet....and is consistently watching his thoughts so he doesn't slip.

But I still have the fear....I still think OH NO when I see signs of him becoming unwell again.

He's staving it off. But it's terrible at times...living with someone with MH issues.

Perhaps you should have got out of bed instead of tossing and turning and keeping him awake all night as well.

I can't see how he's in the wrong, you kept him Awake all night and rightly so he pointed out he can't take the day off when he wants.you need to apologise as he's been supportive to you and now you're affecting him. You actually don't seem to be that grateful of his support so far, it's not easy living with someone with poor mental health.

I’m sorry too. It’s clear how much you are struggling. As gently as possible - it’s quite common when under stress, suffering with anxiety and so on to be very focused on your own feelings because they are so overwhelming.

I agree with others who have said that you saying you felt shocked by his reaction and didn’t get it means you’ve fallen into being very absorbed with your own needs and have not considered the strain on him.

I’d also be really fucked off of i’d been patient, given so much support and had my whole nights sleep interrupted by you - what were you doing? Reading, getting an app out etc? That’s not on at all. Then at the crack of dawn (assume a 5.30 alarm is not the time he would normally get up for his work) you bursting into tears, trying to encourage you and getting shit in response, you calling in sick anyway while I was left to get in with my working day AND be told i’m the one who is unsupportive?

Yea i’d have lost it too.

It’s a bit worrying for him that even though another day has gone and you’ve had time to reflect you still don’t see how out of order you were to him.

I had a nurse in an NHS hospital who burst into tears as she couldn’t get any blood out of my arm for a blood test..

It was surprising, but she was in a real state.
Someone else had to do it.
It must be tiring, but if you can’t face the stress, maybe find another less stressful role?

You describe the ways in which he’s supported you then call him unsupported. I’d be livid in his shoes. Plus you kept him awake all night when you could have gone elsewhere, which is selfish.

Are you job hunting? Because you need to. ASAP. Asking your manager for help probably won’t get you very far and the naivety of thinking things might be better as a nurse after the horrific year the NHS has just had is properly mind boggling.

Your ability to chop and change jobs is presumably funded or at least supported by your DP’s work? I can’t imagine he was thrilled when you said you’d go back into nursing but he seems to have along with it as it’s what you wanted and this is where it ends up.

I’ll add disappointed, frustrated and mildly despairing to my livid if I was in his shoes.

Get the help you need, see your GP, get signed off or quit. Stop expecting sainthood from your DP who is a mere mortal and sounds like he’s done absolutely loads to support you while you’ve thrown it back in his face.

@ScottishStottie

To be fair it sounds like he has been really supportive generally, so at one little blip of losing his patience a bit when he's had zero sleep as well, then for you to throw the accusation at him that he was unsupportive, probably felt like a slap in the face.

I ubderstand why your anxiety is consuming you, but its maybe worth taking a step back and seeing the bigger picture about it. Your dp is probably near point of burnout from the extra energy from supporting you. Just as your reserves are low, his are not infinite either.

I agree entirely.

He has been supportive by the sound of everything you've said; but you're essentially taking him out with your anxiety, too, and he's struggling to cope with being supportive.

Look at it this way, you’ve been changing jobs for the past few years (your op implies you’ve had a few jobs please correct me if I’ve misunderstood that). You once again start making sounds about wanting to quit work. Has he kept the finances going while you change jobs? Maybe he thinks he’s been supportive for years and you’ve turned around and said he isn’t.

He sounds worn out OP.

If I woke and couldn't sleep I would go elsewhere rather than give my husband and awful night too.

Your work situation is really impacting him too.

@billy1966

He sounds worn out OP.

If I woke and couldn't sleep I would go elsewhere rather than give my husband and awful night too.

Your work situation is really impacting him too.

I actually thought everyone did this. It’s what you do isn’t it?

I’m also wondering if the op has had several jobs and unable to cope or continue in any of them for a variety of reasons and if he’s been having to support emotionally and financially throughout.

It must be exhausting for him if it continuous

To be honest I'm going to say he's not in the wrong.

It's very hard living with someone with mental health/anxiety issues and to be honest it can get quite exhausting /boring if im being brutally honest. especially as he sounded like he was supportive the first time and also with you going back and was just trying to give a bit of moral support - it gets boring as the other partner to hear the drama all the time

It doesn't sound like it was a good move going back to nursing and I'd be looking at a change of career?

As a nurse, I completely understand the pressures, and it's not for everyone. I think though, that you need to look at your job and skills that you have. Clearly you can't go on in your current role, it's not for you. On the plus side, nursing jobs can be very varied, so it doesn't have to be the end of nursing for you.
I wonder, if you have gone back into working in a hospital setting, perhaps even on a similar ward, expecting things to be different this time. They won't be, it's all been a lot harder this year, it's been hell at times. Some wards are busier than others, so have a think about where else you could work - could be community settings maybe or smaller hospitals, some nurses I know have become PIP assessors, or health advisors.
Look for something else within nursing. Apart from that, I would say that nurses get by in their job by being savvy about delegating, so if you are feeling snowed under, maybe you are trying to do everything and be everything yourself. Utilise everyone in the MDT that happens to be near you at the time, students are your helpers too as well as colleagues. People think that nursing is just about care and empathy and skillful tasks, colleges don't effectively give training in management and delegating jobs to others, which is to a large degree is what has to be done to avoid burnout and stress.

Not him.

The fact that you don't understand what you did to upset him speaks volumes about you/your mental ill health.

You are clearly not supposed to be a nurse. Retrain.

He is supportive. He was just exhausted and still had to work. Apologise for your comments.

It can't be overstated how draining it is living with someone with mental health problems. It becomes all about them. As your Post demonstrates.
I'm genuinely sorry to sound harsh but you really need to get help and also if you can't sleep, sleep in another room!

I wonder if part of your frustration is that you want his permission to quit nursing again, for him to say it's okay if it's too much. You are clearly finding things very difficult right now and will be looking for ways to escape. If you think you've reached your limit then you will need to do something to help yourself now, he may or may not be on board but it's clear things can't continue you for you as they are.

As PP have said, look for other openings in your trust which don’t involve on call or ward work.

No nursing job is easy, but clinics have a better work to life balance than wards. The Ophthalmology clinic, for instance, at our local hospital trust is Mon-Fri during normal hours. It’s never going to be a fast-paced environment because the patients are generally older and the procedures that can be done are limited.

And yeah, as most PP have said, I think you’ve been the less reasonable one here.

He shouldn't have called you "a joke"

Also, is no one else horrified by the fact that it is apparently normal for nurses to have to work in conditions where patients safety is, by the sound of it, routinely compromised?

I am going against the grain of the thread here but I think the op's response to the situation she is facing is understandable in the circumstances.

@FortunesFave

Have you got shared finances? Could he be worried about you being unable to earn?

My husband has had severe anxiety and to be frank, it's driven me round the bend at times. The stress his illness has put me under is enormous.

The constant reassurance and support costs me...it costs me energy and emotion and at times, I do find it hard.

If your partner has been supporting you a lot, he probably got tired...and if you share finances, then he might be worried about money in the future.

I agree with this. Because I've gone into work on zero sleep many times because DP has kept me awake or woken me up multiple times during the night with his anxiety (prior to taking medication) when what it boiled down to was he just didn't like his job when the alternative was staying at home and letting me shoulder all the responsibility for keeping a roof over our heads

Eventually, rather than the gentle encouragement because, as most people who have experienced anxiety in the past know, avoiding the stressful situation makes the prospect of having to go back in even bigger and scarier, I informed him that he either moved into the spare room, went to the doctor, referred himself to IAPT/his employer's free support programme and applied for different jobs from 8am or he found somewhere else to live because I didn't have the luxury of calling in sick on the grounds of him keeping me awake all night and making me too scared to be able to sleep, knowing he'd be thrashing around, kicking, shouting and generally making it impossible for me to cope.

He's been fine ever since.

It sounds like he’s being fantastic in supporting you? I think you have been very unreasonable actually, I would apologise to him. It’s beyond exhausting supporting someone with anxiety and it sounds like he’s doing his very best but it’s not enough for you? I can understand how he might be feeling unappreciated.

Make plans to hand your notice in ASAP, you can always temp until you figure out what you want to do in the future.

I think you are being unfair. I have a DD who is my world but has had severe mental health issues. She is the kindest most giving person ever.
BUT when she us unwell she has no idea or concept of how emotionally and physically draining it is on the whole household, because we love her and we worry.
He has been holding you up, he was tired probably as exhausted as you. You are able to change the major trigger for your anxiety. So for the sake of his wellbeing and yours you need to.
I too am NHS not clinical but managerial we are all at breaking point and frustrated.

I'm with your Partner on this, sorry. You kept him awake all night. He can't call in sick, whereas you do. It's not very fair, is it? You need to hand in your notice and look for less stressful work. I would do that asap. This is no way to live.

I feel for your partner here. He’s been supportive and after ruining his night instead of apologising you accused him of being unsupportive. I work in the NHS too and it’s awful when people call in sick. It makes things so much worse for everyone else. Clearly this job is not for you, not with all the support in the world, so leave and do something you can handle instead so your post can be filled by someone else who CAN do the job