Partner angry at me - who is in the wrong?

[Coconutalmond]

I am a nurse and returned to the NHS a few months ago after a few years out of practice. I originally left the NHS because of the stress and dissatisfaction I felt with the care I could give. However, no other job has felt right, and being a nurse has always felt like what I am meant to do.

So I started my new nursing job a few months ago, and unfortunately it has been everything I feared. Lack of support, unsafe working conditions etc. I have already spoken to my line manager about this, and although my manager is lovely, there hasnt been much she can do.

This has led me to feel very anxious about work, the day before my shift I start to feel the anxiety and dread come on. I have been finding it really difficult to sleep, and have had an upset stomach and migraines from the stress and worry.

I know that no job is worth me feeling like this, so I 100% intend to think about my plan going forward, and I'm going to talk to my manager on my Monday about what she can offer me in terms of more support for my return to practice, if not, I know I will have to put my health first and leave.

My partner has been on the whole supportive during this time. Helping to encourage and comfort me when I'm feeling anxious. He downloaded the calm app on his phone and we have been listening to that every night together, which we have both found helpful in helping us sleep.

Thursday night was absolutely horrendous. I was awake all night, tried everything to help me relax, lavender, bubble bath before bed, reading, listening to the calm app, but I was so anxious I couldnt sleep. I felt like I was going to be sick all night.

As my alarm went off at 5.50am, I burst into tears at the thought of a 14 hour day on zero sleep, not knowing what I was going to be facing going into the hospital.

My partner (probably thought they were being encouraging) was saying that it was just "one day" and that I can do it. This was making me feel more upset, because I thought it isn't just one day, it is every day after that, and I physically and mentally can't do it on zero sleep. I felt unsafe to even drive let alone be responsible for peoples lives.

He was a bit short tempered, understandable as my tossing and turning had kept him awake. I was very distressed and said that I couldnt go into work, I'd have to call in sick. I felt he was annoyed by this and he told me he didnt agree with that, that I would just feel worse if I did that, and I should go.

This made me feel more upset as I felt like he didnt understand how damaging this job has been for me mentally, and all I wanted was for him to support me. The pressure from him to have to go to work felt upsetting when I was already in such an anxious state.

I told him that I didnt feel he was being supportive and that I felt really unwell. He then got really annoyed at me and left the bedroom.

I called in sick.

I went downstairs and he said that I kept him awake all night, and that he cant just take the day off like me and he has work to do too. He said that I don't think about him, that all I do is think about myself.

I was quite shocked as i didnt understand why this had escalated. I said that I was sorry for keeping him awake, that I was trying to sleep, but perhaps I should have just gone downstairs.

He said that wasnt what I should be apologising for - I should be apologising for saying that he wasnt being supportive, because he said that he was being supportive and it was unjustified for me to say that.

He said that I'm selfish, and he cant believe how I treat him.

I was stunned to be honest as to why i was getting this. I said i felt like it would be best to speak when we have both caught up on our sleep as i didnt think talking now would be helpful. He said that I'm a joke.

Since then it has been pretty much silent treatment between us. I went out yesterday to see a friend to talk, and when I got home he has just been doing his own thing, and went to sleep.

Today I got up early and was doing the housework. When he came downstairs I actually felt sick in my tummy, nervous about if he would say anything to me.

He has gone out now and will be out all day with friends. (Pre-arranged)

Have I been unreasonable? I dont understand this reaction at all

I think if you apologise for the unsupportive comment you will get an inroad to an honest conversation. You need to change your job and make a plan , no job is worth losing sleep over every night. Hopefully, as a nurse there will be other work you can do that isn’t so life and death and frontline? That is naturally hugely stressful

Sorry but I agree with him. He has been supporting you actually. You seem so wrapped up with this job issue that you have completely not recognized that he has been supporting you. Keeping him up that night and then telling him he doesn't understand what you are going through - well that is just selfish. If this job is creating such extreme anxiety then you need to leave it.

Also the fact you are 'stunned' at his reaction, means you are completely unaware to anything outside of what you are going through. You do owe him a big apology.

I'm sorry work is difficult OP, it makes me very sad to hear that nurses are treated so badly.

However, you chose to return knowing what is was like, you say yourself that your Dp has been very supportive. The behaviour you've described here sounds absolutely draining. Your dp sounds as if he's reached the end of his tether.

I understand that anxiety and stress can be all consuming and at times it makes you selfish although you can't see that at the time I've been there and cringe now at some memories.

It sounds like you need a really good, clear the air conversation where you plan the way forward. Baths and meditation apps are band aids. You need to work out a way forward with your job, I'm guessing that as pp said that'll involve changing to something less stressful. Also, do you have a spare room? In the short term I really think you do need to go elsewhere if you can't sleep. It really isn't fair on him to have to stay awake consoling you all night.

OP I'm a nurse too. Sounds like your work environment is very toxic and probably dangerous to work in which unfortunately is the case on a lot of wards. However it doesn't need to be like this. You should consider a different career path where you can get be a nurse but still have a good quality of life and sleep!

I'm a research nurse in primary care for example. It's not what most people think it's like either!

You left the nhs for those exact reasons, yet applied for another job in it?! I think you need to leave and find a different job. I agree with your husband, you cant ring in sick just because you cannot sleep. I hope you find a job that makes you happy.

for - I should be apologising for saying that he wasnt being supportive, because he said that he was being supportive and it was unjustified for me to say that.

He said that I'm selfish, and he cant believe how I treat him.
I was stunned to be honest as to why i was getting this

Your partner WAS supportive and trying to help you in a way he thought which was to bolster your confidence about going in. You kept him awake and seemed to not show any consideration for his work. Did you expect him to take the day off as well?

I think your anxiety has caused you to lose empathy for him. It has made you selfish as you're not seeing the impact you are having on him. Anxiety will do that and perhaps you need to just acknowledge it's not easy for him. A partner isn't supportive only if they give you advice you want to hear. Sometimes it might be stuff you don't want to hear.

I am sorry to hear of nursing being unsupportive as I genuinely value nurses and many of my family are in health care.

Your partner has been supportive and encouraging so I don't blame him for being upset by your behaviour and your accusation against him.

Obviously, you need to make some decisions about your career if it is making you anxious and stressed.

Your thread title suggests to me that you are more concerned with being right rather than trying to resolve the situation with your partner. I think you owe him an apology.

He has been supportive but I would find you quite difficult to support given that you already had the job, found it too stressful and quit then started again! What did you think would be different?

I think your partner sounds like his been incredibly patient and caring towards your anxiety. But there comes a point where they can’t put up with it forever and it can wear them down. Always put yourself in the other persons shoes and try to understand how he must be feeling. He has been trying to help you, then doesn’t get any sleep himself, then you end up calling in sick anyway! Look I am not judging. I was on furlough for a while and when I got that phone call to go back to work I was beyond anxious and terrified. I too felt sick to my stomach and the first day I was due back I ended calling in sick because the thought of going back was so scary. But I do think that you are your own worst enemy and the reality of things are never as bad as you THINK they are. Please just try think about your partner and how worn down he is probably feeling and give some attention to his needs to.

I'm sorry to be blunt OP, but you need to stop making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result. This doesn't mean you're a failure, it means you've been failed. Leave nursing and do something else, or in a different setting.
I suffer from GAD so I'm with you on that and there are things I do that help to manage it, but one of the main things, is talking about it, otherwise it manifests - I have to tell my DH things that I'm overthinking on now and it does help a lot.
You're in control OP.
I had to talk my DH into leaving a job that was making him physically ill and he was a different man during his time off in between jobs. He's enjoying his current job now. It's not worth it to be ill over a job/career - remember which serves which. You work to live not live to work.
Make a decision and go with it.
Good luck.

I can see why he’d be annoyed too, it’s awfu, when someone keeps you awake all night and doesn’t pay the courtesy of moving to another room, and rhen you need to work, but they make it all about them.

He’s been sitting listening to an app every night with you, so clearly supportive.

Look op you left the last time because you couldn’t cope. It was clearly the right decision as you’re in the same position again. I think it’s time to leave again and accept you’re not cut out for nursing.

Op, I work in the nhs as a healthcare worker and also have insomnia and regularly go in on 1 or 2 hrs sleep. I would never call in sick because I haven’t had enough sleep.

In your case I think the issue here is your anxiety which is stopping you. So it’s not so much tiredness stopping you go in, you’re just anxious about it. I think you need to address this your anxious feelings towards work, professionally. Can you speak with your GP or occupational health?

I think your husband sounds supportive.

What did you want him to do though OP - what could he say to make it better for you?

I think he tried very hard and did everything possible to support you. I don't think you considered his needs though.

You and your partner have had an argument when you were both knackered after a sleepless night. These things can happen.

It sounds like he has tried to be as supportive as possible but unfortunately his patience snapped when you accused him of being unsupportive after you had kept him awake all night. That’s understandable. In his position, my patience would probably have snapped, too. You should have gone downstairs or to the spare room if you couldn’t sleep rather than keeping him awake. Not doing so was selfish & inconsiderate.

Apologise to your partner, get help for your anxiety and look for a new job which you will be able to cope with.

When either of us can’t sleep we go downstairs, in 32 years we’ve never just lay there keeping the other awake knowing they need to work. And then to accuse the other of being unsupportive is very selfish behaviour.

I don’t know why you’re so focused on nursing, when you couldn’t do it last time, can’t do it this time, are struggling mentally, repeatedly asking for support at work, letting the team down by calling in sick, and making your partners life very difficult.

It’s clearly not for you. Look for another role you can do and stop this.

I'd like to hear his side of the story. You admit he's been supportive throughout and now, because he's had a crap nights sleep and got a bit annoyed with you, you accuse him of being unsupportive. I think you need to step back and take a look at yourself here, decide once and for all what it is you want and either stick with your job or find another one. You certainly won't change the NHS system so going to your manager might not change a single thing. Every nurse is pushed to their limit. Some thrive on it, some tolerate it and some won't be able to handle it long term. It really is not the career for you if it causes you so much anxiety. You probably need to look at other caring professions within a less stressful environment. Or think about a total career change.

“I am a nurse and returned to the NHS a few months ago after a few years out of practice. I originally left the NHS because of the stress and dissatisfaction I felt with the care I could give. However, no other job has felt right, and being a nurse has always felt like what I am meant to do”.

From this phrasing was wondering if you had had more than one other job in the years away from nursing and had given up on those as well?
Is your partner worried out money?
My DH has anxiety especially related to work and my god it’s exhausting having to listen to his worries over and over again, about the workload, his performance, his relationship with his co workers but no amount of my reassurance is enough. I have supported him to get the right medication, get counselling and listened to online resources with him but still it’s not enough. I accessed counselling myself as I was so burnt out with having to put my needs in the background all the time.
He actually lost his stressful job due to COVID and is now doing a job with much less responsibility (much less money but we manage and I thought that it would be worth it if he were happier and more relaxed) and guess what he just finds stuff in his current job to be stressed and anxious about.
We are basically living separate lives now.

I’m not saying that working for the NHS is not stressful I’m sure it is absolutely horrendous at times, but don’t accuse him of being unsupportive he seems to be trying his best from what you say.

Yeah, I'm sorry you're struggling OP but so much of your OP is about you and your feelings. When we're struggling it can be really difficult to think of the extra strain we're putting on others but it really is essential, especially when they're supporting us.

I agree with PP, the ball is in your court. Time to apologise and create a plan to do something about your situation not waiting for something else to happen.

Good luck!

I am sorry this is so hard, and it is upsetting that a job you should love is so stressful.

It is very hard living with someone who is stressed and suffering anxiety. It is emotionally exhausting, quite restricting , and you feel it is hard to say or do anything right. Which you can’t really, because the anxiety is in the sufferers mind, and in your case, the cause outside your control.

So, having chosen to go back to this job your DP is also enduring some of the affects.

I really don’t mean to be unsympathetic, what you are living is hell, but it is almost certainly tough for your DP too.

Unless they are generally an unfeeling unhelpful so-and/so.

A change of direction within the wider NHS field sounds like a good idea.

I think YABU.

From your post it doesn’t sound like you have considered his feelings at all. Try and think about it from his POV.

He’s probably waiting for you to apologise - which you should because you were in the wrong.

Anxiety, and mental health issues in general, can make people extremely self-absorbed. You seem to have very little awareness of how your behaviour is really affecting your partner.

Can you try to rewrite your OP from your partner’s perspective?

I think your partner is in the right. You clearly have crippling anxiety, exacerbated by the work situation, and all the apps and love in the world are not enough. You need to be taking a more proactive approach to managing your anxiety.

I do feel sympathy for you, but like PP, I've been the one who bears the brunt of having to support someone else's anxiety and it is exhausting! Particularly if the person refuses to do anything to help themselves - by changing their situation or accepting they need more help. After a sleepless night where he tried to do his best, you chose not to go to work and then accused him of being unsupportive? I don't blame him at all.

to be sulking about it days later isn't very mature, but I suspect he's fully aware that you are unable to see past your own current trauma and appreciate his side.

@TheStoic

Anxiety, and mental health issues in general, can make people extremely self-absorbed. You seem to have very little awareness of how your behaviour is really affecting your partner.

Can you try to rewrite your OP from your partner’s perspective?

This. And not just her partner, but everyone else. Calling in sick, so they are a nurse down, asking for repeated extra support from what will be an already stretched manager. Mental health issues often make people fail to understand the impact they are having on other people.