Sharing a partner

[BlueBaguette]

NC for this.

A friend is in a relationship with two other people who were/are a couple. I have no problem with it if it makes her happy, however she has recently confided in me that she doesn't actually have feelings for the other woman and has fallen deeply in love with the man.

She has told them both this with the intention of leaving them but now they have all decided that they don't want this as the original couple would break up and the man very much wants her to stay. They have agreed to basically share the man between my friend and the other woman with each woman spending half the week at a different address so they both get alone time with the man. I can tell my friend isn't happy with this but she's agreed to it as its the only way she can be with this man without splitting up the original couple.

I'm worried my friend is going to get hurt having to live in this arrangement and really don't know what advice to give her as I want to be supportive and respect her decision but I can see it ending quite badly for my friend. She is a kind, loving person who has been through a lot and I feel she deserves better than this but she is absolutely besotted with him.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this before or know someone who has? What advice would you give to someone in this situation?

@OmniversalSpecies2021

Sounds like she's falling for the 'polyamory' fad......when actually she just wants one man/partner.......and because his ego has been inflated hugely he's doing his best to keep both women under his 'thrall'.

I'd be interested to hear from couples where the woman invites another man into the relationship - somehow i doubt those kind of scenarios are as 'popular'...........

Exactly.

What proportion of men in all these "poly" scenarios are happily sharing their girlfriend/wife with another man? A drastically lower proportion compared to the women "sharing."

The women in these set ups commonly have low self esteem or some kind of historical trauma that's skewed their perception of themselves, of men, or of intimacy, or what they believe they're worth.

These set ups are just another form of sexism.

I don't want to derail the OPs thread, but in my experience of actual poly relationships (as opposed to people just using the word as cover for playing the field), that isn't actually the case, @LivBa (on either point).

Interesting thread OP. I'm in a "sharing" type situation and i don't love it deep down, even though i accept it and pretend i'm ok with it. I can really relate to your friend, a lot of what you've said about her situation resonates. Some good food for thought here. Keep us posted as to how things go.

Just an update;

So I met my friend earlier this week and we ended up having a long, honest talk about this all over a bottle of wine and, from what she's said, this definitely doesn't sound like a poly relationship. The man doesn't really have a relationship with the other woman, there's no sex or affection, but he does want to be in a relationship with my friend. The other woman won't leave the house as agreed and doesn't contribute in any way to rent, bills or housework. The man and my friend are left to pay everything equally between them, share housework and cook for and clean up after the other woman.

Thankfully, my friend is making plans to move on from this situation soon whether or not the man leaves the other woman to be solely with my friend so I'm feeling more positive about it all. I have been as supportive as I can without telling her what to do and am going to continue to be there for her however I can. I don't want to go into detail but there is a good reason why both my friend and the man are reluctant to leave the other woman so I doubt anything will change for a few weeks but I will update if it does.

Again, thank you all for your advice. There's so many great suggestions on this thread and I hope it can help others in similar situations in the future.

You are a good friend..

it sounds like an utter piss take of your friend on a grand scale, but you know more than I OP, as you say .. time will tell.. 🌸

Does this guy have a vibrating dick that spunks chocolate??

Wtaf.

Try pointing out around 50% of the population is male, there are millions of men out there, she should try meeting one who isn't already in a relationship, even if it is a polygamous - or rather polygynous - one.

Pizzas are for sharing, not men.

You say she's gotten over mh problems but she clearly hasn't.

Point out that the second she started spending time with him and especially being intimate with him she was getting affected by oxytocin.

She's fucking herself with oxytocin.

Then there's the harem effect, the competing for (perceived) alpha male effect, the pick me effect : making him feel a million times more desirable and important than he actually is .... She's fucking herself with that too.

There was a TV program about polyamory and the second woman in a polyamorous relationship was acting as bridesmaid or something at the couple's wedding..she was crying her eyes out, and not put of happiness. It was masochism.

It usually is .. it's not how we're evolved to function.

It's particularly fucked up that's she's contributing financially and the other woman is not.

Sorry, just read your update.

Its still a fucked up situation.

I'm not sure I believe he hasn't been being intimate with the other woman.

I'm not sure I believe the entire story - he could get her to leave, it's his house (?)

He still shouldn't have gotten involved with and started having sex with your friend before he ended his relationship and his (ex) partner moved out.

She shouldn't have startee contributing there financially until the previous partner moved out.

Another update;

My friend and I have been talking about the relationship a lot this week and how she isn't happy in this situation. So my friend decided to tell the man exactly how she felt and why she was unhappy, it was very honest and heartfelt and fair from what she has told me. He was very cruel to her, told her he doesn't want her but then tried to manipulate her into staying anyway. It's become pretty clear that he just wants her for sex as he isn't getting it with his original partner.

As much as this has caused a great deal of pain for my friend I'm glad it's happened now rather than in several months time and will continue to help her through it in any way I can. Shes coming to stay with me for a few weeks now so we're going to deal with the practical side of things initially then focus on keeping busy and having some lovely days out.

Thank you all for your advice and comments! Hopefully this thread will be able to help others in a similar situation as there's some great suggestions here.

great news .. she was a bank balance too .. I hope she has stopped paying everything.

Urgh. I really hate these men who use polyamory as an excuse to just be dicks. Sorry to hear your friend has been treated so badly. It's great she has you for a friend though, OP.