Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sharing a partner

62 replies

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 13:24

NC for this.

A friend is in a relationship with two other people who were/are a couple. I have no problem with it if it makes her happy, however she has recently confided in me that she doesn't actually have feelings for the other woman and has fallen deeply in love with the man.

She has told them both this with the intention of leaving them but now they have all decided that they don't want this as the original couple would break up and the man very much wants her to stay. They have agreed to basically share the man between my friend and the other woman with each woman spending half the week at a different address so they both get alone time with the man. I can tell my friend isn't happy with this but she's agreed to it as its the only way she can be with this man without splitting up the original couple.

I'm worried my friend is going to get hurt having to live in this arrangement and really don't know what advice to give her as I want to be supportive and respect her decision but I can see it ending quite badly for my friend. She is a kind, loving person who has been through a lot and I feel she deserves better than this but she is absolutely besotted with him.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this before or know someone who has? What advice would you give to someone in this situation?

OP posts:

crocusesandtulips · 22/04/2021 22:43

My last partner was poly, he lived with his wife and spent alternate weeks with me. Like your friend I fell in love with him and he said this was the only basis on which we could have a relationship. I fooled myself that it was enough for me to begin with because I loved him so much. I gradually realised after a few years that he was just using me, there was no future in it and I really wasn't happy with the situation. He was also 'seeing' other women behind my back. So I ended the relationship. It took a long time for me to see it for what it was though and I doubt anything anyone else had said to me would have helped me 'see the light' sooner as I felt I was so deeply in love with him and he was such an effective charming manipulator that I couldn't see anything else.

I suggest just being there for your friend, not too critical as that may turn her away from you but supportive and gently pointing out things when appropriate but not all the time. She will need to come to the realisation herself and that may take some time.

ElizabethTudor · 22/04/2021 22:49

But the other couple haven’t split up have they? As the bloke (who must be in 7th heaven) is still spending half the week with the original woman.
So I think, when you meet your friend I’d point out this.
And the absolutely insane fact that she is paying for this couple to continue to see each for half the week, in her house, whilst she moves out to live with her parents. 🤯🤯🤯
Even if she is infatuated with this bloke, if she looks dispassionately at the situation surely she can see how bonkers it is.

ThatOtherPoster · 22/04/2021 23:00

So wait - he gets to live in his house, while women move themselves in and out? And these women PAY for the home they never get to live in for more than 3 days in a row? And then they shuffle backwards snd forwards, weighted down with suitcases, to stay with their parents while the bloke nobs whoever’s turn it is that day?

I mean - no. Just no.

If he is this desperate for alternating fannies, why can’t he be the one moving in and out? Why can’t he pay half the rent on the women’s flats? Why can’t he do all the shit bits?

Will these women also clean the house when it’s their turn to live there? Cook? Change the sheets on the bed that the last woman was just in? While this bloke just sits there like he’s invented Just Shag?

ThatOtherPoster · 22/04/2021 23:01

I also don’t get why your friend would mind if the couple split up if she left. Like, why is that her problem?

Branleuse · 22/04/2021 23:11

I she got involved with a poly relationship and now wants monogamy with the man?

I dont think it will work.

PinotPony · 22/04/2021 23:25

What @wishfuldreamer said...

There's nothing wrong with polyamory... but it's not right for people who fundamentally want to be monogamous.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 23/04/2021 00:29

Sounds like she's falling for the 'polyamory' fad......when actually she just wants one man/partner.......and because his ego has been inflated hugely he's doing his best to keep both women under his 'thrall'.

I'd be interested to hear from couples where the woman invites another man into the relationship - somehow i doubt those kind of scenarios are as 'popular'...........

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 23/04/2021 00:33

I also don’t get why your friend would mind if the couple split up if she left. Like, why is that her problem?

It isn't - sounds more like she doesn't want to be seen as the 3rd wheel/other woman who broke up a relationship.
And it sounds as though he's pressuring the women to maintain the status quo......and both of them are desperate to keep him cos they 'luuurve' him

Blue4YOU · 23/04/2021 00:43

Ah come on..
Op
You are the “friend”...
Do yourself a favour.
Make a bold statement- her or me or something else. Be you, not an idea that no-one likes

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 00:54

Ok...

weirdest thread ever

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 23/04/2021 01:19

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. @crocusesandtulips I have a feeling it will end in a similar way, with my friend gradually realising that she's not happy in this relationship.

To answer a few questiong, as far as I'm aware the original couple were monogamous and have been together for a few years. My friend met them last year and started seeing them casually over winter before moving in with them a couple months ago. I haven't asked too much about why she started sleeping with them but from what she's said, I think they were all attracted to one another and a one-off night together evolved into a relationship.

My friend and the other woman have become close friends and both love this man but no longer want a sexual relationship with each other. As far as I can tell, my friend doesn't want the original couple to break up as she doesn't want the other woman to get hurt and would feel very guilty for causing it. The man seems to be putting pressure on her to stay and both of them told her they wouldn't stay together if she left.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2021 01:54

And it sounds as though he's pressuring the women to maintain the status quo......and both of them are desperate to keep him cos they 'luuurve' him

Yup. He wants an affair but with the fig leaf of permission. Even though everyone but him is unhappy.

BlueDahlia69 · 23/04/2021 02:32

Yes we call that

having your Cake and eating it.

what a fool she is believing this crap.

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 08:39

@OmniversalSpecies2021

I'd be interested to hear from couples where the woman invites another man into the relationship - somehow i doubt those kind of scenarios are as 'popular'...........

Exactly.

PerveenMistry · 23/04/2021 08:40

@ThatOtherPoster

I mean - no. Just no.

If he is this desperate for alternating fannies, why can’t he be the one moving in and out? Why can’t he pay half the rent on the women’s flats? Why can’t he do all the shit bits?

This sums it up. Why do women tolerate this?

Gellyf · 23/04/2021 08:46

omg, I can't understand why is it necessary to create such relations

KurtWilde · 23/04/2021 08:59

There's really not that much you can do OP, other than be there for your friend when this inevitably goes to crap.

I was in a similar position when I was 18 when I started seeing a guy who was in an open relationship. I did ultimately fall for him in a big way, tried to be happy with the set up of sharing him with his girlfriend, but it made me feel awful. In my experience it's just not a tenable situation. As soon as feelings develop it all gets messy and the best thing is to step away.

Branleuse · 23/04/2021 09:24

I honestly would back out of trying to give any advice on this situation whatsoever. If your friend needs someone to listen to her about it, then thats one thing, but realistically this is going to burn itself out and people need to make their own mistakes.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/04/2021 09:30

I have a close family member in a similar set up which has been very happy and successful for the past 10+ years.

It's not for everyone though and if your friend wants more of this guy than the poly agreement allows, then she could get hurt.

I'd buy her a copy of The Ethical Slut and then step back and let her make her own decisions.

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 23/04/2021 10:27

I've made sure my friend knows that I'm always here for her and only care about her being happy which I think is all I can really do at the moment. I'm going to focus on talking to her about our plans for next week and over the summer for now and if she decides to start a conversation about the relationship then I will listen and support her as best I can. I know we'll end up having a big talk about it when we see each other so until them I'm going to keep it light and positive until then and be there for her if she needs me.

Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences, I really do appreciate it and you have all given me a lot to think over.

OP posts:

wishfuldreamer · 23/04/2021 11:00

In addition to the Ethical Slut (excellent shout, @EvenMoreFuriousVexation), she could also have a read of Dedeker Winston's 'The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory'. It's a naff title, but a really good introduction to polyamory, specifically aimed at women.

From everything you've described, it doesn't sound she actually wants to be polyamorous, she just wants this guy. Doing some reading about poly relationships and the foundations they need to work healthily might help her. There's also some Multiamory podcasts which might be useful (the one on Boundaries is really good, and there's also one about being monogamous, dating poly people, and whether that is really possible).

I think all you can do is support her and be there to help. Maybe doing some of this reading yourself might also be useful? She might be more inclined to listen if your advice comes from a place of 'this is unhealthy poly' rather than 'poly is itself inherently unhealthy'. Not saying that's what you're doing, but it might help the optics, if that makes sense? But I would be worried if your friend was my friend, and I am poly.

wishfuldreamer · 23/04/2021 11:03

Just to add, I've had a similar experience with a friend of mine - she's moved in and got engaged (and is now trying for a baby) with a man she went on a first date with in the summer. I'm a bit worried it's all moving a bit fast, but I also know that if i'm not careful, she will be too scared of my judgement/'I told you so' to come to me if it does start going wrong.

She's going to do what she wants regardless of what I think, so I've tried to counsel where asked, and where it doesn't feel judgmental, but otherwise, I'm just trying to support her, and make sure I'm there for her if it does all go wrong. Which I hope it doesn't, because at the moment, she seems blissfully happy.

It's really hard to see our friends do things that we think will lead to pain and heartbreak, but the most important thing we can do is make sure that they know we are there for them, without judgment, when they need us.

idontlikealdi · 23/04/2021 11:14

Tell her to watch Sister Wife!

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 23/04/2021 11:39

Thank you for the book suggestions, I'll definitely do some reading over the weekend. I have absolutely no issue if she wants a poly relationship and she knows I would never be judgemental which is why I am normally the only person she feels comfortable confiding in. However, I know she wants a monogamous relationship with this man and that's where the issue lies. I think even if he agreed to be with only my friend, he would be sleeping with other women behind her back but, as others have said, she needs to figure this out for herself and I can only support her through it and be there for her whatever happens.

@wishfuldreamer It is very hard to see a friend going through this. I'm glad your friend is happy in her relationship and I hope it works out for her.

OP posts:

wishfuldreamer · 23/04/2021 11:59

You sound like a really good friend @BlueBaguette - i hope it all goes ok :-)

Flip

1 2 3