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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sharing a partner

62 replies

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 13:24

NC for this.

A friend is in a relationship with two other people who were/are a couple. I have no problem with it if it makes her happy, however she has recently confided in me that she doesn't actually have feelings for the other woman and has fallen deeply in love with the man.

She has told them both this with the intention of leaving them but now they have all decided that they don't want this as the original couple would break up and the man very much wants her to stay. They have agreed to basically share the man between my friend and the other woman with each woman spending half the week at a different address so they both get alone time with the man. I can tell my friend isn't happy with this but she's agreed to it as its the only way she can be with this man without splitting up the original couple.

I'm worried my friend is going to get hurt having to live in this arrangement and really don't know what advice to give her as I want to be supportive and respect her decision but I can see it ending quite badly for my friend. She is a kind, loving person who has been through a lot and I feel she deserves better than this but she is absolutely besotted with him.

Has anyone been in a relationship like this before or know someone who has? What advice would you give to someone in this situation?

OP posts:

Ruminating2020 · 22/04/2021 13:30

That's no way to live. She wants to be exclusive but he wants to have his cake and eat it.

If she isn't happy with this then she needs to step away and realise that there is a man who wants her and only her, not two women competing for his attention. She will eventually resent this decision because she is not putting her own needs and happiness first.

username12345T · 22/04/2021 13:36

Why advice would I give her? I'd tell her that she's being used by this bloke who must think it's Christmas. How will this set up work in real life, outside the land of dreams? Is he paying towards bills and rent for both properties? I assume he's living with her part time? While she feeds into this twats fantasies, her own life and chance of meeting someone genuine is passing her by. I'd wonder why she wants to settle for this and what's lacking in her life that she finds sharing this man acceptable.

There's not much you can do OP apart from be there when it all blows up.

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 13:55

Thank you both for replying.

The main thing I'm worrying about is the effect this will have on her mental health as she has had issues in the past and only started to move past them in the last couple years. I'm worried this is going to set her back which would be heartbreaking after the huge effort she made to get to where she is. Unfortunately she doesn't have great self confidence and would rather settle for something shes not happy with than upset someone else and, in her words, at least this way she can be with him. I wish I could just tell her to leave but she is so in love I doubt she would listen and I really don't want to damage our relationship. It doesn't help that my sister knows this man quite well and warned me to keep an eye on my friend as he has a habit of sleeping around and using women.

As for the practical side, my friend and the man split rent and bills etc for the shared home and both women will be staying with their parents when its not their turn.

OP posts:

username12345T · 22/04/2021 14:02

OP all I would suggest is for her to get counselling or therapy. It doesn't sound as though there's much you can do here and it does sound as though she has very low self esteem.

I think you sound like a brilliant and supportive friend but what tends to happen in situations like this is she will dig her heels in if you try to persuade her otherwise. She obviously needs to do some work on herself and if he's sleeping around, she needs to make sure she's using condoms and get regular check ups as some STDs can make you infertile.

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 14:23

I'll look into some therapy that I can gently suggest to her, thank you. I've mentioned a few housing options for her too she should be able to afford on her own as moving in with her parents isn't ideal but its her only other option at the moment. I've offered her our spare room but she doesn't want to bother us.

I'm meeting up with her next week for a coffee so hopefully after a week of this new arrangement we can have an honest talk about it. As you say, I think the only thing I can really do at the moment is be there for her and support her whatever happens.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 22/04/2021 14:28

So, he has a home to which two women contribute but they only get to live there part time?

I'd ask her where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years etc and whether this arrangement helps or hinders her to get there.

username12345T · 22/04/2021 14:31

She might be better off staying with her parents as they can kind of keep an eye on things. I doubt she's told them about her polyamorous set up, but if she's living by herself, she'll be more vulnerable. You can check out the BACP website for therapists, maybe pass it along to her: www.bacp.co.uk/

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 14:46

@picklemewalnuts He has a home that he and my friend pay for but my friend now only lives there half the week. The other woman doesn't contribute.

@username12345T Thank you, I'll have a good look at that website. Unfortunately her parents won't be much help. I doubt they know about the situation as they would be extremely disapproving and in the past they have blamed her for her mental health issues and made her more unwell whereas living alone massively contributed to her recovery.

OP posts:

PerveenMistry · 22/04/2021 14:54

@username12345T

There's not much you can do OP apart from be there when it all blows up.

This sums it up.

God, her self-esteem must be so low.

username12345T · 22/04/2021 14:59

Then I'd encourage her to move out, maybe with a nice flatmate who can keep an eye on things. It's lovely of you to offer her a room, that might be the way to go if you can persuade her but I'd be really focusing on helping her buildup her self esteem and confidence, so she can value herself a lot more.

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 15:29

I think helping her find a new place with a flatmate would be the best way to go, she's turned down our spare room as we have a toddler and she doesn't want to intrude but I will keep offering. We've already said we'll meet up a lot over the spring and summer as we haven't seen each other in over a year so that will help and I'll look into what I can do with her to help work on her self esteem.

I think talking with her about how she wants her life to be in 5 years time and how this relationship will fit into that will be a big help. I know she wants a partner and to start a family but I can't see that happening in her current situation.

Thank you all for your messages and advice!

OP posts:

2bazookas · 22/04/2021 16:07

It's really not your problem. Step back. Refuse to be the audience for her soap opera drama queen act.

The most valuable message that you can give her, is that she is in this mess on her own, off her own bat, and has to take full responsibility for herself . Not, rely on other people (you, or the man), to prop her up, make decisions and tell her what to do.

HollowTalk · 22/04/2021 16:12

He really is like a dog with two dicks, isn't he? Just the fact he wants to live like this should be enough to put her off him.

Elieza · 22/04/2021 17:38

Ask her what her plans will be if the other woman gets pregnant or indeed if she gets pregnant. She may think he will choose her. But I don’t think he will. If he wanted that he’d have done it by now.

The fact the other woman pays nothing but she has to pay is a clear indicator of how they view her.

Her self esteem must be rock bottom to put up with that. Good idea re counselling. Is there anything you could help her with. Like go to the gym together or out walking or jogging together or something that will make her feel better about her body?

category12 · 22/04/2021 17:49

It's completely unfair that she pays half the bills for a place she's not living full-time. Barmy.

He needs to be paying all the bills and have them there as guests only.

Or I suppose he pays 50% and the two women pay 25% each. But she's being ripped off as well as being quite foolish with her heart.

Tomyoneandonly · 22/04/2021 17:52

Op remind your friend that their is a man out their waiting for her. A single man that is. Also suggest her to teach herself emotional strength. As this situation will destroy her in no time especially if she doesn't like the ow. She does need some mh help. There is no need to share any men. It doesn't matter of the consequences she needs out of the environment. Love isn't for a man who can have an ow.

denverRegina · 22/04/2021 18:09

"she's turned down our spare room as we have a toddler and she doesn't want to intrude but I will keep offering"

Just leave her to it and focus on your toddler. Having her in the spare room is just inviting in unnecessary drama to your home.

notagainmummy · 22/04/2021 18:18

Not much you can do. I would give it a year and she will see what a raw deal this is for her. Either that or he will leave his current partner and be with her permanently.

Woolwichgirl · 22/04/2021 18:26

If I have a friend in this position I will tell her she's bonkers.I haven't got time to be subtle or pretend..I believe a true friend should tell me as it is if am making mistakes.I don't need friends who support every bullshit mistake I make.Of course the said friend might get angry and cut me off temporarily or even permanently but One day if or when she sees sense she will remember my advice and thank me for it.I have had situations like this in the past where friends have told me the truth about a wrong move I was going to make.At the time of course I got angry but later I listened and I was saved the shame and embarrassment .
So yea that's what I think but each to his own

LivBa · 22/04/2021 18:41

Surprise surprise these multi person sex arrangements don't actually work and it's the man who ultimately benefits 🙄
Women need to wise up.

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 19:38

Thank you all for your comments.

My friend isn't at all a drama queen, I've known her for years and she is probably one of the loveliest, kindest people I know. She always goes out of her way to make sure other people are happy even if doing so means she is not which I think is why she's agreed to this set up. Both the man and other woman said that they would break up if she left them too which made her feel incredibly guilty and put pressure on her to stay.

I'm definitely going to suggest she seeks some councilling. I think meeting up with her to go walking and swimming regularly would be a great way to help improve her self esteem. I can understand why being blunt with her could be a good option but I'm very aware that I'm the only person she feels able to turn to and confide in most of the time, particularly when she struggles with her mental health, so I really don't want to damage our relationship. That said, I'm going to make sure she knows that this isn't how love should be and that the right man is out there for her.

Thank you all once again for your advice.

OP posts:

category12 · 22/04/2021 19:49

People-pleasing at her own expense is something a lot of women are prone to. Maybe you could encourage her to start saying no to things, even just little things with other people (if not her exploitative boyfriend) and to work on valuing herself and building good boundaries.

Reflect back to her in gentle ways when things aren't fair on her - maybe "oh that was kind of you, would they do the same for you, do you think?" that sort of thing but better worded. Try to lift the veil a bit in all areas.

If you find yourself reaping the benefit of her people-pleasing, stop yourself, and go "hang on love, this isn't fair on you, you deserve better than that, I'll do x & y instead".

Original poster

BlueBaguette · 22/04/2021 20:29

@category12 Thats exactly what I'm aiming to do, gently indicate that this isn't how she should be treated and that she can say no if she wants to. I think deep down she knows this isn't right for her and not how love should be but she's almost blinded by her love for him and her guilt for being the cause of them splitting up if she left. I have a feeling that the first time she has to spend a few days away so he can be with the other woman will help her realise this isn't love, not on his part. I'm going to suggest we have a weekend away together as well I think, some time away from it all could really help her think it over with a clear head.

OP posts:

wishfuldreamer · 22/04/2021 21:34

I'm not clear from the original post if the guy (and his original partner) were always/have been polyamorous for a while, or if this is a new thing that's happened (by accident? by design? how did you friend end up in a triad with them?).

However, it generally never ends up well if someone who is monogamous, and wants a monogamous relationship, enters into and falls in love with someone who is poly (or at the very least trying it out - and being a bad hinge by the sounds of it).

She should absolutely not enter into this relationship hoping he will leave his original partner. and she should not settle for a type of relationship style she doesn't actually want, just so she can stay with this guy. As others have said, she needs to take a step back, learn a bit about who she is, what she wants, where her boundaries are and how to enforce them. Entering into this relationship is just going to be a total mess for her.

OldWomanSaysThis · 22/04/2021 21:45

I do know a woman from work who was approached with this set-up. Her boyfriend had two girlfriends, neither knowing about the other. When they discovered each other they talked about it. The other woman suggested this set-up because she had given up on any man being monogamous and she thought she would just formalize it as it would be inevitable with any man, this one or another.

My co-worker took the chance to get away from him - she owed him a lot of money and used him cheating on her as an excuse not to repay him. She left them to it.

It seems like it would just run its course - and you don't need to say anything to her.

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