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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"When I'm in a relationship, I wouldn't go out without my partner, it's not fair on them".

95 replies

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 12:54

What would you think.of a man who made that statement?

OP posts:

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 13:28

@EmmaGrundyForPM

So he's saying that he thinks so little of his partner that he can't trust himself to go out without her in case he shags someone else?

I'd avoid him like the plague

He says he's never cheated; he seems to be saying that it's unfair to have your partner uncomfortable etc. knowing you are out socially without them, in potentially pulling type situations, being approached etc even if you act appropriately.

I could be wrong but j also presume he thinks it's still a risky, unwise thing to do to put yourself in the situation at all - in case you "slip up" drunk at some point, or perhaps someone does something unexpected you didn't necessarily encourage that would make your partner extremely uncomfortable.

(Eg I've had a guy, not while with this man, v quickly lean in and kiss me on the lips when saying good bye at a drink soaked house party. He was unaware of whether I was single or not (I wasn't). I haven't told him about that so he's not referring to it btw.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 22/04/2021 13:30

Does he think he's so irresistible to women that he can't go out alone in case he's mobbed?

My brother can be a bit like this …. refused to go on a 'lads' night out last year as 'too much temptation put in his way with women and drugs' …. he's late 50s!! …. I really don't think the ladies are coming onto him constantly.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 13:36

Does he think he's so irresistible to women that he can't go out alone in case he's mobbed?

You do have to wonder.

I think, in part, he was referring to going to social events an ex might be attending. His main hobby/former hobby would be the main source of (non family) social events and his ex is likely to be present. He seemed to think it's unfair" to go if she's there - I said it didn't bother me; if they were going to get back together, j presume they'd have done it in the last year and a half.

I don't think it's just that though. His family/in law's seem to have the sane general attitude.

OP posts:

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 13:38

too much temptation put in his way with women

So he's it certain not to cheat if he avoids temptation?

Ime men esp. middle aged men overestimate their prospects; they think every dressed up woman is up for it with them; usually not the case.

OP posts:

Divebar2021 · 22/04/2021 13:39

Judging by some threads I’ve read there are women who would be most unhappy if their partner was socialising somewhere where an ex was likely to be. He probably thinks he sounds gracious.

Nonmaquillee · 22/04/2021 13:42

Awfully controlling and a bit loopy. Somebody to be avoided.
It'd make me feel claustrophobic.

Incognitool · 22/04/2021 13:43

@BigSandyBalls2015

Does he think he's so irresistible to women that he can't go out alone in case he's mobbed?

The only person I know who would say this is a tragically deluded man in his late 50s who thinks that he’ll be snatched by sexually-enthralled women if he so much as puts his combover-clad head outside the door without his wife.

tigger1001 · 22/04/2021 13:44

That would send me running.

I've never once cheated on my partner in the 20 years we have been together despite going to pubs etc. I am able to say no to any unwanted attention just like he is.

I love my time out with friends and wouldn't be giving that up.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2021 13:46

I would run for the hills. Controlling, suffocating weirdo. I don't need a fucking chaperone for a partner, thanks.

Clarice99 · 22/04/2021 13:51

@Hughbert

Control freak or sad sack.

This. Absolutely.

I'd run a mile!!!

EmeraldShamrock · 22/04/2021 13:53

I'd assume he's controlling or in a controlling relationship.

EscapeDragon · 22/04/2021 13:53

Agree with others. Basically it means: "You're not going anywhere unchaperoned."

RosesAndHellebores · 22/04/2021 13:55

A controlling interdependent drip who lacks confidence fundamentally in himself and who therefore is incapable of having a trustworthy and mutually satisfactory relationship where the needs of both parties are important and respected.

Doghead · 22/04/2021 13:58

I'd think he was a jealous, insecure, controlling, manopulative narcissist.

It's not my ex is it?

Shoxfordian · 22/04/2021 14:02

Are you actually dating this guy? So many big red flags

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 14:06

@Shoxfordian

Are you actually dating this guy? So many big red flags

We dated and finished, I've spent quite a while trying to process it.

These responses are really helping.

If it's someone else, it's easy .. when it's you, it's odd but you doubt yourself.

OP posts:

lastqueenofscotland · 22/04/2021 14:07

Incredibly controlling.
But echo PP what about a coffee with a friend or networking drinks with work?

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 14:08

I sometimes think about if it could ever have worked, if it could work if we ever got back together etc.

OP posts:

GroggyLegs · 22/04/2021 14:08

Never mind red flags, for me, this is red bunting.

He hasn't got any friends
He doesn't want you to have friends
He will tag along with you everywhere
He will sulk & spoil it if you DO go out with your friends
He will get arsey if you mention a male name, even in connection with work.
If he does go out, he's on the pull.

Nope.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 14:11

@lastqueenofscotland

Incredibly controlling. But echo PP what about a coffee with a friend or networking drinks with work?

He never objected to daytime meetings outside bars/club/gig/house party.

Not sure if work drinks cropped up.durinv relationship.

OP posts:

Atalune · 22/04/2021 14:13

Grim.

What he’s really saying is

“I don’t trust you. I’m super insecure”

Lozzerbmc · 22/04/2021 14:13

Massive red flag as others have said. Hes controlling. Also may be saying because he wanted you to think the same ie. so you wouldnt go out without him.. glad you are no longer with him.

bengalcat · 22/04/2021 14:16

not on the same page as me so I’d be off

Wanderlusto · 22/04/2021 14:27

That kiss on the lips goodbye you mentioned- I dont think the fact that you have partner is what specifically potentially makes that inappropriate.

I mean, it wouldnt bother me if a girl gave my bf a cheeky kiss goodbye on the lips after a few drinks at a party. As long as i could see the intention wasn't to initiate anything but just to show affection. But it might bother HIM if he barely knows her or isn't much one for displays of affection like that.

But it's not like its cheating. It's just some other person acting a little inappropriately. And I'd trust my partner to the extent that it wouldnt bother me.
Nor would I blame him for it.

But the implications of the man in your scenario is that he would think it was somehow your fault for even being there, should someone act inappropriately towards you. Basically that he is saying you would be to blame for any unwanted attention. And that really isnt on.

Original poster

MarshmallowAra · 22/04/2021 14:27

@Doghead

I'd think he was a jealous, insecure, controlling, manopulative narcissist.

It's not my ex is it?

No shortage of those around.

OP posts:

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