Friends who disappear when the going gets tough

Trixie78 · 21/04/2021 23:47

I am your friend, sorry. Not your actual friend but I had twins through IVF and lost my mum and grandmother a couple years ago and have become a hermit during lockdown. Being stuck, mostly alone, 24/7 with twin toddlers is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have no time for anyone and feel I've let everyone down. I know I've lost friends over this but there's nothing I can do. It's a hard slog getting through the day and collapsing at night (until the multiple times they wake me up during the night).

I know you feel letdown and you're probably right to but if she's usually a good friend there may be reasons she's not been in touch. Try give her some slack and send a message to see if she wants to meet up for a walk xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2021 23:51

Sorry you’re feeling so low. Divorce really separates the wheat from the chaff. People stepped up for me that I’d never expected while others turned out to be useless or worse than.

Do you have other people to lean on?

Lollypop4 · 21/04/2021 23:53

Twice.
My DD and I were v.ill in hospital when she was born.
My v.good friends and a family member simply couldnt be bothered to visit.
I was in 2 weeks before birth and 5 weeks after, DD was in for 13 weeks.
I cut ties. A life lesson at 18.

Then, friends with same group for almost 10 yrs.
I supported them all through various life events.
When I needed them ( seperation) they literally all turned against me one evening- telling me how awful I was for ending the relationship ect. ( Left relationship due to the unpredictable behaviour of Ex and I was practically living as a single parent raisong the DC alone, my friends knew this)
Cut the ties that night.

It was unbearably hurtful and upsetting on both occasions.

im glad I found out what they were all like and now have a v.small circle of good friends.

Im sorry your friend is behaving this way.
I'd seriously just not bother anymore

Mewmin · 21/04/2021 23:55

I've been let down by someone who I thought was my "best" friend. It has become clear that she now views me as an inconvenience even thought I've spent loads of time supporting her in the past. She says she has no time for a phone call or walk even though she doesn't work and has one secondary age child. It's clear I've been "dumped" but I have no idea why. I've asked her straight out what happened and why things have changed but she just says she is too busy. I think I'm most hurt by the fact that she isn't being honest with me. I am going through a hard time and she doesn't even know about it because she "doesn't have time" to even speak to me any more.

It hurts.

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:03

@Trixie78 Thank you for your post. I do know that the past year has been awful for us all but she has had plenty of time for weekend walks with other friends so I do just feel like she is biding her time until I'm through this and then will want to pick up where we left off.

She can be a bit prickly otherwise I would tell her that I'm hurt and expected more from her but I don't see the point as I feel like a true friend should have been all over this situation looking for ways to support me.

@AnneLovesGilbert I am very lucky as I have got some wonderful friends who have listened to me constantly about every thought that has flashed through my mind over the past nine months this has been going on. And some I have become closer to during this period too that I wouldn't have expected to have in my corner - some work colleagues for example have brought me to tears with their thoughtfulness (one dropped off fresh daffodils for my desk every Monday for a month) so I do know that I'm lucky.

None of them are geographically as close as her though so with the restrictions it has been hard to replace that face to face contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:05

@Trixie78 I'd recommend telling your friends what you've posted here. Twin toddlers is such a handful - my friends are now in reception so they are certainly easier to handle than yours. Her husband has been partly furloughed too so I know she has had support and time to connect with me but has chosen not to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:07

@Lollypop4 That is the conclusion that I'm coming to. Sorry you have been here too.

@Mewmin I'm sorry you are being ghosted by the sound of things. I think feeling let down and not being able to express it is also hard.

OP posts:

Moonface123 · 22/04/2021 00:14

You see peoples true colours at times like this, and later on down the line you might be able to forgive, but you don't forget.
I hope you have other friends that are supporting you.

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:19

Thanks @Moonface123, I do thank you but there would always have been room for one more! I am not sure why she has been so crap tbh, I thought once her DC were back in school she would up her game but nothing.

She was even tagged on Facebook going for a walk with a coffee with a mutual friend in my neighbourhood so I know she is making time for the people she wants to.

OP posts:

everythingbackbutyou · 22/04/2021 00:26

I sympathise, OP. I have just divorced an emotional abuser, and have never felt so alone. Maybe it's because of Covid and things would have been different at any other time, but that excuse wasn't applicable for the first couple of months of my separation. Out of everyone I know, only one person has actually asked me how I feel about all of it, and she is one of my more recent friends. Most hurtful was one of my oldest friends who wanted to remain friends with both of us. She has no idea what an abusive asshole he is because I don't feel safe telling too many people the truth, but it hurts a lot.

Jamboree01 · 22/04/2021 00:28

I absolutely hear ya. My divorce was finalised in October. Couple friends stepped away, close friends who I have supported through births, deaths and marriages have vanished.

I’ve given up on the ones who chose not to care and cherished the ones who checked in on my children and I.

You’re on a different path. I honestly do feel, even now, some people harbour strange and old fashioned views about divorced women.

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:42

@everythingbackbutyou I'm sorry to hear you've been so alone. Divorce is hard enough without the people who should be there for us not showing up

This is the most painful thing I've ever been through and my mother died of cancer when I was a child so I thought I knew was pain was (not looking for pity, just explaining that this feels worse even than that which I am staggered by)

How are you doing now?

OP posts:

Original poster

Londono · 22/04/2021 00:44

@Jamboree01 Yes, fortunately the gap in my life from her has been filled by other, sometimes surprising, people who have stepped up. But I am already disgruntled by the fact that I know she will want to pick up again as if this hasn't happened.

OP posts:

MaliceOrgan · 22/04/2021 00:53

Have you dropped her a line to make sure she's ok? Do you actually ask how she's doing?

Sorry, not being unsympathetic but I've been 'the rock' for so many friends in times of distress and they can often be a bit self obsessed - often understandably so but it can be exhausting propping people up when you have your own shit going on which is made worse when they take no interest.

Trixie78 · 22/04/2021 06:23

Thank you, I think I will. I didn't realise your friend makes time for some people, I just ignore everyone so at least I'm consistent 😬 xx

Kingin · 22/04/2021 06:27

@Londono

I know everyone is having a very difficult time at the moment and I am cutting everyone in my life slack because of the pandemic but I am going through a really difficult divorce and one of my best friends has been absolutely nowhere to be seen.

We have gone from WhatsApps once a day to once a month, we went for one socially distant walk but that has been it. We live in the same city so it isn't a distance thing. She does have reception aged twins to cope with so during the lockdown I didn't let it rankle too much.

But now I am irritated as I've been there for her during her stillbirth before her IVF twins were born five years ago (visited hospital multiple times until she was allowed home and was there talking for months afterwards) supported her through IVF and her mothers death and babysat for them regularly - we were bridesmaids for each other etc.

Now I'm in turmoil and she is nowhere to be seen and I'm actually very hurt by it. It would be so easy to ask if I wanted to bubble with her and her family - not to overstay my welcome but for a break - or lunch in the garden but nothing.

I might have made it sound like I am the strong one in our friendship but she actually is too so could have coped with some snotty tears from me as we stomped around our city together.

I think this will change how I view her and our friendship from now on, I don't feel like continuing it but I also don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Anyone else been let down by a good friend during hard times?

@Londono Everyone's been let down before but you just have to pick yourself up and be strong.

You can PM me if you need to talk.

Kingin · 22/04/2021 06:27

@Mewmin

I've been let down by someone who I thought was my "best" friend. It has become clear that she now views me as an inconvenience even thought I've spent loads of time supporting her in the past. She says she has no time for a phone call or walk even though she doesn't work and has one secondary age child. It's clear I've been "dumped" but I have no idea why. I've asked her straight out what happened and why things have changed but she just says she is too busy. I think I'm most hurt by the fact that she isn't being honest with me. I am going through a hard time and she doesn't even know about it because she "doesn't have time" to even speak to me any more.

It hurts.

So sorry for that. Can we talk?

Kingin · 22/04/2021 06:28

@Trixie78

Thank you, I think I will. I didn't realise your friend makes time for some people, I just ignore everyone so at least I'm consistent 😬 xx

Lol

Kingin · 22/04/2021 06:30

@Jamboree01

I absolutely hear ya. My divorce was finalised in October. Couple friends stepped away, close friends who I have supported through births, deaths and marriages have vanished.

I’ve given up on the ones who chose not to care and cherished the ones who checked in on my children and I.

You’re on a different path. I honestly do feel, even now, some people harbour strange and old fashioned views about divorced women.

Being a divorced woman is not a bad thing. As long as you believe you did what was best for you.

Whatever people are saying shouldn't worry you. The society we are makes it hard for divorced women. It's sad.

iMatter · 22/04/2021 06:46

@MaliceOrgan

Have you dropped her a line to make sure she's ok? Do you actually ask how she's doing?

Sorry, not being unsympathetic but I've been 'the rock' for so many friends in times of distress and they can often be a bit self obsessed - often understandably so but it can be exhausting propping people up when you have your own shit going on which is made worse when they take no interest.

This is a really good point

I have had to take a step back from a friend who used me as a sounding board/adviser and it built up and up until she was messaging me from about 6 in the morning until last thing at night Every Fucking Day for months. It was relentless and exhausting. I had my own shit going on and she never once asked me how I was.

provencegal · 22/04/2021 06:56

I would usually say times of crisis really can show you who your real friends are.

However, everyone is suffering one crisis or another, and simply may not have the capacity to take on your pain now. It the case of a completely empty jug. I have been there for everyone all of my life, but I can't do it right now. I am so burnt out and exhausted, if my house was on fire I would struggle to care.

You say you are cutting people slack, but are you really op? Because it sounds like your expectations are still there for her to do and be certain things.

We are in the middle of a pandemic, this is not the time to judge people. Make a note, and when your next crisis happens and she is still not there then you will know, but for now I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

Have you had counselling? Off loading once a week will work wonders for your processing of pain, and help you feel more supported.

Sending you

provencegal · 22/04/2021 07:00

I also think people are feeling so fragile themselves they can't necessarily face more suffering and upset, and it is their choice whether to take on more or not - they may be looking for a life line of lighthearted escapism for a while. Why not suggest something fun to do, and see how you go? Rather than meeting to share your troubles, why not try and do something that will make you both feel happy briefly?

chillijamjam · 22/04/2021 07:02

Yes, this happened to me. I now don't speak at all to someone who was previously one of my best friends. She let me down so completely. On the flip side, one of my other best friends was the most caring, thoughtful friend in the world and I will never forget it as long as I live.

It's not forgivable so surround yourself with the good friends that care about you. She doesn't deserve your friendship for hurting you at your time of need.

Keep going and you'll come out the other side🌸

RealisticSketch · 22/04/2021 07:08

My best friend and cousin, soul mate I thought, known since we were babies ghosted me in my early twenties. I have no idea why to this day, I spent a year breaking my heart over it (never known heart break like it) until I realised she just wasn't going to respond. A few years later her mother saw me at a family do and cornered me saying she missed me and I should get in touch. My jaw nearly hit the floor since there was absolutely nothing stopping her getting in touch with me and it wasn't me that walked away from the relationship - baffling. I saw her a sometime later at another family do where she put smiles on and acted like nothing has happened and that as though we'd never been close. Like you it was the fact that she wasn't honest I found the hardest, if she had a problem why not talk to me about it. She has my love and loyalty and discarded it like it was nothing. I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire now sad to say.

everythingbackbutyou · 22/04/2021 07:09

@Londono, well I certainly feel older and wiser! I feel like nobody quite gets what a massive thing divorce is. The people who know what an asshole ex is, including my family, are all "Well, thank God you got rid of him". When I said he was getting married (not 18 months after I apparently broke his heart) the most they had to say about it was "Ha ha - poor girl". Like I mentioned before, only one person actually bothered to ask how I felt. It seems like no one considers the massive grief that comes with the shattering of your dreams and the life you thought you had. The deep hurt of disappearing friends, I think, comes from the fact that while you are showing up for them and being available and supportive etc. you feel like you know they would do the same for you. And then they don't.