Two weeks ago I discovered my partner of one year has been lying to me from the beginning. The lies are pretty huge and it's knocked me.
I'm 34(F), divorced, no kids, he is 35(M), divorced (legally as of a week ago!) with 2 small kids of 8 and 3, who I have not met.
Talking things out helps me so I've come here to do just that. Right now we're taking some space, I'm physically and emotionally drained.
I will start by saying there has been a lot of good in our relationship, I have felt (ha) emotionally close to him and although we have had ups and downs in the last year due to fall out from his divorce which has lead to me almost ending things a few times, we have continued as love is there. He has done quite a lot of work on my home, and did appear to care about me.
So... he revealed 2 weeks ago that he had been lying from day 1 about being 2 years separated. He was in fact separated for what appears to be 2 weeks when we met (18 march 2020). I say 'appears' as he told me four different dates in the space of half an hour -first October 2019, then December 2019, then January, then March. The March dates fits in with divorce & mediation paperwork he has shared that was completed by his ex wife (although it could be fabricated, who knows).
He told me he lied as he didn't want me to run away, which may well have happened given how recent his separation was.
I am on the other side of a rough divorce & when we met I was happy and throwing myself into positive projects, the gym, a new life. It took me a few years to get back to feeling myself after my separation so I would have thought twice about taking on a man who has not yet gone through any healing.
Early on he had lied about being on a dating app after we had (briefly) cut contact after our first date, and he had promised he would never lie again.
Other lies he revealed at the same time include a made up post-separation sexual relationship. I had told him I didn't want to he the first woman after his marriage, so he said he created a detailed sexual story based on an ex girlfriend. Not sure what to believe on that one. It was very detailed.
Since this 'reveal' he has trickled some other truths (?) to me. He told me he went on dates with 2 different women before meeting me.... the timelines were blurry & he kept messing around on it but finally told me he'd downloaded tinder in December 2019, right after almost leaving his wife and then agreeing to stay and try to figure things out. He's sworn up and down he never cheated on his wife but also told me a) about an incident where he sexy danced with a woman in a club and b) about a year long phone relationship during his marriage with an American woman he met through reddit.
He's also told me in the intervening weeks that he lied about his education. He said he has two degrees but in fact he did not complete either of them.
We've spoken quite a lot since, which had given me a chance to process this all. In some ways I feel for him, he seems to have a deep, deep well of insecurity and shame. I've also seen evidence his marriage was abusive which perhaps contributed to his problem, however I imagine his responses in the marriage were also toxic. He lied apparently in his marriage to avoid conflict, about where he was etc, but he's since told me he lied when he was a child to avoid getting in trouble. I would like to believe he hasn't lied his entire life but it's not looking good.
His mum is a priest. His family are lovely, middle class, intelligent people who have been lovely to me and it's just so odd to see this strange, broken person come from that. I don't even know who he is really. It's so hard to reconcile.
It's put me right back to where I was at with my divorce and the lying, cheating and abuse that happened and it made me feel sick to be back there.
A part of me wanted to stay and see if we could work through it but Sunday night I cornered him in yet another lie.... he told me he'd been having counselling but I fact checked it and after gaslighting me for a bit he crumbled and admitted he'd made that up too as he thought it was 'what I wanted to hear'.
My question is.... is there any chance this man will change while with me? With intense therapy? He's said he needs to go to therapy, he's sorry etc. I just don't believe a word he says. I know I need to cut things off for good but for some reason it's harder than I thought it would be and I'm sadder than I expected.
As an aside I felt something was off from the beginning and was oddly calm when this all happened....funny how intuition is.
Thanks in advance