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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to politely decline sleeping with someone on a second date?

87 replies

flowersrain · 20/04/2021 01:35

I had a first date on Friday and it went well - we had lots to chat about and I found him attractive. Something that I liked about him was that we kissed but he didn't try it on. Our second date is tomorrow and we are going for dinner. He has said that I can park at his and we can walk to the restaurant together, which is fine, but I am a bit worried that he might invite me in at the end of the night. I don't have a problem with sex on the first or second date per se, I have done it before, but I am just thinking that straight out of lockdown he may just be gagging for it and use me for that so I'd like to wait until at least date 3 if possible. How would I respectfully decline an invitiation inside/accept an invitation inside but manage his expectations about sex?

OP posts:
flowersrain · 21/04/2021 04:46

Thank you for all your advice - it turns out I didn't need to worry. We got kicked out of the restaurant after two hours and he invited me back but made it clear that there were no expectations without me even having to say anything. I was having a nice time, so agreed (we are both fully vaccinated). We continued to chat and kissed a bit, when it got a bit hot and heavy he repeatedly said he didn't want to rush me or do anything I didn't feel comfortable with so that's how we left it.

I think the reason I was so anxious about this is because of the general expectation that going into the house = sex, which is what I have encountered before, but happily this guy seems different.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
Blueskytoday06 · 21/04/2021 05:17

Mine is at least date 6 😁

florababy84 · 21/04/2021 05:44

He sounds like a decent person!

Rowofducks · 21/04/2021 06:18

Glad it went well op he sounds like a nice guy.

I was going to come on here and say similar to others that you shouldn’t have to feel anxious about saying no. I’ve only slept with 2 people and both of them had to wait about 6months. I don’t like sex so have to no someone really really well before I trust them. If I had my way we wouldn’t do it at all but I felt sorry for them in the end. Blush

jelly79 · 21/04/2021 06:45

Glad you had a nice time but this thread really concerned me.

The expectation and anxiety over something you do not have to justify or 'politely' decline

I also think putting a date number on it is a bit odd. Whether it date 3 or 333 it's only when you are ready.

How old are you OP?

jelly79 · 21/04/2021 06:46

@Rowofducks you had sex because you felt sorry for them!??

FindingMeno · 21/04/2021 06:47

Honestly I'd be straight up with him, and say you want to take things slowly.
Sorts out the men from the boys.

StarlightLady · 21/04/2021 06:49

I’m pleased it went well for you, OP.

To add: Being a woman of a certain age l’ve had quite a lot of sex with a fair number of different people. I’ve no probs with that. But if going to somene’s house always equaled sex, l would have had a lot more.

stuckinarutatwork · 21/04/2021 07:09

Assuming you're in England, just stick to the lockdown rules - you can't go in someone else's house for another month yet. Job done.

Rowofducks · 21/04/2021 07:24

[quote jelly79]@Rowofducks you had sex because you felt sorry for them!?? [/quote]
Yes not great hey. I’ve come to realise since then that I’m asexual and being in a relationship isn’t for me. I’m happily single for good now. After being with a man for 10years only having sex for him I realised it wasn’t fair on anyone.

LivBa · 21/04/2021 12:16

[quote TedMullins]@LivBa don’t blame women for men’s entitlement. There’s nothing wrong with having sex on date 1 if it’s consensual and equally wanted by both parties. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait weeks/months/never having sex and entering into an asexual relationship. Do what you like. Men’s entitlement and women’s feeling that they have to tiptoe around men’s egos is the product of decades of insidious societal messaging that sex is something men do to women, and a no is a challenge. Look at most rom coms over 20 years old. Of course we know that’s bollocks but it seems some men haven’t got the memo yet.[/quote]
@TedMullins it's nothing to do with blame but simply acknowledging what the consequences of our free choices are, whether we like those consequences or not.

If all men need to do is turn up for some instances of drinks/dinner, not even need to get to properly know a woman for who she is as a person rather than a body, yet after date 1,2,3 etc. gets to have sex with her, and this happens with a lot of women, of course men will feel entitled to sex/a woman's body after making little effort with them.

Because what they learn about sex is that that they can have sex easily and conveniently despite making minimal effort to know the woman involved and treating her as as a sex object that can be discarded after sexual use. And that all of this is perfect fine and normal.

The fact that the women in these scenarios freely choose to be treated this way and want to have casual sex spurs these men on to continue seeing women as sex objects,because they know women are free participants in all this and they are choosing all this freely.

If women choose to do this then that's their prerogative but it makes no sense to start wringing your hands when the natural consequences come back to bite you, when you're part of making this way of interacting with women normalised and acceptable in the first place.

Twirl96 · 21/04/2021 12:53

Meet at the restaurant and then after dinner if he invites you to his house make up an excuse and say you can’t or you have a busy day tomorrow etc. I think if your worried about him suggesting sex if you go to his house is not a good sign and you should date someone you feel more comfortable with.

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