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Original poster

How to politely decline sleeping with someone on a second date?

87 replies

flowersrain · 20/04/2021 01:35

I had a first date on Friday and it went well - we had lots to chat about and I found him attractive. Something that I liked about him was that we kissed but he didn't try it on. Our second date is tomorrow and we are going for dinner. He has said that I can park at his and we can walk to the restaurant together, which is fine, but I am a bit worried that he might invite me in at the end of the night. I don't have a problem with sex on the first or second date per se, I have done it before, but I am just thinking that straight out of lockdown he may just be gagging for it and use me for that so I'd like to wait until at least date 3 if possible. How would I respectfully decline an invitiation inside/accept an invitation inside but manage his expectations about sex?

OP posts:

Heysiriyouknob · 20/04/2021 06:08

Good god. The title of this post gives me thee rage.

You don't have to ever "politely" decline from having sex with someone.

Why would you feel you had to be that way?

Saltyslug · 20/04/2021 06:11

Just tell him you’re running late and will meet him at the restaurant instead

Ineedaduvetday · 20/04/2021 06:15

I wouldn't be parking at his house. Easier to park near the restaurant for an easy exit. Also the cynic in me says if you park at his home, he might start ordering wine then tell you don't drive you might be over the limit, you can stay at mine ...

nancywhitehead · 20/04/2021 06:25

Are you in an area where parking is difficult or expensive? Like others I'm also wondering why he has suggested this arrangement and thinking he's probably planning on it being an easy way to get sex afterwards.

I think the simplest way is to just avoid parking at his place. Say you're getting a taxi/bus/walking, or just say that you will meet him at the restaurant and don't explain yourself - you don't have to! It's only the second date.

If he brings up sex/ going back to his then just say you've had a lovely time but are not ready for that yet, etc. It's important to be able to lay out those boundaries if you are dating, especially online dating which seems even more fraught with these issues as you are with total strangers.

Assert yourself and if he doesn't like it, well, that gives you an insight into his character and you know he's not worth a third date.

daretodenim · 20/04/2021 06:36

Unless you're a really rude person with few social skills, which definitely isn't conveyed in what you've written, you're not wanting to politely decline.

You're wanting to find a way to say no that doesn't upset him or hurt his feelings. Stop that right now. He's an adult. You're an adult. If he gets upset because you won't have sex when he wants you to, brilliant, because he's just shown who he really is. Even if the date went well, that's not someone anybody should be wanting to have sex with!

Also, he's not being straight up with you. He's starting even before date 2 to play games. You have two choices: 1. Enter the game, park at his and then spend the date worrying about the end or 2. Saying you'll meet him at the restaurant, exiting the game and giving yourself a better chance of enjoying the date.

If you finish at the restaurant and want to have sex with him or go to his, then do! But don't park at his. And certainly don't worry about upsetting him!

MrsXx4 · 20/04/2021 07:48

Are we really needing advice on how not to hurt men’s feelings around a decision that affects our choices and our bodies?!??? Erm no!!! You just say that you aren’t ready to take that step yet. And seriously if you don’t feel safe enough to go indoors with him after your date for worrying that he’ll expect sex then my god don’t go in! It’s a second date, any decent man will be very understanding.

Northernsoullover · 20/04/2021 07:54

Absolutely don't have sex you don't want. You don't say why you want to wait until date 3 but it isn't a magic figure where they suddenly don't go cold on you after. This can happen after one, two, 3 or twenty dates.

Deathgrip · 20/04/2021 07:58

If there’s no obvious reason why it would br best to park at his place (eg he lives a few mins walk away and there’s little parking near the restaurant) then I would be quite irritated by this tactic to be honest. And I would call him out on it before the date. It makes me really angry that you’re sat there worrying about how to let him down gently - you shouldn’t have to worry about this, it should be entirely your decision when the time is right for you, just as it should be for him. I doubt there are many men in the world worrying about how to politely refuse sex from a woman. Bloody female socialisation.

I would tell him not to have any expectations of sex on this date, well before the date. Please don’t be sat there worrying he will try it on and how you’ll react. I would have a conversation first, and this will also help you get the measure of him anyway.

Tlollj · 20/04/2021 08:03

@Pyewackect that made me lol.
Just say no you’re not ready. If he strops well then you know not to go in a third date.

WeAreAllCompletelyFine · 20/04/2021 08:04

You can go into his house, kiss him, do whatever you and he are comfortable with and still say no to sex if that's what YOU are happiest with. Any partner worth a damn understands the concepts of consent and feeling ready to have sex.

If you are worried about his reaction to this situation you shouldn't be dating him, although it's very early days and the indication you had on the first date was that there was no pressure?

Sooobooored · 20/04/2021 08:07

I would make it clear in advance you won’t be going in eg I’ve got to get home straight after as I’ve got work in the morning. Then he’s got no expectations and you won’t feel pressurised.

TustedFormula · 20/04/2021 08:11

I've been married a long time, but prior to that sex was never "expected" after date 2 or 3. It might have happened sometimes, but I never felt pressure that it should. Have things really changed, universally, that much?

Bluntness100 · 20/04/2021 08:11

Oh god, what type of restaurant is it? I have a male friend who does old, and this is his pulling tactic, he meets for a walk of whatever, then takes them to dinner at the restaurant close to his house then gets them back to his and shags em at the end of it. I’ve lost count of how many now, there’s been tonnes. Don’t get me wrong they are grown women but bloody hell, it’s astonishing how many fall for it. It’s the same tactic every single time, fuck knows what the restaurant staff must be thinking.

Clymene · 20/04/2021 08:14

@WeAreAllCompletelyFine

If you are worried about his reaction to this situation you shouldn't be dating him, although it's very early days and the indication you had on the first date was that there was no pressure?

Except he's not a partner is he? He's a bloke she's met once. And while there was no pressure on the first date, suggesting she parks at his house on the second is a not-so-subtle indicator that he wants sex.

And yes of course she should be able to say no at any point but this is a man she doesn't know, and it's safer for her not to go into his house when she doesn't want sex.

Yawnthisway · 20/04/2021 08:15

Alternative opinion- maybe parking at the restaurant is a nightmare and that’s the only reason he’s suggested you park at his? It can’t be far if he’s saying to walk.

lottieproject · 20/04/2021 08:16

Sounds more like a spider than a man "will you walk into my parlour?"

Oneeyeopen · 20/04/2021 08:16

It's such an obvious tactic that I wouldn't even go on the second date.
He's lined you up for sex.

Yogatomorrow · 20/04/2021 08:17

Exactly what daretodenim said. But i would let him know before that you will parking at the restaurant and planning on going home to you place. It's more upfront and let's him know what you want out of the relationship (ie more than a quick shag).

TustedFormula · 20/04/2021 08:19

Is it so awful that he hopes to have sex? Presumably that is part of why they're both in the dating game. Obviously OP doesn't have to if she doesn't want to, but I agree with PP that she shouldn't be going at all if she feels unable to just say "Ok, the walk would be nice, but let's be clear there's no sex on the cards".

Grimsknee · 20/04/2021 08:44

You need to be assertive, not polite.
"No" is a complete sentence but you could if you wish say "No thank you".
"I'd like to wait until at least date 3 if possible."
Reframe how you think this OP. "I will have sex with this man if and when I feel ready to."

IdblowJonSnow · 20/04/2021 08:51

Yeah, meet at the restaurant instead. Takes all the pressure off.

Feminem · 20/04/2021 09:06

Can you park somewhere else? Closer? Well done for having this plan OP. Do not sleep with him yet. You will regret it & it may, as you say, be his intention. Don't go inside! That'll be fatal.

SwanShaped · 20/04/2021 09:11

You don’t have to manage his expectations. Your post seems like you’re already thinking of all of his needs and worrying about his reaction to you having boundaries. Like you having a boundary might be off putting to him. I’m sure that this means that you’re a lovely caring person who always thinks about others. And is thoughtful. But too much of that can also be detrimental to you. Hope you enjoy your second date!!

MartianMellows · 20/04/2021 09:16

You sound afraid OP.

You’re looking at this the wrong way. It’s not about how to spare him the embarrassment of saying no .. you already know you’re not ready to have sex with him. Tell him.

If he’s a knob he will slimily try to persuade you without being too obvious, or he will just ghost you before the date.

If neither of those things... He might be an okay bloke.

Personally I’m not sure someone who is thinking of this as a LTR would use this tactic in the first place.

Bluntness100 · 20/04/2021 09:20

@TustedFormula

It’s not thr wanting sex and trying to tee it up, it’s if this bloke is like my friend, then he has four on the go, at any given time, each thinks they are the only one, he will swear it blind to them, feed them any shit they need to know and when one drops out,he just finds another one on line. It’s a constant rotation of women and it’s appalling. Lock down stopped nothing but he’d not tell them that. I think his divorce damaged him and his behaviour is terrible, but there nothing you can do other than have a word, which we have all done.

So sometimes unless you’re ok with just a shag or two and risk you’re not the only woman who is doing the walk to the restaurant, it’s about understanding what you’re getting into.

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