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Original poster

How to politely decline sleeping with someone on a second date?

87 replies

flowersrain · 20/04/2021 01:35

I had a first date on Friday and it went well - we had lots to chat about and I found him attractive. Something that I liked about him was that we kissed but he didn't try it on. Our second date is tomorrow and we are going for dinner. He has said that I can park at his and we can walk to the restaurant together, which is fine, but I am a bit worried that he might invite me in at the end of the night. I don't have a problem with sex on the first or second date per se, I have done it before, but I am just thinking that straight out of lockdown he may just be gagging for it and use me for that so I'd like to wait until at least date 3 if possible. How would I respectfully decline an invitiation inside/accept an invitation inside but manage his expectations about sex?

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 20/04/2021 09:27

You went on the first date and “had lots to chat about”. You probably had a nice time - and he was probably sat there feeling proud of his chatting ability simply as first stage in the shagging plan!

Do not meet at his house. Meet at the restaurant. Have another date and see if you both want the same things from this. To me, it sounds like he feels like he’s ‘done his part’ - ie made a bit of an effort to be nice purely in order to win a shag on the 2nd date. Yuk.

MrsMaizel · 20/04/2021 09:44

so I'd like to wait until at least date 3 if possible
There's not really a heck of a difference is there ? He's still a virtual stranger .

osbertthesyrianhamster · 20/04/2021 09:49

Tell him you'll meet him at the restaurant.

BorderlineHappy · 20/04/2021 09:59

Your gut is telling you something.Listen to it.
Dont bother about the 2nd date.

Tell him you had a nice time and leave it at that.

Loveitloveitloveit · 20/04/2021 10:00

I’d happily do that and if he invited me back afterwards I’d go if I felt like it- but with a caveat that I wasn’t going back for sex. My dh invited me to his house on the second date- I accepted but warned him there would be no sex (which he was totally fine with)

If you feel like he would take it badly then don’t go out with him at all!

PurpleRainDancer · 20/04/2021 10:02

Politely decline?
Give it a rest OP, just say no.

gannett · 20/04/2021 10:14

@Oneeyeopen

It's such an obvious tactic that I wouldn't even go on the second date. He's lined you up for sex.
Why is wanting sex a bad thing when you're dating?

Nothing wrong with him wanting sex (which tbh I'd presume he did regardless of where he suggested meeting).

Nothing wrong with OP not wanting sex.

Or vice versa.

Just say "no thanks" cheerfully at whatever stage you're comfortable with. If he does anything other than accept that as normal, only then is there a problem.

Anotheruser02 · 20/04/2021 10:16

Is there a two hour rule in the restaurant garden? Is there a reasonable chance he thinks he can use his house as an extension of the date after you have been kicked out of the beer garden? I had a date like this last year when the pubs were throwing out at 10, it wasn't planned that I would go to the man's house but he said I was welcome. At the end of the date it had all gone too fast and I was having a good time so I said, "I will come in for a drink if that's okay? I don't do hook ups though I do mean a drink." He was fine with it and I had a nice time I was very relaxed all evening.

It's okay to be open with someone you're potentially starting a relationship with, if you go in send a friend his address so someone knows where you are.

notagainmummy · 20/04/2021 11:11

It's rather sad that you are not doing what you want to do, but instead worrying about going along with what he wants. It's your body and it's up to you to have sex when you feel ready to do it.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 20/04/2021 11:18

oh gosh, I get the red flags, both of you. You are in charge of your body, you don't have to politely decline or tread on eggshells. I get not everybody is assertive but this post makes you sound quite vulnerable to predatory men. Which we all are but his behaviour...ugh. Also, just to put out there, my xh, who I met online, was all fine about not rushing into sex, no pressure...but he was still abusive once in a relationship, including sexually abusive, so it's not necessarily a good sign. Some abusive men don't mind playing a longer game.

SpringlikeBunk · 20/04/2021 15:16

What @Clymene said - I wouldn't read too much into it either way, just say you'll meet at the restaurant, no need to make a fuss.

There could be a lot of reasons for the suggestion - there is a chance he could be angling for a hookup only or just want to spend more time with you.

Or it could be something in between - maybe he wants to continue dating and also get some "home dates" in?

He could fancy you and want sex but also be happy to date out.

Some guys like to show off their home environment if its nice/expensive

I think you'll get more information on what kind of guy he is depending on how he reacts to the plan change?

LivBa · 20/04/2021 22:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Personally I think being this anxious about effectively saying no to sex makes you not ready to be dating.

It's really worrying that you have set parameters (private, personal ones) that you feel are right / wrong and don't feel they are something easy to communicate.

You should feel able to set out your expectations because if someone doesn't respect them / judges them etc it means they aren't compatible with what you want.

100% this.

Very concerning OP that you're even worrying about this and would like to wait "if possible"...as if the decision isn't fully yours Confused

OP @flowersrain consider why you think men are entitled to sex from women even though he's basically a stranger??? Confused
On a conscious or unconscious level, you must believe that men have a level of entitlement to the bodies of women , otherwise your post makes no sense at all...

Please realise you have much more dignity and value than you realise. Sex is the most intimate and vulnerable thing in the world you can do with anyone. It's YOUR body. A man should feel honoured and respectful if you want to spend the night with him and share the most intimate parts of your body and your being with him, not feel entitled to it after a set number of dates! You're dating the wrong men if you feel this way.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 20/04/2021 22:36

@Clymene

Unless parking is very difficult, he is inviting you to park at his house with the expectation you'll go back there afterwards and have sex. Given you barely know him, if you don't want to have sex, I wouldn't be a,one in his house.

Park somewhere else or get a taxi. Make it clear that sex is not on the cards. Why are you worried about doing that?

I agree. It seems pretty obvious to me that you should sort your transport without any reference to his house at all, and make it clear you're not going home with him. It's very easy to do that politely.

You barely know this man. You don't have to go into his house.

ElizabethTudor · 20/04/2021 22:43

Obviously at some point @flowersrain we would be very grateful for an update on how the date, the parking situation and post-restaurant chat went. Ta!

RantyAnty · 20/04/2021 22:47

You don't have to worry about being polite.

He's already trying to push your boundaries with the parking at his.

You don't have to have sex on the 3rd date or any date.

It might be helpful to take a few hours and write down exactly what you want from a relationship. What you won't put up with. What your boundaries and values are. It'll be much easier to push back or end things when you are certain of what you want and how you wish to be treated.

Percypigg · 20/04/2021 22:47

Such an odd question. It's a non issue. You have choice, in fact you have a number of options. Confused

LivBa · 20/04/2021 22:53

@TustedFormula

I've been married a long time, but prior to that sex was never "expected" after date 2 or 3. It might have happened sometimes, but I never felt pressure that it should. Have things really changed, universally, that much?
@TustedFormula The reason why men of that time didn't necessarily expect sex after date 2 or 3 is because most women did exactly that - didn't have sex with virtual strangers after date 2/3! Women are given the treatment that they tolerate.

Things have changed because women now put up with all kinds of crap and disrespect from men therefore many men are very comfortable treating women as convenient walking sex objects they need minimal effort to woo.

It's bleedingly obvious from this man's behaviour/proposal that he's mainly after sex and will sadly dump the OP when gets bored, and then move onto the next woman :(

Haffdonga · 20/04/2021 23:03

You say No thank you

Persephonegoddess · 20/04/2021 23:04

If you are in England you can't go in his house until 17th May - is that not the perfect excuse??

weewitch · 20/04/2021 23:31

Just say no thank you.

TedMullins · 20/04/2021 23:39

@Heysiriyouknob

Good god. The title of this post gives me thee rage.

You don't have to ever "politely" decline from having sex with someone.

Why would you feel you had to be that way?

This. If he invites you in say no thanks I’m going to go home. Literally nothing more needed than that. You don’t have to park at his house. Is he offering this because there isn’t anywhere to park around the restaurant? You don’t have to do that just because he offered. No it’s okay, I’ll meet you at the restaurant. Thanks though. That’s all that’s needed. Why are you worried about being polite? If he takes umbrage to you perfectly reasonably saying no, then he’s not someone you want to be dating anyway.
TedMullins · 20/04/2021 23:43

@LivBa don’t blame women for men’s entitlement. There’s nothing wrong with having sex on date 1 if it’s consensual and equally wanted by both parties. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait weeks/months/never having sex and entering into an asexual relationship. Do what you like. Men’s entitlement and women’s feeling that they have to tiptoe around men’s egos is the product of decades of insidious societal messaging that sex is something men do to women, and a no is a challenge. Look at most rom coms over 20 years old. Of course we know that’s bollocks but it seems some men haven’t got the memo yet.

Cowbells · 20/04/2021 23:44

I can't imagine having sex on a second date. It would just be so unthinkable to shag someone I didn't yet know, let alone know if I liked. Just say you'll meet him there.

EscapeDragon · 20/04/2021 23:57

Just say thanks for inviting you in for sex coffee, but you'd rather not because covid.

CharlotteRose90 · 21/04/2021 01:20

You don’t sound ready to be dating if you’re this anxious. Don’t overthink things. It may be genuine that parking is crap so he did a nice thing of saying park near him. Then walk to the restaurant together and walk back to your car. You aren’t forced to go inside at all. If you had a good first date then go but if you’re still nervous then don’t it will only ruin things.

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