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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair/ losing my mind

74 replies

hernameisHannah · 19/04/2021 09:35

Reached a new low today, when I left work I went to buy a miniature bottle of gin and drank it before getting on the train.

On 6th March I met a woman and fell head over heels in something. I'm 100% unhealthily obsessed with her. To the detriment of my work, sleep, health and everything else. Two weeks ago we met up and we had sex and it was beautiful. I've never experienced true passion before. I didn't think I was capable of it.

I'm married with 2 children and have been with my husband for 15 years.

OP posts:

SteveArnottsCodeine · 19/04/2021 09:43

Hi @hernameisHannah

Not going to lie, that’s a mess. But drinking gin before the train home isn’t the answer. Affairs are always messy and people get hurt. If you don’t love your husband anymore you need to leave him. It’s unfair on him, on your and on your affair partner. I’ve been on the wrong end of this stuff- I know first hand.

Good luck.

denverRegina · 19/04/2021 10:02

You're cheating on your husband. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself why not confess and then leave him.

imalmostthere · 19/04/2021 10:03

If you don't love him, leave him.

Bloghat · 19/04/2021 10:03

Your husband should LTB

starrynight21 · 19/04/2021 10:06

I agree with PP. I've been cheated on, and I've also had an affair so I know a little of what you're going through from both sides. Best thing you can do is to get ready to leave your husband . What you're doing isn't going to make you feel good at all - the drinking on the way to work sort of tells you that . Sort yourself out and do the right thing.

Footloosefancyfree · 19/04/2021 10:06

Have you just discovered your bisexual or lessing? Are you struggling with your sexuality.

Footloosefancyfree · 19/04/2021 10:07

Lesbian*

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 19/04/2021 10:09

How do I know if I don't love him any more? How do I know if I should leave? Obviously it would be devastating for him and my kids. I was able to have a session with a psychologist last week and she said I shouldn't make any big decisions at the moment because I'm not thinking straight.

I'm drinking too much on the days she doesn't message me. I don't know how much she likes me.

I've kind of always known I was bi but never really admitted it to myself and never experimented before.

OP posts:

KonTikki · 19/04/2021 10:22

Your teetering on the brink and it doesn't sound as though you are in a fit state to make any big decisions.
Give yourself a time limit of going cold turkey; 1 week, 2 weeks or a month of no contact, (and lay off the alcohol).
Hopefully then you'll be in a better place to view this objectively.

Josuk · 19/04/2021 10:37

OP - it’s great that you are seeing a psychologist. It’s important for you to continue talking to someone to try to untangle what is going on.

It is possible that the intensity of your attraction is an accumulation of suppressed sexuality over years. Your connection to the woman maybe purely physical. Or not. You may still love your H, or not.
It’s too early to tell in the fog of such strong infatuation.

In parallel - think about your relationship. Do you think your H (and you) are open minded enough to consider some sort of open relationship? Some men would consider it in this situation as it’s not as threatening to them. You might have to also be ok with him having another sexual partner? It’s only fair.

But also - more importantly - you need to get a grip. You aren’t a teenager but you sound like one. Or, like a raging midlife crisis.

Try to remember all the boring responsibilities you have - especially your children.
If this is a story of self discovery and your true sexuality - fair enough, you have to go on this journey. BUT - try to do it in a way that hurts less people. As in - try to manage it better and be less selfish.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 19/04/2021 10:41

Please, please be careful. My mum had similar when I was 15 & she forgot everything in her infatuation - even her own children. I'm still dealing with the damage that did and I'm in my 40s.

Allwokedup · 19/04/2021 10:55

This sounds like the plot of girl on a train

YouAreTheStorm · 19/04/2021 11:00

How did you meet this woman? A chance or did you go looking for someone?

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 19/04/2021 11:09

By chance! I was definitely not looking!

OP posts:

YouAreTheStorm · 19/04/2021 11:15

Well you can't use the excuse of not being of sound mind to continue a torrid affair.

Cut contact with the woman, block everywhere and figure out whether you want to remain in the marriage.

TC68 · 19/04/2021 11:53

How is the relationship with your husband? Maybe you are just looking (and found) something that your husband can not provide. Women think and feel very differently to men. If you are serious about this lady would you consider leaving your family life for her or was it just a moment of passion? Is she in a relationship wit anyone?

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 19/04/2021 12:13

@TC68

She's single. I've never felt this way about anyone before. Am I serious about her? This is a hard question. I can't overstate the obsession I've been feeling for the last 6 weeks. My whole world has been turned upside down. I've never felt this way about anyone before. However I barely know her and I don't know how she feels about me. Yes, I do love the idea of being with a woman long term instead of a man.

Yes, I have considered leaving my family for her. All I want to do is be with her. But it's too hard to image the pain of my children and the hurt and anger of my husband.

My relationship with my husband is ok. (Well a little strained recently.) He's a good man. We tick along.

OP posts:

TC68 · 19/04/2021 12:23

I feel for you and the turmoil you are in - sometimes people come into our lives and completely turn our heads but sometimes the attraction and intense feelings is because of the unknown and its all new, fresh and exciting. You have a lot to lose. Can you arrange to meet her for a drink ( nothing physical ) and get to know her a little better before you make any hasty decisions

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2021 12:35

Yes, I have considered leaving my family for her. All I want to do is be with her

Leaving your kids too? And being with her feels it is more appealing and all consuming than wanting to live with your kids?

You need to go NC with her for at least a few weeks / a month to get some clarity. Most likely she won't be in it as deep as you and won't chase you, so you will have space to think.

You aren't thinking clearly. She's fulfilling an immediate need but the actions you're taking will have long term repercussions for you, your DH and your kids.

You need to cut her and the drink and dig deep in therapy. Asap.

SheldonesqueHasGotTheWeevils · 19/04/2021 12:42

Stop the drinking before work for starters. That way lies madness and it really won’t make things better.

Infatuation can be a giddy old thing but it isn’t love and it isn’t worth throwing everything away for.

You may be on a voyage of discovery. You may just have met your soul mate. But you don’t know and it isn’t right for your family to take them along on the ride. It isn’t their voyage.

Step back from her completely. If she is for you she will wait. But you have to sort out in your head if this is what you want or indeed need. And you have to unblur the lines while you do it.

You owe that to your family. And to yourself. You could be on the point of making a life changing decision. Make sure it is right for all of you.

YouAreTheStorm · 19/04/2021 13:05

Can you arrange to meet her for a drink ( nothing physical ) and get to know her a little better before you make any hasty decisions

Struggling to understand some of the advice here! I'm imagining a man who had fallen for another woman being advised to go for a drink with his affair partner to see if she is worth leaving a family for.

A lesbian affair is still an affair. OP is treating her DH like shit - he is apparently a decent guy, little does he know his life is about to be turned upside down.

Step away from this woman and this situation immediately. Seek some therapy without her in the picture.

whiteshark · 19/04/2021 13:11

@YouAreTheStorm has this spot on.

TC68 · 19/04/2021 13:13

It was a suggestion to take a step back from the affair - they have a connection and may be able to turn this to a friendship instead - there is currently an infatuation but that does not last for ever, if she gets to know this lady better and that she may not want to be committed or is having casual relationships with others then the infatuation will fade. People stray and turn to others when something is missing from their partner

Bluedeblue · 19/04/2021 13:19

This is LUST. You can't have spent any real time with this woman, what with Covid and all. I would not be blowing up my whole world for a bit of forbidden sex.

Skyla2005 · 19/04/2021 13:21

I think if you don't find out you are always going to be wondering what If. What if she was the one Try and calm down a bit. Stop drinking altogether and take a step back. Have you got a real friend you can confide in. Someone that won't judge. These things have a way of working out one way or another. Like you said she may not have feelings for you anyway ! Don't make any rash choices now. try and carry on at home best you can and see how this pans out. Definitely stop the drinking tho. Good luck

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