Affair/ losing my mind

[hernameisHannah]

Reached a new low today, when I left work I went to buy a miniature bottle of gin and drank it before getting on the train.

On 6th March I met a woman and fell head over heels in something. I'm 100% unhealthily obsessed with her. To the detriment of my work, sleep, health and everything else. Two weeks ago we met up and we had sex and it was beautiful. I've never experienced true passion before. I didn't think I was capable of it.

I'm married with 2 children and have been with my husband for 15 years.

I wouldn't make any decisions now OP. You are in the full grip of infatuation and you can't make a rational decision about this woman and what this all means while you feel like this. Bring it down to earth a bit and get to know her more.

Those saying go NC with the crush - it is highly unlikely you will be able to cut her out when you are in fully infatuation. And to be honest, what if this is something important for you to know more about? I don't advocate staying in a marriage as a sacrifice for your husband or kids. Generally it doesn't bring anyone happiness long term. My mum always used to say - "you think you are being kind by staying with him, even though you aren't happy, but what if the right one for him is out there and you are keeping him from her?"

Just tread carefully. There is a lot at stake.

@YouAreTheStorm

Can you arrange to meet her for a drink ( nothing physical ) and get to know her a little better before you make any hasty decisions

Struggling to understand some of the advice here! I'm imagining a man who had fallen for another woman being advised to go for a drink with his affair partner to see if she is worth leaving a family for.

A lesbian affair is still an affair. OP is treating her DH like shit - he is apparently a decent guy, little does he know his life is about to be turned upside down.

Step away from this woman and this situation immediately. Seek some therapy without her in the picture.

Absolutely this.

No contact with this woman. No drinking. Therapy.

The only sensible steps.

Advising someone to be mates with and go for drinks with someone they've shagged and are besotted with is just recommending they continue the affair but switch it from physical to emotional. The latter often is more hurtful to the partner cheated on FYI.

Not sure why some of that is crossed out

@GrumpyTerrier

I wouldn't make any decisions now OP. You are in the full grip of infatuation and you can't make a rational decision about this woman and what this all means while you feel like this. Bring it down to earth a bit and get to know her more.

Those saying go NC with the crush - it is highly unlikely you will be able to cut her out when you are in fully infatuation. And to be honest, what if this is something important for you to know more about? I don't advocate staying in a marriage as a sacrifice for your husband or kids. Generally it doesn't bring anyone happiness longterm. My mum always used to say - "you think you are being kind by staying with him, even though you aren't happy, but what if the right one for him is out there and you are keeping him from her?"

Just tread carefully. There is a lot at stake.

Well no, nobody should self sacrifice or steal years from a spouse by being in an unhappy relationship. But breaking up after a period of self reflection is surely the best way to stop this happening rather than shagging someone while you're deciding...

Look up limerence, you can't love someone without knowing them.

Tell your husband - he has a right to know and things will probably fall into place.

He has probably realised all is not well inside your head so its the decent thing to do

You’re having an affair, destroying your family and your children’s lives but hey, crack on feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t spare a thought for your husband or children

@YouAreTheStorm thank god someone on here has some brains. Never in a million years would a man be advised to go for a drink and get to know the woman he’s just cheated on his wife with.

The lesbian / bi thing is irrelevant frankly. Its another person who you may or may not have a "connection" with, who may or may not be your "soul mate" (except definitely not as they don't exist and you barely know this person). This is a common or garden affair, limerance, lust. Boring, not remotely special or different and it does not justify turning your family into a shredded mess of maintenance and contact and all the rest of it. I was you (minus kids) and acted on it, utterly fucking up my lovely exDH1. I then had it done to me (with kids) by exDH2 who was so "in love" he had to walk out on our new marriage and slightly less new children . Its 6 years on and they are still not ok with the fact that we are not together. Like you and your DH, we were fine, good even. The reason they make you promise "forsaking all others" is because it acknowledges that there could be others, but you are supposed to make a conscious choice to turn them away having made that committment. We are not talking about staying in an awful or abusive or loveless marriage - that's when divorce is absolutely the right thing. But jumping ship because "life is to short", when you gave kids, is unforgivable, Your life is probably going to be damn sight longer than your kids' childhoods.

How do you know if you should leave your husband? Erm... you know because you're being unfaithful, that's how.

Listen, I am the last person to condemn affairs - I am the product of one - I wouldn’t be here if people married to the wrong person didn’t sometimes fall in love with the right person, and act on it! My mom and dad have had the best relationship for about 45 years. It’s genuinely possible to fall in love with a soul-mate, even if you are already married with kids.

What I do not think is right is prolonged fucking over of your spouse. So you have met this woman, slept together, it’s beautiful, feels right..... So now you have to do the hard but necessary bit. Stop stringing your husband along, woman up and leave him. He deserves to be with somebody who totally loves him. The fact that you have fallen for someone else, shows you don’t.

I don’t think you are some revolting sinner, OP. But you do definitely need to bite the bullet. For everyone’s sake.....

Just beware that she may not be "the one". Infatuation is overwhelming but it can disappear as quickly as it comes. I've known people leave their partner only to find their new love is nothing special after all. One returned to her DH after a couple of days.

TC68 I think people stray when there’s something missing in themselves.
To decide that your partner isn’t fulfilling your needs is one thing. To use that as an excuse to selfishly stray instead of using it as an opportunity to have the frank and honest discussion you owe your partner is entirely another.
OP, this is an infatuation but clearly showing you that you are at a crossroads with serious decisions to make. Use your therapy to help you find out what is going on for you. You sound as if you are in a lot of pain and turmoil.
In fairness to your partner, cut communication with this woman, at least until you are single, and have an honest conversation with him instead. I agree with the poster upthread. If this had been a married man who had slept with a woman, I doubt he’d have been advised to see her again behind his wife’s back to see if they could be ‘just friends’ instead. More secret meetings of any nature are still continuing the deception.
Please speak to your partner first. The pain of being on the receiving end of infidelity is unbearable and life-changing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

@HugeAckmansWife your honesty and wisdom leaps out of every word. So sorry you had to go through so much. Hope you find happiness. X

Are you implying your therapist is telling you to carry on shagging someone else and not telling your husband because either is a big decision?

That can’t be right. Because it sounds bloody stupid, heartless and cruel.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are you implying your therapist is telling you to carry on shagging someone else and not telling your husband because either is a big decision?

That can’t be right. Because it sounds bloody stupid, heartless and cruel.

I assume she hasn't told her psychologist everything, probably omitted the fact that she is having an affair.

Google limerance. It's the most overpowering feeling and is very hard to deal with. The only solution is no contact FOR EVER.

,thewookiemustgo. Thank you. Other than wishing my kids had a full time Dad I'm v good.. I just wish someone had booted some sense into me with DH1 and that I could have found the right words to convince DH2 that his family mattered more than his 'soul mate'.

Where are all the good men? I think a lot of the ones I know are in marriages like yours.

OP - your mind is frazzled by love chemicals and hormones that are affecting your body in a way last experienced as a teenager. This phenomenon doesn't just affect middle aged men. Grown women are reduced to silly adolescent girls by the attention and interest of someone they are very attracted to. But you know nothing about this woman. Certainly not enough to blow up your life.

I'm sorry to tell you that this is the easy bit. It's all feelings and fantasy, fog and denial. And I suspect you know how entitled and selfish you are being.

Next comes the justification for the lies and gaslighting and abuse/neglect toward your partner and family.

Then reality starts to seep in, around about the time the intensity wears off and you start to find fault in your perfect affair partner. You'll brush over these things and continue to future fake, but one of you will be lying - mixing fantasy of being together with intusive thoughts of real life consequences.

And then you'll get careless and get discovered -and the lives of the people you love most will never be the same again.

Like any addiction, it gives you a taste of heaven, before it drags you into hell. And to get your fix you will lie and steal and sacrifice your family, your home, your self worth. And in five out of ten cases it means the end of your marriage. I about nine times out of ten, there is no future relationship with your AP, just devastation.

But you think you'll be OK, you can handle it, you won't get caught. Right? But that is how every addiction starts.

You will be undoubtedly experiencing the euphoria of this newly discovered part of yourself. Next to this, your relationship with your H may well seem unexciting. But...you are in a distorted state of mind. You need to give yourself time preferably without contact with this woman to view this experience at a distance and then you'll be in a better position to consider whether this is a path you wish to take or not or just an exciting form of escape. I'm sure you know this already, but drinking will be a way of numbing your feelings. Marriage and kids can feel humdrum a lot of the time so are you perhaps being seduced by the idea of passion rather than this particular woman? Maybe this affair appears to offer you a chance to escape your role as wife and mum but think carefully as the grass isn't necessarily greener and it's wise to wait and let your feelings settle down.

You are in limerence! It is intoxicating, dangerous and destructive. Google it.

OP the other person is irrelevant to your relationship. You need to independently decide whether you want to leave your husband - with all that implies - regardless of another person.
It is unfair and selfish to 'test the waters' for everyone involved, including the other woman.
Sort out your existing relationship and then pursue a new one if that's what you want to do.
But at least be honest and give the other people in your life the dignity and respect of making their own decisions.
The destruction of your family may or may not be worth it, OP. But it's a risk you need to consider over and above your own gratification.

Some pretty emotive language on here, from a “marriage must be preserved at all costs” standpoint - “destruction of your family”? I left my husband, with whom I have a child. Nothing and nobody got destroyed - we are all really happy thanks, much more so than we were when exH and I were still together. And we’re still a family. Just a different type of one.

OP has fallen for and slept with someone else. Ergo her husband is not the right person for her. And he too deserves to be with someone who loves him enough not to do this. They will both be happier apart. Whether or not she ends up with the AP, whether it’s limerence or actual love (not sure how anyone can diagnose this from the limited info OP has given) is really neither here nor there.

I stayed with my exH through his numerous affairs for years, before finally leaving. It was a total waste of years of my life. And his. Why anyone is wishing this on the OP and her blameless husband I cannot comprehend.....

Name change for this one - I had this issue with a colleague. I was completely infatuated, beyond anything reasonable. Making plans to leave husband and children, convinced he was the one for me for ever. He was single, enjoyed the attention, and it would definitely have been a steamy affair for the time it took me to get caught and destroy my life.

Luckily for me I told a friend before anything happened. Upshot is I ended up getting a new job and leaving before anything happened. It was one of THE worst moments of my life, telling them I was leaving as I'd been there 15 years.

However, given that I never heard from him again I'm guessing he was just an opportunist who saw a chance for a bit of fun. I was not the love of his life.

I'm one of the lucky ones. 5 years on and I still think if I saw him all those feelings would come back, even though I know how shallow and fake they are. They do not feel like it at the time - it is all consuming and destructive. It will destroy your life. The only way is to break contact, which will feel like torture. But honestly, that is your only option.

If this is your brains way of saying that your DH is not for you, deal with that first. End it with dignity and honesty and THEN pursue another relationship if that is what you want.

Having had another friend go through this, her relationship started in limerance did not last. It burnt out pretty quickly, but the damage done is permanent. I am so lucky to have got out before that happened to me.