Page 3 | Affair/ losing my mind

hernameisHannah · 2021-04-19T08:35:46+00:00

Reached a new low today, when I left work I went to buy a miniature bottle of gin and drank it before getting on the train. On 6th March I met a woman and fell head over heels in something. I'm 100% unhealthily obsessed with her. To the detriment of my work, sleep, health and everything else. Two weeks ago we met up and we had sex and it was beautiful. I've never experienced true passion before. I didn't think I was capable of it. I'm married with 2 children and have been with my husband for 15 years.

Fireflygal · 20/04/2021 08:48

@Lovelydiscusfish, if your Ex had numerous affairs than I suspect your marriage was not worth saving as he was incapable of fidelity.

I think in this situation the Op has just fallen for someone whilst in a happy marriage.

@HugeAckmansWife, is your Ex still with OW? A friend had a similar situation and whilst they are still together the Ex is not happy. The grass wasn't greener and his soul mate, wasn't the love of his life. They are staying together but the dc witness their Dad and OW arguing.

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 20/04/2021 09:30

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I am reading and re-reading all your messages. I'm feeling down, but not in the same desperate way as yesterday. Life without her just seems so grey and boring. But you are all correct, even if she is my soul-mate and love of my life I need to stop acting like a ridiculous teenager.

OP posts:

HugeAckmansWife · 21/04/2021 15:59

firefly yes they are, and from the litlr I see via the kids are happy, though every other aspect of his life is pretty fucked, financially and professionally he's taken big steps backward, lost friends and most crucially, only sees the kids 4 days a month (his choice not mine). OP, I get it, I do. My now ex and I started as an affair and I thought I HAD to be with him, that the fact I could sleep spooned up to him mean something significant, that the fact we had to be in physical contact if we were in the same room meant we were soul mates. I was all utter utter bollocks and the hurt I caused my 1st husband is unforgivable. All that starry eyed crap faded and we were more or less similarly happy as I'd been before but the pressure of kids and then his turn to be swept away wrecked it. That flatness you're feeling is understandable but will fade if you keep no contact. If it helps, think about this: if she truly loved and wanted the best for you, she would not be putting you in a position to harm your children, which you WILL do if this continues. Effectively, she is harming your children. Why would you want to be with someone like that? She is an enemy of your family. Sounds dramatic but is true. You may or may not have issues with your DH.. I don't believe this type of infatuation is a symptom of something lacking in the marriage and doesn't mean you must secretly be unhappy or unfulfilled. I wasn't unhappy with DH1, just massively fancied DH2 and was utterly lacking in judgement.

YouAreTheStorm · 21/04/2021 20:44

@hernameisHannah

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to reply. I am reading and re-reading all your messages. I'm feeling down, but not in the same desperate way as yesterday. Life without her just seems so grey and boring. But you are all correct, even if she is my soul-mate and love of my life I need to stop acting like a ridiculous teenager.

Good for you, I wish you well. I can imagine breaking contact will be very, very hard but you won't be able to unpick what is going on here unless you do.

You say your DH is a good man, maybe just not ultimately right for you. She isn't your soul mate as much as it may feel like it right now.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

AramintaLee · 22/04/2021 15:38

@hernameisHannah

How do I know if I don't love him any more? How do I know if I should leave? Obviously it would be devastating for him and my kids. I was able to have a session with a psychologist last week and she said I shouldn't make any big decisions at the moment because I'm not thinking straight.

I'm drinking too much on the days she doesn't message me. I don't know how much she likes me.

I've kind of always known I was bi but never really admitted it to myself and never experimented before.

The first part is what you need to establish. Stop having sex with other people and grow up. You need to sort out your marriage (one way or another) and shagging someone else is not going to give you the clear mind you need. All you're going to be thinking about is her. You need to be thinking about you, your husband and your kids. If she really feels wants you, she will respect that.

Xztop · 22/04/2021 16:03

I can't offer any advice. But I do know how it feels to be obsessed with someone so much they take over your every thought. It happened to me after someone I 'met' online showed me the attention I didnt get from my husband before we split up. He was all I could think about, planned my life around when he was available. It's hard, especially when you are not a teenager anymore!!! I hope you find the best solution for all of you.

Seadad · 29/04/2021 08:50

The thing is OP - there is very little in life to compare with the first flush of romance, sex, mutual attraction and desire. The other thing is these feelings can't and don't last forever - and basing life changing decisions around trying to keep them is usually because your body wants to act before your head finds out how short sighted you are being.
Your marriage isn't 'OK' - perhaps it was - but now it is in absolute peril. If you choose to confess - those grey days will become a lot more dramatic.

Your 'grey' feeling is the feeling of choosing deceit over truth in your life. Most affairs are one part exileration and nine parts silent longing due to this choice.
You've now crossed a very big line. But you still need to live an authentic life - so tell your DH who you are, what you've done and how you feel. Seperate for a while and let reality set in. He may choose to divorce or perhaps he will want the chance to open your relationship to others or start again in your marriage. Either way - it will be authentic and less grey.

pinkplantpotspot · 30/04/2021 11:28

You need to be honest with your husband @hernameisHannah as hard as it may be, it's the right thing to do.

PinotPony · 30/04/2021 13:14

If you're "obsessed" with her, this might be worth a read...
livingwithlimerence.com/a-limerence-quiz/

You've recognised that you're infatuated but don't really know her.

I agree with PPs that you need to figure this out in a slow reasoned way. Otherwise you will cause a lot of hurt. Cut the contact with her... be honest about why... if she's worth it she'll wait. Then talk to your husband and make a decision together about whether your marriage is salvageable. If it is, then focus on that. If it's not, put him out if his misery and go figure out what you want.

ItsMeHannah · 30/04/2021 16:51

Well OP didn’t stop seeing me and in a perhaps even more questionable move she told me she’d made a mumsnet post about me! Was extremely easy to find, awkward. Signed up just so I could respond.

I basically agree with the less simping-for-men takes here. I’m not pro cheating, but I do think there are some unrealistic perspectives here about how common it occurs and the other partner never finds out, life going on as normal. It’s up to her whether she disclosed the affair to him, but id wonder what the benefit would be. He’s going to be outraged or devastated, meaning that any potential work to repair the relationship is near impossible. But whatever, that’s her marriage and her issue.

We talked a lot tonight, before I read this. I’m definitely not as into it, not in uh... limerence which has been posted so many times in this thread. But I like her, a lot. If she was single I wouldn’t be worried, but this situation is loaded and there are innocent parties who are in scope to get hurt. We have agreed to just dial it back to friendship until she figures out what she’s doing in her own life.

Tomyoneandonly · 30/04/2021 17:39

Be truthful. Tell your dh maybe you are making home life uncomfortable for your family and your dh needs to know. I guess as you've mentioned alcohol. I would also sort your emotional issues as I just don't believe falling in love with anyone kinda business. You can always choose who you fall in love with or you will always be of a weak mind. Only you can sort this out. As its your mess you have created. Is it lust is it desire? Only you know. I get that you are married from your post so how would you allow your emotions to stray?

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 03/05/2021 22:58

I did it, I told him the truth. Not everything but enough.
Now my husband has a broken heart and is in this awful humiliating position of begging me not to leave, telling me he will be a better husband.
And I am no less confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 03/05/2021 23:39

Btw enough of the limerence stuff thanks! It has been interesting reading and kind of helpful (grounding) but most of it doesn't resonate with me.
I've got a lot of turmoil going on with regard to my marriage, my sexuality and my future causing my sleepless nights as well as my feelings for her.

OP posts:

IntricateIguana · 04/05/2021 01:30

I shouldn't make any big decisions at the moment because I'm not thinking straight.

True to an extent. You're not thinking straight but end of the day you cheated. There is no time or thoughts that will erase this.
It should be up to your husband if he is stupid enough to stay. But he is owed the truth. Your feelings come second to his at the moment because you are the one in the wrong.

Tell him allow him to leave if he wants to then sort yourself out from there. The fact you'll ruin his and the kids lives is all on you at the end of the day and too late to change. You did it had your fun now crying about it. He deserves to know who he's sleeping with at night.

IntricateIguana · 04/05/2021 01:31

@hernameisHannah

I did it, I told him the truth. Not everything but enough. Now my husband has a broken heart and is in this awful humiliating position of begging me not to leave, telling me he will be a better husband. And I am no less confused.

Wow just saw this after I posted. Well balls in your court then. He seems stupid enough to allow you to get away with it so do what you like. No confusion there as far as I can see. But I hope you're proud of yourself all the same.

Poor kids :(

YouAreTheStorm · 04/05/2021 08:21

@hernameisHannah

I did it, I told him the truth. Not everything but enough. Now my husband has a broken heart and is in this awful humiliating position of begging me not to leave, telling me he will be a better husband. And I am no less confused.

What do you mean 'not everything but enough'?

Have you told him you've cheated and are in lust with another person?

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 04/05/2021 09:22

Yes that's what I told him

OP posts:

YouAreTheStorm · 04/05/2021 10:31

So what next OP? Are you separating?

Original poster

hernameisHannah · 05/05/2021 07:08

Not imminently...
He's desperate for us to make it work and my head is telling me to stay and try.
My heart has other ideas.

OP posts:

User657849 · 05/05/2021 07:26

@YouAreTheStorm, I know, I would have loved to see the responses if they OP hadn’t revealed that she’s a woman.

PinotPony · 05/05/2021 19:40

@ItsMeHannah

Well OP didn’t stop seeing me and in a perhaps even more questionable move she told me she’d made a mumsnet post about me! Was extremely easy to find, awkward. Signed up just so I could respond.

I basically agree with the less simping-for-men takes here. I’m not pro cheating, but I do think there are some unrealistic perspectives here about how common it occurs and the other partner never finds out, life going on as normal. It’s up to her whether she disclosed the affair to him, but id wonder what the benefit would be. He’s going to be outraged or devastated, meaning that any potential work to repair the relationship is near impossible. But whatever, that’s her marriage and her issue.

We talked a lot tonight, before I read this. I’m definitely not as into it, not in uh... limerence which has been posted so many times in this thread. But I like her, a lot. If she was single I wouldn’t be worried, but this situation is loaded and there are innocent parties who are in scope to get hurt. We have agreed to just dial it back to friendship until she figures out what she’s doing in her own life.

It must be awkward for you that the OP has openly shared her very strong feelings about you when you don't appear to feel the same. But it's great that you can both talk about it in a mature way. Dialling it back to friendship sounds like a sensible plan while the dust of the affair settles and OP focuses on resolving the difficulties in her marriage.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2021 20:03

Once a line has been crossed, 'dialling it back to friendship' is a bit bullshit really isn't it? It's just a way of continuing to speak to each other without physically cheating. Still taking up headspace and heartspace especially when one of you (OP) is more into it than the other.

There's no reason at all not to say 'let's cease contact for 3 months / 6 months and then if one of us wants to get in touch with the other and see how they are doing once that period of time passes that would be ok but nothing sooner as we need time to decide independently how we feel'.

Anything else is just romanticising the dynamic and will leave OP's DH feeling even more shit about himself.

YouAreTheStorm · 05/05/2021 21:09

@hernameisHannah

Not imminently... He's desperate for us to make it work and my head is telling me to stay and try. My heart has other ideas.

You are being extraordinarily cruel to your DH. Stay and try for what? You seem to pity him, which is never going to go well.

Maybe try and tell him, "I don't love you, I love a woman who I have had sex with, and it was absolutely incredible, in fact I fell head over heels in love with her the night we slept together. I'm going to try and make it work with you for financial/moral/logistical (delete as approporiate) reasons."

YouAreTheStorm · 05/05/2021 21:15

@ItsMeHannah

Well OP didn’t stop seeing me and in a perhaps even more questionable move she told me she’d made a mumsnet post about me! Was extremely easy to find, awkward. Signed up just so I could respond.

I basically agree with the less simping-for-men takes here. I’m not pro cheating, but I do think there are some unrealistic perspectives here about how common it occurs and the other partner never finds out, life going on as normal. It’s up to her whether she disclosed the affair to him, but id wonder what the benefit would be. He’s going to be outraged or devastated, meaning that any potential work to repair the relationship is near impossible. But whatever, that’s her marriage and her issue.

We talked a lot tonight, before I read this. I’m definitely not as into it, not in uh... limerence which has been posted so many times in this thread. But I like her, a lot. If she was single I wouldn’t be worried, but this situation is loaded and there are innocent parties who are in scope to get hurt. We have agreed to just dial it back to friendship until she figures out what she’s doing in her own life.

I missed this post somehow. Bloody hell, the pair of you! Grow up.