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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Division of labour

65 replies

Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 08:02

I work four days a week, 8.30-4pm.
This is how my day goes:

6am - get up and ready myself. 6.30am get up dc1 and sort him out. 7am get up dc2 and sort her out. 7.30am take dc1 down to secondary school. Come back and then take dc2 to breakfast club for 8.15am. Go to work. Work. Dc1 walks back unless there’s a club and then I fetch him. Pick up dc2 from after school club. Back for 4.30. Sort out dc. Make dinner. Do any necessary stuff like laundry. Help dc1 with homework if necessary. Do bathtime for dc2. 8pm do bedtime for dc2. 8.45pm sort out uniforms and make packed lunches. Tidy kitchen from dinner if I’ve not yet done it. Sort out bags and dc’s things for mornings. 10pm go to bed.
On my day off I run errands and do housework. At the weekend I get up with the dc - well dc2, dc1 isn’t up early these days - on Saturdays and sundays. Saturday I have them on my own all day. I do all the cooking and housework at the weekends.

DH - Monday -Friday - gets up 8.15. Starts work from home at 8.30. Finishes work at 5.30. Lies on sofa / goes to golf.
Saturday goes to golf. Leaves at 9am. Back about 5pm. Sunday gets up about 11am. Might go for run.

Starting to get a bit fed up tbh.

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 19/04/2021 08:06

Have you spoken to him about it?

How is your relationship otherwise?

Lucyccfc68 · 19/04/2021 08:06

Time to get up on a Saturday morning and leave the house at 8.30am and leave your DH with the kids. What a lazy arse he is.

Then have a conversation about why he has checked out of family life and what he is going to do to change it. If you leave him, he would be having the kids every other weekend, which would curtail his golf etc.

Original poster
Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 08:10

It’s not brilliant, generally. I feel like I’m basically on my own.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/04/2021 08:11

What purpose does he serve in your family life beyond providing money? You would get more child free leisure time if you divorced so long as he bothered to have the DC!

Does he do any household or DC tasks?

Original poster
Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 08:13

No. Well. He mows the lawn a couple of times a year.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/04/2021 08:15

Personally I'd divorce

MichelleScarn · 19/04/2021 08:16

How old are dc? Can dc1 not get up and to school on own as you've said they can get back ok? Would that not reduce lots of morning tasks?

Original poster
Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 08:20

Dc1 is just 12 but has SEN. It takes a lot of running around behind him to get him out in the mornings.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/04/2021 08:33

You should both get up at 6.30 you can get ready whilst he gets DC1 ready.

How is the resentment not making you murderous?

If you are doing it all anyway what is the point of him? He creates more laundry and mess and contributes nothing beyond money?

Does he even share finances equally? What would happen if you started going away every 2nd or 3td weekend for a break? Would he be ok with that?

RandomMess · 19/04/2021 08:36

You should have equal leisure time and equal disposable income for hobbies/luxuries etc

GoddessLocs · 19/04/2021 08:36

You definitely need to speak to your husband as the workload is not fair at all. If he is completely incompetent, you may have to make a list of his and your housework. I would set a date and if changes are not made by that point, look to divorce and he will have to look after the children on his weekend.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2021 08:37

How has it got to this point?

Have you every pointed out to him how little he does?

Does he even try to help? Do you tell him he's doing everything wrong/making it worse?

Or does he just lie there like a snoring pig and expect you to do it all?

This is unacceptable and you are going to drive yourself into the ground.

Babdoc · 19/04/2021 08:46

OP, he only gets away with this because you let him. You enable his uselessness by picking up all the chores he is too selfish or lazy to bother with.
Have a meeting with him. Arrive armed with a complete list of all the weekly chores in your home. Tell him you and he will pick alternate chores to be solely responsible for.
If he doesn’t cooperate, inform him that you will be withdrawing all services, effective immediately- you will not wash his clothes or buy and cook his meals. And there will be no more sex, as you don’t find selfish pigs remotely desirable.

Aria2015 · 19/04/2021 08:47

Show him what you've written here and ask him why you wouldn't be better off separated and sharing custody!? At least then you'd get a break and he'd be forced to pitch in.

I work part time and have two dc. Ever since we had 2nd dc, dh and I sort out one child each for mornings / bedtime. He does have a hobby at weekends so I look after both dc but then he gives me a break when he gets back or a lie in the next day. I do most of the housework but dh cooks. We mostly feel like this is a fair arrangement and that's what it's about, fairness and working as a team. Your dh is being a lazy arse and I'd be raging with resentment if I were you!

Original poster
Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 09:18

I was a sahm and then worked but only three days so I’ve just always done it all but even when I started working more hours nothing changed. I didn’t expect it you if I’m honest, but I am shattered and fed up.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 19/04/2021 09:22

Im not surprised your fed up. Women’s lib has done nothing for us , we just work as well.

Perhaps you need to tell him and if he wont do it get a cleaner?

Original poster
Lemurlongtail · 19/04/2021 09:28

Women’s lib is doing it all, not having it all.

OP posts:
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/04/2021 09:38

Tell him you're tired so you're giving up the paid work. If you don't want to do that, he has to stand up and share the load. From now on one child each in the morning and sharing the chores, do not do any more of your fair share! He's got it fucking made

Welshgal85 · 19/04/2021 09:47

What does he say when you speak to him about this?

pointythings · 19/04/2021 09:52

Time for the big Come to Jesus talk. You're working 80% of full time so your division of labour now needs to change from 100/0 to approximately 55/45. It's not going to be easy, he has a lot of bad habits to break.

timeisnotaline · 19/04/2021 09:55

Why don’t you do what someone has suggested- get up Saturday and go out. Message him that you’ll be home after dinner.
When you come home say we need to talk and go to bed.
What is it you want to happen? My dh and I both work and split jobs. He picked up dc came home and made dinner, now he’s off to football and I’m putting dc to bed.

Lozzerbmc · 19/04/2021 10:11

I think most men happy to leave it all to women if they get chance to. My DP cooks, and does a few chores but not his share but women will always do more. I think you need to tell him you need more support. Its really infuriating

Mundayblues · 19/04/2021 12:18

Have you discussed this with your husband?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/04/2021 12:30

@Lozzerbmc

I think most men happy to leave it all to women if they get chance to. My DP cooks, and does a few chores but not his share but women will always do more. I think you need to tell him you need more support. Its really infuriating
Doesn't that make you resent him though? That he's someone who is happy for you to do more than your share just because you have a vagina and he has a penis?
Natty13 · 19/04/2021 12:45

You teach people how to treat you IMO. My DH does (probably more than) his fair share and no way would I put up with anything less. Likewise I have brothers and they all pull their weight in their families.

My parents had fairly "traditional" roles when I was growing up but I wasn't raised to think I'd have to do everything for any future husband just because I have a vagina. My dad being older retired years before my mum and they just switched roles. He now does all she did when she was at home with us/worked PT.

Some of the posts on this board just make me shake my head....I can't think of anyone in my life who lives like this yet there are always loads of comments comiserating and agreeing. Why do you put up with it?