Division of labour

[Lemurlongtail]

I work four days a week, 8.30-4pm.
This is how my day goes:

6am - get up and ready myself. 6.30am get up dc1 and sort him out. 7am get up dc2 and sort her out. 7.30am take dc1 down to secondary school. Come back and then take dc2 to breakfast club for 8.15am. Go to work. Work. Dc1 walks back unless there’s a club and then I fetch him. Pick up dc2 from after school club. Back for 4.30. Sort out dc. Make dinner. Do any necessary stuff like laundry. Help dc1 with homework if necessary. Do bathtime for dc2. 8pm do bedtime for dc2. 8.45pm sort out uniforms and make packed lunches. Tidy kitchen from dinner if I’ve not yet done it. Sort out bags and dc’s things for mornings. 10pm go to bed.
On my day off I run errands and do housework. At the weekend I get up with the dc - well dc2, dc1 isn’t up early these days - on Saturdays and sundays. Saturday I have them on my own all day. I do all the cooking and housework at the weekends.

DH - Monday -Friday - gets up 8.15. Starts work from home at 8.30. Finishes work at 5.30. Lies on sofa / goes to golf.
Saturday goes to golf. Leaves at 9am. Back about 5pm. Sunday gets up about 11am. Might go for run.

Starting to get a bit fed up tbh.

You sound really ground down and exhausted. He earns 10X what you do but wants to split the cost of a cleaner? That’s outrageous, as is him doing nothing around the house or it sounds any kind of parenting.

Your house is mortgage free? Do you at least jointly own it?

Is he supportive of you working generally?

He always says he will support whatever I want to do and whatever makes me happy.
However this seems to translate as letting me get on with things as long as they don’t disrupt him.
I was working three days before so I’ve taken the extra day and I think this is the tipping point for me because when I had two days free I did have one day to do something I wanted or just have a rest. I still got the kids up and out for school etc but then I had a few hours before fetching them. Now my free day is spent catching up on housework and chores.

So what do you want?

Do you want to work? Reduce your days? Carry on the same but him pay for a cleaner?

Do you want him to be hands on with the DC so he builds a relationship with them?

Do you have access to family money or just what you earn?

He has you looking after his DC full time and you working to pay for the privilege.

Does he spend any time with you or the DC? What positive things does he bring to your life?

I can tell you that you are in an abusive relationship, not sure you are ready to accept that though.

He has money to play golf and do and have whatever he wants, do you?

Do you have access to family money?
Hire the cleaner from that.

Does he know what you earn? Perhaps he needs a reminder.

I want to work because otherwise I’m totally beholden to him financially. I only have access to what I earn. Also I think it’s good for the dc to see me working. I don’t have the sort of money he does - he has just spend several hundred pounds on a new golf bag for example - but I haven’t built my career as he has because I’ve had time out with the dc.

I want him to DO something - but without me spoon feeding it to him. I want him to get up in the mornings and take one of the dc. Or cook dinner once a week. Or let me have a lie in on one of the weekend days.
I will speak to him. I don’t think it’ll make any difference. And then I will have to decide where I go from there I suppose.

I suspect he is misogynistic and he sees it as his money, DC as women's work and does not value your contribution at all. Did he actively want children? Is being a "family" man valued in his career?

He is being outright abusive regarding money. Please speak to women's aid.

He won't pay for childcare because he regards feeding you and allowing you to live in his house as reward enough for child rearing his DC.

He basically has a free nanny, housekeeper and sex provider.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You only have access to what you earn?!. Yet more financially abusive behaviour from him towards you (and in turn his children) if this is how it is. Such abusive types never share anything with anyone.

When was the last time you went to the dentist, had a haircut or buy some new clothes?. I note without much surprise also he spent a small fortune on a golf bag (again something that benefits he and he alone). I would also think he visits the dentist, hairdresser etc far more often than you do.

Do not further speak to him about this, what is the point?. I would concur with the counsel to speak to Womens Aid as well as planning your exit from this marriage of unequals. He won't make the process of you leaving him at all easy (he likes having you around to facilitate his lifestyle) and will remain obstructive throughout; this does not mean that you should not leave him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

He wants you to be forced to give up work so you can be a stepFord wife.

He wants you to have no money. So you are his prisoner as if you don’t have money you can’t leave, right. Wrong.

That’s not love.

Get him told you want access to family money so you can hire a cleaner and mothers help or housekeeper for a few hours a week and buy the kids the things they need, pay the window cleaner and gardener etc when you need to.

That these are normal things that the family pot should cover. That you are fed up asking for money like a child asking her father.

Start thinking about how much you could get in a divorce. If you still love him stay by all means, but if not and the dc barely see him anyway, perhaps it’s time to leave?

I only have access to what I earn.

Why does he think he gets to dump all his chores and childcare onto you and then not share his income in return?

@Lemurlongtail, I had exactly the same scenario as you. Married with child to a high earner who thought he was entitled to completely check out of family life. He lived a separate life like a bachelor, weekends were his, he was away from home few nights a week and I strongly suspect a lot of this was using his annual leave to play sport. And like you he did the 'you can do anything you want line. To the outside world he was Mr Nice Guy.

When I had my DD I ended up 100% responsibility, working and paying 50/50 although by that point his salary was many times more than mine. I had nothing left at the end of the month. Nothing I said made any difference to his lack of participation. I ended up threatening divorce and it was at this point that he agreed to share funds although he dragged his feet actioning it. Long story short, he lied about his income and I ended up with 'pocket money' and being a SAHM because he was away so much and someone needed to parent. Wife number two has ended up with exactly the same amount of pocket money BTW.

I wasn't happy, decided to retrain in a career to make me financially independent of him. Result was he was away even more, although telling me he was supportive of me. I ended up giving up, I couldn't manage it all on my own.

The point I am making is that he manipulated me to such an extent I felt dreadful guilt about wanting to leave. Women end up in these scenarios because of manipulation, not because they're stupid.

When I couldn't take anymore I went into therapy where I realised how emotionally abusive he was . He has a mindset that he is an independent person in a marriage and that I should be the same. I should not expect support or help from him because he's king of the universe and earning all that money. Women are made to stay home and raise the children and if they want more they have to get it without affecting him in any way. And I bought into that. Therapist called it Stockholm Syndrome and PTSD.

You have your DH's permission to work more but he doesn't want it to affect him in any way. This way madness lies. I ended up a lot wealthier when I got out and didn't have to suppress my resentment any more. You are doing it all anyway. What will be different? Perhaps some legal advice to quell your natural fears about how you will manage?

He's financially abusing, lazy. And a complete arsehole. Do you a actually still want to be married to him?

I'd be high-tailing it to a divorce lawyer right now. Your h's entitlement and selfishness take my breath away.

He makes you pay all childcare????

He’s financially abusing you.

This reminds me of my father, he was a bachelor with a wife and four kids, another fucking golfer. Kept my DM short of money although he had a successful business, employing 100s. He was also violent. This has resulted in my poor DM having mental illness all her life even into her dotage now. They divorced when I was an adult and even though she had to do low paid jobs she was so much happier without him, (he did he over in the divorce too) The one good thing that came out it was I was determined never to be treated like that by anyone let alone my husband. Where's the 'to love and to cherish'? Get a good lawyer and kick him into touch

I also agree with another poster who said to stop cooking and washing for him. Basically you're too tired so he needs to stump up for a cleaner. This is just for the time leading up to the divorce!

Fgs divorce the prick and get what you’re entitled to