Division of labour

[Lemurlongtail]

I work four days a week, 8.30-4pm.
This is how my day goes:

6am - get up and ready myself. 6.30am get up dc1 and sort him out. 7am get up dc2 and sort her out. 7.30am take dc1 down to secondary school. Come back and then take dc2 to breakfast club for 8.15am. Go to work. Work. Dc1 walks back unless there’s a club and then I fetch him. Pick up dc2 from after school club. Back for 4.30. Sort out dc. Make dinner. Do any necessary stuff like laundry. Help dc1 with homework if necessary. Do bathtime for dc2. 8pm do bedtime for dc2. 8.45pm sort out uniforms and make packed lunches. Tidy kitchen from dinner if I’ve not yet done it. Sort out bags and dc’s things for mornings. 10pm go to bed.
On my day off I run errands and do housework. At the weekend I get up with the dc - well dc2, dc1 isn’t up early these days - on Saturdays and sundays. Saturday I have them on my own all day. I do all the cooking and housework at the weekends.

DH - Monday -Friday - gets up 8.15. Starts work from home at 8.30. Finishes work at 5.30. Lies on sofa / goes to golf.
Saturday goes to golf. Leaves at 9am. Back about 5pm. Sunday gets up about 11am. Might go for run.

Starting to get a bit fed up tbh.

@Mundayblues

Have you discussed this with your husband?

This. Strange OP hadn't even mentioned this when surely it needs to be a conversation between her and her husband, not a bunch of strangers on the Internet!

He could be lazy, but for all we know perhaps he would help but OP likes things done her way so he's just let her get on with it. Crazy that some people's snap reaction is divorce when none of us don't know anywhere near the whole story or both sides of the story.

starting to get a bit fed up? You should be fucking livid and laying it on the line. Shape up or fuck off.

He just won’t do it.
He’s said he will go halves on a cleaner but I earn a lot less than him and already pay for all the childcare in wrap wraparound and holidays.

So finances are shared either in as much as you don't have equal access to "spare family money".

I hope you don't do any of his laundry at all in any shape or form.

Why do you pay for all the childcare?

He said he couldn’t afford it.
He does pay most of the bills for the house. I pay the stuff for the children - clothes, hobbies etc. But he earns approx £170k (pre tax) and I earn approx £16k.

He doesn’t pay a mortgage because we don’t have one.

So he's financially abusive.

£170k salary pre tax, no mortgage and he can't afford to pay for childcare, so that's for you to spend all of your salary on?

I smell a sexist wanker who likes his women at home and obedient. Probably resents you working at all because then his narrative of
'Well I'm the one earning all the money' doesn't even hold up to scrutiny.

He allows you to work just enough to cover some of the costs of your (his) children but not to have financial freedom or his respect.

What you've got there OP, is a sexist pig.

No mortgage, so you own the home? As a starting point I would be working out what your share of that is likely to be if you split.

Life is too short to be with someone who would rather you run around exhausted than lift a finger to ease your burden at times they can.

Opting out of fatherhood for the amount of time he does each week when you don't have the same opportunity to pursue interests is a wanker move too.

Basically, he's a prick.

If he's on £170k before tax, he's taking home about £8k a month... and he is asking you to pay for HALF OF A CLEANER?! As if he can't cover that cost?! And you're paying for all childcare out of YOUR salary which is approx 10% of his. The mind boggles. See a solicitor. A good one. Leave him. Seriously, life is too short for this.

He earns 10 times what you do. So your domestic costs should be shared proportionately - that is, he pays 90%, you pay 10%. Anything else is financial abuse.

Mind you, given your update, I think that what you really need is a divorce.

Based on the information you've given, if you split he would be required on that salary to pay you approx £1.5k a month total in child maintenance based on him having them 1-2 nights a week and you having them the rest. Plus whatever share of the house you got once it's sold. I would be off like a shot, that's enough to give you a bloody good start to leave and start building both your confidence and your earning potential should you want to do so.

So he earns around £8k+ in his hand a month after tax and can't afford to pay for childcare for his children? And being the big 'I am' doesn't care to share any household responsibilities.

I was in a similar position to you, eventually got fed up doing it all myself including being home whilst he did his hobbies had a worm that turned moment and couldn't be happier without my 'lodger'. Also got a good settlement, secure future and a lovely new partner in every sense of the word. Join the club?

Would you consider stopping making dinner for him and not doing his washing or anything else? And taking a day at the weekend for yourself?
Failing that, better to live apart and he might have the kids for the odd day giving you a break

£170k. Wow.

Him paying for a cleaner sounds like a good start.
Followed by a private chef who prepares all meals and lunchboxes for the day.
And a mother’s help type person who can assist with the children in the mornings when required.
And a masseuse (male) once a week as you’ve been getting a sore back recently. He could do sports massage for DH too right enough.

That lot should leave you reasonably free to go to work and have a life. At the moment you just have an existence. If you are actually married I’d be seriously considering divorce. You’d come out better off.

OP,
You are in an abusive relationship.

Get his financial details, pay slips, bank accounts, pension details and a shit hot lawyer and divorce his arse.

You will be better off.
Your children will hardly notice.
Doesn't sound as though he is involved with them.

What a selfish arse.
Get organised.

I’m sorry but he is completely taking advantage of you. The fact he earns such a high wage means he doesn’t have a leg to stand on for not paying his share of the childcare and why does he expect you to go halves on a cleaner when he earns so much? He should be wanting to make your life easier not harder. I don’t believe for a second he can’t afford either of these.

The money isn’t really the point, the main issue is he isn’t being a team player and isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve. You are meant to be in a relationship and that means being a team and sharing things between you, not expecting one person to do everything.

I think you need to get tough with him, not put up with him fobbing you off and tell him what you need and why it’s important to you. If he isn’t willing to change I would be leaving if it was me.

Wow these men !

Could you leave him ?

Crikey moses! When I started reading this thread I thought 'yep, this is my house too' then I got to the 170k part!!!!! Wow, he is pretty much holding you to ransom. He must think he can 'let you' do all the work knowing he is the big earner and that you need him and couldn't manage on your own. I have a similar routine to you, which covers doing the necessary for the kids for school, and also your own work, and I bet you make as much time as possible to play with them whereas as he prefers to lounge about after his busy day. I've felt like a single mother for years - every time we go to the park it's just me and the kids, or even playing out in the garden, just me and the kids. Sometimes he'll come to the back door, look outside at us, close a window and off back to the sofa. Tbh, we have a better time without him so I don't even want him to join us anymore. He always makes his own meals, never anyone else's, and I just let him now. As you might be able to tell, I checked out a long time ago, and I'm hoping to find the strength to move on from this half life. Oh, and I earn more than him, so what he really contributes overall is not a very long list. OP, this is not fair. You have to tell him. Is it just this, or do you just not love him anymore! If he pulled his finger out would you be ok? Good luck x

@Wakingup55643

Crikey moses! When I started reading this thread I thought 'yep, this is my house too' then I got to the 170k part!!!!! Wow, he is pretty much holding you to ransom. He must think he can 'let you' do all the work knowing he is the big earner and that you need him and couldn't manage on your own. I have a similar routine to you, which covers doing the necessary for the kids for school, and also your own work, and I bet you make as much time as possible to play with them whereas as he prefers to lounge about after his busy day. I've felt like a single mother for years - every time we go to the park it's just me and the kids, or even playing out in the garden, just me and the kids. Sometimes he'll come to the back door, look outside at us, close a window and off back to the sofa. Tbh, we have a better time without him so I don't even want him to join us anymore. He always makes his own meals, never anyone else's, and I just let him now. As you might be able to tell, I checked out a long time ago, and I'm hoping to find the strength to move on from this half life. Oh, and I earn more than him, so what he really contributes overall is not a very long list. OP, this is not fair. You have to tell him. Is it just this, or do you just not love him anymore! If he pulled his finger out would you be ok? Good luck x

You poor thing that sounds awful

I'm not saying this to make you feel worse - I'm saying this because it might give you some of the push you say you want to leave.

Every day your kids live with the two of you, no matter how much you think they don't know / notice, they are learning that this is what a normal healthy and loving relationship is meant to look like. That mummys are meant to work as well as look after the kids, but daddys just work and don't have to be present, proactive or kind members of the household. That mummys (so women) have to be kind to men and put them first, but daddys (so men) are allowed to do whatever makes them happy as they aren't equal to mummy - in fact, it is mummys job to make daddy happy. Womens job to make men happy.

It's such a problematic relationship dynamic to grow up in - trust me! And every day you stay with your partner is a little bit more likely they'll replicate this dynamic themselves as adults.

I know all of this @youvegottenminuteslynn I really do. I hate to think that my boys will think this is normal. I actually think they do realise it's not. They come to me and make sure I'm ok, as if they sense my sadness. Since I got home from work today I've played in the garden with both of them, took the youngest out on a three mile bike ride, done a mile run with the eldest, and sorted them out with endless food and now bed. He's laid on the sofa looking like he's about to give birth to triplets. And soon he'll be up to lie here snoring all night, teeth not brushed, while I lie awake exhausted and furious. Wtf am I doing? Wtaf.

He is definitely financially abusive. Are you married? Would you literally be better off if you separated? Is it a nice house and selling it and getting half would give you enough to buy? Presumably he’d have to pay quite a bit in child support? (Or is a huge part of the 170 bonus, so only comes once a year)

@Wakingup55643

I know all of this *@youvegottenminuteslynn* I really do. I hate to think that my boys will think this is normal. I actually think they do realise it's not. They come to me and make sure I'm ok, as if they sense my sadness. Since I got home from work today I've played in the garden with both of them, took the youngest out on a three mile bike ride, done a mile run with the eldest, and sorted them out with endless food and now bed. He's laid on the sofa looking like he's about to give birth to triplets. And soon he'll be up to lie here snoring all night, teeth not brushed, while I lie awake exhausted and furious. Wtf am I doing? Wtaf.

The danger is though that they think you are the best kind of woman in a misogynist mindset - that you don't deserve the way you are treated, but that's because their mum and actually their default setting when it comes to gender dynamics is that women do the doing and men do what they want. It's such a likely scenario and would be so disappointing for you and yet if that does happen, as their mum you will feel loyalty and maybe guilt and enable them to an extent. My ex's mum considers herself a feminist. He treated me like absolute shit. There was always an excuse (he's a creative / tortured soul / complicated etc) but in actuality she created a rubbish partner by enabling the behaviour of her partner and then the behaviour of her son. They are more responsible for that than her - her partner is fully responsible for his actions. But she showed her son (my ex) that even women who say they are feminists and are strong willed stay if you cheat / beat / bully them.

He could not BELIEVE that I left him. "You're leaving me" he said!

The entitlement of misogynists is baffling but even more so is the endorsement of women. Please don't contribute to another generation of that!

Feminist in the tweets, misogynist in the sheets is an all too real reality now...

"have you spoken to him about it".

I've spent 20 years speaking to my DH about a fairer division of labour.

I'm like a broken record. It's made no difference. And i don't think it would make any difference even if I took DC and left. He'd just live in a mess. Or get a cleaner.

I was also a bit gobsmacked to read about your DH income. And particularly shocked about him wanting to go halves on a cleaner.
( Mind you, over the years Ive paid for all cleaners, childcare, school clothes, casual clothes, hair cuts etc etc. Even taken DC on holiday without DH). But my DH doesn't have your DH income.

If he's unreachable on the conversation front, counselling? Or get legal advice at the very least. Get some information, and arm yourself.
Has he told you what he wants from your relationship/ family life etc?

I wish you good luck.