Reaching out to others who have been in a narc cycle

[Melonsmelonspears]

I had no idea when I started getting myself involved with "Dave" that he was toxic. He seemed so genuine and into me. His past seemed ok with women. Just three long realtionships in 27 years. He seemed like he had high standards. Especially because he was still on good terms with his ex.

It sort of went like this.
Compliments. Intense contact. So into me and began to talk about the future. Sent me gifts. Love declared within six weeks.
Lots of sex talk but continued to be nice and talk about the future.
Told me about his depression and struggled with drink in the past. Attempted suicide at one point point.
Noticed he started having moody times.
Started talking to me about a woman he had a fling with after his ex stalking him. Started telling me how he attracted unwanted attention from women and only wanted to be friendly.
Continued to say he had no doubts. I was the one. He had never met someone like me. Bla bla bla.
After a few months I experienced my first punishment for offering him space and asking him if he was sure about a future with me. Two days later he barked he would give it another go but I couldn't keep messing his head up.

I was catching on by this point.
His moods were up and down.
Small insults started. My hair, my complexion.
Still really into me. Compliments. Sex. Planning a future. Told me he wanted to take me and my kids (never met them) to the beach this summer. Told me he would always spoil me and I would feel so loved when I was finally with him properly.

More women stories. The fling lady was back bothering him. Ex wife sending him cross messages. Ex girlfriend still in touch with him. I always felt he wasn't over his ex. She just came up to much.

Started adding more women onto his social media and I caught him out. I was noticing old school friend was suddenly allover him. She was clearly into him. Felt strange seeing it as I was his girlfriend apparently. .
Confronted him. It ended. I contacted the stalker who confirmed he's been messing with her life for two years. Broken promises and in and out with her. She's now on anti depressants and miserable because of him.

For two weeks it was silent. Then he came back asking if I missed him. My gut feelings were screaming the second I saw his name. For two days we messaged but I realised nah I don't want this. I felt anxious and stressed just by him speaking to me. So I called him to explain that I couldn't do this due to xyz and unless he could proove to me that he was going to change it was best we walked away.

He got off the phone. Text the fling womsn and called her a sxxt and she blocked him. I told him It was over and I didn't trust him or want him.

It's been 3 weeks. He blocked me a few days ago. Yes I noticed he had because I do still feel weak and look at our old messages to make sense of things. But I've made no contact.

I know he's added new women since deleting me. I know from spying on the first week onto his page a new women was hearting his photos and an old school friend was calling him beautiful. So I know he's already got new people fussing him.

I've done alot of research since to try help myself understand it was not me. It's him. He's mentally ill.

Unless you've been through this I don't think you can appreciate how hard it is to move on. I have very much moved on from him in that way but I can't get over the lies. The games. The way I fell for it.

This guy sent me expensive gifts. Spent every waking hour in contact. He was weakening me and altering me. He has changed me. I was walking on egg shells. Always trying to please him. Putting him before myself. I was distracted. Drained. Yet my wholeself was believing he was worth it because of how he had shaped me to start with.

Please don't reply to this unless you can relate or give advice. I am aware it's a block and move on thing. But anyone's who's been damaged with this will get how tough it is.

So much more than this but I would be here all day.

Been there, seen it, got the t shirt. It takes a while to recover from a narc relationship as you know how awful he is, but the love bombing and promises at the beginning were something you craved for. Its like a drug really. Yes, block and dont look back. I suggest you delete permanently all the messages and anything that will trigger you. He will be back trying to "hoover" you to return to him. He will cycle through many women -victims- and will continue to screw everyone up in the process. Its hard to move on from these types but you can. To be honest it took me years to finally get over mine. It was 18 months of high intensity before I got the measure of him. That was 15 years ago. He still tries to contact several times a year. Its ignored.

Well done for getting out and blocking him.

His kind do not change and they don't give up easily either, so be prepared for the hoovers and ignore those too. He may still try to contact you after years.
Keep a record of any attempts to contact you in case you need police involvement.

Concentrate on your recovery and moving on. Get counselling if you think it will help.

All the best.

This is what I'm wondering. Will he actually try contact me again eventually? Or has he learned as I've sussed him? I'm local to him to you see. Alot of his victims are two hours away in his home town. Most don't live here.

It's awful isn't it. Can you tell me abit more about your situation?

Thank you. I'm certainly working on recovering from it and will get myself some therapy if I don't feel better soon. I feel abit allover. I can be so thankful for my life one hour as he's got no family around him. He has grown up children but one doesn't even speak to him. He has no relationship with his siblings or dad. He is living in a rented house as his ex owned the house they lived in and it seems she kept the lot.

But there are parts of the day I'm so sad and want to just be alone so I can go over it. I have kids though so it's hard. There dad is so good to me and he's trying so hard to help me but I feel so lost.

The worst part about this whole connection is it was me who chased him. I met him and liked him from the small talk we had that day. I have never felt so attracted to a stranger before and it was me that looked him up. I felt like I was meant to have met him. Because I felt like that I had already painted him in a rosy future end his response to me finding him was so positive I fell for him even more. He's older too so I felt he wouldn't hurt me like this.

I'm in one now op. I understand how difficult it is to move on because of the love bombing. People so easily throw out oh block him and move on. They have no idea it's not that simple. He made me feel attractive, he said all the right things. It's like a drug. The original consent messaging and phone calls had me hooked. It's been 8 months of having him in my life. I know he's totally wrong for me but I find it so hard to let go.

Don't beat yourself up for being the one chasing him. They are very good actors and totally believable so it isn't surprising that you liked him.

I understand you saying you want to be alone so you can get over it but I think it's good you have your children to keep your mind busy. Dwelling on things doesn't help in the long run, you have to train your mind to think about positive things for you and your future and try to give him less head space. You can do all the research and whatnot to try and understand their behaviour but the bottom line is always that it makes no sense, they fuck with your head, break you and move on (hopefully). There is never any winning with them so you have to dust yourself off, hold your head high and don't look back as you leave him snivelling in the rest of his sad little life.

To begin with I didn't block my ex and if I saw anything of him on SM, no matter what it was, it brought my mood right down so I eventually blocked him and made a conscious effort not to know anything about him or his life. It really does go against my nosy grain and my teeth itch to know any gossip but I only started to move on once I had done that. It takes a lot of willpower to do that but it's so worth it.

It's telling that your ex has so many broken relationships behind him. All everyone else's fault by any chance?

Will he actually try contact me again eventually?

Both Women's Aid and my therapist said mine would, but he hasn't. I won't be surprised if he does at some point (when his current relationship ends probably). But I think it less likely if he feels he has lost any power over you, they really are mostly very weak inside.

The main thing is that you concentrate on yourself, if you find yourself thinking about him make a conscious effort to think about kittens or flowers or something, but keep yourself and your children safe. Did he have a key, have you changed the locks?

I found therapy a great help, and Women's Aid, they understand. It takes time, you're only three weeks in, but that's three weeks further on than you were

@thecatsarecrazy

What sort of pattern are you in if you can share a little? I want to really understand the situation I'm in. I've done research that makes me quite confident he's unable to feel empathy for others. He also has really extreme mood swings. He is a compulsive liar and won't admit the truth when he's caught. He's actually really shallow with women. Like he told me he doesn't like cats, big chests on ladies and bigger ladies. He doesn't like a particular beach kind of near us as it's full of "scum"
One of the women who's allover his stuff now lives in that seaside town. She's a bigger lady (perfectly attractive not putting her down).

Personally if I wasnt attracted to someone I couldn't be bothered yet he seems to be happy with anyone who will give him attention.

I noticed he mirrored me. Creepy details like I put a photo of my new photo frames and flowers on Facebook. I had a candle on the shelf and the next day he told me he had these really nice candles but he's burned them all away now. They were the exact scent as mine. I remember him also repeating things I had said a few days or week before.

He would often accuse me of being confusing and yet what I was saying was so clear. I remember once arranging to meet him for a walk and I told him which street was half way from my house to his. He just shut me down and refused to talk about it. He said I don't know all these street names and I have no idea what you are on about. I could walk this way or that way. I literally didn't understand why he was being so difficult.

The hardest part for me is remembering Christmas time. He doesn't acknowledge Christmas and stays home by himself. I remember feeling this mixture of closeness to him and wanting to make him feel loved. It made me sad he was alone. His daughter didn't even go round. It was when all the claims of love started. The gifts too. I remember on boxing Day he was awake at 4am feeling low so I called him for two hours. I was shattered but felt like I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to talk to him. Looking back now it hurts me so much that I gave him so much love. I wanted him to feel loved and worth the world after all the misery he had been through.

Watching him attract other women and knowing he's likely not thinking of me anymore shatters me everyday.

I can't imagine him coming back to me. But I guess he will. But I will never be told the truth. He will never say anything meaningful. Infact he sent a friend request to the fling lady last week and she declined it and he blocked her.

It's so sad that I'm in this situation. It's extremely hard to pull yourself back together. The biggest regret I have now is sending him intimate pictures. I also have many of his too but I never did things like that. He made me feel so safe and it felt like a part of love rather than anything seedy. I've been stupid in more ways than one.

@thecatsarecrazy

I'm in one now op. I understand how difficult it is to move on because of the love bombing. People so easily throw out oh block him and move on. They have no idea it's not that simple. He made me feel attractive, he said all the right things. It's like a drug. The original consent messaging and phone calls had me hooked. It's been 8 months of having him in my life. I know he's totally wrong for me but I find it so hard to let go.

The longer it goes on the more broken you will be and it'll be so much harder to end it and build yourself up again. I hope you can find some inspiration in this thread to find the strength to do what you need to do

@Orgasmagorical

Thank you. I'm the same. Although I'm not sure why. I don't particularly want to see who he's eyeing up at the moment as it really hurts. The woman that finally made us separate was wearing beach clothes and seeing his name under her pictures broke my heart. She was the first local woman I had seen him checking out. She was young like me maybe a couple of years older than me. He deleted her then re added her and I know it was all to hurt me. With him being in his late 40s a lot of the ladies he chases are older than me as I'm in my early 30s. So I think he's targeting divorced middle-aged ladies he knows from school days and things like that. There are are a couple of people that he's added since we've ended who don't live locally and I wonder if they are from a dating app or something. The thing is despite him chasing all these Facebook people he is not over his last relationship. His ex is still very much in his life and it's very toxic I think. They separated 2 years ago and he moved out of their house but they still remain clinging to each other emotionally. So there are a lot of obstacles to get around so you have no chance of a first place position in his life.

I agree with you that I can research and won't ever truly find what I am looking for. It has helped me understand that these broken relationships around him can't possibly be because he's a victim. Clearly he is the problem as so many people have walked away from him from family and friends to women. He's never been able to make it work forever with anybody. He walked away from his children when they were little girls and and he said the ex-wife made things hard for him,but I'm suspicious that there was a lot more to that now. The girls came back to him as grown-ups and one has already stopped speaking to him again. There's a lot of carnage and baggage in his background and and I think that's why I've ended up so confused.

I think with me he did get ever so slightly more involved. I actually think there was a time when he was deadly serious about me. He had started to tell his boss and cousins about me. I was in first place for a while I guess and I think when he started to need to commit to me more he couldn't handle that anyway. So I believe he did in his own way love me as far as he can love somebody but he was never going to be able to to commit and focus on just me. It's frustrating because I have children. I've heard him call other women stalkers so I imagine that's what I will be called going forwards.

It was me who contacted his "stalker". The stalker and me swapped stories. The stalker then contacted his ex girlfriend who told him she had been in touch. So I stirred up a problem for him with all three of his main girls (me included) so I'm sure he resents me. As he said he can never trust me again. The ex and the stalker were in touch alot two years ago when the ex caught him out cheating and lying with her. Ofcourse his version is very different to theirs. But he's just unable to stop lying and using people. I can't believe after all he put the stalker through (she left her hubby as she promised her a life together,) they still have contact on and off. He's broken her into pieces.

It's an absolute mess but I hope I can find the strength to move on and get over it.

It does help to keep busy. I watched a documentary on Tele Saturday and got two hours My mind was on something else and I could feel myself relaxing as I was focusing on something else. But he soon takes over my mind. I wake up and within s minute he's in my head.

You are so lucky op. For so many reasons. I'm in a ltr with a narc now and have been for 20 years. The mixed signals have not gone been here since the day I met him. He hasn't told me he loves me since before I moved In although he tells other women he loves them. I'm always shattered and suffer psychosis and anxiety. He believes he saved me as I was in a abusive relationship before him. Everything I've seen and heard he says it's all in my head. I have spoke to my doctor and she hears me and believes me. He randomly goes out don't know where he is and so protective with his phone. He has a friend group and I'm not known. He always says negative things to me daily like I'm a bad mum and partner and don't look after anyone properly. All my dcs are good with me they are polite and kind and says he is grumpy. Its like I'm living with a stranger. He is emotionally distant and expects me to always make the first move and I can't anymore as he always made me feel so good and now it's the equal opposite.

Stay away from him op. Here me and anyone else who knows. I know it's hard but as you don't live with him you can do it. He is a mentally dangerous man and should be avoided like covid. Or the plague. Please op for your own mh stay away.

Gosh 20 years of your life. I'm so sorry. I'm so sad that you haven't been able to see your worth and escape but I so get why! It's the hardest thing to explain to someone that hasn't been there. It's like you are stuck in a web.

I thought this guy's late forties. He tried to end his life. He's trying to start again. How lucky am I that he's choosen to open up to me. How lucky that he said I was one of the reasons he keeps living now. No wonder I'm damaged! I believed I was a big part of his recovery. I wasn't trying to fix him because at the start he seemed strong and charming. But he soon started making it about him and his struggles.

I wish I could understand the point. Why he had to waste my time. I'm not saying I'm anything special. But I am an ok looking person. Not gorgeous but I put effort into my appreance. I'm kind and honest and loyal. Yet I still wasn't enough.

I hope he runs out of options but I'm sure there are a never ending supply of women out there.

I keep going. Just trying to enjoy my days again without him. Even though it's basically been 5 weeks I think that couple of days he returned slowed me back down.

I've had Alot of stories from the stalker too. So I'm piecing together alot of her stuff too. What he's done to her is criminal really. There should be a punishment for messing with people's lives like he did.

I would love to speak to his ex. But I know she won't talk because she's still his "friend," but I know she's been through hell.

It's all over the place op. One minute I hate his guts and think I'm so over this, fuck him whatever! Then he's saying things like I'm so sorry I've been shit lately but I want you to know I love you and you mean everything.
It was his grandads funeral this morning, I text first thing asking what time, I hope it all goes well, I know how sad it is and I found my nans difficult. I said I hope covid restrictions don't get in the way. He ignored everything I said apart from the last bit and basically said nah fuck that any copper's turn up I will kick off. No thanks or telling me when it is. He never answers a question. Goes round the houses, never asks how I am just an after thought like on the phone so how are you, what you doing. Not genuine interest. I've tried to be supportive to him when he was worried about work, money etc but I'm just someone he moans at. Unfortunately that's what many narcs do. When his grandad was ill he just switched his phone off one evening and didn't text me until lunch time. If he said I'm sorry babe I'm struggling I need to switch phone off, I'll be in touch but no just shut me out.
Energy vampires they are, nothing else.

This sounds EXHAUSTING. Not quite the same, but I have gone NC with a Narc sibling. The relief from the endless drama is amazing.
There are around 3 billion men on the planet. Just let this one jog on, he sounds batshit. You don't need the drama and neither do your kids. A Partner should enhance your life and bring you joy. Not this drama. And at 49, he's never going to change!

Words are cheap . Anyone can say they love you. He has shown he likes to play the field so hopefully soon you will realise that instead of internalising it the you were not enough

'Energy Vampires' is correct.
It is ALL you need to know.
They will suck you, and anyone else, often concurrently, dry.
And move on, without a backward glance.
It's not you, it's them.
The only way is NC but yes it is very hard with a Narc.
But perhaps even more important / life saving to do!
Wishing you luck.x

Thank you everyone. It's certainly hard and having people to message keeps me strong so your reminders and experiences really do help me get through abit further.

I do feel alot of freedom from not having him in my life anymore. He consumed every hour. I used to wake up in the night and his green light was on facebook chat. I would wonder if he was talking to others. Then I could not sleep. I felt I was going mad trying to figure out who the other women were. We're they a threat to me? But now I see it's not them.

@thecatsarecrazy
Oh god that's such a rude reply. Mines a little different as he did ask how I was. He did like to know what I had planned. But he much preferred to talk about you. mine was very insecure and used to put down my cousins and stuff that worked in the same work as him. He clearly felt insecure. His cousin had a serious medical problem a couple of years ago and he slags her off for attention seeking on Facebook. Yet he loves to tell people he's 10 months sober or whatever. Then he gets aload of women from his school days and a men saying how proud they are of him.

You'd think by now people who know him from 30 years ago would know how he is!

It feels like such a rollercoaster doesn't it. Like mine would say I was the ,8th wonder of the world. Or your absolutely gorgeous. Or I'm so lucky you are mine. I'm going to show you how much I love you by making you feel confident in everyway. Then he would say I wanna start sending you money so you can save it for our future. Loads of stuff! He was so convincing. I do think a part of him was trying to be good and try and make something work but he only lasted a few months then craved validation from others.

To him it's definitely about getting that attention from someone else. His ex was the best part of ten years younger. She's attractive. Owns her own home and works. But she was not enough for him to stay faithful. This is why I don't know how much of a narc he is. Because he is not over her. Not like the rest of us. He's really not over her. I think he needed her more than he realised. I know she bailed him out with money etc. But despite them splitting two years ago they are very much in contact. Not together. But it's like they both cling to eachother for s strange reason. He used to deny it to me that he had feelings for her whilst pictures of her were above his bed. It's honestly so messed up.

I am trying so hard to move forward and I've let go of the idea of us having a decent future. But I'm struggling to say goodbye. It's like I need to grieve for the early months when he felt like he came into my life so perfectly. I literally was feeling like he was the one as I had never felt such a deep love for someone before. None of my exes. Not even my children's dad. It was like I had always settled but with him it was so intense and I wanted him so badly. He was like a drug from the start. I'm not sure how much of this was his fault. I think the attention he gave me before we swapped details was just genuine cheeky friendly banter. He would always say good morning and stuff. Just seemed a gentleman. When he told me he always thought I was beautiful I felt like it was confirming all my feelings were real.

Sorry I'm waffling. Xx

@Melonsmelonspears Telling you that they made an attempt at suicide early on is also a huge red flag. Not because they tried to commit suicide but they are exploiting your empathy and making you less likely to abandon them. I got this with the narc when I tried to set a boundary and distance myself from them.

Your narc is triangulating with his exes. His ex is still his "friend" because she is trauma bonded to him so will be loyal to him and not want to talk to you. I tried to stay friends with the narc too, which in hindsight was really cruel of me since it was only giving him hope. However, the narcs are loyal to no one and exploit others for their own gain.

It is not about you, so don't beat yourself up for not being enough. You are one of many supply, because they cannot be satiated. Absolutely nothing will make the narcissist happy unless it's seeing you in pain.

Steer clear from this person and be thankful that you are now armed with the information to avoid similar situation in the future.

Thats how they get you op. That early love bombing. I'm grieving something that was never there to start with. I will add an eg of a text he sent early on in our "relationship" now he can't even be arsed to answer a question. He messages every morning and night saying love you. I've noticed lately though that it's not I love you, just love you. That feels different to me

Imagine receiving that, make you all mushy, and butterflies. Now I get accused of chatting up other men and being questioned about everything

The fact that you felt that he did slightly love you more than all the others OP just goes to prove how well and truly he played you. True narcissists aren't capable of love really. So it's one of two options - it was all a lie and he's an A1 narcissist and sociopath...or he's just a dick and a headfuck. Either way, you are out of this now and that's the best place for you. All the drama of other women and triangulation - who needs it. They love it when you bite, but if you grey rock a true narc you'll nevver hear from them again, I promise.

I didn't know about trauma bonding but am going to look that up now? Is she trauma bonded despite the fact she's kicked him out and they've been split two years? Just because it seems she's partly for some control back. Although she was the person he text after he tried to kill himself. She saved his life.

@thecatsarecrazy
Oh I can do relate to that text. That's very similar to what he would send me. I was everything to him. The world. Forever. He even said his dead mum sent me to him like an angel. He soon forgot all that. He told me to ask him about anyone I was unsure of on his Facebook and the first time I did it we were over. That's how easily he ended it.

I am not sure if he's definitely a narc or if he's just a d head. The only reason I'm thinking narc more than just a d head is because he has a terrible relationship with his ex wife. In the last two years he's lost his long term girlfriend. His dad and his siblings. His kids didn't see him for years and turned up as grown ups at his door a few years ago. One has since become a parent and has in the last 18 months cut him off at some point. He claims to not know why. The younger one has remained in contact but doesn't seem to ever visit him! He saw nobody over Christmas. He literally refused to have any part of it. He mirrored stuff I said sometimes. He would pretend I was really really confusing and tell me I was the only person who made no sense. He would often pretend he couldn't follow things. Often this was when I was bringing something back up and perhaps he had forgotten what he had said. He had many claims like his ex wife's sister coming onto him. His brothers gf came onto him. I've since been told by the stalker he was messaging his exes sister.

I lent him money which he did return. I also sent him gifts. He never took a photo of the gifts or showed me them. I remember once lending him £100 and I sent him over an extra tenner as he was skint and had a bad week. I told him to get a takeaway on me and he told me I was a sweetheart. He never ever got a takeaway that night. That tenner was never mentioned again.

There was so much stuff and although he spent so much time in touch with me he clearly had Alot more going on. I can't imagine he had much time spare for anyone else but I think particularly in later weeks he was slowing his communication down sometimes. Perhaps he was busy with someone else!

@catsarecrazy.

What stage are you at now? When did you meet? Is he older? What's his relationship like with his family? If you need to talk to me anymore to end it I can be here to cheer you on. I really can relate x

I am signing with sadness for you, because I fear you’re hoping he’ll be back. I am hoping with every fibre of my being on your behalf that he will not. But the likelihood is that he will. I am 72 hours out of my narc hell. I had been with him for 9 years. The cycle was pretty classic. I would like to stress here that I’m no dummy, but I was in retrospect incredibly vulnerable. I was in a stable but DULL marriage, no sex for years you know the drill. I met this guy and I KNEW on the first date that he was ‘off’ but he was so hot and (I’m shaking my head even as I type this) I thought I could handle him. He was beautiful, witty, charming, staggeringly intelligent, successful and urbane. I could discuss art with him, and music, it was amazing. The sex was crazy good and he completely love-bombed me. I had no idea that it was even a thing. I was enchanted. He turned out to be an alcoholic, drug addict and sex addict. He’s also a sexual deviant. I have been through hell with him, I don’t say that lightly. He has had countless ‘arrangements’ and has left me a dozen times. Each time he is BROKEN! Full of remorse and SAVE ME, I WILL BE BETTER. I took him back to literally have, by the end, a week of ‘good’ behaviour before it would all start again. I couldn’t go to a restaurant without him pondering if the waitress was a good fuck. Every woman on TV commented on. I love women! He’d say. I challenged him more and more which is why my cycle is now broken. He leaves me in the shit every time he goes. He knows it too. He does not care, or connect, to anyone. And nor does ‘Dave’. You’re addicted. Do yourself a favour, stop monitoring him in any way whatsoever and build your defences. Stay. Away. He will destroy you.

It's an awful feeling OP.
I was in my first narc relationship for 20 years came out of it and walked straight into another one. That one only lasted a year but it completely tore me apart. I was so angry with myself that I 'fell for it' again!
I was just grateful I didn't waste as much time.
It completely knocks your confidence but you just need to stay strong. One day at a time.
Unless you've had the experience you don't understand, people will tell you to 'get over it' or 'move on' but it doesn't work like that under these circumstances.

I obviously don't know if this is your thing or not, but there is a psychologist called Dr Ramani on youtube who talks a lot about narcissism in her videos. I found them really useful to listen to.

Give yourself time, therapy, and whatever else you need to process this.