Putting my happiness before my children’s? No abuse

[grease212]

We have two very young children. There is no abuse but I really really dislike my husband. He doesn’t cook or clean, watches a lot of porn and spends a vast amount of time on his phone especially on WhatsApp receiving inappropriate pictures and videos of women from his male friends in group chats. He’s not the most hands on father but as they get older he does contribute more. He is sometimes cold in nature and can bring a negative atmosphere to the house which I hate. I have emotionally checked out and I do not share my thoughts or feelings with him nor do I want to. We just have somewhat pleasant conversation about trivial things or things related to the children. We go on holidays and days out with the kids which is quite nice and I do find him to be very funny too. He does work very hard at his job and has a good work ethic but I am financially independent anyway. If I were to leave I wouldn’t want another relationship, I am content on my own.

I have become a shell of my former self since being in this marriage. I do barely anything for myself, it is all for the children and the household. I’ve lost my confidence and drifted from friends because I’ve been so emotionally tired and drained from the marriage. I do wonder if I started taking care of me for once, that perhaps the marriage wouldn’t seem so bad? I know that if I left him I would change a hundred things about my life, so I’m not sure why I don’t just do that now?

I dream of living without him and having my own home full of peace and little things bringing me joy, but it’s not just about me and it would absolutely kill me not to have the kids full time. I think I can get myself to a place of being at peace with us living alongside each other kind of like flat mates with raising the children being our priority. But I think I would always feel a sadness at not living my life how I truly want to. But I think that me leaving him is more what is best for me and not what is best for the children. I feel a huge responsibility for bringing them into this world and doing what is best for them. Perhaps my life will always have that tinge of sadness and life is rarely perfect and we often suffer one way or another?

This could have been the house I grew up in. Leave him. We used to wish our mother would leave him. Children are aware of atmosphere, you know. They may not understand the complexities of adult lives but they sense the nuances.

Yes I believe you should leave. Why would you suffer an existence rather than having a life.

Your children will be fine. Although they are very young just now they will eventually pick up on your sadness.

Live you life for you... otherwise in 10/15/20 years you’ll wake up, they will have flown the nest and you’ll realise you wasted the beat years of your life.

I was reading your post waiting to find the bit you were putting yourself before your children but there's nothing there I assure you by separating and becoming a happier person, this will have a positive impact to your dc and set a really good example.

It sounds like your children would be better off if you split up otherwise they will group up thinking your relationship with your husband is normal or good enough.

You only have one life and this is no way to live it .

Leave.

@Hercules12

I was reading your post waiting to find the bit you were putting yourself before your children but there's nothing there I assure you by separating and becoming a happier person, this will have a positive impact to your dc and set a really good example.

It's the part where I've read countless studies on the impact of divorce on children which continues on into adulthood, and they say that providing there is no abuse, it is recommended to stay together. I think I'm probably ok with sacrificing my happiness for theirs.

I left, but only after 30 years when the youngest DC was 18. Should have done it before, but the emotional tiredness you describe meant the thought of doing something about it was far too difficult.

However, almost as soon as I moved out, the depression lifted, and I was able to find me again (under the extra weight and lack of self care). I'm still (comparatively) young, and have lots of life still to live, I'm glad I have that opportunity. I don't do regrets, but I do sometimes wonder what things would have been like if I'd done something about my happiness earlier.

What do you get out of your relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this the sort of a relationship you would want for them as adults, no. Its not good enough for you either.

Do not get bogged down by thinking about or otherwise dwelling on sunk costs. Do not do your bit here to further teach your children that an awful marriage like described could become their "norm" too. Staying for really what is the sake of the kids does not work and its also a terribly heavy burden to place upon children. They know far more than given credit for. They certainly won't say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him if you were to choose to; they could well call you daft for staying as well as putting him before them.

The two DC who saw the most of the issues towards the end of my marriage have agreed that maybe I should have left earlier btw, they appreciate that they had a lot of material stuff throughout their time at home which they probably wouldn't have had if I'd've left when they were younger, but even so, they've also thought about what it might have been like with a happier mother.

"I think I'm probably ok with sacrificing my happiness for theirs".

Really?. I think you are kidding yourself.

Your children won't be happy; all that will further do is make your children feel responsible for your happiness. Staying for their sake does not work. There are many now adults who dearly wish their parents had separated but instead hung on for the sake of the children; its a poor relationship decision.

It's very easy for posters to say leave when you're an anonymous person on the Internet and they themselves don't have to deal with any of the consequences on you or the kids. I'm a child of divorce myself and my mother was in an atrocious marriage, much worse than what you are describing. The divorce still permanently changed us and still affects us as kids in adulthood having to deal with divorced parents even though they're on better terms now.

@grease212 have you tried counselling e.g. through Marriage Care? I wouldn't give up on the potential for the marriage to be turned around. The key issue appears to be his pornography addiction.

Are you really afraid to move on with your life and take your own responsibility for happiness?.

Financial concerns or the fear of being alone often motivate such paralysis, hidden beneath the mask of staying together for the children. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Leave him and live your life. You said yourself he is draining you. He sounds horrible.
Apart from that I do understand not wanting to be away from your kids but everyone will adjust and with any luck he will become a better parent in the process as he won't have you there when he is looking after them and he will need to make more effort.
You deserve happiness. Go when you are ready. Been there and got the got tee-shirt

@MyVisionsComeFromSoup

I left, but only after 30 years when the youngest DC was 18. Should have done it before, but the emotional tiredness you describe meant the thought of doing something about it was far too difficult.

However, almost as soon as I moved out, the depression lifted, and I was able to find me again (under the extra weight and lack of self care). I'm still (comparatively) young, and have lots of life still to live, I'm glad I have that opportunity. I don't do regrets, but I do sometimes wonder what things would have been like if I'd done something about my happiness earlier.

I'm late thirties so would not have time on my side if I waited. Just out of interest, how did you children react when you did divorce as they were significantly older at this point?

His porn habit is only part of the overall problem in your marriage given what else you write about him.

"There is no abuse but I really really dislike my husband. He doesn’t cook or clean, watches a lot of porn and spends a vast amount of time on his phone especially on WhatsApp receiving inappropriate pictures and videos of women from his male friends in group chats. He’s not the most hands on father but as they get older he does contribute more. He is sometimes cold in nature and can bring a negative atmosphere to the house which I hate. I have emotionally checked out and I do not share my thoughts or feelings with him nor do I want to".

Both you and your H need to take a good long hard look at what your children are learning about relationships here because this is really NO model to be showing them to potentially repeat themselves as adults.

Think far more about all the effects your marriage is having on them rather than your own selves. This suits your H down to the ground and this works for him too.

Divorce is not failure here, living in such unhappiness is.

The impact of living in a dysfunctional/unhappy household is far more damaging to children's development and future happiness than a well managed, amicable separation.

@LivBa

It's very easy for posters to say leave when you're an anonymous person on the Internet and they themselves don't have to deal with any of the consequences on you or the kids. I'm a child of divorce myself and my mother was in an atrocious marriage, much worse than what you are describing. The divorce still permanently changed us and still affects us as kids in adulthood having to deal with divorced parents even though they're on better terms now.

@grease212 have you tried counselling e.g. through Marriage Care? I wouldn't give up on the potential for the marriage to be turned around. The key issue appears to be his pornography addiction.

Thank you very much for this perspective. I do witness on this forum LTB very often and there can be huge ramifications for this, especially for the children. Your post has inspired me to consider working on the marriage. I really don't want my children to suffer the consequences of me divorcing because I want my own home

@JustThatTimeOfLife

The impact of living in a dysfunctional/unhappy household is far more damaging to children's development and future happiness than a well managed, amicable separation.

This is the thing.. I don't know that our household is really all that unhappy/dysfunctional? Yes I'm unhappy with my marriage but that doesn't majorly affect our parenting?

There are also huge ramifications and consequences for children who grow up in a house where they don't learn about healthy relationships and don't see their parents living happy, fulfilled lives.

There was no quantifiable abuse in our house either and my parents stayed together for similar reasons to your own, but it has affected my brother and I dreadfully. We would have been far better off if they'd been realistic.

Obviously others can say the opposite too but in the end you've got to weigh up the different elements. Splitting up could hurt your children, so could staying together.

"This is the thing.. I don't know that our household is really all that unhappy/dysfunctional? Yes I'm unhappy with my marriage but that doesn't majorly affect our parenting?"

It does. You may not realise it but it definitely does.

You need to leave you are not selfish your kids are only young they will be absolutely fine it will be harder to leave when they get older. You only have one life please don't spend it unhappy your kids will know no matter how hard you try not to let them see and this is the relationship model you are showing them for their future relationships which isn't good

Why would you even bother trying counselling with a man who watches loads of porn and enjoys sharing filth with his mates ? You are irritated people are saying ltb but that is most people's honest opinion on what they would do which is what you asked for
You would be doing yourself and your kids to separate

My children were both happier after my exh and I separated.

I would have been happier had my parents separated too. I was 17 when they did and felt palpable relief when my dad came into my bedroom one night to tell he was moving out.

Both of my parents were happier after the separation and my relationship with my dad improved significantly.