Putting my happiness before my children’s? No abuse

[grease212]

We have two very young children. There is no abuse but I really really dislike my husband. He doesn’t cook or clean, watches a lot of porn and spends a vast amount of time on his phone especially on WhatsApp receiving inappropriate pictures and videos of women from his male friends in group chats. He’s not the most hands on father but as they get older he does contribute more. He is sometimes cold in nature and can bring a negative atmosphere to the house which I hate. I have emotionally checked out and I do not share my thoughts or feelings with him nor do I want to. We just have somewhat pleasant conversation about trivial things or things related to the children. We go on holidays and days out with the kids which is quite nice and I do find him to be very funny too. He does work very hard at his job and has a good work ethic but I am financially independent anyway. If I were to leave I wouldn’t want another relationship, I am content on my own.

I have become a shell of my former self since being in this marriage. I do barely anything for myself, it is all for the children and the household. I’ve lost my confidence and drifted from friends because I’ve been so emotionally tired and drained from the marriage. I do wonder if I started taking care of me for once, that perhaps the marriage wouldn’t seem so bad? I know that if I left him I would change a hundred things about my life, so I’m not sure why I don’t just do that now?

I dream of living without him and having my own home full of peace and little things bringing me joy, but it’s not just about me and it would absolutely kill me not to have the kids full time. I think I can get myself to a place of being at peace with us living alongside each other kind of like flat mates with raising the children being our priority. But I think I would always feel a sadness at not living my life how I truly want to. But I think that me leaving him is more what is best for me and not what is best for the children. I feel a huge responsibility for bringing them into this world and doing what is best for them. Perhaps my life will always have that tinge of sadness and life is rarely perfect and we often suffer one way or another?

I'm late thirties so would not have time on my side if I waited. Just out of interest, how did you children react when you did divorce as they were significantly older at this point?

Not yet divorced, but that will happen next year I think. The younger two are happy that I'm happier, they're pleased their DF and I are talking to each other rather than bickering and arguing, and I'm doing as much as I can to facilitate their relationships with their DF (so being the bigger person re bank holiday weekend visits etc).

But, as only DC3 is at home (with me) atm, the older DC have their own lives, and it's less of a big deal for them now I think. OTOH, I can see that they have perhaps not the healthiest relationships/responses to relationship conflicts, and that is a lot down to my modelling of relationships.

"Staying for the kids" is sometimes the easiest option (a lot of why I stayed was because of money being totally honest), but not to the detriment of your own mental (and in my case physical) health. My chronic pain is so much better now I'm not depressed and permanently stressed out, and being in less pain means I can do more exercise, which in turn reduces the pain levels.

I'm at a different life stage to you though, and once the DC are older and are pulling away from you generally, it's a bit easier to see through the fog, and properly look at what your life is like day to day, and think about what you might be able to do to improve it. For me, I had to get away, I didn't like where we lived, didn't feel I fitted in, and there wasn't the opportunity to do things I wanted to do (for eg, I'm planning a uni degree, which I couldn't have done where we lived, unless I went for the OU option). For you OP, it may be you can make changes and stay in your marriage and be happy.

One of my friends was in a similar marriage to you @grease212. She waited until her DC were older teens to end the marriage because she thought that was the right thing to do. Her youngest child told her ‘Mum, you should have done it 10 years ago!’

OP my ex H's parents had a marriage which sounds rather like you describe yours. Cordial in the main, holidays and good times but... both he and his dear sil were and are acutely conscious of the deficits in the marriage, both have suffered from what they learnt growing up in that atmosphere of vague dissatisfaction (and there will be one, however contained you think you each are) and how they wish their parents had amicably separated years ago. It may or may not be right for you but just because you're not outwardly dysfunctional or rowing, don't assume your children aren't impacted by the dislike and the negative atmosphere and everything else you're describing...

And *my dear SIL. She survived our divorce, even though ex Dh didn't ;-)

You seem to be having a bit of a fantasy about a peaceful, ordered life doing what you want and when you want. However this is not what life will be like. You will still have children and a job and trying to juggle this alone is not the peaceful life you want. It sounds even harder work. I suspect if you lived this life for a few weeks the novelty would wear off.

Have you thought about the reality of splitting up? If it's just to be away from your H then I would do it as he sounds awful, however if it's for a dream life of peace then I would look at other options.

A child's major role models are its parents. That goes for manners, habits, chore-doing, house maintenance, personal care, employment, hobbies and fitness, family relationships, and ...

marital relationships.

I think making the most of your life - make more friends, work towards a satisfying and well rewarded job, be the best model of a happy person living a good life that you can be - is the way to go. Model the life that you want your kids to have.

Crucially the more people you know, the wider perspective you'll get on your own relationship and life.

My parents divorced when I was seven. I was very upset at that time and didn't understand why it had to happen. However, as time went on I could not have been more thrilled that they separated. They both went on to have happy lives and I had a very happy childhood, including time spent with both of them.

We now have family holidays together (me and my DH, our kids and both my parents), and the two get along well. That would never have happened had they stayed together, but they 'faked it till they make(d) it' as friends when they divorced and it was the best thing for everyone in my family.

Please, please don't stay together for the children. You are not helping them.