Mil expectations for visits? I feel both guilty and annoyed

[Sophie1029734]

I'm not gonna get in to the back story as itd a be a long post, but were a 3 min walk from each other. When baby was born for months and months wed get visited atleast 5 times a week with up to 10 calls a day. Lots of annoying "advice". This died down due to covid and I think she relised that I hated the comments as I would shut them down. At this time I felt smothered and in competition.

Currently I see mil fridays and once or twice between monday an and Thursday, sometimes it can be just the friday. These visits only last up to 1h 30 mins as she comes after work and cant stay.
I love seeing mil so I honestly dont mind these visits but partner finishes work at the same time and her visits go in to our time. LO sleeps 2 hours after he finishes so it really does take away time we can spend together with LO. it can be a bit annoying but over all I like the visits and I love her.

On both saturdays and sundays I always get a message asking of I'm comeing round as itd be lovley to see us. I usually visit on both days but the past month ive been trying to break this routine. I wont leave LO with her yet as 6 people live there, due to covid she is only used to mil and shuts down, becomes very quiet and upset around the others. Im not happy leaving her till she is actually ready,
So until LO is ready I wont be. I left LO with mil a couple times, she said she would bring lo back if she was upset.. she didnt. I found out by another person living there that she was awful. I let mil take lo for walks. I know she wants to spend time with LO but I just feel like she is expecting too much off me to see me both sat and sunday. She came round yesterday for about 2 hours and asked me later on if I'm coneing round.. I said no, i felt tired. Partner had been working on garden all day and wanted to spend that time with him. Tbh I also just want to break the expectations and make her know that I have my own life and that I'm not available to her whenever she expects me to be.
When I said no she asked me if I'm comeing round tommorow? And followed up with a message asking to take LO for a walk. I'm all for that but partner said yes to going on a walk together, takeing picnic and so on. I had to say no because we had plans. I could tell she was upset.

Somce haveing LO I've had a weird vibe with MIl. It's not like she wants to nan, it's as if she wants to mum. She used to say how much she has always wanted a little girl
, went to see a fortune teller who said she would get one through a dil. She mentioned this multiple times.
She sees being a nan as a co parenting role and I've had family members say to me how she wants to have Lo for nights, asking me if I've even seen her recently as if I havnt just seen her yesterday. I know for a fact mil has talked to my partner about it.. hes on her side. I mentioned that im gonna go for a walk and hed reply with, so you going my mums? Not as a question but a request. Telling me i should give lo with mil.
I feel like I'm fighting against everyone, like im trapped in these expectations. Like I'm constantly trying to stand my ground but I'm being seen as the physco, controlling mum who restricts the nan from seeing grand daughter. It's like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to dedicate every weekend to visiting. It sends me down a guilt cycle, i feel horrible. I question weather I am being controlling, then some days I know I'm not. I'm currently in this feeling of guilt as today she wanted to take LO for a walk . And yes I love my mil very much, she is like a secound mum but I cant help but want space from her. She smothers me more than my family have ever done.

I don't even know what mil is saying to family members or my partner because I dont know what there is to say? I dont blow what she wants from me? I know she wants nights, atleast 2 days with baby but after the million convos I've ahd telling her that she to Lockdown lo isnt ready to he thrown in to a house with tons of people.. yet. But Its like i always the bad guy restricting the grandparents but she sees us so often. I'm starting to resent her because I dont know what more she wants from me

Sorry for the bad grammar.

Can't your partner take her around to MIL instead? I would be having firm boundaries and only send her overnight when you are happy to. For me that would be when she can talk fairly fluently, is old enough to tell MIL what she wants and tell you if she is not happy. I realise though that everyone is different on that decision.

I think you need to work out what you find acceptable first, ie the number of times MIL sees you both and I totally get the too many people at her house bit. So write it down, she needs to understand she is encroaching on your family time with your partner and child too.

Your partner needs to put your interests first, not his Mother's. Your feelings are completely normal and rational especially given the whole a psychic told me I would have a daughter. It is beyond strange.

Once you have worked out what and when you want then that is what you lay down with your MIL. To be fair she is asking a lot. Does she have a partner? You might also want to google "flying monkeys" in relation to others passing on messages. Also this post possibly falls under the "relationships" board, but you are not alone in your experience of this. It is time for firm boundaries with both your partner and MIL.

You can report your own post to MN and ask for it to be moved if you wish.

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year. Lo is 13months, we still co sleep and I breastfeed her to sleep. Over nights arnt practical yet so was thinking the same, maybe when she can talk and understand what's going on. I was starting to hand her over for a couple hours until I relised how bad lo actually was with them, now I'm going to wait it out till she has grown more comfortable with everyone. Maybe she wants more 1 on 1 time but she will have that again. I am open to her and hear her wants as a nan, that's why I visit so frequently and open to her visits but the pressure is becoming a bit overbearing

How old is your baby?

Can’t you and your partner have a grown up chat with her?

‘MIL, I know you are dropping hints to have her on your own, but you knew my one and only request was that you brought her back to me if she got upset, and you didn’t. So after that happening, it’s been hard to commit to leaving her alone with you.
It would be great if we can build to that, but we need to build trust first.
It’s going to be easier to do that if we have a schedule of visits once a week, so I know I can get on with what I need to do each week without getting lots of requests for meeting up. It makes it very hard for me to plan my week and frankly it’s stressing me out.

So let’s aim for once/twice a week for the next few weeks and see how that goes for us all, then we can review it again’

He only visits 3 times a year and you live so close. He expects you to do all the visiting. How often did you visit before having the baby?

My MIL is very similar, keeps going on about who she’s always wanted another girl as well, constantly pushing for overnights and seeing my LO more often etc. I also find it so suffocating.

She was in our house morning, noon and night when my LO was born and I couldn’t cope at all. I’m very independent and wanted to get into my own routine with my LO.

Now, my DP takes my DD to see MIL every Saturday for the day and I get a day to myself. It’s working really well. Would you do something like that?

I had to put my foot down and tell my DP that there are few people in the world I want to see more than once a week, my own family included, so I would only be up for his parents visiting or us visiting them once a week. I also said that DD has lots of doting grandparents who are all eager to see her (post covid) so we will have to fit their visits in as well so once a week all day Saturday with his MIL is more than reasonable. He wasn’t happy initially but it’s working really well. I also try to make sure I have lots of plans everyday so that if they try to spring a surprise visit, I’m off out the door already. I know there’s not much you can do at the moment but I usually have a new walk I want to do sometimes with a friend (who may not exist )

Every time your DH asks you if you’re off to his mother’s, ask him how he’d feel if you expected him to hang out with your mother all week. I feel your pain!

How often do you get to see your own family? Assume they don’t live so close.

Whose choice was it to live so close to your MIL?

Time to put your foot down. This is ridiculous and sounds suffocating. You're expected to jump when MiL snaps her fingers!

Arrange to see her once a week. No more calling 10 times a day, let her call DH. This needs to become his problem. Turn it on him, drop the rope. Quit the game.

Definitely time for DH to feel the squeeze here.

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me.

You hold all the power. He’s being a lazy shitebag and expecting you to do the “wifework” and facilitate contact with HIS mother. Fuck that.

Pull your big girl pants on and start saying no.

Female socialisation is really hard to overcome I know. The guilt that you should e doing this. Notice he doesn’t seem to feel the guilt?

Are you married?

Love that phrase @WildfirePonie “drop the rope” it’s exactly what you need to do.

She sees you often, much more often than I would be happy with with mine.

Playing/being the bad guy can be liberating. Getting to the point where you don't care what other people on the fringes think because you KNOW you are not being unreasonable is hard, but once you get there it feels good and actually means you see MIL for more "quality" time rather than just resenting the number of times you feel you have to go round/have her there.

It does sound a little smothering. I agree it's your DH who needs to be taking the lead here managing his mums expectations and you should also have time to do other things with your baby. I'd make some plans with others or just you and the baby too for some balance.

Before the baby we actually lived with them, moved out 2 days before she was born. Thats when the house we bought became liveable. Even then though, he would go straight to his room and no one saw much of him. It's as if his family know theres no hope in going through him so it's always through me. He likes his space, but I'm introverted and too much interaction with people other than my partner drains the life from me. We are alike in that way, but as I'm nice I feel like I have to up held his family relationships for him. He doesnt listen to me when I mention it to him, he switches off. I wish I could enjoy a weekend day whilst he took lo round but itd never happen 😭 yea mil isnt the only person I visit and now things are lifted, itll feel like my entire week is dedicated to visits 😫

Just mirror his behaviour job done

This is ridiculous. He visits THREE times a year and you’re tying yourself in knots visiting multiple times a week. When do your family get a look in?

You need to assert yourself here. Encourage (tell) your DH that he needs to get involved with family visits and stop leaving it all to you. You say you like your MiL but you soon won’t if this continues as you’ll be sick of the sight of her.

Start now. Change your mindset. DO NOT look back in 5 years time and wish you’d done it.

Be selfish. Do something you want to do. These people do not care about you, you’re simply facilitating access to your daughter for them.

A bit blunt but you need to get a back bone and put your foot down.

Write down what you want and how often.
Tell your Dp your plan, tell mil.
If neither like it, tough luck.

Maybe your Dp can stop being a bit of an arse and also take your child around once a week alone.

As for overnight staying and pushy comments, Dont respond anything 'No' or just ignore.

That’s bonkers that he sees her three times a year yet she expects you to see her so much!

What are your plans for today? Are you planning on visiting MiL?
What is DH doing today? Whatever the hell he pleases no doubt. Don't you just want to switch your phone off, chain the door and chill out with lo? Please yourself, because DH and MiL only please themselves with no thought or care about you.

This time goes so quickly OP... decide what works for you and get it booked in. Make yourself unavailable at other times... now things are opening up you have many more excuses! Don’t look back at this time and wish you’d done things differently. Good luck!

@Sexnotgender

Love that phrase *@WildfirePonie* “drop the rope” it’s exactly what you need to do.

I love it too. I took it from another poster/thread.

Do it OP. Get YOUR life back.

Some of your comments really made me see things in a different light. Ive never seen it as mil and partner were being selfish on me but I was being selfish for not wanting to go round. Considering I'm the only one they place expectations on and dont care about my day or weather I even want to go, with Mil telling others that i restrict her from being a nan, makeing out to people that we barely see each other when I make the effort to visit every week.. damn, I didnt look at it like this way but shes kinda a b!tch :/
I was sat here feeling guilty for saying no to mil takeing LO out because I had plans, but now i dont feel guilty anymore