Mil expectations for visits? I feel both guilty and annoyed

[Sophie1029734]

I'm not gonna get in to the back story as itd a be a long post, but were a 3 min walk from each other. When baby was born for months and months wed get visited atleast 5 times a week with up to 10 calls a day. Lots of annoying "advice". This died down due to covid and I think she relised that I hated the comments as I would shut them down. At this time I felt smothered and in competition.

Currently I see mil fridays and once or twice between monday an and Thursday, sometimes it can be just the friday. These visits only last up to 1h 30 mins as she comes after work and cant stay.
I love seeing mil so I honestly dont mind these visits but partner finishes work at the same time and her visits go in to our time. LO sleeps 2 hours after he finishes so it really does take away time we can spend together with LO. it can be a bit annoying but over all I like the visits and I love her.

On both saturdays and sundays I always get a message asking of I'm comeing round as itd be lovley to see us. I usually visit on both days but the past month ive been trying to break this routine. I wont leave LO with her yet as 6 people live there, due to covid she is only used to mil and shuts down, becomes very quiet and upset around the others. Im not happy leaving her till she is actually ready,
So until LO is ready I wont be. I left LO with mil a couple times, she said she would bring lo back if she was upset.. she didnt. I found out by another person living there that she was awful. I let mil take lo for walks. I know she wants to spend time with LO but I just feel like she is expecting too much off me to see me both sat and sunday. She came round yesterday for about 2 hours and asked me later on if I'm coneing round.. I said no, i felt tired. Partner had been working on garden all day and wanted to spend that time with him. Tbh I also just want to break the expectations and make her know that I have my own life and that I'm not available to her whenever she expects me to be.
When I said no she asked me if I'm comeing round tommorow? And followed up with a message asking to take LO for a walk. I'm all for that but partner said yes to going on a walk together, takeing picnic and so on. I had to say no because we had plans. I could tell she was upset.

Somce haveing LO I've had a weird vibe with MIl. It's not like she wants to nan, it's as if she wants to mum. She used to say how much she has always wanted a little girl
, went to see a fortune teller who said she would get one through a dil. She mentioned this multiple times.
She sees being a nan as a co parenting role and I've had family members say to me how she wants to have Lo for nights, asking me if I've even seen her recently as if I havnt just seen her yesterday. I know for a fact mil has talked to my partner about it.. hes on her side. I mentioned that im gonna go for a walk and hed reply with, so you going my mums? Not as a question but a request. Telling me i should give lo with mil.
I feel like I'm fighting against everyone, like im trapped in these expectations. Like I'm constantly trying to stand my ground but I'm being seen as the physco, controlling mum who restricts the nan from seeing grand daughter. It's like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to dedicate every weekend to visiting. It sends me down a guilt cycle, i feel horrible. I question weather I am being controlling, then some days I know I'm not. I'm currently in this feeling of guilt as today she wanted to take LO for a walk . And yes I love my mil very much, she is like a secound mum but I cant help but want space from her. She smothers me more than my family have ever done.

@LivBa

Sounds like she needs therapy to get over the daughter she never had.

You've done well to accommodate her building a relationship with her grandchild as MILS can often get sidelined but you have to have boundaries too so don't feel guilty about this at all. This is previous bonding time for you and baby and if she was empathetic and not just thinking about herself, she would understand this. Sounds like she may also be lonely too so your boyfriend should be visiting her a lot more than just 3 times a year(!!)

I’d be surprised if she was lonely as the OP says 6 people live there.

It all sounds very odd-I’m just amazed it’s gone on for this long whist the OP’s partner gets to just do his own thing!

Update: i said no to going round today because I was busy and had lots to do. I also have a massive headache.

Mil buys something for baby as an excuse to come round. I cant take it, even if I dont go round she comes to me. I feel like I'm going to snap at her as the suffocation and constant visits is just becoming too much to handle. I dont feel well either and she will stay for ages. I'm just gonna go upstairs, put baby for a nap as she is due one after her dinner and sit in the bedroom. I'm takeing control and letting my partner entertain her.

She isnt lonely, she has a very social job and a lot of friends... a lot. And in a 10min radius is her entire family, shes has 6 siblings too.

Good move, Sophie1029734
First step in taking control back

I’d be tempted to move far away!

How often do you see your own family?

You need to give clear firm boundaries. Can you visit x day and x time. Stick to it. If she pops round like when you had a headache, I would answer the door not let her in thank her for thinking of the GC but state you are unwell and rather have nobody call round in the future or please text next time. If she doesn't like it tough it sounds like if you give her an inch she will take a Mile. I think a child really benefits from having a good relationship with grandparents but she has to respect you all have your own family unit now and she is extended family.

From an outsider perspective this is beyond ridiculous. Anyone pushing to get your LO alone when their parents clearly aren’t comfortable with it is waving MASSIVE RED FLAGS, whoever it is. Why does she need your child alone to herself?

Stand your ground and be prepared to do so permanently. Let her know if she continues the pressure you’ll be taking a step back from contact. You may need to have an outright conversation where you tell her you’re feeling smothered and while it’s nice for LO to have grandparents in her life MIL has had her time child rearing and now it’s your turn and her role as a grandparent is very different to that of a parent.

Seriously, fuck this. She sounds manipulative, overbearing and inappropriate. She’s lucky you’ve tolerated her as long as you have.

Good! Well done.

Well done OP!
The first time is the hardest, after that it does get easier.
On a practical note, discreetly set the alarm on your phone for say, 72 minutes ahead, the next time you visit mil. When it goes off, jump up, 'oh my goodness, got to get the dinner on/gah! that's my reminder to Make An Important Phone Call/insert plausible get out excuse
You have been a wonderful DIL, now it is time to put that energy and thoughtfulness into YOURSELF.
xx

@Sophie1029734

Update: i said no to going round today because I was busy and had lots to do. I also have a massive headache.

Mil buys something for baby as an excuse to come round. I cant take it, even if I dont go round she comes to me. I feel like I'm going to snap at her as the suffocation and constant visits is just becoming too much to handle. I dont feel well either and she will stay for ages. I'm just gonna go upstairs, put baby for a nap as she is due one after her dinner and sit in the bedroom. I'm takeing control and letting my partner entertain her.

Have a lie down now while baby is asleep. Don't come down until she's gone. Bet she won't stay long if she's left with your partner though. You need to nip the calling unannounced in the bud too. If she texts you asking to meet or call to her, say 'we are not available today but Dh or I will try to pop in on Friday'. That sends a message that you don't want to see her til Friday, if she calls to your house unannounced tell your partner that he can entertain her as you are off to see a friend, or going upstairs for a lie down with baby - whatever suits. They'll soon get the message that you are not going to drop all whenever she decides to call.

We used to go to in-laws every Sunday for dinner. And I mean every Sunday! Even if we had other stuff on DH would still expect us to go. They would also come to our house every Friday(when DH was working) and I had to entertain them for hours. We saw my family about twice a year even though they only 40 minutes away.
When I finally put my woman pants on and said I wasn't going anymore(or for Xmas either) they stopped speaking to me entirely. Mil died two years and I wasn't invited to the funeral. Oh well😅

This is absolutely ridiculous and I would be having stern words with DH he has basically shifted his responsibility to his family to you as soon kind of wife work and it totally takes the piss!

Hoping yesterday afternoon went well for you. I have a feeling that your DH possibly tried to get you to join the visit from MIL, but I hope you stood your ground. It'll take a while for you both to adjust to a new routine and relationship dynamic.

Instead of going up to lie in the other room LO needed a bath, she just ate dinner. She spilt water all over her, dried food all down her top which soaked the bib and her clothes, did a messy nappy and was getting restless for her nap. Had to get a bath with her instead. When mil came she asked my partner who them asked me if we could come out if we hadn't already gotten in? We were already undressed and I was cleaning LO up. I said I cant, i usually would off shoved my dressing gown on. When partner relised it was just him, he told MIl that hes busy and she may aswell go because LO is in the bath. Mils voice seemed sad. I felt bad. I messaged her and it was how partner talked. It's interesting to see how he reacts when it's just him, bit rude in my opinion..

I'm starting to take control in the relationship too, partner had been on his game for 8 -10 hours

Sorry I didnt wanna go in to the last part, was meant to remove last 2 sentences

Your posts are increasingly revealing about what your partner’s priorities are.

What is your relationship like-are there issues? I think that this is key here.

I'm sad for you Sophie.

Try and observe this as an outsider. Your DH, if he is regularly gaming as much as you inadvertently told us then he is also using you being with his mum to give him gaming time.

It sounds like you have many problems to overcome.

It sounds like your partner needs to grow the hell up and act like an adult. Would he consider speaking to someone to help him face up to his relationship (or lack of) with his mother

Everyone knows about his addiction to gaming but it was getting better. He promised to never play a certain game as his whole persona changed on it. It made him an awful person, arguments left right and centre and I left him for a couple weeks but ultimately had to come back because I couldnt live at my grandparents. Yesterday he started playing it again, I came up to him to ask him if he could make his lunch for work as I was tierd, been at it all day whilst he had been relaxing. Went on mic and said to everyone on mic that his girlfriend is a bitch. He becomes horrible on this game, I'm gonna start speaking to him how he does me, tell him he cant have any free time, that that doesn't deserve it, refuse to do things for him until I feel respected.

Everyone in the family knows about his addiction to gaming and it was honestly getting better until I saw him playing that game again. He became a d!ck again in he matter of an hour. The family just say.. it's his anxiety, he struggles to show emotion. They create every excuse for him because they dont want to believe that maybe hes not a great person. He used to show me all the love and affection, felt amazing with him. 8 months later I cant even recall the last time he called me pretty, held my hand, hugged me.

Ugh the more I say it all out load the more j relise how I deserve more 😫 it's hard when I have no where to go, no money. That LO adores her dad, he adores her. The only person suffering is me.

Thing I have things good, I'm a stay at home and struggle from depersonilsation from trauma since i was 14. He doesnt even care about it tbh, thinks I make it up. But thing is, i really struggle to in a work environment.. I nearly failed college but managed to pull through and pass. I cant go off and make my own money.

So I have it good to live in a house and have that independence with my little girl, never have to struggle with money and worry.

How old are you?

22

Been with him since 19, 8 months after is when things changed and his addiction to games tool over