Mil expectations for visits? I feel both guilty and annoyed

[Sophie1029734]

I'm not gonna get in to the back story as itd a be a long post, but were a 3 min walk from each other. When baby was born for months and months wed get visited atleast 5 times a week with up to 10 calls a day. Lots of annoying "advice". This died down due to covid and I think she relised that I hated the comments as I would shut them down. At this time I felt smothered and in competition.

Currently I see mil fridays and once or twice between monday an and Thursday, sometimes it can be just the friday. These visits only last up to 1h 30 mins as she comes after work and cant stay.
I love seeing mil so I honestly dont mind these visits but partner finishes work at the same time and her visits go in to our time. LO sleeps 2 hours after he finishes so it really does take away time we can spend together with LO. it can be a bit annoying but over all I like the visits and I love her.

On both saturdays and sundays I always get a message asking of I'm comeing round as itd be lovley to see us. I usually visit on both days but the past month ive been trying to break this routine. I wont leave LO with her yet as 6 people live there, due to covid she is only used to mil and shuts down, becomes very quiet and upset around the others. Im not happy leaving her till she is actually ready,
So until LO is ready I wont be. I left LO with mil a couple times, she said she would bring lo back if she was upset.. she didnt. I found out by another person living there that she was awful. I let mil take lo for walks. I know she wants to spend time with LO but I just feel like she is expecting too much off me to see me both sat and sunday. She came round yesterday for about 2 hours and asked me later on if I'm coneing round.. I said no, i felt tired. Partner had been working on garden all day and wanted to spend that time with him. Tbh I also just want to break the expectations and make her know that I have my own life and that I'm not available to her whenever she expects me to be.
When I said no she asked me if I'm comeing round tommorow? And followed up with a message asking to take LO for a walk. I'm all for that but partner said yes to going on a walk together, takeing picnic and so on. I had to say no because we had plans. I could tell she was upset.

Somce haveing LO I've had a weird vibe with MIl. It's not like she wants to nan, it's as if she wants to mum. She used to say how much she has always wanted a little girl
, went to see a fortune teller who said she would get one through a dil. She mentioned this multiple times.
She sees being a nan as a co parenting role and I've had family members say to me how she wants to have Lo for nights, asking me if I've even seen her recently as if I havnt just seen her yesterday. I know for a fact mil has talked to my partner about it.. hes on her side. I mentioned that im gonna go for a walk and hed reply with, so you going my mums? Not as a question but a request. Telling me i should give lo with mil.
I feel like I'm fighting against everyone, like im trapped in these expectations. Like I'm constantly trying to stand my ground but I'm being seen as the physco, controlling mum who restricts the nan from seeing grand daughter. It's like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to dedicate every weekend to visiting. It sends me down a guilt cycle, i feel horrible. I question weather I am being controlling, then some days I know I'm not. I'm currently in this feeling of guilt as today she wanted to take LO for a walk . And yes I love my mil very much, she is like a secound mum but I cant help but want space from her. She smothers me more than my family have ever done.

I know for a fact mil has talked to my partner about it..hes on her side

He agrees with her that YOU should see her all the time, but he doesn’t want to or have to?!

That’s your problem.

She smothers you??

I'd have smothered her long before now!

@Sophie1029734

Some of your comments really made me see things in a different light. Ive never seen it as mil and partner were being selfish on me but I was being selfish for not wanting to go round. Considering I'm the only one they place expectations on and dont care about my day or weather I even want to go, with Mil telling others that i restrict her from being a nan, makeing out to people that we barely see each other when I make the effort to visit every week.. damn, I didnt look at it like this way but shes kinda a b!tch :/ I was sat here feeling guilty for saying no to mil takeing LO out because I had plans, but now i dont feel guilty anymore

Good! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Decide what contact you're happy with and don't budge from that. You're already going to be run ragged with a 13 month old, you don't need the hassle of running around trying to appease your MiL (and anyone else who is making unreasonable demands of you)

As part of being a mother you have to advocate for your child. Think of this young age as being the training for when they reach school age.

First thing you need to say to yourself is ‘do I want to do this?’ If the answer is no, accept that is your decision and don’t fee guilty.

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

Sorry to wheel this old chestnut out but You have a DP problem.
you'll need as much front as Brighton beach to reset this as you have been waaaaay too accommodating.
Time for a reset.

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year.

He doesnt listen to me when I mention it to him, he switches off.

It's as if his family know theres no hope in going through him so it's always through me

You need to make it his problem from today.
Personally I'd use it to create down time for yourself. And i would be redirecting her and him to each other. Every. Time.
At 13 months weekday family time is about you not your child unless you literally do nothing together at weekends. I'd happily sacrifice some of it now so you have something approaching normal in 2 years when it counts.

Mil: can I see GD?
You: yes sure why don't you come at 7 instead of 5.30

Mil: hiiiiiii
Dp: after... hi mum? ? ?
You: yep your mum came over to spend time with you two! How nice! okay well enjoy it you guys I am popping out to do the weekly shop /go for a run / off out to see a friend. I'll be back by 9 byeeeee.

Dh: are you going to see my mum?
You: do you know, the park with your mum would be lovely, she'd love it and it's been so long since you've seen her and i could do with a break. You are wonderful! Here you go (dump stuff on him and sit down)

Have you asked him to explain to you why you should spend loads of your free time with her, but he doesn’t have to? That just doesn’t make any sense that you’re only just realising this is unfair 13 months down the line?

Jeez, OP, you are doing far too much to keep the relationship between mil and her son going. It is not your responsibility. It is his and hers.
Understandably your MIL wants to see her GD but as that's all on your shoulders you need to take control and do what you feel is right as well as what you want.
It'll all end in tears eventually as you'll become (and obviously already are) unhappy with what is expected of you.
Your DH is using you and your DD to fill the gap of him not being available.
Drift away from this arrangement, move some of the responsibilities and visits to your DH.
My DH and MIL many years ago had these expectations of me. Until one day she called me shouting at me about why I hadn't been in touch and just left her (I had flu and a 4 year old) and a lightbulb moment hit me...I wasn't her daughter, she wasn't ultimately my responsibility. Her DS, my DH, never got a call or an expectation. I quietly backed away and moved responsibilities to my DH for HIS mother. I'd never expected him to be responsible for my mother's happiness or relationship with our DC.
Have a proper think about what you want.

@Sophie1029734

I'm not gonna get in to the back story as itd a be a long post, but were a 3 min walk from each other. When baby was born for months and months wed get visited atleast 5 times a week with up to 10 calls a day. Lots of annoying "advice". This died down due to covid and I think she relised that I hated the comments as I would shut them down. At this time I felt smothered and in competition.

Currently I see mil fridays and once or twice between monday an and Thursday, sometimes it can be just the friday. These visits only last up to 1h 30 mins as she comes after work and cant stay.
I love seeing mil so I honestly dont mind these visits but partner finishes work at the same time and her visits go in to our time. LO sleeps 2 hours after he finishes so it really does take away time we can spend together with LO. it can be a bit annoying but over all I like the visits and I love her.

On both saturdays and sundays I always get a message asking of I'm comeing round as itd be lovley to see us. I usually visit on both days but the past month ive been trying to break this routine. I wont leave LO with her yet as 6 people live there, due to covid she is only used to mil and shuts down, becomes very quiet and upset around the others. Im not happy leaving her till she is actually ready,
So until LO is ready I wont be. I left LO with mil a couple times, she said she would bring lo back if she was upset.. she didnt. I found out by another person living there that she was awful. I let mil take lo for walks. I know she wants to spend time with LO but I just feel like she is expecting too much off me to see me both sat and sunday. She came round yesterday for about 2 hours and asked me later on if I'm coneing round.. I said no, i felt tired. Partner had been working on garden all day and wanted to spend that time with him. Tbh I also just want to break the expectations and make her know that I have my own life and that I'm not available to her whenever she expects me to be.
When I said no she asked me if I'm comeing round tommorow? And followed up with a message asking to take LO for a walk. I'm all for that but partner said yes to going on a walk together, takeing picnic and so on. I had to say no because we had plans. I could tell she was upset.

Somce haveing LO I've had a weird vibe with MIl. It's not like she wants to nan, it's as if she wants to mum. She used to say how much she has always wanted a little girl
, went to see a fortune teller who said she would get one through a dil. She mentioned this multiple times.
She sees being a nan as a co parenting role and I've had family members say to me how she wants to have Lo for nights, asking me if I've even seen her recently as if I havnt just seen her yesterday. I know for a fact mil has talked to my partner about it.. hes on her side. I mentioned that im gonna go for a walk and hed reply with, so you going my mums? Not as a question but a request. Telling me i should give lo with mil.
I feel like I'm fighting against everyone, like im trapped in these expectations. Like I'm constantly trying to stand my ground but I'm being seen as the physco, controlling mum who restricts the nan from seeing grand daughter. It's like I'm in the wrong for not wanting to dedicate every weekend to visiting. It sends me down a guilt cycle, i feel horrible. I question weather I am being controlling, then some days I know I'm not. I'm currently in this feeling of guilt as today she wanted to take LO for a walk . And yes I love my mil very much, she is like a secound mum but I cant help but want space from her. She smothers me more than my family have ever done.

Organise days out with her more often. Things you need to do then go home. That helps with my mum who can end up staying for ages if not.

I love how you have such a close relationship with her, and it’s clear from what you said that she sees you and your LO as family, so maybe start (politely) treating her like how you would your mum. So laugh things off if she’s being unreasonable, or arrange things at a specific time, or even text her in advance to let her know you’ll be out on such and such days (even if you’re not).

Time to stop feeling guilty or worrying what MIL says about you. Don’t be afraid to be the bad guy. There will be many times in life when you disagree with others on what is best for your LO, this is just the start. You actually have the power in this situation, if you could only see it.

It's your life. Do what you want with it. Start saying no. I am gob smacked that you are doing all this yet your dh is not doing any visits. What a hypocrite. It's his family! Sod that. Start standing up for yourself. Don't be a doormat. Good luck with it all.

I imagine you feel quite trapped, but it is not your sole job to keep your mil happy with constant visits. Unfortunately with living so close she seems to expect you to be available and include her.
I am not a mil and can see from reading on here it can be a minefield to navigate, once grandchildren are in the frame I will have no idea how I should be.
My sister has recently become a grandmother and has been having the baby overnight already once a week for 24 hrs, which really surprises me on both sides.
Equally I have another sister who became a grandmother at about the same time, although living very near they have rarely seen the baby due to covid rules and I feel sad for them.
Apart from your DH who should be facilitating visits do you have friends who come round? If you mil could see you were otherwise engaged with friends surely she would not expect to be included.

I agree with the others this has gone on long enough and you need to put your foot down down.

Just keep repeating "your family your responsibility and my family my responsibility".

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year.

What the fuck? You're going to have to start being string and just say "not this weekend" if your partner says "so taking LO to mums then?" Say "no,that's up to you from now on".

Stop going round do much, and don’t go at weekends your dh is a duck as us your mil. Get some balls and go for a walk by yourself without seeing mil. They are selfish and you need a break.

@TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN

She smothers you??

I'd have smothered her long before now!

Yup. She sounds horrendous and manipulative.

@Horehound

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year.

What the fuck? You're going to have to start being string and just say "not this weekend" if your partner says "so taking LO to mums then?" Say "no,that's up to you from now on".

This. Why wouldn’t you!?

@Sophie1029734

For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year. Lo is 13months, we still co sleep and I breastfeed her to sleep. Over nights arnt practical yet so was thinking the same, maybe when she can talk and understand what's going on. I was starting to hand her over for a couple hours until I relised how bad lo actually was with them, now I'm going to wait it out till she has grown more comfortable with everyone. Maybe she wants more 1 on 1 time but she will have that again. I am open to her and hear her wants as a nan, that's why I visit so frequently and open to her visits but the pressure is becoming a bit overbearing

Well your MIL is a pain in the arse, but as it so often turns out, your actual problem is your husband. Look at what you've said:

"For some reason I'm the only one expected to make the visits, partner wants no part in it so everything is on me. He visits about 3 times a year."

"I mentioned that im gonna go for a walk and hed reply with, so you going my mums? Not as a question but a request. Telling me i should give lo with mil."

"He doesnt listen to me when I mention it to him, he switches off. I wish I could enjoy a weekend day whilst he took lo round but itd never happen 😭 yea mil isnt the only person I visit and now things are lifted, itll feel like my entire week is dedicated to visits 😫"

Your husband has a weird relationship with his mother (and wider family?), and seems to have decided to manage this by using you as his proxy. He has burdened you to have the parent-child relationship with his mother instead of him. He has abdicated himself from the relationship - you saw that when you lived with her prior to the birth, when he would go straight to his room rather than interact with her.

The thing is - he is using you. He is burdening you. And if you try to talk to him, he 'switches off'. This is no way to treat you, and it has to stop.

So, what to do. Well, I'd start by saying 'no' when he asks /tells me to go by his mums when I go out for a walk. No discussion, just 'no'. If he pushes it, ask why. And whatever he says in response, push back with 'well if you want your mother to see your daughter, maybe you should take her round'.

I'd also stop going round to visit. Start by only going once a fortnight, three weeks, make the gap longer, and - who else are you visiting? I'm guessing your husband doesn't do those visits either. Stop doing them. If your husband raises it, tell him you've decided you'd rather spend your time with him. If he pushes it, ask him why he wants you to visit when he won't. Insist that you are not visiting in his stead, if he wants visits to happen then he's free to visit, and you are no longer willing to be made to do these visits so that he can get out of them and spend his time as he pleases - without you around.

Your husband is your problem. Get that one solved, and the problem with the rest of his family's expectations of your time and compliance will disappear - onto his shoulders, where they belong.

So your partner sees his family three times a year. And you are expected to spend every available minute of every day with the family he refuses to voluntarily visit?

Say no. Are you coming around? No
Are you walking to my mums? No
You’re MIL wants baby overnight. No

Who gives a shit what they’re feeling they don’t care how you and baby are feeling.

If your P kicks off or gets angry tell him it’s his family he can take baby for visits when he goes to see them.

Why on earth do people want small babies on their own overnight? They’re hard work

Next time your MIL comes round to yours after work carry on doing whatever your doing, leave her son to host her and chat to her.

Wifework. He thinks you can hang out with his mum as you are both ‘ladies’ (I had this issue). Does he want to spend all his time hanging out with your dad?

Stop facilitating.

Her own so doesn’t like her, bother with her or see her. I can’t imagine why he expects you to.

Do you think because you lived with them you still feel indebted to her in a way? If so then stop.

Her. Own. Son. Isn’t. Bothered.

And as neither he nor her are your boss you don’t have to do what either of them wants. Please yourself from now on. They both do.

I think the replies are looking pretty unanimous, @Sophie1029734! What’s your plan?

The answer on this thread are brilliant.
Great to see so many health boundaries.
You don't have ti be mean or aggressive ti set boundaries and a add in good humour helps ti smooth the way.
This leads ti better abs healthier relationships.

I never see my Mil, I do my own thing with the kids Thursday and Friday when I’m off work, have a family day on the weekend and husband takes the kids to see Mil. Why are you visiting so much? Do you not have your own family? Friends?

Sounds like she needs therapy to get over the daughter she never had.

You've done well to accommodate her building a relationship with her grandchild as MILS can often get sidelined but you have to have boundaries too so don't feel guilty about this at all. This is previous bonding time for you and baby and if she was empathetic and not just thinking about herself, she would understand this. Sounds like she may also be lonely too so your boyfriend should be visiting her a lot more than just 3 times a year(!!)