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Original poster

Dating a widower - too soon

69 replies

Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:06

So I’ve been chatting to someone online who said his wife died about 4 months ago. He said she been ill for about 12 years and the for the last few years could not be treated so he knew the wind was coming.He wants to meet up but I can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable about it being so soon after his poor wife passed away.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:07

*the end was coming not wind 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2021 19:10

I think it's possible that he grieved the loss of his wife a long time ago and he's ready to move on. He has probably been very lonely and craving intimacy for a very long time. All you can do is go with what makes you comfortable.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 15/04/2021 19:14

I wouldn't date someone so soon after a bereavement. It sounds like he's probably grieved for his wife while she was still alive and very ill, it's awful watching someone slowly die and must have been very traumatic for him. He needs to heal and concentrate on himself for a short while. He hasn't had any time on his own as a single person

Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:20

I agree - it must have been absolutely her bring ill for so long. It just doesn’t feel right to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:20

Though he insists he’s ready to date..

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 15/04/2021 19:23

I’d also think about what you’re walking into with his friends and family - a lot will feel it’s too soon and you may not be as welcomed as you could be.

Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:26

I agree. I think I’d be embarrassed telling anyone in RL I was dating someone whose wife died so recently. He says his daughter knows he’s in dating sites and apparently is fine with it.

OP posts:
Runmybathforme · 15/04/2021 19:26

Hi sorry grieving would have started as soon as he knew she was going to die, so he’s possibly being realistic about dating so soon, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable with it. It’s so soon you’re very likely to meet some hostility from his family and friends. He’s still got loads of stuff to work through, but I totally get that he needs intimacy again. Good luck with whatever you decide.

endlesscraziness · 15/04/2021 19:28

My friends now husband grieved his wife for years and got together with his now wife about 4 months later. They're the happiest couple I know

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 15/04/2021 19:29

I'd give it a go. The poor man clearly hasn't had a normal relationship with his wife for many years. You'll soon tell if he's ready for a new partner or not

Cliniquegirl · 15/04/2021 19:30

Poor man Hmm

LlamaGiles · 15/04/2021 19:34

I know someone who met her husband at the hospice when his wife was dying. It sounds awful but she'd had a degenerative brain condition for years and it hadn't been a marriage for a long time. It is possible to do most of your grieving while the person is alive. However, you also need to be okay with it, and it doesn't sound as if you are.

B1rdflyinghigh · 15/04/2021 19:35

What harm is one date going to do? You may not even like him, or you may really enjoy his company.
I echo what everyone else said. Whilst it's not the same, I grieved for my mum before she even died. So when her death came. I wasn't bereft. I was sad, but relieved that she didn't have to go through the pain anymore. He may be similar.

Cliniquegirl · 15/04/2021 19:38

It does sound awful llama and it is awful.

Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:42

He said the end was almost a relief as she was incurable and in pain

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 15/04/2021 19:46

I know someone who started dating within 2 months of his wife dying. There is so much you don't know as in was it a happy marriage but he felt like he couldn't leave or as others say he might have grieved a while back. This couple got married but his children don't speak to him. They felt it was too quick.

flippertygibbit · 15/04/2021 19:48

He's done his grieving and wants some company. It doesn't need to be the romance of the century, just go and see how you get on.

RedToothBrush · 15/04/2021 19:56

The average time for a widower to remarry is within 2 - 3 years of their wife's death apparently.

So men don't tend to muck about thinking about whether its too soon.

moochingtothepub · 15/04/2021 19:56

It's quite possible that he is ready, as long as you are aware of the situation then I don't see the problem, take it slowly - it might be what you are both looking for who knows.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 15/04/2021 20:00

I’m seeing someone who’s wife died in September but I made it clear I want to stay as just friends for a while. He’s still on antidepressants and has never lived on his own before. I don’t really see it as ‘dating’ although we met OLD and I know he still has his profile up.

2bazookas · 15/04/2021 20:04

I might check out the death to see if its genuine.

Mumteedum · 15/04/2021 20:10

If you like him , I'd meet him and see. Much rather date a widower than a perpetual singleton with committment phobia

Sunflower1970 · 15/04/2021 20:37

I’m married to a widower and it’s not easy and I met mine 7 years after his wife died! It’s a minefield xxx

Rainbowqueeen · 15/04/2021 22:17

I wouldn’t simply because my feelings are important to me ( just as important as his are) and my feelings about it being too soon would impact on our time together too much.

SkankingMopoke · 15/04/2021 22:25

It would make me think he was the type that needed someone to look after him, and I would run a mile TBH.

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