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Original poster

Dating a widower - too soon

69 replies

Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 19:06

So I’ve been chatting to someone online who said his wife died about 4 months ago. He said she been ill for about 12 years and the for the last few years could not be treated so he knew the wind was coming.He wants to meet up but I can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable about it being so soon after his poor wife passed away.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/04/2021 22:34

From experience with people IRL and what I read online, men generally seem a lot quicker to get into relationships after their wife dies, than the other way round.

ZenNudist · 15/04/2021 22:44

I agree with SandyY2K. I know plenty of men, and one woman who moved on to permanent relationships with no time at all. It's not unusual.

My neighbour moved her BF in almost immediately and they pretended it was just support for the dc who lost their dad. By 4 months after her dh had died they were officially a couple. She wanted looking after though.

My uncle had a new gf waiting in the wings when my aunt lost her 5y long battle with cancer.

My old boss had a new wife within 2 years after losing his wife in an awful accident.

Id go on a date. It's not for you to decide its too soon. It's him. Worst that can happen is hes playing the field for a bit so you get dicked around. But on the upside he could be looking for a replacement committed relationship.

PrincessPea11 · 15/04/2021 23:07

What sort of age is his DD (and any other kids)? I'm assuming not tiny if DD knows about his dating profiles but it might make a difference to me if he his children were younger rather than say, 30s, as they are likely to need him more during the grieving process leading to him withdrawing from a new partner/ date unexpectedly.

Bumberlee · 15/04/2021 23:11

I dunno i smell a fib. I bet he's still very much married.

And if i am wrong and he is really a widower then i dont appreciate a man dating 4 months after a wife of 12 plus years dies. Too soon. Even if it was on the cards.

CruellaDaVille · 15/04/2021 23:23

Only the widower knows if he's ready to date or not, why does society impose right and wrong grieving times after which it's socially acceptable to date?
Maybe they be had a crappy marriage and it's been a happy release for him, who knows? Only him.

Original poster
Despairsometimes123 · 15/04/2021 23:33

@PrincessPea11. His daughter is 19

OP posts:
leekandpotsoup · 15/04/2021 23:42

There's lots of second guessing and presuming here. Just go on a date with him - then you'll know whether it's right for him and you.

There's no right or wrong way of dating after the death of a spouse. What works for one may not work for someone else.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 23:44

I wouldn't. If it doesn't feel right to you that is what matters. Personally I think it's too soon but what matters is that you do, too.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 23:45

I agree, don't second guess yourself. You don't feel it's right to you. So it's not!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 23:46

@CruellaDaVille

Only the widower knows if he's ready to date or not, why does society impose right and wrong grieving times after which it's socially acceptable to date? Maybe they be had a crappy marriage and it's been a happy release for him, who knows? Only him.
And whomever he asks to date.
Foxymoxy68 · 16/04/2021 00:39

I started dating a widower 6 months after his first wife very sadly died. He was 40. Today is our 20th wedding anniversary and I feel so blessed to have met him. Do what feels right for both of you. Life is short.

Mundayblues · 16/04/2021 02:11

At the end of the day you have to do what you’re comfortable with - we can’t tell you what that is.

Personally, I’d be more interested in someone who has shown he can truly commit to a woman vs. a lot of the crap that I imagine is available on online dating! If you’re enjoying talking to him, I’d meet up with him and see if there is anymore of a connection.

SD1978 · 16/04/2021 02:20

With a long term illness, I wouldn't necessarily discount at least meeting and see where it goes

Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 02:22

I think her being sick is not relevant . Lots of people are with sick spouses and have deep love and connection
For me personally I’d just wonder how I’d feel if he did the same and moved on 4 months after my passing ( heaven forbid that happened )
It seems he may have issues with being alone . I would t be perusing this one .

Ludoole · 16/04/2021 02:29

There's nothing to stop you meeting up if you would like to. You could meet and see how things go.
I met my current partner 6 weeks after my husband died of terminal cancer. I did most of my grieving once I knew he was dying but then found out about things he had done during our relationship, after his death so I moved on.

Maskedrevenger · 16/04/2021 02:42

In my experience men move on pretty quickly after being widowed. My uncle for example was married again within a year, after my aunt died ( short illness) after 30 + years of marriage. They had no children though. Tbh he was older and needed a wife to look after him as my aunt and he had a very traditional marriage and he had no idea about housework or cooking etc. It caused a huge family rift unfortunately.

1forAll74 · 16/04/2021 02:51

He would probably like some female company now. and seems to have decided he is ready to have some company now. So this is all you know at this present time. I wouldn't be bringing any other elements into your thoughts, as in what his family may think. etc. Everyone is different how they move on after being bereaved.

Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 03:30

@Maskedrevenger

In my experience men move on pretty quickly after being widowed. My uncle for example was married again within a year, after my aunt died ( short illness) after 30 + years of marriage. They had no children though. Tbh he was older and needed a wife to look after him as my aunt and he had a very traditional marriage and he had no idea about housework or cooking etc. It caused a huge family rift unfortunately.
Ive seen so many men do this after wives die . I suspect my husband would too . I guess they were us women as easily replaceable
Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 03:34

They see *

Interestingly a lot of men seem to move on really quickly after ending long marriages too

JustLyra · 16/04/2021 03:50

Statistically the happier a marriage was the sooner a widow or widower meets someone new.

In your shoes I wouldn't go on the date. Wish him well and let him get chatting to people who don't think it's too soon. Dating a widow is hard because everyone will have an opinion, if you're already worried then it'll eat away at you.

My DH was widowed six months before we met. In his opinion, and that of his best friend (also a widow), men often move on quicker than women because they don't take the opinions of so many people into account. When DH and I met he worried about DS, his inlaws and his wife's close friends opinions. When his best friend met someone she openly says that she worried about everyone - family, friends, colleagues etc - and how much they'd judge her.

Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 04:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustLyra · 16/04/2021 04:09

Yes I believe they likely don’t care about others opinions s however for me personally I simply could t think of a relationship with another man so soon after losing my husband.

You’ve completely twisted the point I was making and I’m not even going to say anything about your indirect suggestion that my husband sees me as a commodity.

All I’ll say is this - you have no idea how you’d react if your husband died. None at all. Hopefully you never know.

Some of your comments are utterly vile and offensive.

Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 04:13

@JustLyra

Yes I believe they likely don’t care about others opinions s however for me personally I simply could t think of a relationship with another man so soon after losing my husband.

You’ve completely twisted the point I was making and I’m not even going to say anything about your indirect suggestion that my husband sees me as a commodity.

All I’ll say is this - you have no idea how you’d react if your husband died. None at all. Hopefully you never know.

Some of your comments are utterly vile and offensive.

I do apologise if yoh felt I was saying your husband sees yoh as a commodity . THAT is NOT what I was saying at all I specifically said MANY MEN treat women as commodities Considering yoh don’t know my history or who I have lost yoh are in no position to tell me what I do or do not know about loss Perhaps you should read and interpret what I say more carefully
Washingtofold · 16/04/2021 04:16

And as you seem to be intent on twisting my words I will remove my comment not because you are right but because you are clearly not able to interpret my point or understand my meaning and I’m certainly not aiming to upset or offend anybody

JustLyra · 16/04/2021 04:18

I didn't say you didn't know about loss. I said you have no idea how you'd react if your DH died. That is fact. You don't. No-one does.

Even if you have suffered loss before you have no idea how you'd react.

Perhaps you should be less offensive and word what you say more carefully. I won't be engaging with you again.