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Original poster

Surely this is a reasonable request

63 replies

Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 14:57

DH and I have been married nearly 9 years. We have 2 year old twins. We went through 5 rounds of IVF to get them. It was some of the most awful years of my life. I definitely feel as though my life is complete. Twins are such hard work, I'm nearly 41 and DH is 50 this year.

We've barely had sex in the last 3 years. DH wouldn't come near me when pregnant and we're so tired at the end of the day we just collapse into bed and fall asleep.

We both want this to change and we're making a conscious effort. I know that the chances of me getting pregnant are extremely slim, but I really don't want to get pregnant. I did think about the contraceptive pill or the coil but then I thought no why should I? I have pumped my body full of drugs with the IVF for years, I'm done with any kind of hormones (well until the menopause kicks in, probably in about 12 months lol). Anyway given all of this I have asked DH to consider a vasectomy. He's not against the idea but has done sweet FA to organise even looking into it.

I know no man would relish having his tubes snipped but surely this is a totally reasonable request.

Did anyone else's DH have a reluctance to go under the knife?

OP posts:
Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 14:57

family is complete not life

OP posts:
autumnalrain · 15/04/2021 15:14

This is a very divided topic on Mumsnet. Personally I think his body his choice. But I know some others will disagree. There’s no right or wrong answer here.

Candyfloss99 · 15/04/2021 15:15

His body his choice just like it's your body your choice.

Chamonixshoopshoop · 15/04/2021 15:17

After my DH watched me go through 3 miscarriages, 1 x 44 hour labour ending in EMCS under GA and 1 x labour ending in forceps and subsequent bladder issues for months, he gladly booked himself in to get the snip.
It’s the best thing we ever did for our sex life!
It’s also the safest as the pill can cause clots in my age group.

Vodkabulary · 15/04/2021 15:18

Devils advocate How would you feel if he asked you to get sterilised instead?

Honestly I think it’s his body his choice.

Sakurami · 15/04/2021 15:18

Well he either uses condoms or gets the snip.

My ex promised to get the snip after we finished having kids but he never did. Pretty much like everything else he promised tbf.

Illberidingshotgun · 15/04/2021 15:19

Even if he went to the GP today to discuss it, I believe it's a fairly long process to ensure that the procedure has been successful, so would you consider going on the pill for a set amount of time, you could continue discussing the vasectomy, and he could look into it, whilst at the same time your sex life would hopefully improve without the worries about pregnancy.

GoWalkabout · 15/04/2021 15:21

Well he's not said no, I would give it time but avoid piv sex without condoms until then. His job to progress it, and unfair to pressure him. [although two years ago I suggested dh choose our next hoover and have robustly refused to remind or intervene and I am still waiting, so I guess you might get frustrated].

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/04/2021 15:23

I feel like it's his body and he gets to choose if he wants to undergo surgery. I would just use the coil or condoms or whatever other method available.

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:27

Another his body, his choice, and like any other procedure, should only be done off own free will without coercion or duress. My Dh booked himself in for one when he decided he was done without any prompting for me.

Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 15:29

@Chamonixshoopshoop

After my DH watched me go through 3 miscarriages, 1 x 44 hour labour ending in EMCS under GA and 1 x labour ending in forceps and subsequent bladder issues for months, he gladly booked himself in to get the snip. It’s the best thing we ever did for our sex life! It’s also the safest as the pill can cause clots in my age group.
This is exactly how I feel. I've had 5 really invasive egg retrievals and egg transfers, all totally horrific. I had a very complicated twin pregnancy, we're finally in a place where we feel content. I couldn't go through the trauma of a potentially complicated pregnancy again and I really do want our sex life to improve.
OP posts:
Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 15:29

use condoms!

Swordfish1 · 15/04/2021 15:32

Devils advocate How would you feel if he asked you to get sterilised instead?

Womens sterlisation failure rate is about 1 in 200. Mens is around 1 in 2000.

When me and dp were discussing this with the GP he said the fail rate for women is actually much higher than that in his experience and obviously you'll only know its not been successful when you get pregnant.
Men know if theirs is not successful with a simple sperm test afterwards.

I think if you are both adamant you want no more children and your body has been through so much already, its a no brainer.

But yes, its his body. However its far less intrusive and far more effective than anything you would have to put your body through again.
You need to just have a serious talk with him and find out why he is reluctant exactly.

Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 15:32

@Vodkabulary

Devils advocate How would you feel if he asked you to get sterilised instead?

Honestly I think it’s his body his choice.

I would say I have already put my body through it's absolute limits to achieve our family
OP posts:
Hariboqueen1 · 15/04/2021 15:33

Look into the copper coil. It lasts for 10 years and no hormones. I think it’s great

ExtraFirmHold · 15/04/2021 15:36

I do agree that it's his body so Ultimately his choice, however, my dh has volunteered to go get himself sorted out. My last pregnancy was awful and the doctors have advised me to not fall pregnant again. Hormones just don't suit me, so other than the copper coil or condoms I'm out of options.
I alnost had my tubes tied, but like you I kind of thought my body has been through enough. My dh is not ecstatic at the thought of a vasectomy, but we've discussed it in length and he agrees that my body has done enough, it's his turn.
Maybe try and talk to your husband again. Pull up some stats on success rates of vasectomies vs tubal litigation or hormonal contraception.
Also its slight bruising for a few days for him, he'll be fine within a week, hormones for you will mean years of taking pills/ iuds.

Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 15:38

I'd just like to add I've not coerced him or put pressure on. We had a chat about it and he seemed amiable to the idea. He's agreed with my reasons for not wanting to put anymore hormones into my body and doesn't have any objections to a vasectomy. The only objections he raised is that he assumed we'd have to go private and was worried about how much it would cost, but I told him to just enquire at the GP's and see what kind of response he got.

OP posts:
Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:40

So what's the point of the post if he's already agreed?

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:43

@ExtraFirmHold

I do agree that it's his body so Ultimately his choice, however, my dh has volunteered to go get himself sorted out. My last pregnancy was awful and the doctors have advised me to not fall pregnant again. Hormones just don't suit me, so other than the copper coil or condoms I'm out of options. I alnost had my tubes tied, but like you I kind of thought my body has been through enough. My dh is not ecstatic at the thought of a vasectomy, but we've discussed it in length and he agrees that my body has done enough, it's his turn. Maybe try and talk to your husband again. Pull up some stats on success rates of vasectomies vs tubal litigation or hormonal contraception. Also its slight bruising for a few days for him, he'll be fine within a week, hormones for you will mean years of taking pills/ iuds.
That's not true. It actually has one of the highest long term complication and chronic pain risk of any surgical procedure.
Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 15:45

@Creepygnochi

So what's the point of the post if he's already agreed?
the point is he's agreed, but hasn't done anything to enquire or make any appointments
OP posts:
Zancah · 15/04/2021 15:46

@Vodkabulary

Devils advocate How would you feel if he asked you to get sterilised instead?

Honestly I think it’s his body his choice.

That's not devil's advocate though, it's a woman putting herself through another procedure to appease the man.
Fuck that, he can have one low risk procedure or he can keep it in his pants!

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 15:50

Has he said he won’t enquire or is he just being slow about it? They probably have a backlog of work anyway at the moment due to covid

It’s his choice if he doesn’t want to though, you can use condoms or have other types of intimacy- sex doesn’t just have to be piv

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:50

Or he can go find somebody else to fuck, which is what I would do if my husband thought he could use intimacy to coerce me into making surgical adjustments to my body.

Zancah · 15/04/2021 15:51

Any reasonable husband should agree to it, especially given what you've gone through OP.
Give him a nudge. I would certainly not be having sex in the meantime.

Original poster
Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 15:53

@Creepygnochi

Or he can go find somebody else to fuck, which is what I would do if my husband thought he could use intimacy to coerce me into making surgical adjustments to my body.
charming........

maybe you could find another thread to be offensive on

OP posts:
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