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Original poster

Surely this is a reasonable request

63 replies

Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 14:57

DH and I have been married nearly 9 years. We have 2 year old twins. We went through 5 rounds of IVF to get them. It was some of the most awful years of my life. I definitely feel as though my life is complete. Twins are such hard work, I'm nearly 41 and DH is 50 this year.

We've barely had sex in the last 3 years. DH wouldn't come near me when pregnant and we're so tired at the end of the day we just collapse into bed and fall asleep.

We both want this to change and we're making a conscious effort. I know that the chances of me getting pregnant are extremely slim, but I really don't want to get pregnant. I did think about the contraceptive pill or the coil but then I thought no why should I? I have pumped my body full of drugs with the IVF for years, I'm done with any kind of hormones (well until the menopause kicks in, probably in about 12 months lol). Anyway given all of this I have asked DH to consider a vasectomy. He's not against the idea but has done sweet FA to organise even looking into it.

I know no man would relish having his tubes snipped but surely this is a totally reasonable request.

Did anyone else's DH have a reluctance to go under the knife?

OP posts:

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 15:55

If bodily autonomy offends you that's your own problem.

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 15:55

I agree with you OP although I do see the counter viewpoint about his body his choice. You've been through so much and I do feel that he needs to 'pull his weight' a bit now.

Ijustreallywantacat · 15/04/2021 15:56

*Has he said he won’t enquire or is he just being slow about it? They probably have a backlog of work anyway at the moment due to covid

It’s his choice if he doesn’t want to though, you can use condoms or have other types of intimacy- sex doesn’t just have to be piv*

So much this!
My partner and I barely have PIV for personal reasons. Took 6 months to do it for the first time. I also don't want to use hormones, so he just uses condoms when it happens. We have a great sex life.

suggestionsplease1 · 15/04/2021 16:09

Another point is that it's a bit of an unnecessary medical procedure at the moment anyway isn't it, if you're not presently having much sex.

Don't be in danger of distracting yourselves from the real issue by focusing on this. I'd say get your sex life back on track with condoms then follow this up when it is actually something that will be worthwhile doing rather than a fairly unnecessary medical procedure.

nancywhitehead · 15/04/2021 16:10

I do agree with those saying his body, his choice. But I also think it's a bit sad if he won't consider it after everything you've been through and expects you to be the one to have hormonal contraception or get sterilised.

It sounds like he has agreed though, so why do you think he hasn't taken any action? Could it be genuinely that it's just not at the top of his to-do list or that he is a bit disorganised? Maybe he doesn't realise how much it's affecting you and is thinking he'll get round to it?

Original poster

Heyduggee123 · 15/04/2021 16:11

He's just being a bit slow about it. For the very reason I didn't want to pressure or coerce him I have not gone on and on about it and contrary to what the person up thread said I/we are not withholding intimacy as a way of blackmail. That is so not who we are as a couple.

OP posts:

ExtraFirmHold · 15/04/2021 16:14

So does pregnancy and birth
Hormonal contraception for women carries risks of blood clots, depression, weight gain...
There are risks to everything.
Most guys I know who have had a vasectomy have had a few days off work and then been fine.
I need surgery to repair damage done from giving birth, I'll be bed bound for more than a few days and unable to drive safely for six weeks, it also carries risks and may cause me long term pain.
So should women just take all the risks?

Triffid1 · 15/04/2021 16:15

What are you using for contraception in the meantime? Or are you not having sex as a result of this? Because I think if he's theoretically agreed, I think it's perfectly reasonable to sit him down and say that if he IS going to do it, you'd really like hi to get on with it because in the meantime, you're using x or y contraception which doesn't work for you or you're not really willing to have sex.

If he's changed his mind and doesn't want to do it, that is (unfortunately) his right, but then you want to know so that you can consider what options are appropriate. If you Are on any kind of hormonal contraception in the meantime, I'd be stopping that or agreeing a date to stop so something like, "I'm really really not happy with continuing with hormonal contraception so I plan to stop as soon as possible. If you're still planning to go ahead with the vasectomy, can you arrange to speak to a GP asap so we can get a sense of timing. If your'e not, I'm going to stop using hormonal contraception immediately and we can switch to condoms."

ExtraFirmHold · 15/04/2021 16:15

Was replying to creepy comment on my previous post

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 16:15

@Heyduggee123

He doesn't want to have one. Because if he did he'd have done so already. So I'd say condoms or no PIV sex. I would not have another coil, and definitely not a copper one as they make periods heavier. No, thanks.

DH had one and did it all off his own back.

Pyewackect · 15/04/2021 16:17

@Candyfloss99

His body his choice just like it's your body your choice.

Absolutely.

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2021 16:18

Why can’t you use condoms? Surely that’s a sensible solution?

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 16:20

@ExtraFirmHold

Was replying to creepy comment on my previous post

So was I

The creepy and deranged comment that you have the inherent right to demand somebody make surgical adjustments to their own body.

Springfern · 15/04/2021 16:22

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I think I'd just rely on the pull out method at this point

2bazookas · 15/04/2021 16:22

I had arranged to get my tubes tied before leaving maternity hosoital after last birth; cancelled at the last minute. DH immediately stepped up and said "I'll get a vasectomy instead." Both happy, no hassle and no regrets.

Get some leaflets and leave them lying around.

ExtraFirmHold · 15/04/2021 16:22

Literally the first line of my first post was "its his body, his choice"
So........

2bazookas · 15/04/2021 16:23

@PurpleDaisies

Why can’t you use condoms? Surely that’s a sensible solution?

If you've ever had sex without condoms, you'll know the answer to that

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2021 16:26

If you've ever had sex without condoms, you'll know the answer to that

I don’t understand. I’ve done both.

Condoms stop you getting pregnant and are a perfectly acceptable option for plenty people who don’t want to get pregnant and don’t want hormonal contraceptives.

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 16:26

Kind of loses it's meaning when you then suggest using coercive control.

Triffid1 · 15/04/2021 16:27

@2bazookas agree that sex without condom is better. But I'm not taking hormones, I'm not inserting anything into my body and I am not getting sterilised as I am not interested in yet another GA. DH doesn't want a vasectomy. We are both perfectly within our rights to make these decisions but as a result, its condoms or nothing. And if Dh ever made a fuss about the condoms, I'd take it pretty badly (I also insist he buys them as I did ALL contraception pre children, plus did the whole endless physical effort of actually having children, so I consider it his turn to step up).

AmyLou100 · 15/04/2021 17:00

I agree with you. After what you have been through its the least he could do!

Grimsknee · 15/04/2021 17:10

It depends what your relationship is generally like.
I would just give my husband a friendly nag about procrastinating, because we're like that with each other.
Or you could ask him when he's going to get his snip organised as you can't wait to jump his bones. Or be more oblique and reinforce positively, remark that it means a lot to you that he's willing to do it?

Gilda152 · 15/04/2021 17:15

If he's said he will but not made any moves towards it, it prompts an obvious conversation I would have thought.

1/ Do you really want to do this or do you feel pressured because what I've been through and how I feel about it?
2/ If you do really want to do it, please could you make an appointment as soon as possible?
3/If you don't really want to do it, I understand and respect it's your choice (though I reserve the right to feel a bit resentful) so we'll need to look at other options so our intimacy doesn't suffer.

Creepygnochi · 15/04/2021 17:28

@Gilda152

If he's said he will but not made any moves towards it, it prompts an obvious conversation I would have thought.

This is perfect advice. Communication is the key, not the manipulative (and dare I say it, abusive) "I support bodily autonomy, but not really because if you don't do exactly what I say and irrevesably alter your body I'm going to withhold any and all intimacy until I mentally wear you down enough to do exactly what I say."

OhSayWhat · 15/04/2021 17:50

I’m in a very similar situation.

I’ve put my body through so much already and I won’t do any more. He says he’s very happy to do it but he just won’t organise it. He’s a disorganised person generally. He says he’s happy for me to organise it, but I feel it’s a pretty big deal and it should be for him to do what he wants to do to his body. I don’t feel comfortable organising it for him.

It’s so frustrating.

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