Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

selfish sex

75 replies

thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 12:59

Just wondering what others thoughts are on this.A few days ago my husband and I were having sex.We were having a good time and then he came.He then got up without saying anything and went for a shower and then got back into bed and gave me a cuddle.I said to him later on I felt it was a bit selfish that he just got up and went for a shower and it killed the moment and left me unsatisfied.It felt to me a bit like ,for him the job was done.He got mad with me and said I should have been more proactive and if i was bothered I should have gone to the shower with him.I'm now even madder and think he's being selfish or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 15/04/2021 13:46

Depends if this was a one off or a pattern. Is he usually so selfish and just interested in his needs?

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 13:48

As a one off, I'd let it go but does he normally do this - both leaving you unsatisfied and running to the shower as soon as he can? If so then you Def need a talk about what you both expect from sex

Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 14:14

@justcallmebebes
@sleepingstandingup-he is interested in my needs while we are at it but generally once he's finished its over and its nearly always over before I have a chance.I think its the fact that i feel he's pretty much saying its my own fault for not saying something and that if i was bothered i should have followed him into the shower.I have rarely been satisfied with sex-its all been mostly about him but he makes out its my fault because i don't particularly enjoy foreplay that much.I prefer penetration.I think its just the fact that he didn't even ask or seem to care

OP posts:
KittyKattyKate · 15/04/2021 15:22

You are not being unreasonable at all! He is extremely selfish in bed.

Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 15:33

I agree with you, he is selfish in bed.

Notapheasantplucker · 15/04/2021 15:37

Yeah he's being selfish. My DP always makes sure I go first. Your DH should be making more of an effort to help you get there rather than satisfying his own needs first.

Notapheasantplucker · 15/04/2021 15:37

Oh and sorry that might be tmi Easter Blush

Cindy87 · 15/04/2021 15:42

I think his reaction was probably defensiveness as he felt criticised. You are absolutely reasonable to expect to be as satisfied as him, and you're right he acted selfishly though.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 17:13

I think the issue is his coming and then running straight to the shower, Ew dirty dirty, must scrub!!! If he stayed for a kiss and a cuddle it'd be more natural for you to ask him to finish the job

Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 22:42

Thanks for all your responses-yes I think he was probrably feeling defensive .I think we have just got into a pattern of me not expecting to be satisfied and him forgetting that he should think about it.When i brought it up with him I thought he would apologise not pretty much tell me its my own fault

OP posts:
Cocopogo · 15/04/2021 22:44

Sadly he’s not the only man who thinks like this. Why is it when some men cum they thinks that’s it, finished?

Holothane · 15/04/2021 22:45

We can’t have sex now but when we did he always made sure I got pleasure, health issue prevent us now.

category12 · 15/04/2021 22:48

New rule - ladies first.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 15/04/2021 22:50

Ladies first has always been my understanding, I thought it was a given to be honest.

Lessthanaballpark · 15/04/2021 22:53

Of course it’s Ladies first because when the guy comes it’s game over Grin

bunglebee · 15/04/2021 22:53

HIBU. If it isn't ladies first it absolutely should be ladies last before things are Officially Over. I don't understand the self-centredness of men like this, I really don't. But at the same time, if you've usually been passive with sex and not insisted on satisfaction, it's not altogether surprising he's become complacent.

Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 23:06

@bunglebee I agree I have been passive so maybe unreasonable to expect him to consider me.I think its because often I haven t been in the mood until we get going.
Am I unusual to not be that into foreplay?

OP posts:
HelpfulBelle · 15/04/2021 23:07

I am always Confused when a woman says they only enjoy penetration. 70% of women can’t climax through penetration. Orgasms stem from your clitoris.

OP, I think you need to ask your DH to help you achieve orgasm before he does.

HelpfulBelle · 15/04/2021 23:09

I think [heterosexual] foreplay should actually be renamed ‘ensuring the female partner has an orgasm’. It’s not the bit before the main event, it IS the main event!

bunglebee · 15/04/2021 23:10

Am I unusual to not be that into foreplay?

Dunno. Never done a survey. It seems likely though. Assuming you were keen for him to get you off after, it's hard to see why you would object to him getting you off in a similar manner before. Or is he just bad at foreplay? Surely foreplay itself should be intrinsically enjoyable or else you won't be ready for the penetrative event. I mean, yes, sometimes I fancy getting right down to the beast with two backs, but mostly I very much enjoy the preamble. (Which I don't even feel is the right word, because it's just as much sex as the penetrative portion.)

category12 · 15/04/2021 23:10

Apart from if you're in the 30%.

bunglebee · 15/04/2021 23:17

@category12

Apart from if you're in the 30%.
I am in the 30%, and I'm pretty confident the orgasms I get from penetration also stem from my clitoris, which is like the iceberg in that most of it is below the, er, waterline.

All orgasms stem from the clitoris, and most penetrative sex doesn't last long enough or cause enough clitoral stimulation to allow a woman to orgasm. (Some of this clitoral stimulation may be of the bits of it that wrap around the vagina.) Not surprisingly, I'm a lot more likely to get off during penetration if I also got off before penetration.

selfish sex
Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 23:23

@bunglebee fair point.He's actually never got me off-Ive always had to do it myself or gone without.Just never seems to work when he tries

OP posts:
Osirus · 16/04/2021 00:43

I usually “go” first but on the occasions this isn’t the case, DH always makes sure I’m taken care of too. No question at all, straight on it. He wouldn’t dream of getting straight up and off into the shower.

Your DH is thoughtless at best.

AnotherSunrise · 16/04/2021 00:57

Ask him to give you oral sex after