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Original poster

selfish sex

75 replies

thoroughlyfuckedoff · 15/04/2021 12:59

Just wondering what others thoughts are on this.A few days ago my husband and I were having sex.We were having a good time and then he came.He then got up without saying anything and went for a shower and then got back into bed and gave me a cuddle.I said to him later on I felt it was a bit selfish that he just got up and went for a shower and it killed the moment and left me unsatisfied.It felt to me a bit like ,for him the job was done.He got mad with me and said I should have been more proactive and if i was bothered I should have gone to the shower with him.I'm now even madder and think he's being selfish or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Dogladyxo · 16/04/2021 03:18

He's never got you off? Wow op Angry

BadNomad · 16/04/2021 03:38

This might be a stupid question but what exactly is it you want him to do after? If you only like penetration then that's over when he's over. Or is it that you want him to make you orgasm during it? But then you also say it "just never seems to work when he tries".

I'm not a big foreplay person either, but I also can't orgasm just through P in V. So I pop a hand down there during and help myself because I want that O and I know my body best.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Newstaronhorizon · 16/04/2021 03:52

Many men do this and woe betide any criticism! It's well known that generally men are ego led and so any criticism of it ( however seemingly minor) is likely to result in them no longer being sexually attracted to you or no longer being able to keep it up with you.

If you have a considerate, unselfish partner consider yourself in the minority. Many women are quiet about their lack of pleasure from sex because of having an inconsiderate or selfish partner. Taboo to say that's all. Many women wouldn't dream of complaining though. I think you will find if there was a world survey the shocking level of unsatisfactory sex for women would cause an uproar!

Perhaps as a result of the #Meto movement more women will feel able to call out how selfish many men are when it comes to sex Grin

starrynight21 · 16/04/2021 04:01

@BadNomad

This might be a stupid question but what exactly is it you want him to do after? If you only like penetration then that's over when he's over. Or is it that you want him to make you orgasm during it? But then you also say it "just never seems to work when he tries".

I'm not a big foreplay person either, but I also can't orgasm just through P in V. So I pop a hand down there during and help myself because I want that O and I know my body best.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

^^ This. You don't like foreplay and can only orgasm during P in V sex. So to his understanding, once he is done, it's over.

Try masturbating alone and see what works - once you know how to make it work, just do some while you are having sex with him. It just takes practice and a willingness to make it work.

Shatandfattered · 16/04/2021 04:21

I'm confused why or how he thinks you following him to the shower would've solved the issue... Is he the type of man to be able to get erect again and continue penetrative sex? If foreplay doesn't do it for you then he is obviously at a loose end of he has had an orgasm as fingers, rubbing or oral isn't going to do it for you so if he is unable to remain or regain an erection how is he supposed to finish the job? Surely masturbation By yourself is satisfactory? Which technically is the same as foreplay therefore he's just doing it "wrongly" for you? So maybe you need to teach him how you do it and where he's going wrong in that sense then if he comes too early for you he can continue the experience till you are also pleasured? Or maybe a discussion about introducing toys into the act would help. Once he's done he could then penetrate you with a toy till you are done.

Rmka · 16/04/2021 04:58

I think you need to have a serious conversation about it, outside of bed, and without putting a blame on anyone. If things were like this always it's somewhat understandable he didn't see a problem.
Try to think about what is it that make you feel pleasure. Why you don't enjoy foreplay? Maybe you need more gentle touch, or the opposite? I also find that at different part of my cycle my needs are different and I talked to my partner about it so now we have worked out communication during/before sex that tells him what my preference is this time. It took me a while to open up about it, we're not thought how to have these conversations. But it's so important. As your partner is defensive try to be gentle but still put your points across. Also ask him about his feelings. Maybe there's something he's not telling you.
You could also try exploring sex without penetration and gently guide each other while doing it. It might be a fun change for both of you.

StarlightLady · 16/04/2021 06:09

Totally selfish!

You are captain of your own body and should be the one calling the shots as to what happens and when.

Has this situation evolved or was he like this before you married?

JustAnotherOldMan · 16/04/2021 07:13

@BadNomad

This might be a stupid question but what exactly is it you want him to do after? If you only like penetration then that's over when he's over. Or is it that you want him to make you orgasm during it? But then you also say it "just never seems to work when he tries".

I'm not a big foreplay person either, but I also can't orgasm just through P in V. So I pop a hand down there during and help myself because I want that O and I know my body best.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Does he not use his fingers on your beforehand, or is that too much like foreplay for you ?. Do you need him to use his fingers (or toy ) for stimulation after he’s cum ?
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 16/04/2021 08:17

100% selfish in bed! Ladies first Blush

EarthSight · 16/04/2021 08:34

What a dick.

I don't know why you're still with a man like that. It's so disrespectful and would leave a lot of women feeling used. Can't believe he actually blamed you for not being proactive by not following him into the shower, wtff??? Is he respectful to you in the rest of the relationship?

Charley50 · 16/04/2021 09:01

If you've never come with him that is a problem. I can come with PiV sex; just have to angle myself or DP right. Does he know you don't come? If you have been faking it, now is the time to stop and ask him (show him) what you want. Awful when men are selfish in bed, but we also need to take responsibility for our own orgasms, in some ways.

blowinahoolie · 16/04/2021 09:10

DH would have made sure I came first. Always does. He isn't satisfied until I orgasm first, then he will really go for it....I think it turns him on to see me come.

I am honestly shocked at the amount of women on these threads who put up with shit sex.

Naunet · 16/04/2021 09:10

I would honestly give him a taste of his own medicine, and next time, get up and leave the room before he comes, then get defensive when he questions you. No doubt he’ll see it very differently when he’s the one left in the lurch.

And in the meantime, take some time to figure out what you do want and enjoy. What exactly do you want from him next time? You need to be ready to spell it out.

blowinahoolie · 16/04/2021 09:18

[quote thoroughlyfuckedoff]@bunglebee I agree I have been passive so maybe unreasonable to expect him to consider me.I think its because often I haven t been in the mood until we get going.
Am I unusual to not be that into foreplay?[/quote]
DH always does loads of fingering down there. Lots of kissing etc before we get started. He loves it.

blowinahoolie · 16/04/2021 09:18

@HelpfulBelle

I think [heterosexual] foreplay should actually be renamed ‘ensuring the female partner has an orgasm’. It’s not the bit before the main event, it IS the main event!
🙌🎉🙌
Pyewackect · 16/04/2021 09:21

...waiting for the first LTB !.

blowinahoolie · 16/04/2021 09:21

[quote thoroughlyfuckedoff]@bunglebee fair point.He's actually never got me off-Ive always had to do it myself or gone without.Just never seems to work when he tries[/quote]
😮😮😮😮😮😮

BigButtons · 16/04/2021 09:26

I put up this kind of rubbish for at least a year. I had to get really cross about it in the end because gentle hints didn’t work. I suspect my oh is the kind of man who believes women should come by PIV . That rarely happens with me and certainly not when the actually sex lasts such a short time. I had to point out to him that he would cum every time and I never did. I asked if he thought that was fair.

blowinahoolie · 16/04/2021 09:30

Masturbation aid, much! That's how he is treating you OP.

You need to lead the way in the bedroom. Get him told what you want! Make sure you are fully satisfied.

I am very fortunate to climax during PIV penetration and DH helping. Either way he will give me the time of my life every time! You should also be aiming for this each time. Don't settle for less.

Tal45 · 16/04/2021 09:36

I'm with the pp who is surprised when people say they prefer penetrative sex to foreplay. Is your OH generally able to keep going this way for long enough to make you orgasm? If so he's being selfish. If he can't do it then you're being unreasonable. I'd suggest getting yourself or getting him to get you close to orgasm before starting penetrative sex.

EarthSight · 16/04/2021 09:39

@BigButtons

I put up this kind of rubbish for at least a year. I had to get really cross about it in the end because gentle hints didn’t work. I suspect my oh is the kind of man who believes women should come by PIV . That rarely happens with me and certainly not when the actually sex lasts such a short time. I had to point out to him that he would cum every time and I never did. I asked if he thought that was fair.
@BigButtons Then he's ignorant, willfully or otherwise. Women who come via penetration alone are in the minority, and many men think their past partners have been able to do simply because those women might have faked their orgasms.
BigButtons · 16/04/2021 10:01

@EarthSight totally agree with you . I suspect that is exactly what happened in his past. I had to teach him where my clitoris was and it took him bloody ages to get it right. I suspect no woman has bothered before or simply given up and left him.

BigButtons · 16/04/2021 10:03

@thoroughlyfuckedoff I would feel a bit like a prostitute in your position.

Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 16/04/2021 10:19

again thank you for all your responses.I am going to try and pick a moment and revisit the conversation.I think i have to take reponsibility for being too passive at times and that means we have got into the habit of forgetting it should be satisfying for me too.To be fair to him he would be delighted to have more foreplay-its usually me thats pushing for piv because I find it more pleasurable but never quite get there

OP posts:
Original poster
thoroughlyfuckedoff · 16/04/2021 10:22

@BigButtons yes have definitely felt like that at times

OP posts: