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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You are nothing without me

57 replies

SinkingSally · 15/04/2021 10:18

“You would be nothing without me” came from the lips of my partner this morning. I went out at 7am this morning to buy my own birthday day cards and cake from Tesco for this weekend, I came back around 9am to find hungry kids and my partner just go out of the shower. I questioned his priorities frim having a shower over the kids needing breakfast, and he went on the attack. Told me it was my job to feed my children, when I explained to him it wasn’t my job to be a father he because very nasty. Escalated in telling me that when he found me I was in a horrible flat, and I would be nothing with out him. He pays for everything so I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me.
When he met me, I had just left a 6 yr domestic violence situation. I was only young and was lucky to leave with my life. I was pretty traumatised. Yes, I was in a horrible flat. I was trying to build my life back up from hell.
I don’t know what’s happened, but those words have just flicked a switch inside of me. I feel sick inside, my ex said this to me often when we were together.
Am I over exaggerating or are my feelings valid? Appreciate some advice

OP posts:
gelatodipistacchio · 15/04/2021 10:19

Get rid

ValleysGirl72 · 15/04/2021 10:22

@SinkingSally so sorry to hear this, but I believe that this is your cue to leave before this escalate

Indoorcamping · 15/04/2021 10:27

Sounds like you went from one abusive relationship to another. He probably seemed like a step up because he wasn't hitting you (i assume).

You and your kids deserve better.

What's your housing/work situation? Are the kids his?

You got out of one terrible relationship, you can do it again Flowers

Starlia · 15/04/2021 10:29

You are most definitely everything without him. Your feelings are absolutely valid.

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 10:30

Am I over exaggerating or are my feelings valid?

Fuck, no.

Not a long post and three points were unacceptable;

Buying your own birthday cake etc.
It being "your job" to feed the kids breakfast.
The nothing comment.

What men like him fail to appreciate is that the vast majority of women who've come out of a failed relationship, especially ab abusive relationship .. have a recovery period and then get back on their feet.

But in any case his thinking and his general attitude is nasty .. abusive actually.

Abuser, who are usually v sexist too, always seem to have that "I made you, I lifted you up, I'm superior, you could t manage without me etc" mentality towards women. It's one of their text books lines/trains of thought.

You've got yourself another abuser, even if he's not physical.

I'd start looking into his you'd manage financially if you separate. Work it all out - cab is good, they do phone calls, and when you know how you'd manage financially you can plan to leave.

Counselling might be s good idea too.

Grimsknee · 15/04/2021 10:31

Abusive men say this because they know that the woman would be 100% better off without them, and they need you not to believe it.

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 10:31

*Abusers

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 10:33

@Grimsknee

Abusive men say this because they know that the woman would be 100% better off without them, and they need you not to believe it.
I think they do it to manipulate the woman I to staying and acting grateful and inferior .. but also because they're so sexist they convince themselves that women are interior, can't manage, would be nowhere without them etc.
romdowa · 15/04/2021 10:33

It seems you went from one abusive relationship into another one. Now is the time to free yourself from this cycle , get a plan together and get out. Better living in a grotty flat then with an abusive asshole like that.

Beamur · 15/04/2021 10:41

You're right, that's a shitty response.
He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

FeistySheep · 15/04/2021 11:00

Decent men do not say things like that, because they are not thinking them.

The only way I could move on from something like this would be if my DH acknowledged he thought I was worth less than him, but said he knows this is wrong and took actual physical steps to change his incorrect opinion. This would certainly involve formal counselling of some kind. If DH managed to change, I might consider staying with him (assuming there are no other red flags you haven't mentioned).

If DH said this, but when we talked about it he said 'I didn't mean it', or refused to discuss it, that would be the end. In this case he obviously did mean it and worse, is unwilling to do anything about his completely unacceptable behaviour.

Blahblahblah40 · 15/04/2021 11:08

Your feelings are 100% valid. Trust your gut.

BarbieBrat · 15/04/2021 11:09

I lived in a women’s refuge when my partner met me and moved into his five bed 3 story mortgage free house and if he ever spoke to me like yours has I’d walk straight back out the fucker.

I’m so sorry he’s done this to you.

Queenie6655 · 15/04/2021 11:10

That's awful

You must leave

So sorry
Been through this shit
It's just awful

Baileyshotchocolate · 15/04/2021 11:10

You are already far more than he will ever be, you and your children deserve to be happy, sending you hugs and strength your way 💐

Wineat5isfine · 15/04/2021 11:21

What an arsehole! So sorry that you are going through this!

In your position I would be getting my ducks in a row...

RonSwansonsChair · 15/04/2021 11:23

You've already escaped from a destructive relationship - you are so much stronger than you'll ever know!
This may be your lightbulb moment and you absolutely are someone!! Look to your own happiness, do not give this man anymore of yourself.

Original poster
SinkingSally · 15/04/2021 11:25

Things have just escalated. He came back in the room asking if we were now friends. I told him where to go, and took his clothes out of the washing machine. He hit me on the back (he now says he only pushed me) I turned around and hit his back in retaliation. He then grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back, I slapped him around the face and left the house to my mothers. I’m literally shaking right now.

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 15/04/2021 11:27

Only a nothing human would say that to try and bring someone down to their own level. You need to kick him out.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 15/04/2021 11:31

What a shock. Are you OK OP? Where are your children?

Grimsknee · 15/04/2021 11:32

OP report it to the police.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2021 11:34

What a shock. I do think you should tell the police and say I’m scared to go back and get my and the children’s things. Can you stay at your mums? Are the children with you?

BlueDahlia69 · 15/04/2021 11:39

OP your feelings are real, and are telling you this man is vile. He doesn't even want to feed his children, he is vile.

Time to leave.

Lozzerbmc · 15/04/2021 11:39

Im so sorry you need to get out with the children today. Do you have family to stay with?

Thatwentbadly · 15/04/2021 11:41

I suspect you would be so much more without him.

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