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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

You are nothing without me

57 replies

SinkingSally · 15/04/2021 10:18

“You would be nothing without me” came from the lips of my partner this morning. I went out at 7am this morning to buy my own birthday day cards and cake from Tesco for this weekend, I came back around 9am to find hungry kids and my partner just go out of the shower. I questioned his priorities frim having a shower over the kids needing breakfast, and he went on the attack. Told me it was my job to feed my children, when I explained to him it wasn’t my job to be a father he because very nasty. Escalated in telling me that when he found me I was in a horrible flat, and I would be nothing with out him. He pays for everything so I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me.
When he met me, I had just left a 6 yr domestic violence situation. I was only young and was lucky to leave with my life. I was pretty traumatised. Yes, I was in a horrible flat. I was trying to build my life back up from hell.
I don’t know what’s happened, but those words have just flicked a switch inside of me. I feel sick inside, my ex said this to me often when we were together.
Am I over exaggerating or are my feelings valid? Appreciate some advice

OP posts:

orangegina · 15/04/2021 11:43

Interesting how when you met him, you were vulnerable and rock bottom. He's a bully and it's not luck or coincidence. That's how bullies and abusive men work

Sparklfairy · 15/04/2021 11:56

@SinkingSally

Things have just escalated. He came back in the room asking if we were now friends. I told him where to go, and took his clothes out of the washing machine. He hit me on the back (he now says he only pushed me) I turned around and hit his back in retaliation. He then grabbed me by the throat and pushed me back, I slapped him around the face and left the house to my mothers. I’m literally shaking right now.

I'm so sorry things have taken a violent turn OP

Please report to the police, even though it's scary. Men who 'go for the throat' during an attack are far more likely to kill.

Please don't go back there without the police, just to get your things, and leave him.

Shoxfordian · 15/04/2021 11:59

He’s abusive as well
Hope you’re safe

FeistySheep · 15/04/2021 12:02

Since your update I retract my earlier post OP. Do not go back! Have you got your kids with you? If not, can you go and get them (take someone with you)? Stay with your mother until you have got him out of your life and you've found a different place to live (I'm assuming from what you said earlier that your name is not on the house).
Take care xx

ChiefBabySniffer · 15/04/2021 12:04

Call the police. Please, for your children and your own safety. CALL THE POLICE.

litterbird · 15/04/2021 12:07

Get out now. Sadly you have just jumped into another abusive relationship. You must recognise this and act accordingly. Find a safe place for you and your children.

Alicenwonderland · 15/04/2021 12:09

Oh goodness!! Please call the police!! Report him now! He is a very dangerous man!!

Alicenwonderland · 15/04/2021 12:10

Don't worry that you hit him back or slapped him, it's a common reaction to an assault taking you by surprise.

WhySoSensitive · 15/04/2021 12:13

Stay at your mums and call the police.
Don’t engage with him any further.

StarCat2020 · 15/04/2021 12:22

Police now

Thatwentbadly · 15/04/2021 12:27

Call the police.
Are your children safe?
If they are at school ring the school, explain the situation and ask them not to release the children to your (hopefully now ex) partner.

AgathaAllAlong · 15/04/2021 12:30

Call the police now, stay at mother's with kids. This is assault OP.

Tistheseason17 · 15/04/2021 12:31

@Thatwentbadly

Call the police. Are your children safe? If they are at school ring the school, explain the situation and ask them not to release the children to your (hopefully now ex) partner.

^ This

IEat · 15/04/2021 12:42

He’s a wanker to throw your life as it was in your face. You are not a better person because of him. You are a person who will survive and grow as your life develops. It’s up to you make decisions of what the next step in your life is. Staying or leaving takes strength and courage. We all have those in us.

Pegsonstrings · 15/04/2021 12:45

I also went from one violent relationship to another. Seems your current partner has been waiting for this opportunity because how dare you remind him of his parental responsibilities?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/04/2021 14:39

@Thatwentbadly

Call the police. Are your children safe? If they are at school ring the school, explain the situation and ask them not to release the children to your (hopefully now ex) partner.

This, please do this.

You poor thing what a horrible shock for you. Lean on your mum, you'll be having a huge surge of adrenaline right now and likely a crash later.

Try to eat something and drink some water / sweet tea. You'll feel worse if you don't.

So sorry he's done this. He showed you a flash of who he was with that comment and because it didn't have the desired effect (making you back down, compliant and feel indebted to him) his true colours came out and he resorted to physical intimidation and violence. Then immediately gaslighting (it wasn't a hit it was a push etc).

Normal decent men don't have these episodes, not even once. You have been in an abusive relationship before and I'm afraid this is now one too.

You and your kids deserve more and you can do this

2020Diary · 15/04/2021 15:36

I am so sorry that things have escalated so quickly and severely. The hands round your throat is a HUGE red flag and you and your children should get out asap.

The UK government take this type of action so seriously that the Domestic Abuse Bill, currently going through Parliament, proposes making non fatal strangulation a criminal offence in its own right, punishable by up to 5 years in prison. That's how serious it is.
If you haven't got your children with you, I would phone the police and ask them to escort you back to pick up your DC. If you have your children with you I would still report him to the police. He is dangerous.
Stay safe, take care

AmyLou100 · 15/04/2021 15:54

Sorry you went through that op, hope you and the kids are safe now! Yes to the police and staying at your mum's. X

EscapeDragon · 15/04/2021 15:55

I hope you've called the police.

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 16:30

'I'd rather be nobody without you, than somebody with you'.

The guy is a total psychopath btw. He saw his control slipping, so he decided to attack you. Abusers who start putting hands on your throat are something like 90% more likely to kill their victims btw.

So sorry you left one abuser and got landed with another. But at least you know you can leave them because, you've done it before!

Well done on getting out. I do think it would be wise to report this incident to the police. But either way I would only be having future contact with him through a solicitor. And take photos of any bruising if there is any.

Never allow yourself to be alone in private with him again. He is dangerous and its escalating.

Dont answer his calls. Make sure he knows if he comes near you you will go straight to the police.
He is a coward who attacked a woman when her back was turned.

And only absolute nutters use 'you're nothing without me' btw it's like number 1 on 'I'm an abusive dickheads' list of fave sentences.

EarthSight · 15/04/2021 16:38

I would be nothing with out him. He pays for everything so I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me

I don't think he could have made himself any clearer. With you him, you are nothing. NOTHING. Ok then.....

He then tells you not to rock the boat too hard because at the end of the day he sees himself as your boss and thinks you are utterly dependent on him. He probably thinks you should kiss his feet for saving you. There can be no respect or equality in a relationship like that.

updownroundandround · 15/04/2021 16:39

@SinkingSally

Stay at your Mum's house. Phone the police and report the whole thing.
Get your Mum to collect the kids things and your things.

Never see him alone again. I'd also be denying him any time with the kids too, because he's turned a corner now, with regard to his abuse. It's now gone from verbal and emotional to physical in a single leap, and who knows what he's capable of doing to the kids in anger now ??

Cronyism · 15/04/2021 16:43

Wow he sounds like an utter bastard. And a dangerous one. You aren’t safe, but you know that.
I hope you’re getting lots of support from your mum and you can leave ASAP.

WhySoSensitive · 15/04/2021 19:09

Are you ok OP?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/04/2021 19:12

Firstly, are your children safe. Secondly, call the police.

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