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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my 18yr old dd is in abusive relationship....book q

53 replies

highlighta · 15/04/2021 07:24

I wasn't sure if this is the best place to post but here goes:

My dd has been through a tough time recently, hospitalized numerous time and had a suicide attempt last year due. She has a myriad of diagnosis which all stem from ptsd from abuse from a so called family friend 5 years ago.

She began a relationship with a friend of hers and its been 6 months. The last month or so I have noticed that she just hasn't been 'right'. To cut a very long story short, she is in both a physical and mentally abusive relationship with him. I was so shocked, I really didn't see this coming as even I (having been through similar) didn't even pick up a thing until now!

Anyway, we are in the typical situation where she is refusing to break if off with him as he has said and done the 'right' things. He is sorry, wont do it again, blah blah blah. I know he wont change, but she doesn't see that. Luckily I have already been able to get her into see her psychologist already, but she has warned me already that we have a long road ahead of us here, she has to make the break from him herself. I know that as much as it is killing me to have to just step back.

She is going to her dad for a few days as needs some time away from here which I think is a good thing. Dad doesn't know and she doesn't want him to either (she says if he knows she wont be able to go there and try to get away from it all as he will also just want to discuss it).

So for the few days away she will be at their house alone quite a bit of the time (yes that is a bit of a worry but there isn't a lot I can do about it - I have lost sleep about this) so I want to get her a book to take with her to read. Something like Lundy Why does he do that is way too much for her right now (she is in a deep dip of depression again) so i found one called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse. Has anyone read this? I see it has great reviews, and then the odd one saying its a lot of crap. I wont have time to order it and read it myself before she goes to take with her, so I want to ask if anyone has read it, and do you think it suitable for someone in the middle of a crisis, in a major dip and having to come to terms with the fact she's been abused. Again.

OP posts:
Insomnia5 · 15/04/2021 07:33

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Original poster
highlighta · 15/04/2021 07:35

That isn't overly helpful Insomnia.

OP posts:
DaenarysStormborn · 15/04/2021 07:37

That's an unfair response from the pp. If her psychologist says it will be a long road, personally I wouldn't buy her anything obvious like a book that might be found and lead to awkward (and abusive) questioning for her. I'd look for websites with online reading so she can then delete the history.
Would the police help? DV charities?

Insomnia5 · 15/04/2021 07:41

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Saltyslug · 15/04/2021 07:42

Can you send your DD a link to the freedom programme?

Can you ask her to tell her dad over the weekend and post visit check in with dad

FAQs · 15/04/2021 07:43

I’d be quite rubbish in this situation as I’d take @Insomnia5 approach, do you know him well, does he come to your house?

Saltyslug · 15/04/2021 07:43

Here we go

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 07:43

Links to youtube vloggers might be good. I like melanie tonia evan's on narcissists (NPD).

Also reading links about 'the cycle of abuse', 'gaslighting', 'narcissistic hoovering' (how they try to con you into coming back)
and perhaps 'lovebombing' and 'narcissistic triangulation' if they are relevant too.

PineappleUpside · 15/04/2021 07:45

Our Primary school is using that book for our well-being assemblies. It's just a feel good book that's very visually pleasing. It's not a book that's going to make an eighteen year old realise she's in an abusive relationship.

If this was my dd I think I'd try and refocus her on something that's not her relationship. Like her studies or whatever it is she wants to do with her life. Go somewhere for a week or two like London or the Lake District depending on what she is interested in.

SeaTurtles92 · 15/04/2021 07:46

Oh bless you daughter. What a viscous cycle for her to be in.
Unfortunately people who have been abused tend to be an easy target for scumbags. They always side with the abuser, trying to see the good in them, when there isn't any good just pure evil.

Have you spoken about her options? You need to focus on getting her out of this relationship before he makes that choice for her.

If I knew anyone was hurting my babies I'd want to wring their neck. I know that isn't helpful but you need to make sure she knows that you're there and this behaviour is not okay.

Does the scumbag know you know?

Original poster
highlighta · 15/04/2021 07:50

Thank you for the helpful responses. I also thought of the Freedom Programme but am also wondering if it is a bit too soon (its only been in the open for a few days now).

I am not in the UK and charities that are available to you there are just not here. We have also not yet opened a dv case with the police, as she has to do it. And she wont at this point.

No her life is not in danger but she has been physically abused Insomnia. Do you really think I would let her leave my side if her life was in danger? And running him over with my car, yes, the thought has crossed my mind, also thoughts of me doing even worse things, but in all honestly, that is hardly helpful to the situation of which we have been told my a medical professional.... to tread lightly with her.

OP posts:
EvilHerbivore · 15/04/2021 07:51

The book to accompany The Freedom Programme is 'Living With The Dominator' - can get it on eBay

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 07:58

Do you know his family? Could you show his parents what he has done? I'd go round there and tell them to keep their son the hell away from my daughter.

Original poster
highlighta · 15/04/2021 07:58

@SeaTurtles92

Oh bless you daughter. What a viscous cycle for her to be in. Unfortunately people who have been abused tend to be an easy target for scumbags. They always side with the abuser, trying to see the good in them, when there isn't any good just pure evil.

Have you spoken about her options? You need to focus on getting her out of this relationship before he makes that choice for her.

If I knew anyone was hurting my babies I'd want to wring their neck. I know that isn't helpful but you need to make sure she knows that you're there and this behaviour is not okay.

Does the scumbag know you know?

Yes he knows I know. He even had the audacity to send me a message trying to explain himself. This is just how brazen he is, he is 18 years old as well and truly believes that a text message to me is going to help matters. It was a corker, typical abuser style. No acceptance that he has done wrong, pushing the blame onto dd, all the usual. She doesnt have the mind space to break up with him right now we suspect. Its just too much to digest and that through process isnt even a consideration right now. I am going to message his mother and request me meet up, as he claims he has told them, but going by their reaction (very mild) I doubt he has told them much, or at all.

I want her free of him. But it just isnt as straight forward as that.

OP posts:
Saltyslug · 15/04/2021 07:58

You could forward the freedom programme link to her just so it’s there ready if she wants it

Also I agree with doing lots of nice things with her, walking, holidays away, studies, seeing friends, sport, looking after pets

SavoyCabbage · 15/04/2021 07:58

She needs to hear that life is wider than this bloke. She's only eighteen, the world should be at her feet. Has she got friends who could be a positive influence?

Sitchervice · 15/04/2021 07:59

Which country are you in?

Saltyslug · 15/04/2021 08:00

Days out to the seaside. Help her be connected to other aspects of her life

Original poster
highlighta · 15/04/2021 08:02

@Wanderlusto

Do you know his family? Could you show his parents what he has done? I'd go round there and tell them to keep their son the hell away from my daughter.
Yes I know them, we live a mere few houses away which of course complicates matters a bit.
OP posts:
SD1978 · 15/04/2021 08:02

I'm sorry your daughter is going through this- one thing that really jumps out to me is that you have been in a similar situation. Juts remember your daughter isn't where you are- although she hopefully will be as soon as possible. All the things you already know, she is needing to learn. It can be hard to step away and be supportive, when you've been through similar x

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 08:04

@Insomnia5 I'd do the same

BrownEyedGirl80 · 15/04/2021 08:05

With the car not the book!

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 08:07

If theres proof in the text he sent that he physically hurt your daughter, I'd text him that if ever touches her again, the text will be getting sent to the police and you will be screenshotting it an posting it on facebook for all to see, along with photos of her bruising.

Nomaj · 15/04/2021 08:08

Get Women Don’t Owe You Pretty.

Women Don't Owe You Pretty: The debut book from Florence Given www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1788402111/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_36M9MP2S6YWCNGTDGV04?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It’s written for a younger audience and is about general feminism but includes chapters on how to recognise a bad relationship and why it’s ok to get out of it.

She may well accept a book that is a bit less obviously focused on just relationships.

It’s very good.

LooseLipsSinkShips · 15/04/2021 08:08

I think you should stop focusing on him and start focusing on her.

What's she doing at the moment? School, uni? Does she have a part time job? What does she do for fun? What does she want to be?