Just found out my 18yr old dd is in abusive relationship....book q

[highlighta]

I wasn't sure if this is the best place to post but here goes:

My dd has been through a tough time recently, hospitalized numerous time and had a suicide attempt last year due. She has a myriad of diagnosis which all stem from ptsd from abuse from a so called family friend 5 years ago.

She began a relationship with a friend of hers and its been 6 months. The last month or so I have noticed that she just hasn't been 'right'. To cut a very long story short, she is in both a physical and mentally abusive relationship with him. I was so shocked, I really didn't see this coming as even I (having been through similar) didn't even pick up a thing until now!

Anyway, we are in the typical situation where she is refusing to break if off with him as he has said and done the 'right' things. He is sorry, wont do it again, blah blah blah. I know he wont change, but she doesn't see that. Luckily I have already been able to get her into see her psychologist already, but she has warned me already that we have a long road ahead of us here, she has to make the break from him herself. I know that as much as it is killing me to have to just step back.

She is going to her dad for a few days as needs some time away from here which I think is a good thing. Dad doesn't know and she doesn't want him to either (she says if he knows she wont be able to go there and try to get away from it all as he will also just want to discuss it).

So for the few days away she will be at their house alone quite a bit of the time (yes that is a bit of a worry but there isn't a lot I can do about it - I have lost sleep about this) so I want to get her a book to take with her to read. Something like Lundy Why does he do that is way too much for her right now (she is in a deep dip of depression again) so i found one called The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse. Has anyone read this? I see it has great reviews, and then the odd one saying its a lot of crap. I wont have time to order it and read it myself before she goes to take with her, so I want to ask if anyone has read it, and do you think it suitable for someone in the middle of a crisis, in a major dip and having to come to terms with the fact she's been abused. Again.

When I say younger audience I mean teens and twenties of course. Not younger than that.

Another one that wouldn’t sit back or take a step back. Agree with the first poster.

Oh gosh op this is a mum's worst nightmare - ignore knows you know that is good - at least it is out in the open.
I am sure at that age l wouldn't have recognised this behaviour but as a middle age woman it makes my blood boil to think someone would do this. Is a chat with his mum likely to achieve much - has he cone from an abusive household?
Either way l really hope it gets sorted one way or another xx

I would do everything I possibly could to get her out of that relationship, no holes barred. If we had known the half of what was going on in my daughter's 11 year relationship I wouldn't have been nearly so hands off. You have the advantage of knowing early on what this relationship is like and that's an advantage.

I'm not necessarily saying that's the right thing to do, but I get upset about the misery she was in for so long and us largely oblivious.

Thank you Norma, I will look at this one.

Loose, she is in her final year of school and is in midst of exams. So that alone is stressful right now. She has a very full and busy life, she is a very talented dancer and competes internationally. She has now qualified to teach and plans to do that when she finishes school, and until she knows what she wants to do, at the moment she isnt sure. She is a confident, bright and a very talented young lady. She excels at school and is just good at everything she does.

Hi highlighta. I’ve been in a similar situation with my daughter who was the same age. I agree with the psychologist (great that your daughter is open to this) that this will be a process. If she stops seeing the psychologist at any point, I would go yourself.
The most critical thing you can do is preserve the communication and relationship with your daughter. I would also keep a log of things you are made aware of (comments / communications / incidents). Support your daughter’s connections with other people - friends and family. She will be isolated and her thinking and self perception affected as a result.
Make sure she has good contraception.
Get support around yourself.

Well she sounds absolutely amazing. Why would she hitch her wagon to such a little dick-weasel?

Your poor daughter, I hope she's able to leave him soon.

As a parent I'd be fighting the urge to go and physically assault him back to see how he likes it.

I think rather than just arming her with books about escaping/understanding an abuser I'd try to think of books that model really positive relationships. Perhaps also a couple of really beautifully illustrated books relating to her interests.

I just don't think it would be great to be alone with only a book explaining to you how awful your BF is (even if it is important to understand). xxx

@Praminthehall

Hi highlighta. I’ve been in a similar situation with my daughter who was the same age. I agree with the psychologist (great that your daughter is open to this) that this will be a process. If she stops seeing the psychologist at any point, I would go yourself. The most critical thing you can do is preserve the communication and relationship with your daughter. I would also keep a log of things you are made aware of (comments / communications / incidents). Support your daughter’s connections with other people - friends and family. She will be isolated and her thinking and self perception affected as a result. Make sure she has good contraception. Get support around yourself.

It is one of the hardest things ever isn't it? To not be able to just fix it straight away.

Thankfully we are very close and have a very good relationship. She has told me everything but it took 2 weeks for her to come out with it. I knew something was wrong, so I just reiterated that she could tell me anything.

She was already seeing her psychologist as part of treatment from the horrendous year last year, so I have direct contact with her. I told her immediately that something had happened and that DD has asked to see her. She saw her the following day after breaking the news to me, so she and her psychiatrist are now aware of it. So its 'reported' in her medical file. She doesn't want to know anything about laying a charge, but the information is there with her medical team if and when she is ready to. I just cant push her too much, I am too afraid that we lose the communication that we have right now, which know is crucial. Every day some more little things are coming out. I didnt think of making a log, so I think I need to do that.

The day I found out they had slept together for the first time (it seems this was coerced) we went to get prescription for the pill. She was only taking it for 4 days when all this came out, so she said she's no longer taking it. She has not seen him face to face since I found out (i have stopped that and laid down a visitation agreement - he is able to visit her at our home only, and only when I am also home. He can like that agreement or lump it). She has said she no longer wants a physical relationship, and wants to go back to how it was in the beginning (which is a more friendship type, you know the old innocent type of relationship as your first as a teen should be) The psych has agreed with this plan, and if he fails to keep to it, she will then be able to see that is isn't able to stick to the boundries. He hasn't been yet as I said he is only able to come here once he has told his parents. Hence me thinking he's told them some old bullshit to get back in the door here to see her. I am going to completely honest and say I have gone into hyper vigilant mode, I just feel that I need to protect her, but also not push her too hard to make decisions now. Its such a difficult position to be in.

Boundries is what she needs help with, this has already been picked up. But yes @SD1978 I have to keep reminding myself she is only 18, and this is her first relationship.

I just don't think it would be great to be alone with only a book explaining to you how awful your BF is (even if it is important to understand)

In hindsight now, after posting, I see its not such a great idea. It is not to replace support, it is just that she is going to be alone for a few days in the day and I thought of it more of a distraction, just something positive and gentle for her to read.

So she was raped. Coercive sex is just that -she didn't fully consent.

I don't know the situation -but I think maybe her telling you is to protect her -and that's not allowing her abuser in your home -whatever 'conditions are in place'.

Is a chat with his mum likely to achieve much - has he cone from an abusive household

This morning I thought it was a great idea. Now I don't know if it is anymore. I was about to send the message and then some work thing cropped up and I didn't. Now I don't know if this is the right route, as having son myself..... if this situation was reversed, I would have contacted the mother straight away to sort things out. I have not heard a word from them. Yes, the dad is a bit otherwise. He's had multiple affairs and quite the authoritarian. I am thinking that if I ask to meet his mother, he will come along and then it will be a two against one scenario. The response from the dad when he told him what had happened was along the lines of 'that is what boys do' sort of response. So I think I might just be wasting my already exhausted mental space on them.

Personally if you have a decent relationship with her dad, I'd tell him but ask him not to say anything.
Explain that she needs a break from the situation and ask him to keep an eye on her.
I know it's breaking her confidence but mum and dad working together behind the scene may be better than you trying to figure it all out alone.
She'll also be embarrassed maybe for her dad to know and may be scared of his reaction / going after the boyfriend and in her eyes making it worse.
That's my advice but my thoughts are with you 💐

Haven't read the full thread op. But the book you all about is lovely. It gently shows what life and love is, if it is not toxic. It has a lot of space in it to take it in. You don't need to digest any complex concepts, it is perfect in its simplicity, the illustrations are lovely and for someone with a very busy head and heart I can imagine it would be very easy to sit down with and open at any page. It is like a beautiful painting made with very few brush strokes. I think given what you said in your op and taking that at face value it is a good choice as it would do a great job of planting a seed of what a healthy life looks like. You are living every mother's nightmare op I wish you and your daughter all the strength in the world to rid this abuser out of your lives.

@Iamaperiwinkle

So she was raped. Coercive sex is just that -she didn't fully consent.

I don't know the situation -but I think maybe her telling you is to protect her -and that's not allowing her abuser in your home -whatever 'conditions are in place'.

In my mind, yes. But she says she didn't say no and didn't stop him and agreed to the 2nd time. Psychologist knows this but there is mental health history and this is one of the areas where we need to tread lightly.

She wanted him to be able to visit as and if he agreed to no physical contact. He did and then thought he could just swing on by as and when he pleased. This is why I have put the restrictions in place.

Please bear in mind we are only 3 days in. We still have a lot of processing and planning forward to do. If there were not very recent mental health issues, we may have been able to handle this differently, ie just force her to break contact with him. But we cant.

@Dizzy1234

Personally if you have a decent relationship with her dad, I'd tell him but ask him not to say anything. Explain that she needs a break from the situation and ask him to keep an eye on her. I know it's breaking her confidence but mum and dad working together behind the scene may be better than you trying to figure it all out alone. She'll also be embarrassed maybe for her dad to know and may be scared of his reaction / going after the boyfriend and in her eyes making it worse. That's my advice but my thoughts are with you 💐

Her dad and I relationship is a bit strained. He will blame me. He blamed me when she was groomed and abused 5 years ago. And I don't think he would be able to keep it quiet, she will know he knows. He will overreact and go around to their house and cause a big scene. Yes, that is what a few pp said they would do to, but it isn't a helpful response for her moving forward.

Look if he ran into a in a dark alley and got a bunch of fives I would not upset for him. But it isn't about me, or her dad's feelings about it. Her getting through this as stable as possible is what is important.

How awful for your dd, and you as well, Op. You just want to protect your child.

Had a similar situation with my dd when she was 17. She kept going back to this awful boy (he was 17 as well). I remember seeing scratches and bruises on her body and refusing to think that anyone would do that to her. He also emotionally abused her and isolated her from her friends.

For us, the school became involved and the police (who were fantastic). It nearly broke us as a family. All we could do was be there for her. It was the police involvement that finally put paid to the relationship, the boy realised that he couldn't carry on with his behaviour and get away with it so he finished it for good.

It still affects my dd today 5 years later.

Good luck, Op.

I am sorry Motnight, I do hope that your dd is able to move forward in time. And I am so very pleased to hear she is free from him now.

I know exactly what you mean, it's hard to accept and believe that someone can willingly do this to your child.

I found that the effects of my dds previous abuse only showed some years later.

I have ordered the mole book. Now not with the intention of giving it to dd to take with her, but more of one to leave on the coffee table for someone to pick up and read through when needing a bit of a pick me up. I realize we are in for the long haul.

I was in a similar situation to your DD at 17. I didn’t leave until almost a decade later. And I don’t know how my DM and DF did it. What I do know is that they were there, non judgemental, encouraged me into other endeavours such as my degree and travel etc, and somehow helped me keep my head above water. Eventually I realised I was done with his shit and left, and now have a lovely family of my own. She’ll get there eventually. Keep talking, keep the door open for her always, encourage other interests and mind broadening activities. Show her there’s a world beyond him as much as possible.

I've recommended this on here before I think but there's a book by Holly Bourne called The Places I've Cried in Public about an abusive relationship
which is very very good. It doesn't shy away from the realities of abuse so might not be one for right now while your daughter is feeling fragile but definitely worth a look. It feels very believeable, is not sensationalised and ends on a positive note as it's about the main character piecing together what happened, realising it was abusive and being able to move on. The author has previously worked in mental health and is very popular with older teens.

Thanks Aspiring, I am going to look for this book as well. Proabably something even I can read through, and then it's one that is laying around for when she is ready.

We have had a development (every single day just seems to bring new challenges right now). I did go see his mother. No he had not told them even half of what happened. But he told my dd he did. So he outright lied to her. She is angry about being lied to. Strangely enough she seems more angry about this than phsycial events. He also lied outright to his parents.

Yet still she says she isn't in the thought train to break it off with him. Sigh. So we went out a group of girls last night (we are not in UK so please don't even go with what, how and why). I think she thinks that no one else will ever be interested in her again (the mental abuse it's evident here) but she was certainly not short of attention and was open to chatting to other boys that were there. So I'm just hoping she realises after that, that what's he obvs told her is not true.

We didn't go to try hook her up with someone else before anyone anyone suggests that. It was just for a change of scene and to take her mind off things.

His mother was shocked to hear what I had to say. First defended him and basically said my dd was lying. Then I think my reaction to that proved that I was not as I just started the shake and I had the weirdest reaction. Not violent or angry, I can't even explain it. But I think she started to take me a bit more seriously after seeing that. It was a shock for her I get that, but in her eyes he can do no wrong. Later she messaged me to thank me for coming to see her, my dd had msgd him one word answers and then last night she left her phone at home and we encouraged her to leave it turned off until this morning. So I expect she has plenty messages awaiting her this morning. I don't know what has happened there now, but my dd feels strongly there needs to be consequences. Maybe it's a small step forward.

@Aspiringmatriarch

I've recommended this on here before I think but there's a book by Holly Bourne called The Places I've Cried in Public about an abusive relationship which is very very good. It doesn't shy away from the realities of abuse so might not be one for right now while your daughter is feeling fragile but definitely worth a look. It feels very believeable, is not sensationalised and ends on a positive note as it's about the main character piecing together what happened, realising it was abusive and being able to move on. The author has previously worked in mental health and is very popular with older teens.

I see it is a month since I posted.

I have ordered this book, thanks Aspiring and I will read it first and then decide when the time is right to let her read it as well.

I did step back from the whole situation as his mother came to see me a few days after I had gone to speak to her. Her whole approach was just so aggressive and she said some awful things about my dd. (when I went to see her I was def not like this and I just went with the intention of finding out what she knew about the situation). She was relaying what her son has told her, which was just simply not true. Trying to cover himself the whole time, and putting all the blame on my dd. Of course I spoke to dd about this and she just could not believe what he had come out with (to be honest it was pretty unbelievable stuff). So as this was just getting too much for her, and she felt I was pressurizing her to make a decision about him, she had a complete meltdown and said she never wants to talk about it or him again. So, I said ok and I kept to my side and didn't bring the topic up unless she did. But she still didn't end the relationship and they continued to talk, but over messaging only and they had not met up again in person.

Quite surprisingly over the past weekend she said that she had now made the decision and can see a bit clearer now (I do think that she needed the space and I can fully see I had to step back to let her process) and that she was going to break it off with him, which she did, and she also told him not to contact her at all. So we are now dealing with the aftermath of an abusive relationship, which also is challenging, she is very up and down. One minute she is happy and says she feels like a weight has been lifted, and the next minute she thinks she may have made a mistake and misses the good times they had. Which I think is normal in the grieving stage. Yet still, it is hard to watch someone hurting.

So I am very relieved and also very proud of her, for the way she handled things. She did go to his house to break it off face to face, she said her piece and held her head high, fought back the tears and turned around and walked away. I have to keep reminding myself that she is only 18, and she could have picked an easier way, just messaging. But she said she needed to see his face and that he could see that she was serious about about the fact that he isn't to contact her again.

It has been the most horrendous time, the past few months have been so challenging. But although she is sad, I can see I have the dd that I actually know back again.

Although I have been in an abusive relationship myself, I think it is worse to see your child go through it. And that nothing you do or say matters as they need to take that huge step to realize for themselves.

I didn't come back to thank everyone for the messages, but they did help (although I still feel like taking him out with my car), so I did just want to pop back to update.

I might still need some advise on how to help heal a hurting heart.

So, so happy shes finally been able to be strong to walk away.

Time is the only healer, she needs to be around those who love her and have lots to look forward to, ride out ALL the emotions but also keep herself busy,

She can absolutely do this xxx

Thank you Mae,

She has her people surrounding her, we are an all female team (her psychologist, my sister and me, her friends, who are amazing) so we are encouraging girl power right now. Of course we don't want to be pushing away any male role models, but I think she is just a bit weary at the moment. Time is a healer, you are right. Also time has made her see the woods for the trees.