I think dh & I are going to split up. Not sure what to do.

[SparklePrincess]

He admitted yesterday that he doesnt love me & hasnt been happy for years. My issues with him are he refuses to put me or the children first & I feel like an unpaid unappreciated housekeeper in my own home. He comes home from work & does his own thing. Doesnt even speak to me when were in the same room. Its like a kind of mental torture. Ive put up with it because I want the children to have a so called proper family & I honestly have no idea what will happen to us. The split seems inevitable now that he has admitted what was blatantly obvious really.
What do we do? How will we manage? I dont know where to start. All I want is a family.

Message withdrawn

No, you are not speaking out of turn alittleone2. You are quite correct in what you say. I am screaming out for a life of my own away from looking after the kids & dh & my few cleaning jobs. I would dearly love to be able to take on a more fulfilling term time only job, but its near impossible to find anything living where I do that wouldnt involve a 40 minute drive before you start. Cant completely disregard the fact that as I would probably be on minimum wage & with the cost of petrol taken into account (& the lack of reliability of my car) I would be earning very little then still have to come home & start again here. Its also not ideal with kids at school being that distance away. My little one has quite frequent trips to the eye hospital 40 minutes away which mean I have to chop & change things with the people I clean for fairly often. This would be very difficult if I worked anywhere else. Dh`s job prevents me from doing anything in evenings & weekends because he just goes away on business at the drop of a hat. Hes away again this weekend until mon or tues evening.

To be honest, I never thought about how moving here would affect me when the dcs went to school. When we were looking all I was thinking was "good schools within half hour of dhs work" I had a child at home at the time so working during the school day wasnt something I was thinking of. I do feel pretty much trapped here in this current situation as long as I want the girls to attend their current school.

Everyone I speak to tells me I am better off just staying where I am in this nice large (ish) comfortable house with no money worries. But to me thats not the be all & end all. Its not as if I am even allowed to spend as I wish without being questioned about it, yet dh can waste hundreds on pointless cr@p whenever he likes because as he keeps saying "I earn the money & Ill spend it on what I like" Yet I had to manage for 3 years without a tumble dryer with two babies because he didnt see it as a necessity. (Then he complained when I lagged the radiators with drying clothes ) I wasnt in the position to just go out & buy one myself because we had no credit card back then, & of course, I had no money of my own to buy one with.

Im pretty torn as to what to do really. On the one hand it would be a lot easier to stay here & carry on as usual, but on the other hand, I think ive put up with enough & I want out of this loveless pointless charade of a marriage. I want to start again, just me & the dc`s.

Im having a lovely weekend without dh. Its nice being able to get up & slob about for once without him sneering at me accusing me of being lazy. None of us has even bothered to get dressed yet. Im hoping to take the dc`s out this afternoon to a local production. Something we probably wouldnt of done if dh was here. Better have a quick bath & make lunch I suppose before we go out.

I Sparkle - nice to see you're having a lovely time! Do you have a joint accoutn? Or does he give you 'housekeeping'? IMO it shouldn't be about the money (i dont earn either, but I work just as hard!) You will need to think about money at some stage. You do deserve better, and so dothe dc.
have a nice time this afternoon it's cold here and we are going to be in the garden!.

Hi captainmummy, Yes, we have a joint account, credit cards etc that I look after as well as everything else. I do all the bills, money etc, he just moans about how much I spend. You are right in that it shouldnt be about the money. Theres no way I would of married him if I thought it was going to be on a "my money, your money" basis. I could never of gone along with the whole separate bank accounts & being given a set amount for "housekeeping" & the rest is his to do as he wishes that a lot of people seem to do. Thats not a proper partnership IMO. If dh wants some cash I give him some of mine if ive got it, & if hes got it he will give it to me (but ask what I want it for first ) I dont know what he thinks the money is spent on. I have my hair cut about once a year, dont go to the gym or anything, shop as cheaply as I can, yet he still moans. Its not my fault Christmas is coming up. We do have to buy presents for the families (well I do) so understandably the credit card bill will be higher than usual.

The dc are being lazy & cant be bothered to get dressed & go out today. They are having fun playing upstairs. Little one has bad cough, so possibly for the best anyway. Shame, I was looking forward to seeing that play.

Hope you have a nice afternoon in the garden. Dont get too cold.

Hi everyone, bit of an update for you here.

Just had the weekend from hell. My sister & brother in law had agreed to come & take the girls out for the evening, & then on to stay at my parents house so dh & I could have an evening out together. I was really excited & went out with my sister during the day & had my hair done for the first time in months. Everyone complimented me on it when we got back except dh who said "it doesnt effect me"

We had previously agreed to help out at the school fair in the afternoon & dh was fine there, laughing & joking with people. We didnt get home until about 530pm & he proceeded to switch on the hot water "for a bath" I told him we were supposed to be going out so he went up for a shower instead. Then after my sister & the kids left he decided he was ill & didnt want to go out. We sat there eating a takeaway chatting together fairly nicely while watching a film on TV. By 1130pm I had to go to bed because it had been a tiring day & I still was recovering from a nasty cold id had for the last week. Dh stayed up on his own drinking over a bottle of wine & didnt come up to bed until 3am.

At this point I was so angry with him for not making an effort to save our relationship. I queried him again as to why he wasnt trying. He said he didnt feel like going out & that I go out all the time. (During the day to do shopping, pick up kids, see my mum, etc etc) Thats not what I call going out. Last time we went out together in the evening was about 5 years ago. I dont get to go out in the evenings at all because of the dc, yet he goes out on his business trips all the time.

I cant understand why he isnt even trying for the sake of the kids. He obviously doesnt think ill ever really end the marriage no matter how badly he treats me.

I managed to get an appointment for us to see relate in a few weeks time, but he has refused to go, despite previously having agreed.

My mother seems to think that I should just put up with being treated like a bit of sh1t on his shoe for the sake of the kids. "Cheers mum"

Why am I banging my head up against a brick wall? He clearly does love the dc, so why is he forcing me to make a decision that will take them away from him?

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON?????

SparklePrincess, I have just read your thread and you have my deepest sympathy. I am in EXACTLY the same boat as you, its been going on a few years now and I have too have reached a point where I can no longer take the verbal abuse or neglect. Your last post really hit a chord with me 'he clearly does love the dc, so why is he forcing me to make a decision that will take them away from him' I never really recognised that before, but yes, how totally STUPID. Hes a really good dad and has a terrific bond with the dc, they are 8 and 12, don't these stupid men think about what they will lose if we finally give up and walk away. How are you feeling today? I am really low after yet another horrid conversation, you know how is goes, its all 'my fault' etc, and yes I think DH hates me too. He never shows any affection whatsoever, no physical relationship or anything. I am a kept woman/housekeeper/nanny..

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I'm thinking of you.

You seem to be trying so very hard to do everything you can to save this relationship. Despite the fact that he is a good dad, he's just not being a good husband.

There's nothing trivial about feeling so alone and unloved.

Unforunately something will make you snap one day and you may well make that decision to taken the dc's away from him. But the blame will lie with him.

I'm in a very similar position and I know deep down that I will be seriously looking into my rights re divorce in the new year. Am leaving this until after xmas for the sake of my dc's.

Sorry to hear you are in the same boat as me 247. It seems there are plenty of us in here unfortunately.

Im pretty low today myself. Spent most of the time looking up websites about divorce. It really is the LAST thing in the world I want, but we simply cannot continue like this for all of our sakes.

It seems that since dh & I had our first conversation a few weeks ago where he told me he didnt love me etc etc, that he now doesnt feel the need to even pretend to care about me. He doesnt even badger me for sex anymore like he used to, which to me really means its over for him. Perhaps he`s even getting it elsewhere? He would rather fall asleep on the sofa than come up at the same time as me. What does he think im going to do, jump on him or something? At this moment in time I wouldnt touch him with somebody elses.

Hi MuthaHoHoHubbard, Sounds like you are in here with us too.

My plan is to give the dc one last family christmas with both of us whatever I may be feeling inside. But something needs to be done about a formal separation in the new year unless dh radically changes his tune by then.

I know Sparkle. It's awful in a way because from the outside things look okay and there's no real abuse as such but until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes....

I too am a regular divorce website surfer!! You can never have too much info.

A good thing to remember is how bloody angry he makes you, that will stand you in good stead in the future.

I feel more frustrated & upset than angry with him at the moment. I also feel sorry for him in a funny kind of way. He is going to miss out on so much of the dc`s lives through his own selfishness & sheer bloodymindedness. The worst thing is though that the dc will miss out on what is essentially a good father.

your existance sounds a perfect carbon copy of mine SparkelPrincess, though I can bear the thought to walk away even though I am in tears every single day, I wish I could just ignore his independant ways and not let it bother me but it cuts thro me like a knife each and every day. It also means giving up the DC every other weekend and some holidays too and some xmas etc, have you thought of that? I couldnt bear to be parted from my DC for just one day

247 - yes it will be hard, but I'm sure the dc will be happy and very well cared for, and come home having missed you.

Plus you will have time for yourself and in turn be a happier mummy, which makes happier dc's.

Yes they are good fathers, which is wonderful. But they also need to be good husbands.

Not sure what you actually want, here. Are you saying that if dh were to change his ways, you'd be willing to stick with him? It sounds like you're crying out for him to show you some respect/care/attention/love, but he's just not "seeing" you. Ultimately, however, the best person to do that for you is you yourself. What would happen if you began distancing yourself from him (as you will if you do separate)? If you changed your hairstyle, glammed up a bit, developed a social life apart from him and just treated him politely but coolly? This would have to be for your own self-esteem, rather than to force a reaction (they can always tell!) but it's odd how often men start looking at us differently again, once they perceive that we are not "there" for them. Just a thought.......

I can see where you are coming from there 247. I certainly dont relish the idea of being on my own without the dc for weekends & holidays. At the moment they are my family & theyre all ive got. Being apart from them doesnt bear thinking about now & you want to cling on to the dc because they love you even if he doesnt. However you will slowly build a new life for yourself after the split & may well appreciate a small break from the dc. And as MHHH said, you know the dc will be happy & well cared for when they are with him, & thats the main thing.

I just want what everyone else wants clam. A partner who loves & respects me & doesnt see me as an unpaid servant. Someone who realises & appreciates how much I actually do (paid or unpaid) & doesnt think im a worthless piece of sh1t just because im not some superwoman who works full time & does everything at home as well. I dont expect huge changes, but a simple "hello" when he walks in the door, "thank you" for his dinner, perhaps even the odd conversation. It would be nice if he would stay in the same room as me & not avoid me like the plague & not sit up drinking (hes not usually a big drinker) after ive gone to bed & wait until im asleep before he comes up to bed too.

Developing a social life of my own would be nice, but I have no one here to socialize with & no confidence or self esteem. Perhaps my younger sister will be around this weekend, then I could leave the dc with my parents & go out with her. I honestly dont think dh would care though.

What I meant was: do you want to stay with him, or split up? Have you had enough of him, or could he win you back if he altered his attitude towards you? And either way, it would be good for your self-esteem to boost yourself (and as a by-product, show him what he's missing!) If he can act as if hes separate and independent from you, then why can't you?

If he changed his attitude then I would stay because its best for the children. You are right that I need to do something to boost my own self esteem whatever happens. Its hard to do that when its pretty much on the floor though. Perhaps I should just find myself an evening job a couple of nights a week (not easy out here in the sticks) & make him organize his business trips around it?

Still here. Still no further forward. Its getting more painful by the day & im finding it very hard to stop myself from crying. Dh is away all week thankfully so things are much easier. Just got to get through Christmas day with him somehow. My parents are refusing to come to our house saying that we need to have this last day together as a family. In my opinion I need them to come because I seriously doubt ill be able to hold it together on the actual day.
Life is so unfair. Two years ago we moved here & life seemed so full of promise, now I cant see anything but dispair. I have no support whatsoever & im sinking fast.
Why doesnt he love me anymore?

So sorry you're going through this, SP. I really hope you find the strength to do what makes you happy after Christmas. You have the right to be happy and to have a life of your own worth living.

Lots of luck to you,

xx

(((hug)))

I'm so sorry you are feeling so very sad at the mo, but it's understandable as you seem to have no support whatsoever at the moment (I'm lucky in having my family near).

Am hoping that for you, Christmas won't be as bad as the actual thought of it/build up iyswim. On the actual day things might not seem so bad as hopefully you'll be so engrossed with the happiness of the children and their excitement that it might not turn out as bad as you imagine.

You are not alone, the things you describe are exactly how things are in my house, the not speaking, one entering the room and the other leaving and one waiting till the other is asleep before going to bed. We even go out separately, this friday he is at his works xmas do and I am at mine!!! I must admit though that it is no longer just dh who does this, I do it as well now as it's been going on for such a long time.

I sort of float along above all the sh!t as if I actually sat down and thought about it too much, I'd cry. I actually inadvertanly found out yesterday he is planning to return home to south africa for new year alone, not that he'd told me (found out from an answerphone message)

The only thing I can suggest is try to concentrate on making your dc's christmas happy (which I'm sure you are anyway) and concentrate on that rather than your feelings at the mo - understand that is easier said that done. Not saying to forget how unhappy you are and how you are feeling, but maybe attempt to put them in a box marked 'Only to be opened after 01.01.08'.

Am thinking of you SP.

So is the general consensus that he must still be seeing the OW if he is behaving this way?

Sorry - posted on the wrong thread!!!!

SP - sorry I was following a few threads and got mixed up. What is your man saying to you at the moment. Is he saying he is going to leave or is he thinking about things still? Is counselling a possiblity?

Sparkle - knowing what you know now, how would you like things to be? Realistically? Because you cannot allow yourself to be trampled over by this man. It's all very well staying together for the children, but not if it causes such misery - that's not helping them at all.

Would you rather he stayed there and you carried on, in limbo until the children were older?

Or, would you like him to move out - give each other some space and take it from there?

Or, could you move out?

I'd put in stay and work at it - but I dont see how you can if he's not willing to try.