I think dh & I are going to split up. Not sure what to do.

[SparklePrincess]

He admitted yesterday that he doesnt love me & hasnt been happy for years. My issues with him are he refuses to put me or the children first & I feel like an unpaid unappreciated housekeeper in my own home. He comes home from work & does his own thing. Doesnt even speak to me when were in the same room. Its like a kind of mental torture. Ive put up with it because I want the children to have a so called proper family & I honestly have no idea what will happen to us. The split seems inevitable now that he has admitted what was blatantly obvious really.
What do we do? How will we manage? I dont know where to start. All I want is a family.

But I know it's tough, it's not a decision you can take lightly. Why don't you go to Relate-- even if he won't come, you can do it on your own...

I don't really have advice but i'm thinking of you. Hope things get better very soon

Dont enter the split side easily. You may be happier or you may not, but the kids do get affected. I strongly suggest using all facilities to attempt to resolve the situation, after all something got you two together in the first place. Its easy to drift apart, harder to hold it together, but I do recommend the work it out path first. If it can't be then its up to you obviously and you do whatever you feel is needed.

Hi captainmummy, Im glad someone is thinking of me.
Dh finally decided to ring me at 11pm to tell me he was going to bed He refused to discuss anything & didnt deny it when I spoke about the fact that he`d said he didnt love me the other day. He didnt say it was said in anger & he doesnt really mean it or anything, so he basically just stuck the knife in again.

He`s been phoning me today & ive been ignoring him because I dont want the idle chit chat we usually have when he calls me. Its simply prolonging my agony & I wish he would stop. Why behave as normal during the day then change once he gets home? theres no sense in that. I answered the phone once we came home from school & he wondered why I wasnt keen to make conversation with him. He said we will talk later. Sounds very familiar.

Sorry everyone else, I wasnt ignoring you honest. Just saw captainmummys reply & replied to her. Didnt even notice anyone else had posted TBH. I must be losing the plot.
Not sure if anything can be salvaged when he so obviously doesnt love me, or even like me. He certainly doesnt respect me.

Hi Sparkle - I hope you and dh have been able to talk? It sounds to me tho as if he doesn't actually want to change anything or initiate any change, but doesn't want to make things better either. It's always easier just to let things lie! So you can either do that too, or you will have to initiate things instead. Both options are painful and I really feel for you.

Just to say i'm still following your thread and look forward to seeing you post a smile. Have you had any luck with talking?

We eventually managed to speak on Friday night. Or rather I spoke & he just sat there like "whatever" It was like talking to a brick wall. He has said he is prepared to try with some of the things ive mentioned, like making more of an effort with the children & finishing DIY jobs. And to give him credit, he has done lots of unfinished jobs this weekend & paid a bit more attention to the kids. With regards to our actual relationship, I think he thinks of it as a dead duck, but has agreed to come to Relate & try. (Ill be surprised if he does though because that would mean taking time off work.) I mentioned at one point that it would really suit him if I was involved in a car accident & died. He actually went red when I said that so its obviously true. The overwhelming impression I get is that he absolutely hates me, really detests me, but is willing to tolerate me & pacify me because it suits him for things to continue as they are. Also he wouldnt want to lose the kids of course.

He announced this morning that he is off on a business trip today & may or may not be back tomorrow evening. Then he phoned me this morning as usual to see how the kids went into school. Then said he had to go because someone was standing next to him. (Obviously had enough of talking to me then)

So the options are we basically carry on as if nothing has happened, which is easy for him, but for me, I now know that my husband cant stand the sight of me & is only here for the kids. Can my sanity take that?

It will have to be sorted at some point. For a start, theres no way I can have sex with him anymore. It was hard enough before, but now it would be impossible. Whos to say hes not getting it elsewhere though on his business trips?

Im not sure I can live with that set up. I feel so alone, like I only exist to make other peoples lives easier but im not allowed one of my own.
If it wasnt for the kids I would be out of that door like a shot. But they are finally getting the support they need now & it would do serious damage I fear to the eldest if she had to start again. The poor child is so shy & has no self esteem, she virtually walks around with a sign saying "bully me" which thank god isnt happening at this school.

I wish I could see into the future.

What does he mean about you "stabbing him in the back" when you and he have a conversation, Sparkle? In order to backstab him you would have to be relaying it to someone else, surely?

Sending you hugs and strength.

Thats what I dont understand SHPHH. I think he must just mean that I use everything as an excuse to have a go or something. But how is that possible if we dont even have conversations in the first place? Hes not even giving things a chance by just not speaking in the first place. Of course, its perfectly fine for him to tell me im lazy, & a cr@p housewive & cook. Hes never said im a bad mum, but only because he hasnt got a leg to stand on in that one as my girls adore me. I am their no 1 & he knows it. He comes a very poor second as far as they are concerned. Its hardly surprising though considering his attitude.

I think you need to tell him he doesn't understand the meaning of "backstabbing" SP and that if he is going to accuse you of something then he needs to get the term right otherwise how can you stop doing what you are apparently doing which upsets him!

Hi Sparkle - it is possible to have 2 separate lives in the same house, I know at least 1 cuople who have done this, for the sake of the kids. If you think the kids are better off with dh as it is, then why not move him into his own room, he can do what he wants, come and go as he wants, so long as he continues to help with dc, DIY, ect. And leave you to get on with your life, with your dc, no sex, no conversation, no insults, no stress from him.
Treat him like a lodger. He doesn't seem to want any more, no intimacy, no conversation etc.
and tell him to stop phoning. Unless he has something to say.

Hi Sparkle. I havent read everything but it sounds like youre married to my husband! i can relate to EVERYTHING you say. The talking to a brick wall etc. I feel the same way and i know this is a very difficult time for you. I just hope that you have the strength to do whats right for you and your family. Ill be thinking of you

I would love to do that captainmummy. I think the dc would be upset though.

Thanks EzrasMummy. Its amazing the amount of people who are saying the same thing. It seems that the vast majority of men are selfish @rseholes. I think I may encourage my girls to be lesbians.

Lol. I don't think i could live with things as they were. Why not see how relate goes and go from there. Is there no way you can imagine having a sexual relationship with him? What if things were to get better with relate and maybe you went away for weekend? Built up having a intimate relationship again rather than for the sake of it? Sorry if thats not much help.

Not sure what to say other than you aren't the only one and it seems like several of us are married to the same guy.

I would take captainmummy's advice myself if I had a spare room!! We even joke about the fact that we are like lodgers, but he said that if I was a lodger at least he'd get rent off me....nice.

Lesbianism may yet be the way forward!

You know what, the thought of being on your own is more daunting than the reality. You CAN do it on your own, and you know what...it's the most rewarding job in the world being a single mum.
If you want to work, ask at your local primary school if there are any classroom assisting jobs, the hols are perfect.
You're clearly not happy, your dh isnt happy, do you really believe your kids are happy in that enviroment?
It's hard, I know that, but be honest, face reality, make a decision... maybe you can rekindle the flame, but it takes two to do that.
I hope you and your kids are ok and wish you every happiness sweety.

xmx

just to say yes, recognise your pain and situation: as a few others have said, looks like a lot of us are all in the same marriage here!

wishing you all the best, whatever that may be.

Thanks for replies everyone. Santasmissyontheside (great name btw) I could consider having a sexual relationship with him again if I thought there were some feelings there on his part. At the moment though when he`s made it plainly obvious that he hates my guts, im not sure that can happen.

Thanks for the support michellexmx, I know I can cope with being a single mum. I think a lot of us are pretty much single mums anyway arent we whether we are with a dp/dh or not? I had a friend who was on her own with 3 dcs & she actually felt sorry for me because I always had another person to consider before I did anything, where she could do exactly as she pleased. (Within reason) If it wasnt for the probable damage to the dcs then the decision would be easy.

Dh is away today. (Our 9th Anniversary) He hasnt even called me today yet. Probably doesnt want to risk having a conversation with me incase I get upset. Im fine though at the moment. Its just another day & ive already defrosted the freezer & cleaned & put things away where he was working in the bathroom at the weekend. Probably for the best if he doesnt come home until tomorrow.

My sister has offered to look after the dc`s so we can go out together next time they are in the area in a few weeks time. They have even managed to get my parents to agree to having them all stay over at their house so dh & I can have the entire night without anyone disturbing us. Its very sweet of them. Dh seemed up for it when I mentioned it to him. Its a start I suppose.

sounds promising. is it you that he hates or more possibly the relationship you have at the moment?

Dont know. Me I think. He just phoned to say goodnight to the girls. Said he will ring again later. I wont hold my breath.
People keep wishing me a happy Anniversary. LOL. Had a nice afternoon with my girls making the most yummy cakes ever. Going to read some bedtime stories now. Been a good day despite everything.

It was our anniversary the other day too. :-). Glad you had a good day with girls. Don't give up all hope you sound slightly hopeful?

Probably because dh hasnt been here since yesterday morning.
Will see what happens I suppose. Whatever we decide the children will have this christmas with both parents. I wouldnt take that away from them.

Well hopefully with some help next year can be a fresh start. Have you looked into booking relate? Maybe if you get that ball rolling u'll give him a kick up the arse. Even if you went alone to get your head straight.