Lack of text messaging... Do I move on or text?

[doitexthim]

I've been seeing a guy from OLD for around a month now, we've seen each other 2-3 times a week, so quite a lot... He's always been consistent with texting 'good morning/night' and sending little updates/photos throughout the day. We've slept together 3 times. We met up on Sunday evening and had a lovely time, and he mentioned meeting up again tomorrow for a dinner date, which he was going to organise and book.

To be honest, he's been a lot more keen than I have (compliments etc.) He texts first most of the time and he told me he hasn't been on Tinder since we met, whereas I've been quite open with the fact that I've been checking my Tinder.

The last time I heard from him was Monday where he expressed what a lovely time he had the night before, wished me a good morning... then it's been radio silence. I heard nothing from him yesterday, or today so far, but he's been very active on social media. I don't feel like I want to text him to chase and pursue, I've always been a believer that if a man is truly interested he will make that clear. The thing is, I've had a couple of other offers of dates for tomorrow, but I've said no because I was meant to be meeting this guy for dinner...

Do I text him or leave it? I feel like I should accept other invitations, as he hasn't messaged to confirm anything, or tell me he's booked anything, and it's been radio silent which is very unlike him since Monday... IME lack of text messaging is usually the beginning of the end...

[quote doitexthim]@Notmoresugar This is my exact attitude. To be honest, my temptation to text him now doesn't come out of wanting to meet him anymore, it comes more from annoyance at people being able to just get away with this (especially after sleeping with someone multiple times), with no real consequences. This is exactly why I continue to date around and don't properly commit to any man (e.g. coming off Tinder) before he's made his intentions clear. I've been burnt too many times.[/quote]
Maybe the problem is sleeping with them. Maybe hold off a bit.

@BoodlesPoodle

I have to wonder if the posters who thought OP gave an impression she wasn’t keen have dated recently. This pattern is very normal.

I protect my emotions by not sleeping with them / slowing the pace right down - but the ghosting, breadcrumbs, even negging, still hurts.

I've been OLD for 4 loooong years and have only become more like OP recently after so many negative experiences with ghosting, bread crumbing etc. Think it's self-preservation.

When I first joined OLD the thought of dating/chatting to multiple guys horrified me and I didn't realise how 'normal' or accepted it was. In fact I met a lovely guy who i was really interested in and ruined it by assuming we were exclusive - I now look back & cringe!!

However, the guy OP was dating sounds like he could be one of the exceptions and has taken her approach as her not being interested in him.

I think he's realised you're not too bothered either way and so has decided to cool it down.

He obviously wasn’t right for you. We’ve all been there. At least you know xx

He got sex 3 times in a month, which he probably enjoyed at the time but now it's boosted his ego thinking he could get it easily elsewhere.. And now he has no incentive to chase you or make an effort. He wants to keep you as a backup but doesn't want to commit to the next date. Bin him off and don't give them sex so soon would be my suggestion. But if that's what you wanted fine. OLD seems to be for just hookups really, whatever is written in profiles or said via DM's all the guys really want is sex nowadays apart from the odd, very rare exception. I hope you are keeping yourself safe from STI's too.. guys on dating sites sleep with loads of women.

I think you're the problem actually.

Why wouldn't you text him those 2 days?
Playing games rarely works out well.

@tobedtoMNandfart

I don't get OLD these days. You've been together a month, slept with him 3 times but you'd rather bin him off than ASK him what tomorrow's arrangements are / if he is OK?

This! It’s a pretty uneven relationship when one person won’t even text to ask about the dinner the other has suggested- he is the one who should be questioning your interest here.

@BoodlesPoodle

I have to wonder if the posters who thought OP gave an impression she wasn’t keen have dated recently. This pattern is very normal.

I protect my emotions by not sleeping with them / slowing the pace right down - but the ghosting, breadcrumbs, even negging, still hurts.

I’m dating and was on tinder and bumble until recently. I don’t play games. I don’t multi-date. If a man makes it clear he likes me, I tell him I like him. If I meet someone I like, I hide my OLD profile. If I get a text message, i reply at a convenient time. If I want to check arrangements, I ask. I really don’t understand why people wouldn’t do this.

As someone who online dated up until the pandemic, and has enjoyed the date free time so much I've decided to remain single...im done, I think you have the absolutely right attitude to old.
The only thing I don't agree with us him always being the one to make the dates and initiate contact.
I think the not becoming invested, continuing to see others and taking it slow and casual is all bang on. But I think you can still do that while also doing 50% of the 'dating work' with someone.
You were right to message and as you say his response gives you all of the required information. I wouldn't bother messaging back. Accept one of your other dates and forget about this one he obviously isn't going to be honest at this point....next.

Hi op, your gut is spot on. And your experience has taught you well. Last time I dated old was not around, but men were acting the same. And women are too these days. They look very interested, first to make contact, and lots of it, then they just vanish and eventually emerge with someone else and you wonder how could it happen? And when? When they were all busy showering you with attention.
If you think about it, it goes the same for friendships. One minute you’re so close to someone they tell you lots of intimate stuff or you get invited to their place all the time, the next they tell you they are leaving the country in a month’s time with all set. They don’t tell you they are thinking about it, they tell you when it’s all set up.
All in all, don’t beat yourself about it. You were honest, did the mature thing of asking if you were still on for dinner, now you can make plans with other people. Be happy your instinct served you right.🤗

I think if a man is interested in you, he will 'chase' so to speak. When I say he usually texts first, what I mean is the typical 'good morning/night'... I would often initiate conversation during the day, for example sending him little photos of things that I think he would laugh at. I would never chase a man, and certainly not one from OLD. Been there, done that.

And yes, in a normal world exchanging 'I like you/am enjoying our time together' and starting a sexual relationship should be the start of something exclusive. Unfortunately, it's not. Been there, done that. I'm not going to commit to a man until he has explicitly shown me he's committing to me, because saying 'I like you', 'I've never felt this way about anyone before', 'The sex is amazing', 'I want to do weekends/holidays/trips with you' (that they never book or materialise), 'I can see a future with you'... To be frank, it means fuck all. If I had a pound for every man who said the above to me from OLD only to then ghost or breadcrumb I would be a very rich woman! I very much doubt he stopped using Tinder, unless he met someone else within 24 hours of sleeping with me, it's just another line that they use. Sorry if I sound cynical, but that's been my experience.

I've got other plans for tonight now anyway, I managed to rearrange with one of the other guys who had asked me

Don't play games, what's the point? Just ask him if he's okay. Text him saying good morning. If he doesn't reply send a polite message saying you'll stop texting now as he obviously doesn't want to chat to you. Say that if he wants to get in touch to drop you a text. That leaves the ball in his court (and obviously if he gets in touch weeks later with no good reason you can tell him where to shove it!)

Fuck me! I don't think I'd survive OLD!!

It must be like buying a pair of shoes - i can never settle for the first pair that catches my eye i have to try every other shop. I inevitably go back for the first pair and have sometimes found them to be sold!

I think PP are right in saying hold back on the sex. I know i wouldn't do that as in the dim and distant past slept with a LOT of men, thinking that they would have an emotional connection just because we've shsgged. Not the case at all and it ruined my self esteem. I can only imagine its worse with OLD as it seems to be available at a swipe.

Don't get me wrong, i think casual sex and ONS are great IF both parties are on the same page but maybe im just old and romantic but i reckon a fair few get hurt.

If i were "dating" id expect exclusivity pretty much from day one. It may be a one day relationship, but dont date me whilst keepingyour options open. Have the decency to be honest.

Sometimes the world befuddles me

He may have had kept other women interested as well, but as things developed he may want to see where that might go. I know a guy that had come out of a long relationship and started dating other women at the same time. He had two very interested in him, including his ex. He was also dating his current partner, who always acted aloof and did not get too invested as she knew it was a rebound relationship for him. He disappeared on her for a week, then he casually emerged and carried on being very interested. It later transpired that he was busy finishing it of with the other women as he had decided on his current partner. So yes, you are right, if they are interested they will show it.

I agree with you op , you don’t have to text guys constantly. If they like you ( even if they’re shy or whatever) they will pursue you. It doesn’t mix with my feminist brain but it’s the reality I’ve seen when I OLD for 5 plus years.
I’m glad you have a new date set up !

@User5747384

"In his position I would go quiet on someone who said they were still on Tinder."

Me too.

Same. Why would he invest in someone who wants to keep their options open? He told you he’s not seeing or interested in other women as he only likes you yet you’ve told him you’re still exercising your options He’s doing the right thing here backing away. I’d do the same.

@luckylavender

I think you're the problem actually.

I agree. I’m actually perplexed at some of the responses here castigating a guy who you’re dating who enjoys spending time with you and told you he’s only interested in you and doesn’t want to see or sleep with other girls but then finds out that you still want to see other guys and keep your options open. What exactly has he done wrong here backing off? How is he the problem? How is he the one that’s wasted someone else’s time here?!!

But now apparently he’s a jackass and a time-waster because he dated you and slept with you but only wants to date you and no-one else?!! That’s literally the opposite of a jackass and a time waster.

Of course he’s cooled off about meeting for another date with you. Why would he if you’ve told him he’s an opinion? You’re cross at him for not being enthusiastic about your upcoming date but why would he after what you told him? The fact that you’d go on another date doesn’t change the fact that he knows he’s just an option to you. He hasn’t done anything wrong here at all. If the male/female roles were reversed in this situation, a woman would be getting very different advice on here.

Why doesn’t the guy say something then rather than going cold and pretending he’s busy at work? Hardly the behaviour of a great guy ! He could say - I’m not up for meeting anymore as I think we want different things or because you’re still on tinder that’s not for me. Instead he’s ghosted, made stuff up and left op hanging for a dinner date

You were on the money OP. I’ve been there. Never wrong about that instinct. When I met my partner on tinder, I always knew he was interested. And I was cynical too so I made him chase a bit. Some people have no idea what it’s like on the tinder scene.

I don't think I've played games at all.

I was honest from the beginning - that I was still on Tinder - but interested to see where it went with him. I told him I liked him, was enjoying his company, sex, wanted to see and date him more. It wasn't a conversation about commitment where he was rebuffed, declaring how much he liked me and because of that he wasn't on Tinder anymore and asking how I felt. It was passing comments of 'Oh I haven't checked it in a couple of weeks', 'I haven't really been on it since I met you'.

And besides the point, if he did feel upset about me still being on Tinder - he could have just straight up asked me if I'd like to be his girlfriend / what was going on. He is 40. And funnily enough, it wasn't enough to put him off shagging me again, just enough to put him off taking me out on an actual date!

Add to this he has also got 2 teenage daughters, I wonder what his attitude would be if a bloke was so off put by them still being on Tinder (when no actual commitment has been laid out by said bloke, just vague statements), but was still prepared to shag them one last time.

I see this on here all the time. "He hasn't texted me so I won't text him" or "he always texts first and now he isn't so we haven't spoken for days".

Do people not realise that if both parties are thinking the other has to message first then no one will ever message?

No wonder everyone involved remains single

I'm glad you've got a date with someone else fixed up OP - and I wanted to add that I think you are doing OLD exactly right.

Do not listen to those who talk about 'game playing' etc - they are the types who will be overly-invested, believing every evasive lie men come up with, putting all their eggs in one basket, being bread-crumbed etc.

You are dead right. Men are hunters. They chase what they want, even when what they want runs away.

Be aware though that a tactic some men do is to back off to see what the woman does. If the woman chases, they lose interest because the woman has shown she doesn't value herself. By texting him, you showed you could be devalued. A woman who values herself does not chase a man.

Dating is when expectations have to be set. Men should be initiating most dates and most texts at the start, because men hold more power than women do, in the world and in dating.

Making a date elsewhere, may well have raised your value with this man. Don't be surprised if he pops up at short notice, or tomorrow, wanting to re-arrange.

I couldn't be bothered with him personally, even if he did.

Dp not let others on this thread make you doubt yourself, OP - your instincts were excellent, the way you do OLD is the ONLY way to do it successfully, and I think you will meet your person if you carry on that way.