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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I or should I not bother with my sister?

54 replies

giletrouge · 14/04/2021 09:53

Dear Wise Mumsnetters – help me decide on this one! It’s my birthday today, I’m 66. That’s just context. I’m pretty introverted and not interested in birthday fuss. I lead quite a quiet life these days with my partner. Got two lovely grown up children and three lovely small grandchildren. Backstory – my family of origin were pretty shit – although I now realise they could in fact have been far worse. But I haven’t seen any of them for years. I’m the youngest (by far) of four girls. Both parents died a long time ago and my oldest sis died a few years ago. My next up from me sis (eight years older) is on Facebook; we are not friends on FB but both aware of each other. Thereby most relevant backstory but without the emotional bits.
So this morning I’m pootling about on Facebook when I get a notification that my sis has shared a photo of mine. I don’t post many pix of myself in fact hardly any, it’s not what I use Fb for. This is therefore a nearly 3 yr old pic. She captions it with (not the exact words) this is my sis, she’s 66 today, we had nothing in common and drifted apart not seen her for thirty years or so x.
It’s fine, I’m not fussed about her saying what she wants and sharing this.
However my impulse is to reply on her post – something like – you may have drifted apart but I made a conscious decision.
Am I mad, just poking a long sleeping bear, totally pointless exercise? Or should I give in to my – admittedly slightly malicious – impulse to chip in my own comment on her post?
One way is dignified silence – the second way is to possibly open it all up – do I really want to even contemplate that level of nonsense?
Thoughts gratefully received, thank you.

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 14/04/2021 10:04

As much as I'd also be tempted I'm going to say don't do it. She clearly has unfinished business otherwise she'd be keeping the same dignified silence after all these years as you have. I would just block her and move on, that way you'll never see triggering things like this again. You already have the moral high ground, keep it.

Laska2Meryls · 14/04/2021 10:26

Oh definitely ignore...I was in the same position with my sister ...we recently had to meet at a funeral and subsequently communicate over parents deaths and wills.. She used the opportunity to try and go over and blame me for all her perceived injustices in family matters over the last 60 years.. ( even before I was born!)
The small amount of contact we had before I got solicitor involved and everything went through them convinced me that the previous after 30 years of not being so had indeed been the right decision !!

Orgasmagorical · 14/04/2021 10:31

Oo, I would be sorely tempted, giletrouge, but agree that you're better leaving her to be the one seen to be trying to get attention from your birthday.

Happy Birthday! Cake

Onelifeonly · 14/04/2021 10:34

Ignore. And just view "drifted apart" as a phrase that covers all sorts of scenarios. I'm sure it's often used in that way as a euphemism for whatever did happen, so if you see it like that, it's your truth as well.

Laska2Meryls · 14/04/2021 10:36

Oh and Happy Birthday !!

Ughmaybenot · 14/04/2021 10:37

Leave it, block her.
It would be embarrassing to alllll involved to comment and give this dramatic show airtime. There’s nothing to be achieved. Very odd behaviour from your sister, blocking will stop you seeing anything like it again.

giletrouge · 14/04/2021 10:40

Ha ha - bless you, you're all encouraging me to be the bigger, wiser person. I suspect this is what I need to do and what I need to hear but the desire to provoke a little truth-telling confrontation is strong. Not worth it, you are all probably right.
I'm glad I posted here. Smile

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 14/04/2021 10:40

It's my birthday today too! Happy Birthday Grin

I have a similar family situation, NC with sister and dad. Both have form for pulling 'public' shit like this on SM with a twist to make themselves look good. Honestly I'd just leave it. Don't air your dirty laundry in public and all that, plus it'll make you feel worse on what should be a nice day Smile

Some people aren't worth the drama. Happy birthday again!

Overdueanamechange · 14/04/2021 10:40

Happy Birthday Flowers
Leave it. Just make sure your privacy settings are set to friends only.

giletrouge · 14/04/2021 10:41

Interesting that people think it's odd of her to do this - that bit hadn't occured to me.
Still in a bit of the old FOG. After shed-loads of therapy.

OP posts:
giletrouge · 14/04/2021 10:43

Sparklfairy Happy Birthday to you too! Cake
Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes. Feel a bit tearful now.
Blasted families.

OP posts:
MaverickMum86 · 14/04/2021 10:46

I've got 6 sisters and only talk to 2 of them (incidentally, they are the oldest 2 who actually share the same dad as me). I have a basic rule regarding social media: never discuss religion, politics or family dynamics.

Ughmaybenot · 14/04/2021 10:49

Oh yes, and wishing you a very happy birthday Cake

EL8888 · 14/04/2021 10:50

Another vote to ignore

Happy Birthday!

giletrouge · 14/04/2021 10:55

So it's unanimous. Therefore I'd be an arse if I went against the collective wisdom. Got it! Wise lot you are. (Why do I not know this yet for myself at 66? Grin )

OP posts:
blue1000 · 14/04/2021 10:57

I'd be very tempted to post something and not let it go. But I don't know when to keep my mouth shut and it only causes problems. Agree that it's far better to ignore. I sometimes write a response but don't send it. Just writing it seems to assuage my 'get even' devil side.

ThePontiacBandit · 14/04/2021 10:58

Happy birthday OP! It’s my DD’s birthday today too.

I wouldn’t waste any energy on this. Her behaviour is ego-centric and weird. Why post this? She’s not wishing you happy birthday! It’s all about her on your birthday. Is your profile open if she’s used one of your photos?
I’d consider blocking her if this continues.
Anyway, have a lovely day, put her out of your mind.

Cam2020 · 14/04/2021 10:58

I think she probably wants you to respond so she can regain some power in some way - either in baiting you into a response or playing victim to others (or both). Really tempting, but just ignore. You made the conscious decision to back away, stick with it a don't grant her any power. It's abut desperate on her part, really.

Have a lovely birthday with your partner and loved ones Flowers

romdowa · 14/04/2021 11:08

I'd probably just block her on facebook so she couldnt see my page and that I couldn't see hers and be tempted to say something.

emmabridgewatertoast · 14/04/2021 11:10

Agree with all PP above but also think you should report pic as yours so FB contact her and take it down!

Happy Birthday! X

giletrouge · 14/04/2021 11:15

blue1000 yes that's what I'm like too! You're right I should just write what I'd like to say to her and then do nowt with it. Good idea.

Happy Birthday to your daughter ThePontiacBandit you guys have a lovely day too. Smile

Cam2020 yes I suppose she does want a response from me. Again, FOG makes me not see that; it hadn't occured to me until you said. I don't think about them much until something like this happens and now here I am all stirred up and wanting to stir them/her up in return, when it was over 40 years ago I decided I didn't like any of them. So they can still stir me up even after all of those years and what was a good decision on my part.

OP posts:
Kelly345 · 14/04/2021 11:35

My initial thought is that it seems divisive. Engineered to provoke a response. Facebook will not be the only means she has to make contact if she genuinely wanted to reconnect. If she was able to share a picture of you publicly then she also has the means to contact you privately but chose not to. I'd be questioning that. Don't rise to the bait. There are people on FB who made some pretty libelous and defamatory comments about me and as angry as i was, I chose to ignore it. It was the right thing to do.

candycane222 · 14/04/2021 11:53

Yeah, I think she'll be fishing for "oh hun why what happened" responses for her own gratification. Absolutely do not feed into her games.

AliceMcK · 14/04/2021 12:00

First, happy birthday.

Second, you need to lock your fb down so she can’t see your photos or anything you put on there. Your privacy settings must be set to public for everything if someone who isn’t in your friends list can access your photos and share them.

Third, she’s likely doing this on purpose, ignore her.

AdaThorne · 14/04/2021 12:01

She didn't actually manage to wish you a happy birthday in her wangsty post, did she, despite stealing your photo to do so?

It's good going being able to make YOUR birthday all about HER, I bet her Facebook friends are all internally rolling their eyes and judging her for posting something so obviously attention seeking and self-pitying.

Happy birthday!

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