Should I or should I not bother with my sister?

[giletrouge]

Dear Wise Mumsnetters – help me decide on this one! It’s my birthday today, I’m 66. That’s just context. I’m pretty introverted and not interested in birthday fuss. I lead quite a quiet life these days with my partner. Got two lovely grown up children and three lovely small grandchildren. Backstory – my family of origin were pretty shit – although I now realise they could in fact have been far worse. But I haven’t seen any of them for years. I’m the youngest (by far) of four girls. Both parents died a long time ago and my oldest sis died a few years ago. My next up from me sis (eight years older) is on Facebook; we are not friends on FB but both aware of each other. Thereby most relevant backstory but without the emotional bits.
So this morning I’m pootling about on Facebook when I get a notification that my sis has shared a photo of mine. I don’t post many pix of myself in fact hardly any, it’s not what I use Fb for. This is therefore a nearly 3 yr old pic. She captions it with (not the exact words) this is my sis, she’s 66 today, we had nothing in common and drifted apart not seen her for thirty years or so x.
It’s fine, I’m not fussed about her saying what she wants and sharing this.
However my impulse is to reply on her post – something like – you may have drifted apart but I made a conscious decision.
Am I mad, just poking a long sleeping bear, totally pointless exercise? Or should I give in to my – admittedly slightly malicious – impulse to chip in my own comment on her post?
One way is dignified silence – the second way is to possibly open it all up – do I really want to even contemplate that level of nonsense?
Thoughts gratefully received, thank you.

Happy, happy birthday OP! Don't let your sister spoil your day, be dignified and ignore. As my family say, just smile and wave, smile and wave! Now get on with eating cake and drinking fizz!!

I’m never a fan of washing my dirty linen in public op. If you wish to open up old wounds go for it, but directly message her, not put it on a public post.

And happy birthday 😃

You're all brilliant!
She didn't actually manage to wish you a happy birthday in her wangsty post, did she, despite stealing your photo to do so?
This is so flipping true! Duh...

I’d also add your sister is 74 years old, she’s quite elderly now and not seeing each other for three decades is a very long time. She’s clearly thinking about uou but feels no need to share the dirty detail publicly. I don’t disagree her approach in that.

Bluntness100 you are right, if I want to say anything to her I should send her a message, not publicly comment on her post. That is absolutely spot on, thank you.

Happy birthday and yes, it would just make you look bad to people who don't know the story.

Happy birthday 🥳 block your sister on fb!

Don't go there.
No good will come of it.

Happy birthday!

I'm collecting all the nice cake and birthday wishes...thank you everyone!

You’ve not said what’s happened, but bearing in mind she’s mid seventies, and it’s been thirty years since you spoke, do you really want to go in on the attack ? Is whatever happened still so painful or emotional you’d still want to go after her, thirty years later?

Does any part of you want to reconnect, but in a nice way?

As said, we can’t comment, as all you’ve said is you made a conscious decision to go no contact with her, but think carefully before you open up an old wound by attacking as your opening volley.

Wise words Bluntness100 I think you're right some part of me wants to connect. But I don't think it would be any good. We really are too different and I don't actually like them and there were major differences in how to live our lives and I never felt any of my choices were respected. I think it's me still wanting them to be something they're not. And she probably wants me to be something I'm not, too. It's better left. I've lived most of my life without them, I'm really not sure they could add anything to my life now - nor that I could give them anything. By them I'm including the other sister. I know they're in touch. And then there's all the partners and children - and my dead sister's family too. Thinking about what they are all like makes me shudder.
Think domestic violence, lying about stuff for no reason except to create fantasy, hitting children and drowning baby cats rather than getting a cat speyed, letting the poor cat get pregnant over and over. All of this when I was too young to challenge it but old enough to be horrified by it. So I basically just got away as soon as I could. Drifted apart my arse - I left them.
Yes the emotions are still there.

If it stirs things up for you, then block her. You won't see anything then.

I think it reflects badly on her and her friends and family should find it cringy. If she had wanted to reach out, she should have gotten in touch with you privately. That post is meant to make you feel bad, not to reconnect.

Happy birthday, how has she shared the photo? If it's directly from your page, I think if you go to that photo and change the setting to friends only, her friends won't be able to see it. Ha! That'll piss her off!

I'd do it but then I'm an arsehole, I also give very bad advice 😉

Oooh I would be so tempted to respond. But I absolutely wouldn't! Just don't do it. Have a lovely birthday without the drama. It was mine a few days ago - here's to a lockdown free one next year

Happy birthday. Dignified silence I think.

One other thing (I know its not a nice thing to think really , but I certainly did with my sister when she was trying to stir things up .. ) but Grey Rock really does piss them off..

But yes Dignified Silence is the way to go .. ( even if secretly thinking just how much grey rock will piss them off.. )

....She wants a reaction, see... so dont give her that pleasure ..

Dignified silence it is. Let's face it, I'll have forgotten by tomorrow, whereas if I start an argy-bargy who knows where it will end.

It's all very counter-cultural to the I must express my feelings! trend.

What an odd thing for her to do! I would definitely ignore.

Happy birthday op

Happy birthday!!

Definitely ignore and maintain a dignified silence. Also agree that you need to up your privacy settings so she can't pilfer pics!

I can see why you'd be tempted - and it's very cheeky of her to post a picture of you. But you dropped her for a reason, so don't let her manipulate you. If she genuinely wanted to put the past behind you, she'd have sent a birthday card or a nice letter with a bit of family news and asked if you'd like to meet or visit. You don't have to mend your fences in public as a performance for other people.

Happy birthday gile what a shitty thing for your sister to do.

I am sure that message expresses how she feels shit about how the circumstances between you two have deteriorated too but there is probably no saving it now after all that has happened. In her own weird way she too is having pangs about the pain you have both experienced as a result of your shit family of origin. It is very sad and it is particularly sad that it is affecting your birthday. Definitely lock yourself down so you don’t have to experience the hurt anymore.

Thank you everyone. You've all said such lovely things - I didn't expect this to be such a positive experience, I was a bit nervous about posting I thought some people might think I was being mean. I'm genuinely shocked no-one thinks I'm mean!
And it's lovely having all the birthday greetings.

I had this recently with a family member trying to smoke me out.

If they had meant no harm, they’d have posted a cheery birthday greeting or contacted you privately. Their message seems designed to, as I termed it, “smoke you out” and the best thing, as nearly everyone has said, is to ignore . It’s hard, because you clearly have an itch, but we all know that no good comes of scratching that itch!