Took her for granted. Probably too late?

[bornbytheriver]

Hello everyone.

I was with my long term partner for 6 years before we split last summer. Nothing majorly bad happened, she was very very loving and kind and we found things kind of fizzled out in a romantic way and she felt almost like my sister. I took this on the chin and whilst I was heartbroken, I understood that this happens sometimes.

However, 8 months on, I have realised so much. I recognised that I struggled with my own mental health last year and honestly, I feel I took a lot of it out on her. I’ve had therapy this year and realised that, no wonder she didn’t feel like my gf anymore and vise versa - i treated her like my carer! I was going through old messages the other day and felt really sad and ashamed because a lot of it was me projecting my problems onto her, her being amazingly caring and supportive, and me taking it for granted. She really was an absolute gem and now that I’m in a better place I’m only just realising this.

I feel I’m now in a better headspace to appreciate how she was and I wish I treated her more like a girlfriend. I am tempted to make contact, as we are not in direct contact and do not speak (but still civil/friends on social media etc). However, I know she was heartbroken when this all happened and I don’t want to re-open a wound for her. I am just full of regret if I’m honest.

Any advice?
Thank you

Agree with PP. Send her an email to apologise and wish her well. Don't put her under pressure to reunite or even respond. You'll be able to tell from her reply (or lack of) whether getting back together is a possibility or not. Even if she wants to move on completely, I don't think that kind of email will cause any deep pain - she can delete and forget about it if she wants, and it might even provide some closure.

I wouldn't hold out any hope for getting back together, it's unlikely. But the experience of breaking up and the work you've done on yourself will stand you in good stead for your own future. This is just how a lot of early-20s relationships work, I'm afraid that doesn't lessen the hurt though.

@Tiktaktoe

Tiktaktoe I have mentioned so many times about how the only reason I haven’t reached out is because I don’t want to open a fresh wound and upset her... but okay

Exactly, you know it will open up old wounds but yet you still want to do it! Can you not see how selfish that is?
You say she was so good to you, supportive, kind, if you truly gave a shit about her you would acknowledge that you were lucky to have her in your life and she is lucky to have you out of her life.
Stop trying to pull her back in.

This exactly! ^^

bornbytheriver please don't be discouraged by some of the comments on this post.
As someone who has also battled depression this past year, I really commend you for the progress you've made. You've shown some real growth by being able to look back at your actions, when you were in the thick of it all.
My depression also played a major part in the end of a relationship. I can also see that now, despite that ultimately it was the other party's actions that made it final, my illness only magnified my reaction.
I would like to be able to go back and say that, in the same way, I wish he would reach out and apologise for his part.
I think if you are genuinely remorseful, then please do reach out. A genuine apology, is showing regard to your ex. But for your own sake, try to keep your expectations low. All the best.

Thank you @duacheapa that makes me feel loads better. I’d never set out to hurt her, I just want her to know for her own peace of mind now that I’ve realised a lot x

I think it would be nice for you to meet and tell her how sorry you are for what happened and then leave it at that. If you are meant to be, it will happen.

You could ask to meet and explain all this to her? She might well tell you she’s moved on and then you can also move on with your life and treat the next girl how they deserve to be treated.

I would message her apologising for the way you behaved and taking full responsibility for your actions. I would explain you have had therapy and realise how badly you treated her and regret your actions towards her. Tell her you feel guilty ( in case you left her feeling some of the problems were down to her) , but in fact it was all you. Sometimes the 'victim' of abusive behaviour feels guilt even though it is not her fault, and ensuring she knows it was nothing she did will help her move on. Wish her well and hope she forgives you. Then leave the ball in her court. Do not say you want to try again, unless she says this first. Give her peace but don't make demands, even if that is just telling you she doesn't want to go there again.

bornbytheriver Pleasure. Attacking comments are not helpful to us depressee's... I know all too well.
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Best of luck on your continuing road to recovery x