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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Took her for granted. Probably too late?

58 replies

bornbytheriver · 12/04/2021 13:45

Hello everyone.

I was with my long term partner for 6 years before we split last summer. Nothing majorly bad happened, she was very very loving and kind and we found things kind of fizzled out in a romantic way and she felt almost like my sister. I took this on the chin and whilst I was heartbroken, I understood that this happens sometimes.

However, 8 months on, I have realised so much. I recognised that I struggled with my own mental health last year and honestly, I feel I took a lot of it out on her. I’ve had therapy this year and realised that, no wonder she didn’t feel like my gf anymore and vise versa - i treated her like my carer! I was going through old messages the other day and felt really sad and ashamed because a lot of it was me projecting my problems onto her, her being amazingly caring and supportive, and me taking it for granted. She really was an absolute gem and now that I’m in a better place I’m only just realising this.

I feel I’m now in a better headspace to appreciate how she was and I wish I treated her more like a girlfriend. I am tempted to make contact, as we are not in direct contact and do not speak (but still civil/friends on social media etc). However, I know she was heartbroken when this all happened and I don’t want to re-open a wound for her. I am just full of regret if I’m honest.

Any advice?
Thank you

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 12/04/2021 16:52

I would probably go for email, not too much, not war and peace,

Probably a couple of paragraphs kinda putting out what you started this thread with, and leave it at that, don’t follow up, just her digest and reply in her own time (if she does).

Others will have more ideas

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2021 16:56

Even if you don’t reform, it might be healing for her to hear that you’ve reassessed things and can see the position you put her in.

Skyla2005 · 12/04/2021 18:06

Sounds like she wasn't good for you either. Sometimes two people can't work well together. Your depression has got better being away from the relationship so if she takes you back you could fall Into that again. I think you are better apart probably for both your sakes. Learn from it and move on

mermaidsariel · 12/04/2021 18:11

I think you should write her a letter saying that you’ve realised how much you took her for granted. Thank her and leave it at that.

SeaShoreGalore · 12/04/2021 18:15

If I were to make contact what would be the best way to approach

You should write her an honest message, so something along the lines of: ‘Hey girl! I dumped you because I thought the grass was greener, but now I’ve realised I’m not getting any better offers, I wondered if I you’d take me back?’

GreenSlide · 12/04/2021 18:16

Once you've broken up once, you're better off staying that way in my experience.

DadOfTheMoment · 12/04/2021 18:21

@bornbytheriver

Hello everyone.

I was with my long term partner for 6 years before we split last summer. Nothing majorly bad happened, she was very very loving and kind and we found things kind of fizzled out in a romantic way and she felt almost like my sister. I took this on the chin and whilst I was heartbroken, I understood that this happens sometimes.

However, 8 months on, I have realised so much. I recognised that I struggled with my own mental health last year and honestly, I feel I took a lot of it out on her. I’ve had therapy this year and realised that, no wonder she didn’t feel like my gf anymore and vise versa - i treated her like my carer! I was going through old messages the other day and felt really sad and ashamed because a lot of it was me projecting my problems onto her, her being amazingly caring and supportive, and me taking it for granted. She really was an absolute gem and now that I’m in a better place I’m only just realising this.

I feel I’m now in a better headspace to appreciate how she was and I wish I treated her more like a girlfriend. I am tempted to make contact, as we are not in direct contact and do not speak (but still civil/friends on social media etc). However, I know she was heartbroken when this all happened and I don’t want to re-open a wound for her. I am just full of regret if I’m honest.

Any advice?
Thank you

Do the decent thing and leave her alone mate.
Calmingvibrations · 12/04/2021 18:25

I know of a couple who broke up because he took her for granted. She was devastated. Sometime later he got back in touch and they rekindled the relationship and are very happy together now.

I think you could approach her and tell her how you feel, or write a letter. And then if she is isn’t interested just respect that and move on. I’d be wary about going through mutual friends in case their view colours the situation.

RiverSkater · 12/04/2021 18:29

In five years time you'll wonder if ... please don't live Life with this regret.

Contact her, prepare for the worst and If she says no you can move on having told her your regrets and apology.

Dery · 12/04/2021 18:36

“I would say reach out and try, but be prepared for a polite but firm no.

Personally I think women are more firm (not hard ) hearted then men (I assume you are a man), females seem to know when to move on where’s men tend to stick our head in the sand and hopefully everything will be okay tomorrow”

This and I completely agree with second para. Jane Austen was wrong about this (Persuasion reference). I think ultimately women can be more practical about these things and it may be partly driven by the female body clock.

Good luck, OP, but accept it if she’s moved on.

Unsure33 · 12/04/2021 18:39

Could you not just initially contact her to say what you have said here , about how sorry you are about how you treated her and that you did not realise what you were doing ? Not talk about anything else at this stage . Just to say sorry . And see what her reaction is ? And listen to her for a change ?

Franklyfrost · 12/04/2021 18:45

Do you have anyone who knows you well that you could talk about this with? I wonder if your mental health has entirely recovered. Thinking life would be better if you’re together again could be a sign that you’re struggling with your life as it is.

HunkyPunk · 12/04/2021 18:49

I would write a letter, saying much of what you've said here. Much less pressure that way.

Rosieposy89 · 12/04/2021 19:00

I would write a letter. I'm friends with a couple - they broke up, rekindled some time later and are very happy some years later. You'll always wonder what if, if you don't try. At least if she says no its closure for you.

wobblywinelover · 12/04/2021 19:04

I would leave her alone and treat women better next time. You'll retraumatize her and how is she going to believe you are 'reformed' from your mental illness. I'm sorry but i've heard this excuse so many times, if you've done it in the past you'll do it again. I've had mental health problems in the past but i've always treated people nicely.

Hehx3 · 12/04/2021 20:46

Hi Op, I am like your ex girlfriend. Situation is so similar its ridiculous (we are much older though). I would like him to speak up if nothing else just for a validation.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 12/04/2021 21:24

I wouldn't appreciate somebody crawling coming back after all this time because they felt sorry for themselves (and wasn't getting laid) in the hope that 'MoonCup's soft, she'll take me back if I look all sad and pathetic again'.

beenwhereyouare · 13/04/2021 03:45

She deserves to hear most of what you said in your opening post, if only to provide answers about the last year of your relationship. Maybe it will help her to know that you regret your behavior, but do it in a positive way, without making her feel that she owes you anything.

A letter might be easiest for both of you. Let her know you're open to talking if she wants, and then leave her to decide for herself.

And good on you- it's rare that someone has the courage and honesty for true introspection.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 13/04/2021 05:52

Write to her to apologise. Tell her what you have put here. Be honest but have no expectation. Do NOT ask for a reunion. Tell her you are sorry and then let it lie. If there is to be a way back it is for her to come to you. If she doesn't, leave it and go back to the Christmas cards and vague online friend thing. At least you will have apologised which is the right thing to do.

booboo24 · 13/04/2021 08:55

Firstly stop beating yourself up, you have learnt from it and got the help you needed to feel and be a better version of yourself, we all make mistakes.

I really would get in touch, I think email would be best as you would have the comfort of knowing she received it without feeling you put her under pressure to reply. I would say maybe just contact her at first to say what you have realised, and how sorry you are, and then if she replies you can see how the land lies and go from there. You haven't done anything horrific enough for this to upset her. Good luck

Tiktaktoe · 13/04/2021 09:50

Honestly, leave her alone!
If you care about her you would want the best for her but even in your posts it's all about how she was so good to you, you miss her etc. No thought at all for what is best for her. You were selfish, you're still selfish. Leave her alone.

SparklingStars10 · 13/04/2021 10:47

It’s great you’ve recognised those behaviours in yourself because this allows you to move on and settle in a healthy relationship again.
You said she became more like a sister, so trying to establish a relationship again wouldn’t work, if this is how you viewed the relationship.
Personally, I think once a relationship has ended then that’s how it should remain, there is nothing wrong with you both building a friendship though.
I think it’s wise you ensure she is not already in a relationship first and if she’s not, you need to start of very subtle and see if she shares the same feelings as you.
If you want my honest opinion though, I’d rather be left alone.
Good luck!

Original poster
bornbytheriver · 13/04/2021 10:58

Thank you for all the advice 🙂 I think I would like her to know how sorry I am even if it doesn’t lead anywhere.
@Tiktaktoe I have mentioned so many times about how the only reason I haven’t reached out is because I don’t want to open a fresh wound and upset her... but okay

OP posts:
customwatkins · 13/04/2021 11:28

Even if it doesn't go anywhere, reaching out will give her the validation that she didn't do anything to destroy the relationship, that you accept your part in things and that you are sorry. Also, she will be glad to hear you are doing better and working on yourself and becoming emotionally stronger.

This may give you both closure.

I wouldn't mention anything like other women just don't measure up, etc. That would just sound like you've struck out on the dating scene and are trying to reel her back in.

I think a heartfelt letter, a genuine apology, with no pressure for a response would be best.

Tiktaktoe · 13/04/2021 11:52

Tiktaktoe I have mentioned so many times about how the only reason I haven’t reached out is because I don’t want to open a fresh wound and upset her... but okay

Exactly, you know it will open up old wounds but yet you still want to do it! Can you not see how selfish that is?
You say she was so good to you, supportive, kind, if you truly gave a shit about her you would acknowledge that you were lucky to have her in your life and she is lucky to have you out of her life.
Stop trying to pull her back in.