Took her for granted. Probably too late?

[bornbytheriver]

Hello everyone.

I was with my long term partner for 6 years before we split last summer. Nothing majorly bad happened, she was very very loving and kind and we found things kind of fizzled out in a romantic way and she felt almost like my sister. I took this on the chin and whilst I was heartbroken, I understood that this happens sometimes.

However, 8 months on, I have realised so much. I recognised that I struggled with my own mental health last year and honestly, I feel I took a lot of it out on her. I’ve had therapy this year and realised that, no wonder she didn’t feel like my gf anymore and vise versa - i treated her like my carer! I was going through old messages the other day and felt really sad and ashamed because a lot of it was me projecting my problems onto her, her being amazingly caring and supportive, and me taking it for granted. She really was an absolute gem and now that I’m in a better place I’m only just realising this.

I feel I’m now in a better headspace to appreciate how she was and I wish I treated her more like a girlfriend. I am tempted to make contact, as we are not in direct contact and do not speak (but still civil/friends on social media etc). However, I know she was heartbroken when this all happened and I don’t want to re-open a wound for her. I am just full of regret if I’m honest.

Any advice?
Thank you

Let her move on with her life.

Is it just guilt you’re feeling or do you genuinely love her and want to re-build your relationship?

I think I am still in love with the girl, I’ve made steps to move on and been on dates with girls but to be honest none of them are her. I still get butterflies seeing pics etc.
I’d love to rebuild a relationship if I had the chance but it’s hard as I don’t want to open a wound for her again by making contact

Care enough about her to leave her alone. She deserves to find someone who will treat her properly from the start. Trying to drag her back into your life would be pure selfishness.

is there any contact at all between you both since parting ways.

I guess it would be ☹️ It’s hard to deal with now that I know where I went wrong and I was in such a bad place last year.
Minimal contact - she wished me luck for something I completed a few months ago, and we said merry Christmas - about it really

Do you have mutual friends you could get a feel of the lie of the land from? It may be that she just wants to move forward now / is seeing someone else and it wouldn't be welcome.

You’ve done some therapy and feel better which is great. But what other steps have you taken to improve and maintain your mental health? Can you show you have made meaningful changes and will keep up with these to her? Otherwise how can she know you won’t just go back to taking things out in her the next time you are not 100% mental health wise?

Life is too short. Reach out to her. Strike up a conversation, ask how she is and what’s going on in her life. Then if it feels good, you can invite her out for a coffee and tell her how you feel. Be completely honest. And she can make her own choices. But be absolutely sure before you go down this path. Maybe give it some more thought and time if you’ve only just started feeling rogue way.

This way**

You said the things I.e. romantic feelings fizzled out. Now after the break it seems like you are reimagining the past relationship and see them in a new light.
Personally I am a believer that if it doesn't work from the first time, it won't work the second, third etc. time around.

I think it's too late with this relationship, but use what you've learned when you eventually move on.

I took this on the chin and whilst I was heartbroken, I understood that this happens sometimes

Did you break up with her because you thought the grass was greener? What messages did you send that you now regret, were you unpleasant to her? Did you live together? How old are you both?

Some of this is relevant but mostly I'm also of the opinion that if you let the relationship go because you felt the spark had gone and she was like a sister then you are just feeling nostalgia and maybe guilt. If she hasn't reached out then I suspect she is also trying to move on. Covid has made life tough so I suspect what you are also feeling is the affects from that. Learn from it, realise that longterm relationships need staying power and commitment through the troughs. There is never just one person for you so take your time committing to another woman.

Ahhhh, it’s so hard. We worked so so well together for the first 5 years, we were the best team. It was actually really only the last year that things went a bit wrong (when I really struggled in myself). So I don’t doubt that it could work again. Plus I’ve done an awful lot of work on myself and gained lots of self awareness and coping strategies.
I’m just almost scared to reach out in case it a) hurts her and b) I’m scared of the rejection haha!

@Fireflygal no not unpleasant, just sometimes I didn’t always appreciate what she was saying and sometimes sort of brushed it off and made it about me if I was struggling. I think we both lost a bit of ourselves when I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and that’s what drove us apart - the spark was there for a solid 5 years x

And sorry yes we lived together and we are 26 x

You were unwell. Give it a shot with zero expectation or pressure and prepare to be the better person she deserves.

@Justmuddlingalong

I think it's too late with this relationship, but use what you've learned when you eventually move on.

This. You fell into carer/patient roles because you weren't managing your own mental distress well, and she was too kind/short-sighted to call you on it. In her shoes I'd want a lot more than eight months of therapy and the assurance that you've changed before revisiting a relationship where someone blamed me for being the rescuer he'd cast me as.

I bet you, but I’m not blaming her at all!! She was so kind hearted that she took it on herself to make me happy, and I hate myself for even letting that happen. That’s the last thing I would ever want again

I think purely because there was no unpleasantness, and the issues were caused by an identifiable cause which is now under control (your illness), it is okay to approach her, if you explain that now you're better you would like to give it another go. Even just meet for a coffee and chat with no pressure for anything else? Give her time to think about it.

It was nearly a year ago now, so be prepared she might have moved on. If she has, you approaching her won't cause her hurt (but yes, you will have to deal with the rejection for yourself). If she hasn't moved on, maybe she would welcome the chance at another go. Or maybe not, but at 26 she is big and bold enough to say how she feels. A gentle request for a coffee is not going to cause her massive emotional stress.

If this relationship is 'the one', you'd be doing both of you a disservice not to try again. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I don't see why you shouldn't contact her if she is single, but if she isn't then leave her alone.

Be prepared though that she could have changed in that time, I think we grow the most when we are single and she may be more independent minded and less door mat caring than you remember. My friends in long term marriages are the ones who have changed the least and would put up with crap because they committed to it years ago. There is a chance she could have seen too that she was taken for granted an think Fuck this very quickly in the future.

I would say reach out and try, but be prepared for a polite but firm no.

Personally I think women are more firm (not hard ) hearted then men (I assume you are a man), females seem to know when to move on where’s men tend to stick our head in the sand and hopefully everything will be okay tomorrow

What have you got to lose?
I would tell her what you've said here, and see what she says. Don't get your hopes up too much. But you may as well try.

I think you should contact her with no expectation of rekindling anything or even a reply, but simply to apologise for the way you treated her and took her for granted, and an acknowledgment of everything she did for you.
Depending on her response you'll know whether it's worth suggesting meeting up again or giving things another go.

Thanks everyone, that’s all really helpful. If I were to make contact what would be the best way to approach? Go straight in with all this, or start a friendly conversation? May seem really odd out of nowhere after so long haha! I also thought of a letter so that she doesn’t feel any pressure to respond if she doesn’t want to (whereas text she may feel she has to reply?)