Do you exist as a person ?

[catsareme14]

I have 3 children & I am close to all of them , I feel though as as if I don't exist to them outside of my 'role ' as mum & Grandma . I feel as if I'm not an actual person to them . I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest. A few weeks ago I was upset & shocked about something I had found out about my sibling , I tried to speak to one child & was 'tutted ' at & told to ' get over it ' Do your grown up children have any interest in you as an individual & separate entity ?

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP.

As mine are teens and my relationships with them has evolved, I have ensured that they have all been told (on repeat) that I am a flawed human being with feelings and dreams just as valid as theirs. (Varying success depending on what’s going on at the time.... but I have also returned to study, so we have that in common atm, too.) I am unafraid of letting them know that mum is not a series of functions designed to make their life run more smoothly. I think they get it.

Absolutely not. DD is 35 and I can’t remember her ever asking me if I’m ok or what I’ve been up to. She has always been extremely self absorbed though so I don’t expect any different. It does hurt.

My kids sometimes see me get down about something and they do show me real sympathy. They are tween/teen age though so not sure if this will last.

I’m really close to my mum and she talks to me about everything; really sorry to hear this op

*@Garnout * It does hurt so much . Lockdown has been a real learning curve but not in a good way . I've learnt things I wish I hadn't & my heart aches.

catsareme14. I feel something similar. Lockdown has shown me where I am on DDs list of priorities, ie any further down it and I’d drop off. The pain feels physical 💐

I think sometimes it’s the nature of the relationship. I think some people always view themselves as the child in the relationship with their parents, regardless of age or personal capacity, whereas some people sort of ‘switch roles’ at some stage so they become the ‘adult’ in the relationship with their parents.

I somehow failed to establish an adult to adult relationship with my mum particularly (dad to some extent but we have more in common in terms of interests and profession so it’s not as pronounced). I feel like asking her anything about her life would be cheeky and prying so wait fir her to volunteer info. I’ve no idea how to fix this. I do care about her but just don’t know how to become her friend.

OP I'm really sorry to hear how you and @GarnOut are feeling.

I think in their teens my DDs would have struggled a bit to identify with me as a person, but as they matured and especially as they saw me struggling with separation and divorce, they did learn to get it much more. BUT, not all the time, or as consistently as I would expect from a friend or a partner, say. Sometimes they still just want me to be mum. And to be fair, the unassailable, all-powerful mum is what I want them to have. I don't feel I've failed them when I need them, but I still want to need them less than they need me. I'll fight hard never to switch roles.

You mention talking to one of your children. Perhaps it was an off day for them? Have you tried again with that one, or the other two? If it's a new way of 'being' with them, perhaps you all need to practise a bit?

Good luck.

*@ThisTooShallBeFantastic *
Im frightened to try speaking out again . This way I can slightly hold on to the idea that it was 'an off day ' To have it confirmed that my distress is of no importance would be very hard .
I went through a very long , acrimonious divorce a long time ago . I was not 'allowed ' to talk about it all to them ( not their father) on the grounds it would upset me . I so needed to talk . I think now it was because they did not want my pain intruding on their lives .
I am so grateful to all of you who have answered my post . Thank you

OP "I think now it was because they did not want my pain intruding on their lives ."

I can understand this though. I keep most things to myself because a problem shared is a problem making more people upset.

I have this problem a lot with mum. She wants to talk about dad all the time. He's dead, it was bloody painful, I don't want to talk about it.

That could be interpreted as "I don't want her pain bringing me down". But that's fair enough. I believe in not bringing others down.

Would you be better looking further from home, so to speak. I had a friend go through a horrific divorce and I had no issues being her main confidante. It didn't upset me so it was better to talk to me than say, her mu, who was devastated for various reasons.

@AcornAutumn
Thank you for your post . Speaking to others was what I did do . Thank goodness . The divorce had no real impact on them , it was a short late marriage . I get what you are saying though .
If my children were hurt or scared I would let them talk as much as they needed too . Perhaps I expect too much ? Perhaps compassion , care & understanding only go one way in some parent / child relationships even though all are adults . This is why I posted, to try and gauge if expecting a tiny bit of support / interest is unreasonable. I truly didn't know

OP "If my children were hurt or scared I would let them talk as much as they needed too "

Mum says the same thing to me. But the knock on effect of me confiding in her is usually that she worries too - and sometimes that worry becomes intense questioning that drives me nuts. So in the end, neither of us benefit.

I don't know what to say about interest as mum and I are naturally fond of each other but often have no interests in common. Some days I can cope, but other days she thinks she is talking about something fascinating and it might as well be football because it bores me.

I'm struggling with talking generally due to lockdown and the last three years of my life were

Dad very ill
Me taking a redundancy package to help with care
Dad dying
Mum not functioning mentally
Mum falling ill physically
Mum recovering
Me having about a couple of months peace
Lockdown

Tbh lockdown alone makes it hard for me to see straight.

It might be the people from whom you seek comfort are unable to give it.

I have two DD’s in their 20’s and I am trying to negotiate an adult/adult relationship with them but it’s not really working.
I try and talk to them as an equal, be interested in their life not give unasked for advice etc. However I think they still cannot see me in anything other than a mum role, so someone to turn to for information/help but not someone to chat to on an equal footing.
I tend to get support from DH and a close friend. Think my DD’s get upset if I have a problem they want mum to be there to solve their problems.
Sorry op not much help!

Have you had your own life away from them ? Going out with friends and hobbies away from the house ? I think this helps them to see you as not just a mum but a person in your own right. otherwise they think you are just there to serve them and be mum ?

@Skylar2005
Yes I work , have friends & hobbies . Not that they know because they never ask about my life as 'me ' . This is the point of the post really , absolutely no interest other than me as mum & Grandma .

I’d be absolutely gutted to hear my mum felt like this. I chat to my mum about everything and always want to hear what’s going on with her.

OP
To use a theoretical example

Do you mean if you went on holiday, they wouldn't even ask "mum, how was your holiday?"

Yes, I do exist as a person to them.

I have aspergers and they quite often have to 'explain' things to me that I haven't got. Their also mindful of things that might overwhelm me so give me a heads up if we're going somewhere or doing something.

Mine are 22 and 14. They always ask how I am and we are very close. I wouldn't say they're particularly interested in my friends or my hobbies but they will always listen if I tell them anything.

The eldest moved out earlier this year and we spoke for an hour and a half this morning. I probably only speak to him once a week but that's fine, we both have our own lives to lead. He rang this morning to ask how i was and what I'd been up to.

I wouldn't look to my children for comfort or support though. I don't think that's their job. They confide in me more than they do their dad because I listen and respond with empathy and they can trust my response (apparently) Their dad tends to 'react' rather than 'respond'.

But I've always had my own life separate to them and have never been 'just mum'.

@Justilou1

As mine are teens and my relationships with them has evolved, I have ensured that they have all been told (on repeat) that I am a flawed human being with feelings and dreams just as valid as theirs. (Varying success depending on what’s going on at the time.... but I have also returned to study, so we have that in common atm, too.) I am unafraid of letting them know that mum is not a series of functions designed to make their life run more smoothly. I think they get it.

Yes, i would say I've done this too.

I'd say it depends on the frequency of your contact with them and the quality of your relationship. My dc are only small but I have very little contact with my mum and feel that, as she's never really supported me emotionally, I'm not going to jump to support her anymore. But that's more to protect myself from her narcissistic tendencies as she usually turns most things back to herself.

How old are they? Sorry if I missed that info. It can take a while for adult children to twig that their parents are human I think!

Surprised and sad about this. I like talking to my parents about them, their lives, interests, whatever... They've never been massively in the parent role with me though if that makes a difference - I mean, they aren't the types to try to boss me around about my life etc. We have always enjoyed evenings out that are more friend-like such as pubs with bands.

I'm 40 and they're in their sixties.

I can't answer about my kids though as they're both pre-teen and I am still just-mum, I reckon!

My children are all in their 30's .
I have a full life & don't look to them for support , I agree that's not their job . Their first priority without doubt should be there own families, I am by no means emotionally needy . Just occasionally though it would be nice to feel as if they had some interest in the person I am . Perhaps I'm unreasonable. I believe the greatest gift you can give your children is the confidence to be independent . Perhaps I'm just not that interesting.