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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you exist as a person ?

73 replies

catsareme14 · 11/04/2021 18:43

I have 3 children & I am close to all of them , I feel though as as if I don't exist to them outside of my 'role ' as mum & Grandma . I feel as if I'm not an actual person to them . I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest. A few weeks ago I was upset & shocked about something I had found out about my sibling , I tried to speak to one child & was 'tutted ' at & told to ' get over it ' Do your grown up children have any interest in you as an individual & separate entity ?

OP posts:

Original poster

catsareme14 · 13/04/2021 07:42

I have one boy two girls . There is no back story , no shit men ,no depression . I don't expect them to be confidantes , that's not really the point of this post . It's the fact that they don't seem to acknowledge in any way that I am a woman , with feelings , interests . I suppose I feel there seems to be a huge amount of take & very little give . All relationships, friendships require balance . I ask nothing & I mean nothing of my children . I see them probably fortnightly ish , I wait to be invited , am always up for babysitting etc . Writing that has made me realize that they do invite me frequently which is good . I'm very close to my grandchildren & we often have lovely times . Conversation tends to centre around them & their lives . Perhaps I need to open up more .

OP posts:

Original poster

catsareme14 · 13/04/2021 07:45

@Washingtofold

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 13/04/2021 08:13

@whyhell0there

What if you volunteer information and tell them about a few things going on in your life? Do you think this would give them a kind of starting point to then later ask about these things?

With my own parents, we are not close but I do ask them what they've been up to. However, sometimes I don't bother because they don't actually ever do anything and usually have nothing to talk about! It's quite saddening actually.

They are probably exhausted from years and years of putting their time, emotional energy, physical energy and money into their kids.

DoingItMyself · 13/04/2021 09:12

What is her father like?
Dead!
We split up when she was small. She couldn't stand him (fair assessment).
It's not sad, it just is.

BuddhaAtSea · 13/04/2021 09:23

It’d be interesting to actually ask DD if she sees me as a person, or just as mum. She’s moved out, we see each other weekly, we speak daily.

Shodan · 13/04/2021 10:20

I used to tell my boys! I didn't burden them with all my worries, that would have been unfair, but I certainly would say things like "We'll go to the park now, because you like that, and then later we'll go home and watch X for me, because I like that." They've both grown up seeing that I have interests that are separate to them (karate, in my case) and I would ask if they fancied coming to a grading to support me. Never demanded it, just asked if they fancied it- they always came, bless them.

The eldest is now 25 and I chat to him about things, sometimes ask his advice, all the while being 100% there for him (he knows this). The younger one is 13 and very much the same, although I don't ask him for life advice, obviously. They both ask how things are going for me, am I happy etc. They show interest in me as a person, outside of their mother.

Reciprocity was the key- they had to be shown that it wasn't all about them, all the time.

Attictroll · 13/04/2021 10:45

Reciprocal understanding is important but tbh I don't want my parents involved or knowing too much about my life as they have "opinions" and I think both know I listen and call if i know something bad happens to them, like a good friend dying, or checking in after their jabs etc. We are all quite private people and family are not friends it should be a different dynamic.

Heysiriyouknob · 13/04/2021 11:28

My son is only 18 but already he makes me sad with his talk of moving out and "probably" keeping in touch when he wants to.

Now please don't think I'm saying this because I'm owed anything from him, I'm not. But I was 22 when he was born and I gave up everything to be with him 24/7. I've had no career, no studies, no life of my own. Everything was about being his parent and then my 7 year old when she came along. I also have a seven month old, I honestly have no life outside parenting them and giving them a home.

The way Ds is starting to wonder if I've wasted my life doing that. When this baby is 18 I'll be 58 and I'll have nothing to look back on.

I think I've gone about it all the wrong way to raise people who would have been no different if o hadn't been there 24/7 and had my own life?

again2020 · 13/04/2021 12:12

Yes, but my DM doesn't, and I think I learned from her. Her own decision really. She's always been 'Mrs ...' or '.... mum' or ....'s wife and has never really made a decision for herself or lived her life as she wanted...and she's been in a (borderline abusive) marriage to my father for 40 years. I try to get her to do things on her own and even to come on holiday with me when we can to enjoy some time to herself, but she's very reluctant.

Heysiriyouknob · 13/04/2021 12:18

@again2020

I honestly think this is the way my life is going

bunglebee · 13/04/2021 13:13

Sounds like you need to make some changes then, heysiri. Time to identify a step towards getting your own life, and then taking it?

Heysiriyouknob · 13/04/2021 14:05

@bunglebee

Sounds like you need to make some changes then, heysiri. Time to identify a step towards getting your own life, and then taking it?

Yes.

I've often thought I should go back to education (I'd be late 40s by the time I finished), get a job etc - I have worked night shifts over the years so I only had to leave the kids while they slept but I have no qualifications past the basics and no experience so it's just been care work that I don't enjoy doing.

But then I wrestle with myself because I don't want to leave my children for a second. But then I'm setting myself up for a future of nothing and it's becoming more apparent that they don't appreciate years of sacrifice anyway.

It's a very hard place to be, especially as this has been my life since 21/22.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 13/04/2021 14:14

@Heysiriyouknob I agree with PP you should make it a priority to create a life of your own - work, friends, hobbies. I'm not saying for a moment that you should abandon your DC, but please don't let them be your everything. They won't thank you for it, it's too much pressure on them as they grow and start to feel guilty that they will leave you. Set them the example of knowing who you are and being yourself - learning this will protect them in later life, if they ever encounter someone (partner/boss/friends) who tries to dominate/abuse them.

Alcemeg · 13/04/2021 14:20

@catsareme14 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I can remember as a teenager, saying to my mum "Haven't you got a book to read?" when she tried to make conversation with me. I'd kill to have those conversations now. But as an adult, I think you should have more of a relationship than just a convenient babysitter.

Could you get some kind of board game, the ones that quiz people on how well they know each other? As a bit of family fun at Xmas, or whatever. That might lead into some conversations that need to be had, perhaps including the one that you feel utterly invisible!

Onelifeonly · 13/04/2021 17:27

My mum is dead now but she was always a person in her own right to me. She worked part time in a professional role, she had friends, hobbies and interests. She wasn't afraid to tell us her feelings - too much sometimes, when she got stressed! She was a good parent but I early realised we weren't her whole life. I think that's a good thing. As an adult I chatted to her a lot and asked her about her life - though it was never on the same level a friend would be. There was always the chance she would give her advice or opinion - which wasn't always wanted (to put it mildly!)

My parents had their children quite young - all done by very early 30s, so were off gallivanting and going on lots of holidays by the time I was a young adult. Sometimes it felt like they didn't have much time for me, to be honest.

My kids are late teens to early 20s and haven't left home yet. They do ask about my day etc but probably more as a conversation starter than out of any real interest. We can have good conversations but it's mainly about their issues and interests. Youngest is 15 and quite stressed re school etc. She currently gets cross if I mention my feelings (if she's rude, for example ). She clearly has a view that as the grown up I shouldn't really have any, but I think it's just a phase. I hope so anyway!

OP maybe you need to start more conversations about you and your interests? Although I do think the expectation by adult children to have their parents perform the parenting role never quite goes away- maybe not until they are elderly and dependent.

Dragongirl10 · 13/04/2021 17:45

Reciprocity was the key- they had to be shown that it wasn't all about them, all the time.

This is very important ^

Whilst it is totally wrong to lean on your children, it is important to factor in enjoyable times/down times that they understand is for you from a young age.
So often it is not tought to children that other adults feelings matter, particularly your parents.

I have been known to bluntly say to mine, 'l have been out with you all day and it hasd been fun, now l want a quiet time so sit in front of the TV for an hour and only disturb me if it is an emergency' (as l slope off with a book)
As they get older I insist they talk about their day at dinner, and encourage them to ask DH or I about ours.

Manzanilla55 · 13/04/2021 18:24

Although ds has always been aware I have my Buddjist faith and my many hobbies and interests I have been very hands on with him as I have been single parenting him since as was 5 months. He is now 16. He has little or no awareness of my needs ambitions and dreams but I think he is at that very selfish age and the pandemic hasn't helped. Can only hope things improve by the time he is 21 or so.

Misty9 · 13/04/2021 19:45

I suppose I feel there seems to be a huge amount of take & very little give

I'm afraid I think this is reflective of most of being a parent! And those patterns set when they're little are hard to break out of when they grow up perhaps.

I don't feel I take anything from my parents now, nor do they give me much. But my dad complains that I could call more often. It's an unequal relationship between parent and child and whilst of course we want to teach them how to be appreciative and considerate of others, they also need us to be the receptacle for their crap. Even when still adults probably. This is why the advice I always give parents (in my professional role) is to make sure you are as okay as possible, so that you can cope as best as possible with what your child throws at you. Within reason of course.

BackforGood · 13/04/2021 20:03

As they get older I insist they talk about their day at dinner, and encourage them to ask DH or I about ours.

I wonder if this is a bigger factor than I realised ?
We've always sat and eaten together. So over 25 years, that's included LOTS of conversations, obviously about all sorts of things, including what is happening in each other's lives. When they were younger, partly from necessity of who was dropping which child where and how they were getting home or how we would work it out when the car was in the garage or when 2 dc needed to be in separate places at the same time, etc, but always factored into that were the arrangements that dh and I needed to make for us and it was never presumed that we were just "there" by default.
Then, accidently, over a week or two all of us would no doubt recount something funny or interesting or even deep and meaningful occasionally, about things that had happened. So the dc grow up being used to conversation and it sometimes being your turn to tell things and sometimes your turn to listen and sometimes your turn to wait or adjust your plan to make it work as a family.

Interesting. I'd never really thought of that before.

Deedyn · 13/04/2021 21:00

I’d say one does (when the stars are in the right place) and the other...hardly. It does hurt me... but I know there’s nothing much I can do about it. I’ve given up trying to do anything about it but would like more interests outside the house after lockdown.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 13/04/2021 21:35

My son is almost 40 and is very interested and caring with regards to my life. We do go for longish periods without talking much because we both work very hard full time but we do catch up quite often and visit and are always there for each other. we live 2 and a half hours drive apart.
I think we have the balance about right. Him and DiL asked me to pool our resources when I retire in 8 years time and live together and I've agreed as long as there is a granny annexe with a separate entrance.

RantyAnty · 13/04/2021 22:09

Mine didn't used to think of me as a person. Now they're in their 30s, they both do.

We talk about all kinds of things. We've travelled together.
It's nice.

Jesskir89 · 15/04/2021 22:44

@BackforGood reassuring thank you. Op have you tried inviting them to you too? Sunday dinners/bbqs etc

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