Do you exist as a person ?

[catsareme14]

I have 3 children & I am close to all of them , I feel though as as if I don't exist to them outside of my 'role ' as mum & Grandma . I feel as if I'm not an actual person to them . I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest. A few weeks ago I was upset & shocked about something I had found out about my sibling , I tried to speak to one child & was 'tutted ' at & told to ' get over it ' Do your grown up children have any interest in you as an individual & separate entity ?

Aw, yes independent but also interested in others and kind! I don't think there is anything wrong with children offering support and care to their parents, as long as it isn't demanded (or guilted) out of them.

Maybe they need to see you in a new light OP! Do a few things to give them a shock

@Misty9
I think you have something in your last sentence. I am human !

@ Optimistic40
Oh , a shock you say ! Now there's a thought

I think parent and adult child relationships can be tricky. How your children experience your relationship, and you, is not necessarily the same as you do. Therefore the meaning behind their behaviour may not be clear to you, but could be to them. I also think that some adult children never really make that leap to considering their parents as normal humans and this can be seen in how easy it is to fall into the same dynamics which played out in childhood when families get together as grown ups. I suppose the easiest solution is not to expect support or that validation from our children - and bonus if we get it? If your friends also don't really ask about your life, why is that do you think?

I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest.
I only have one child, my dd. She's generous and wants to be kind, but she has no interest in me as a person at all, and shuts me down or sneers whenever I speak. I just accept it now. I'd like to chat with her but it isn't possible, we are not people who can do that together.

I have a close relationship with my dad and his wife, my step mother, and I am always interested in their life and things they tell me. I would find it rude if I snubbed them. They’ve listened to me harp on when they’ve probably not given two hoots so it’s only fair that I listen intently even if I’m not interested.

I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest.

Perhaps that is part of the issue.
I feel my dc are aware that I am a person in my own right, as well as their Mum, as I have always had interests and hobbies and friends and colleagues. Sometimes I will mention things about them. Quite often they will know people I am talking about. I think that can make a difference - I will pass news to them about people they know (which is interesting) but not about people they don't know as that isn't interesting. I will also ask them about things they are interested in and try and tell different dc about things that might interest them. So, for example, I've always watched football matches (on TV) with my ds (even when he might be miles away from me) and we chat about them as they play out. So most weeks, we can have two or three chats about something we are both interested in, that isn't really about either one of us. Now that could be films or a TV series or horse racing or the Mars robot landing or volcanic eruptions around the world or whatever interest you have in common. None of us find it interesting when another person talks all the time about something we aren't interested in.
All that said, I think parents will always be parents to their dc, however old they are.
However,

I really hope this doesn't come across as victim-blamey because I don't mean it to.

I found it hard to treat my mum as a "real person" because she based a huge amount of her own identity around her "mum" persona (she had a very difficult upbringing and leaned hard on her status as a mother for self esteem). I remember being a young teen and begging her to speak to me normally because I felt desperately lonely around her - all I would get out of her some days was sugary baby-speak. She would never show vulnerability because that would ruin her fantasy of being this perfect mother figure. I saw no reason to see mum as someone with emotions because it suited her that I didn't see that side of her. There was nothing for me to work with, even during the rare times I saw her upset.

I'm sure you're not at all like this, but my point is: my mother didn't bring a "real-person relationship" to the table. Maybe in some ways your DCs don't see you as vulnerable. They might even be uncomfortable seeing you upset, because you seem strong or in-control in front of them a lot of the time, and they're dismissive because they don't know how else to deal with their discomfort (still not an excuse for being rude to you though).

The good news: as an adult I found that I was able to really reconnect with my mum, and it was like a revelation for the both of us. It really helped that I'd managed to get some healthy distance between us and break out of the patterns that formed when we lived in the same house day after day - we were able to see one another more holistically and with much more clarity.

cats so much you’ve written sounds so familiar to me. I don’t go to DD for support/advice - I have great friends and interests and am very self sufficient. I’ve been there whenever I’ve been needed often to the detriment of my own health. I do think I’m interesting and funny and generous with my time and effort. I am just not a person with my own needs, hopes and feelings though in her eyes.

Have you ever willingly and openly shared lots of details about your life, hobbies and interests to them?

I think a lot of people keep this to themselves when the kids are younger because that is what's needed at the time. It creates enough distance to facilitate your role as an authority figure. However, as they gets older, they will not see you as this individual person unless you open up to them. They might be curious but are afraid to ask because they're unsure of where the boundaries are. Some children are afraid of knowing too much about their parents.

It just depends on what a mother needs really. I wouldn't blame you for wanting more empathy and interest from your children.

@DoingItMyself

I rarely speak to them about my life because I feel they have no interest. I only have one child, my dd. She's generous and wants to be kind, but she has no interest in me as a person at all, and shuts me down or sneers whenever I speak. I just accept it now. I'd like to chat with her but it isn't possible, we are not people who can do that together.

@DoingItMyself That's really sad. Sounds a bit like narcissism to me. What is her father like?

I probably am like this with my DM, to some extent, but to be honest, it's in large part because whenever I've tried to chat to her as a human being she takes over as though I'm an incompetent toddler. "Remember to do it like this, and make sure you don't do that." This is particularly infuriating when it's about, e.g. my work which she has no experience with whatever. So I stopped opening up, basically. I tell her a very light touch version of events after they happened, or not at all if it's something I'm having difficulty with.

This thread has made me think though. Maybe I will ring her and give it another go, try to focus on her.

I think I do with mine, who are all almost and younger. But I do have quite a strong identity outside of 'mum', some of which is quite appealing to kids (dangerous hobbies and adventure stuff) and some unusual friends and acquaintances so they're usually quite interested when I tell them about bits and pieces (sometimes I play it up, sometimes I play it down 😂). I also reiterate to them that I am human a lot too e.g. I tell them if I've had a good day or a bad day or I didn't sleep or feel in a strange mood etc. I think this has humanised me a bit, and I do recommend it I think. This may change though once they hit teen stage! My own mother was like a robot really: a mum bot. I was never 'let in' on her emotions or her life outside being a mum (although she was a far more traditional, devoted to the role type). I feel like it's taken me until my 30s to reach that friend level with her, although she still keeps a lot hidden but I realise now that's not necessarily just from me, it's a bit of a family trait. She will sometimes tell me things after the fact now which is a forward step. We do chat etc. I think the turning point was me becoming a mum really! Perhaps this is key.

Op can I please ask the gender of your children? I only ask this as I have a boy (1 year old) but all I see on here seems to be a lot of boys mums don't count, and it makes me a little worried for the future. I'm very close, as a woman to my mum and would love the same relationship with my son

It took me until I was about 30 to even realise my parents had personalities. They were just my Mum and Dad until it dawned on me.

Sorry to hear this @catsareme14 . I'm kind of close to and/or fond of my mum as adults and wonder and ask how she's getting on. I live about an hour away as I'm more of a city person. See her about once a month in the normal run of things. Saw her the other week now restrictions have been relaxed and we had a lovely meet in a cafe carpark.

Are your DC local? How often do you see them?

How they responded was not ok, but maybe they didn't know what to say.

Did you suffer from depression much when they were younger? (you said you had the divorce etc.) Maybe they fear you'll be a bit 'heavy' if they let you talk.

I think all you can do is chat to them about stuff, lighthearted stuff for a while and then after a while occasionally go into something deeper. x

What if you volunteer information and tell them about a few things going on in your life? Do you think this would give them a kind of starting point to then later ask about these things?

With my own parents, we are not close but I do ask them what they've been up to. However, sometimes I don't bother because they don't actually ever do anything and usually have nothing to talk about! It's quite saddening actually.

My mum was a Labour councillor and was out of the house most of the time, so I couldn't avoid knowing she had her own personality really (even though she played martyr when I said that in my teens and claimed that I didn't.)

She had a lot to make up for in terms of emotional warmth, but made up for it very quickly when my parents split up in my late teens and she was able to spend more emotional energy on us rather than his moods.

I suppose part of my point is someone can have too much of an outside-the-home persona to the extent they emotionally neglect their children, so that's not necessarily a good thing either if taken to extremes.

@catsareme14 Maybe let them know how you feel? I don't know how you could phrase it. I kind of get the impression they think you're a bit of a downer. If you have things that get you down in life then therapy/treatment can have a knock-on effect of improving your relatiionships with others (this is not necessarily a criticism, I've had loads of therapy and treatment etc over the years.)

With my own parents, we are not close but I do ask them what they've been up to. However, sometimes I don't bother because they don't actually ever do anything and usually have nothing to talk about! It's quite saddening actually.

@whyhell0there My dad's a bit like that but we can chat about current affairs (nothing detailed or anything, just 'blimey, look at what Boris/Meghan/Trump etc have done now' etc. We seem to somehow manage that without arguing usually. He also occasionally watches or reads something. He whines about not knowing the details of my life but he chose not to stay local and stuff. My shit would only freak him out anyway.

Op can I please ask the gender of your children? I only ask this as I have a boy (1 year old) but all I see on here seems to be a lot of boys mums don't count, and it makes me a little worried for the future. I'm very close, as a woman to my mum and would love the same relationship with my son

I'm not the OP, but I have 1 ds and 2 dds.

Not my experience at all with my relationship with my ds; nor my brother with our Mum when she was alive; nor my BiL with his Mum ; nor my other BiL with his Mum, etc etc etc. Remember that people post on here when they have problems in their relationship but that therefore doesn't reflect society.
Nobody starts a relationship thread to say "I have had another perfectly ordinary week with my loving dh, great grown up dc, kind and friend in-laws" do they ?

Your kids shouldn’t be your counselors or confidantes. Yes, they should care about your well-being, but not be there for you to lean on all the time. Even when they are adults. You should have friends for that. Your kids are not your friends. I have a feeling that there is also a back story you haven’t mentioned... like, did your kids disapprove of Ex before you married him? Do you have a pattern of falling for shit men?

I have four , all adults and the same thing , only one of them shows any real notice of me as a human with a life outside of my ‘ roles ‘ for the others , one in particular I think I exist as a babysitter and mother / grandmother .

And ftr I agree kids shouldn’t be our counsellora or confidante but they should recognise us as more than just useful resources for them and as human beings with feelings and lives just as men are given throughout their entire life cycle regardless of parental status

Not sure about my little un but my 11 year old asks me about my day and if I've been out asks me about that. The puppet. Sometimes she's just being polite and sometimes she's genuinely interested. I encourage her to ask things like that and make a positive fuss when she does.
I think it's really important to be seen as a person, not just as a mum, or dad or whatever.
But it's the hardest for mums in general.

Ha ha, poppet not puppet!