Insulting or am honest conversation ?

[prettydandelions]

For context , I've been accused of trying to sabotage my relationship with my partner of a year , by some
Friends and family. My counsellor tells me that while it is not a good thing, it's very common when a woman's trust has been broken. We are working through it ."
My partner and I were discussing looks/ physiques / gym bodies / youth etc and within the context of that conversation , he said that ...' perhaps we( meaning him and I) could ' do better..' but why would we do that when the personality: fun/ humour / values etc wouldn't be compatible .'
I cut straight in on the conversation saying that it was an awful thing to say to which he immediately responded by saying that I had misinterpreted him , that he was pointing out that of course there are people out there better looking/ fitter/ slimmer than us but they don't have the whole package .. it's only a part of who they are . I am
Still angry and feel insulted . Am I over reacting to this ( picking holes againas my brother describes it ) or was he just being straight and honest . He was talking about both of us who for context are slightly overweight, flabby and fairly attractive looking .
Do I bring this up again because I do t want to be anyone's second choice if he felt he could' do better' ?

It’s an odd conversation. I can’t think in any scenario my DH saying oh we could both do better.

Are you happy with your partner?

Very much so. I'm very disappointed

I don’t think it sounds like he thinks he could do better. I think he means you are better than one of these Barbie dolls because you are still attractive ( although not thin) and have the complete package. He also might be saying if you become a gym addict then he won’t be able to keep up.

For context my husband has said we could both do better at keeping fit and healthy and he’s right.

Surely he means that you both could do better at looking after yourselves, eating more healthily etc rather than find a " better partner"?

No I think he meant find a better looking/ bodied partner

Or that there are better looking, fitter people out there than us that we could find , but then
We wouldn't have the whole
Package

Sounds like a perfectly normal and reasonable conversation to me. If you had reacted like this to me I would have been very bemused that you had taken it as insult and that it somehow meant you were second best.
Do you have something in your past that this triggers because you do sound very sensitive.

I think your partner is saying that he values you as “the whole package” above some hypothetical person who may be considered more physically attractive. I wouldn’t be offended by this. I’m reasonably attractive but have no doubt that there are more beautiful women out there. It doesn’t mean my partner would be interested in a relationship with them above the one he has with me.

Yes I was abandoned overnight along with my Kids by my very
Loving and kind husband after 20 years of marriage for a colleague . This was a number of years ago.
This relationship is my first since then.

I think you're overreacting. Sounds an ok conversation to me and as if he was being chummy and couple like talking about 'we're. Is it an area you're a bit sensitive about? Sounds like it's touched a raw nerve rather than it being deliberately hurtful.

You're being ridiculous. It's quite obvious he was in fact complimenting your compatibility.

@prettydandelions

Or that there are better looking, fitter people out there than us that we could find , but then We wouldn't have the whole Package

What exactly is wrong with that? You said yourself that you aren't perfect physically but no-one bases relationships in physical attraction entirely, or indeed much at all?

Yes I am overweight don't feel great lately . I have put on a
Good 7kgs since lockdown and
It doesn't suit me. I'm
Body conscious and he isnt great to give compliments, ( the ones he gives are genuine and thoughtful ) as much as I was used to but now of course I know that this compliments meant shit .

• those

Seriously he was not being nasty at all or indicating he could do better than you. I think with your last post you may be feeling insecure that he will leave "for someone better" and that has made you misjudge the situation.

Sounds more like he values you for who you are and although you BOTH could be slimmer and healthier in your
lifestyles those other people who are maybe slimmer/healthier/prettier aren't a patch on you.

Please don't self sabotage this relationship.

He lost an awful lot of weight some years ago and is hyper aware of his tendency to put on wright and never wants to
Go back there so he notices that in people , as he often comments .. not negatively ... but championing those who battle their weight demons . It is like he is almost scared of going back to that level of obesity .

What do you mean "his compliments mean shit"? Honestly, OP, I get that you are understandably hurt by your last relationship but you really need to take a step back and get some perspective on what this guy is doing. Obviously we only see what you tell us but what you have told us is a guy doing his best to be an honest and supportive partner giving you real and encouraging compliments. I really see nothing whatsoever to get upset about here

Also think that it touched a raw nerve and that you are not unsurprisingly a bit insecure because of past treatment.
I think you should bring it up again or it wll fester. Admit that you feel worried about the comment and why and ask what was really intended. From the way you described it, it could mean any of several things. Give him a chance to explain. He probably didn't think deeply about what he was saying before he said it and might not have meant it in an adverse way.

Maybe you misinterpreted him? Just to clarify did he mean you could both do better/improve by losing weight and getting fitter? Or did he mean you could both do better in terms of attractive partners? If it's the latter, it really doesn't make much sense.

Honestly OP, your partner may have worded it clumsily but what he was saying is yes, people like David Beckham and Jennifer Lopez exist (and equivalent looking people that aren't famous), but that looks aren't everything as you both have the "whole package" with each other and that's what he wants.

Your family and friends seem to be on the right track when they are saying you're sabotaging a good relationship. Did you have any counselling when your ex left? It must have been quite the blow for you

@pog100 . The compliments from
Exh I meant . He was always very complimentary even while sleeping with colleague, so I know they meant shit .
What he said as far as I can gather , was that perhaps we could have more beautiful : slimmer/ fitter partners but they wouldnt have the whole package so why would we bother .

I think it’s a realistic and inoffensive comment.

I did@biggreengrinch but not thing could have prepared me for the lack of trust or sense of foreboding that would come with a new relationship. The doubts and the anxiety that goes with wondering f a partner is cheating . Of course I'm not fully healed but I think in order to really trust again, I have to start somewhere .
He gives me no reason to doubt him and is committed. He knows I struggle with the weight again and has been supportive and complimentary on my progress so I guess the issue is mine .

Ok sorry I misunderstood your reference to the past meaningless compliments.
I stand by my assertion that what your new partner said isn't insulting or putting you down at all, just an honest appraisal of your relationship. Would you prefer he lied?