Insulting or am honest conversation ?

[prettydandelions]

For context , I've been accused of trying to sabotage my relationship with my partner of a year , by some
Friends and family. My counsellor tells me that while it is not a good thing, it's very common when a woman's trust has been broken. We are working through it ."
My partner and I were discussing looks/ physiques / gym bodies / youth etc and within the context of that conversation , he said that ...' perhaps we( meaning him and I) could ' do better..' but why would we do that when the personality: fun/ humour / values etc wouldn't be compatible .'
I cut straight in on the conversation saying that it was an awful thing to say to which he immediately responded by saying that I had misinterpreted him , that he was pointing out that of course there are people out there better looking/ fitter/ slimmer than us but they don't have the whole package .. it's only a part of who they are . I am
Still angry and feel insulted . Am I over reacting to this ( picking holes againas my brother describes it ) or was he just being straight and honest . He was talking about both of us who for context are slightly overweight, flabby and fairly attractive looking .
Do I bring this up again because I do t want to be anyone's second choice if he felt he could' do better' ?

No @pog100 .. I just thought his wording was hurtful.
I can see that I over reacted . It doesn't help that his exes were very attractive and slim and he himself
Is very attractive.

My partner and I have had this exact conversation, yes there are more good looking people, although neither of us is too bad but we wouldn't trade what we have (the whole package) just for a bit of eye candy it's realistic

@prettydandelions I do understand, my situation was similar and sometimes I catch myself attempting to sabotage my relationship, in a way sometimes I feel like I don't deserve it?

Do you think (and I'm sort of typing out loud here as I also have a lot to unpack with my past relationship) it might be a good idea to have counselling again but around your present relationship rather than a past one? I understand how hard it is to move forward when the past has had such a detrimental impact.

I think that's a good idea @biggreengrinch . He is a good one and I'm
Prone to overthinking and being hypersensitive .

I think that you're understandably insecure after your previous experience and this has made you a bit oversensitive.

The comment didn't come out of the blue; it occurred naturally in the context of a conversation. He wasn't criticising you; he was being realistic about the both of you.

Nothing wrong with saying that there are plenty of people who are fitter and more attractive than you both. Most of us are pretty average so that is accurate for most of us.

The important thing is that he told you that there are so many things that he does value about you. Saying that he sees you as the whole package is telling you that you're the person he wants to be with and is a far more genuine and meaningful compliment than a slick one-liner.

So, it looks like in the past he was sold by the packaging, but now looking back at himself can see that it was a superficial way to choose a partner. I can see why you've got your radar on high alert, but in this case I think he was just trying to voice his feelings, maybe a bit clumsily. Unless this is just one example of many similar instances, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

@prettydandelions I don't know him but nothing you've said on this thread gives me any indication that he's anything less than a great guy. Don't beat yourself up that your insecurities sometimes bubble to the surface, see them for what they are and take steps to help yourself heal. I'm sure your DP will be supportive in this.

He will often compliment me on me as a person and occasionally on the physical . He is open and honest and kind but also damaged

He is supportive . I've been honest with hi. And said that I'm only learning to trust again and that he will need to be patient but that I was aware of how ridiculous and over sensitive I can be at times.

@pickingdaisies I agree that the superficial was very important to him in the past and he recognises this .
I called him out for being shallow a couple
Of times at the start of our relationship for
Passing comments on film stars beauty... male and
Female etc while watching tv. He was very surprised but I haven't heard a dicky bird since!

I don't think he said anything wrong. If he had have said that he thought he could do better (e.g. implying that he thinks he is more attractive than you) that would clearly be completely different. But he seems to have been trying to complement your relationship, I think?

I’m normally quick with a LTB but I honestly think you’re in the wrong here. I think it was an odd conversation anyway and I think his response was fair enough. It was an honest opinion on looks. Let’s face it. There are millions of better looking people than everyone unless you’re Kate Hudson or JLO. I wouldn’t be offended by that. He then actually said a nice thing by saying all the really important things like personality etc you’ve got. So you’re gone mental at him for a compliment! I think you need help as you’re sabotaging. You should apologise.

Also, you’re berating him for saying film stars are hot? Sorry but that’s weird. Stop that. I always comment on someone like Chris hemsworth with a phwoarrr

[quote prettydandelions]@pickingdaisies I agree that the superficial was very important to him in the past and he recognises this .
I called him out for being shallow a couple
Of times at the start of our relationship for
Passing comments on film stars beauty... male and
Female etc while watching tv. He was very surprised but I haven't heard a dicky bird since! [/quote]
Hmm I'm unsure about what this means OP. Passing comments about people being beautiful doesn't make someone a shallow / superficial person. I'll quite often say "god she's gorgeous isn't she?" about someone on tv / in a film and I don't think it makes my other half feel anything bad about me, and I'm bi! Likewise he would say "aren't her eyes amazing?" etc and I wouldn't feel he was a dick for doing so. If he said something disrespectful or objectifying then obviously I would have an issue, but he's not a prick so doesn't say stuff like that!

Can you give examples of stuff he would say in that situation that bothered you?

Only as it's hard to see if he's adapted normal behaviour because you're insecure / sensitive about looks related comments, or if he was being disrespectful and you set a healthy boundaries.

perhaps we( meaning him and I) could ' do better..' but why would we do that when the personality: fun/ humour / values etc wouldn't be compatible

I read this one of two ways :

1. Perhaps you could both work on your fitness, but why bother as you're not compatable as a couple anyway

1. Perhaps you could both find more attractive partners, but why would you when together you have tghe full package

Either way, I find both comments odd. If he meant it like No1 above, he's saying the relationship is dead. If he's saying it like No2 above, he's admitting that at least one of you could atttract someone more attractive, which means that he thinks one of you is "punching".

Or maybe he's just like my DH who often says things entirely wrong and I have to dig for what he actually means!!

[quote prettydandelions]@pickingdaisies I agree that the superficial was very important to him in the past and he recognises this .
I called him out for being shallow a couple
Of times at the start of our relationship for
Passing comments on film stars beauty... male and
Female etc while watching tv. He was very surprised but I haven't heard a dicky bird since! [/quote]
OP, I think you need time to work through what happened with your ex - because your behaviour here is controlling, imo.

most people can work on improving their health and fitness.
it's part but not the only aspect of a relationship.
sounds like you need to work through some challenges and it may be best if you did this on your own.

Are you denying there are better looking people out there? I think what hes saying is he doesn't need someone better looking, he loves you for you and your whole package. I'm not sure what your insulted about. Do you deny that you could have found a better looking partner but might not have Been as compatible with them? I think that's what he meant to say. Maybe a bit cackhanded but I think it was a compliment

Still angry and feel insulted . Am I over reacting to this ( picking holes againas my brother describes it ) or was he just being straight and honest . He was talking about both of us who for context are slightly overweight, flabby and fairly attractive looking
Do I bring this up again because I do t want to be anyone's second choice if he felt he could' do better' ?

I really can't see any reason for you to feel insulted.
So yes, you are over reacting. Well, in truth, you are looking for an insult in a compliment. That is quite strange behaviour.
If my partner reacted in the way you have, I would be giving some serious consideration to whether I wanted to stay with someone long term, who can't have a theoretical conversation about hypothetical people without twisting it totally. I wouldn't want to be treading on eggshells every time I spoke to a partner.

It sounds like your brother has it spot on.

He actually said the opposite of you being second best, as you have reported it to us

So he said he could probably pull a woman with a fitter gym body than you have but she wouldn’t be the whole package you are.
Seems fair enough given what you’ve said about not being in peak condition and sounds like he appreciates you for more than your body.
AND he also said he think you could pull a fitter man than him. Which sounds like a compliment to me.

I called him out for being shallow a couple
Of times at the start of our relationship for
Passing comments on film stars beauty... male and
Female etc while watching tv. He was very surprised

Again - this is really odd, that you think a person can't notice that some film / TV / sports star is attractive, and comment on it.

It really is quite controlling of you to stop him voicing an opinion like that. I'm not surprised that he was surprised. People have always admired film stars / models / sports heroes. It has nothing to do with whether you find your current partner attractive or not, and is in no way insulting. Some people that I can think are pretty easy on the eye could be younger than my dc. I obviously would not, for a minute, feel any connection to them in real life, but I can still notice that this pop star or footballer or TV star has a nice bod or a lovely smile or an attractive face or whatever.

I think you probably need to stick with your counselling and sort out your issues before trying to have a relationship with anyone, tbh.

I think it's a perfectly innocuous comment.

You sound incredibly hard work, to be honest. You were angry and insulted?

You just sound massively touchy and yes, if you continue like this you will be sabotaging your relationship. I too was abandoned with my kids.

I don't take it out on everyone around. I just accept that I was married to a dickhead and don't assume everyone else has to walk on eggshells round me.

Thanks everybody. I know I'm
Damaged and have a lot of work to do. I appreciate all of your comments and take them on board.

It's hard to accept that sometimes we're not as far along in terms of progress as we'd first thought or hoped, @prettydandelions. But if you can commit to working things through in counselling/therapy, then you're already better off than you were the day before.

And then hopefully one day you'll be able to see yourself not as "damaged", but as someone who was doing the best they can at the time given the experiences they had had.

All the best.

Much appreciated thank you.