DP never lived on his own

[dinowheel]

I've been with my DP for around a year and a half. We've started having conversations about moving in together at some point towards the end of the year. However something is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being unfair.

DP has never lived on his own. He was at home until his late 20s, then moved in with his ex (her house), then when they separated he moved back home. It was supposed to be temporary but he's still there 4 years later. He's now mid 30s.

It's just his Mum at home. I've asked why he never got his own place as his childhood home was only supposed to be for a few months until he got on his feet and he said it's financial reasons.

I am worried that if we moved in together he wouldn't pull his weight or have any idea about house 'admin' as he's never had to do any of that.

Am I just being unfair or could this potentially end up being a disaster?

Your boyfriend has financial problems that stop him from moving out on his own. Is your boyfriend expecting you to foot most of the bills by yourself?

Never living alone wouldn't be a problem to me but living with mummy in his thirties for financial reasons would raise a huge red flag.

Does ‘financial reasons’ mean he’s too tight to spend his money on rent and it’s cheaper and easier to live with his mother? (Thinking of exh here.) Or is he in debt or on a low wage or unemployed or something?

It's common around here where I live and dh lived at college and worked in the city but then moved in home. I did feel he didn't take on all the admin and wife work here but over time he did and a huge benefit was a decent deposit we could put down on a forever larger home.

@Azerothi

Your boyfriend has financial problems that stop him from moving out on his own. Is your boyfriend expecting you to foot most of the bills by yourself?

Never living alone wouldn't be a problem to me but living with mummy in his thirties for financial reasons would raise a huge red flag.

This.

Does he pull his weight in other parts of your relationship ?

Best case scenario is that the ‘financial reasons’ were him saving for a deposit and being around to keep his Mum company. Why would you spend on two households unnecessarily?

Worst case scenario he’s a feckless, cocklodging Mummy’s boy who doesn’t lift a finger.

Or he’s somewhere in between. You are the one who knows him OP. What are your instincts telling you? Have you seen how he behaves at home and towards his DM?

My DH was like this. Lived at home till his 20s, then with his best mate, then his ex, then back with his mum. Now we live together and he’s great! Helps out with everything, great at DIY, fab cook, generous with his time and money. I think his ex was really strict so he was broken in.

By contrast, my first DH had had years of living with friends, girlfriends and by himself but, as a husband, was a lazy selfish idiot who’d never help with anything without wanting something in return.

I consider myself lucky that I could afford to live alone and could avoid house shares in my twenties. DH has always lived with someone. But mostly in house shares.it sounds like your DP is comfortable with the set up, there is no incentive to move out of his mum's.

@BestestBrownies My instincts are that he's somewhere in between. His Dad died in an accident about 10 years ago so I think it's partly to keep his Mum company (although I've heard her making comments about him needing to move out!).

He doesn't have any debt but the area we live in is quite expensive to rent and he'd need 2 beds as he has a daughter. He's not a high earner so he wouldn't have much left over each month.

I also think he's quite comfortable where he is as he doesn't have to deal with most things other people do who have their own houses as his Mum does that. He helps with the cooking and does his own washing / ironing but that's about it.

Yes it's potentially a disaster but it could also be fine. You need to talk to him about your concerns and agree in advance about expectations and who will do each household chore/admin (including how often and to what standard).

I’d think very carefully before moving in with him and agree everything like the division of costs, housework and parenting.

How many nights a week has his daughter stay with him at his mums for the last four years?

It’s very very difficult to be a step mum because usually you are expected to do all the grunt work of parenting but have none of the nice bits.

Based on your last post the biggest red flag for me is that he hasn’t adulted even though he has a daughter. He lives with his mum even though he has a daughter? How does contact go? How long to does he parent his daughter or does his mum share that load too?
Honestly, I think you would become the default parent on top of everything else. I would enjoy dating but that’s it.

Hmmmm. Not having any debt isn’t much of an achievement if he lives at home. After 4 years he should have substantial savings.

Sounds like he does the bare minimum of household chores (and only those that directly benefit him).

What’s the appeal of living together for you OP? You’d have his DC there during contact time (regardless of how your week has been and whether you want peace and quiet or to entertain your own family or friends).

What don’t you like about the current arrangement that would improve by living together?

apart from a 2 year relationship when i moved out ,i lived at home with my parents , i only moved out again when i was 32 , and yes it was because i really was quite content with it , i didnt want to spend more than half my wages paying out for rent on a place plus all the other bills , it was nice to come home to a cooked dinner and not have to do all my washing and ironing , the most i ever did was keep my room tidy and dusted . when i moved into M 2 bed house i just naturally started doing all the things most people do when they are in a relationship , keeping it tidy , washing up , dusting , all of it .. its a bit sad i think that we judge people still living with a parent in their older years as mummies boys or girls , assume they dont know how to fricken operate a tumble dryer and the like . in our society it still seems to be the norm that children should be moved out by the time they are in their 20s or its considered odd , but other cultures including mine do not have this view towards their children ,
i worked with a greek lady once and she said she was amazed that english people expect their kids to move out of their homes just for the sake of it , as in before they meet a partner , its just not done in greece and to be fair i agree , im never going to make my daughter feel shes got to move just because shes an adult , as far as im concerned its her home and she can live in it as long as she wants to .
the lines seem to blur as its seen as an adult who lives at home with parents is not somehow an adult or grown up and its really not the case .

He might have done household running and admin in his first relationship.

This would put me off.

Tbh any adult who had a habit of going to live with their parents when a relationship didn’t work out (for longer than a few weeks while they sorted another place) wouldn’t be someone I’d be interested in. Where’s his sense of independence, or pride? He sounds like he lacks drive. The fact he has a child too and hasn’t felt the need to make a home for the two of them rings alarm bells.

Some people wouldn’t mind it and it’s not that I think it makes someone a bad person, it just throws up all kinds of pink flags for immaturity, lack of drive and ambition, lack of independence. I want someone who can stand on their own two feet. And takes pride in doing so.

i didnt want to spend more than half my wages paying out for rent on a place plus all the other bills , it was nice to come home to a cooked dinner and not have to do all my washing and ironing , the most i ever did was keep my room tidy and dusted . when i moved into M 2 bed house i just naturally started doing all the things most people do when they are in a relationship , keeping it tidy , washing up , dusting , all of it .. its a bit sad i think that we judge people still living with a parent in their older years as mummies boys or girls , assume they dont know how to fricken operate a tumble dryer and the like

you’ve perfectly explained why people have that perception. When you were living with your parents you didn’t participate in running the house like equals, you got a free ride financially (or a very cheap one below what it’d have cost you to rent privately) and allowed your parents to run around after you as if you were still an incapable child, cooking for you and cleaning for you and doing your laundry. I’d be ashamed to let my parents treat me that way tbh.

Sure, you finally got your own place and learned household skills, but there’s no way for someone else to know whether you would do that or whether you’d continue being helpless and unable to run a home. Some people really struggle having not done things like laundry, cooking and cleaning for their entire adult lives, and end up living in a hovel or expecting someone else to do it all because that’s what they’re used to.

@LavenderLollies

i didnt want to spend more than half my wages paying out for rent on a place plus all the other bills , it was nice to come home to a cooked dinner and not have to do all my washing and ironing , the most i ever did was keep my room tidy and dusted . when i moved into M 2 bed house i just naturally started doing all the things most people do when they are in a relationship , keeping it tidy , washing up , dusting , all of it .. its a bit sad i think that we judge people still living with a parent in their older years as mummies boys or girls , assume they dont know how to fricken operate a tumble dryer and the like

you’ve perfectly explained why people have that perception. When you were living with your parents you didn’t participate in running the house like equals, you got a free ride financially (or a very cheap one below what it’d have cost you to rent privately) and allowed your parents to run around after you as if you were still an incapable child, cooking for you and cleaning for you and doing your laundry. I’d be ashamed to let my parents treat me that way tbh.

Sure, you finally got your own place and learned household skills, but there’s no way for someone else to know whether you would do that or whether you’d continue being helpless and unable to run a home. Some people really struggle having not done things like laundry, cooking and cleaning for their entire adult lives, and end up living in a hovel or expecting someone else to do it all because that’s what they’re used to.

i never asked or expected my mother to do these things for me , i used to come home and shed done it all , the sneering comment oh id be helpless and unable to run a home just says it all in the judgement we have in this culture of looking down our noses at those that choose to still be at home , what makes you think that i was helpless or any other adult living still at home ? most people know how to wash up dishes , vaccum and dust , i think you need to be ashamed for having such a shit judgemental attitude . oh and i actually liked my parents company and they liked mine . my mum had always said none of us ever had to move out until we were ready , not all adults stay at home for convineance , you have perfectly explained the judgemntal attitude that displays complete ignorace im afraid . going to be interesting in the future as more and more adults are now forced to live at home as they save for a huge deposit to get on the housing ladder , cant rent as the prices are so high it would eat up all their salary , the battle cry of oh he ,shes still at home and hasnt adulted up , gained independance and all the rest of that crap is going to be a lame argument

Woah woah woah!

Hold your horses!

So you want to take on csregiving for his daughter?

Because that's what we're talking about!

Of course he's talking about moving in after only a year and a half. Since he needs a 2 bed, and Mum is getting sick of him, they only way he gets out of her house is to join up with someone else. And there you are!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Him having his own place would not be a guarantee that he’d pull his weight if you were to live together. If you were to live together I’d make damn sure you and he were on the same page and you had no intention in picking up his slack. On the plus side, if it didn’t work out you could he could go back to him Mum’s without the tedium of him hanging around for months whilst he looked for a new place.

Communication, communication, communication and start off as you mean to go on, by not getting into the bad habit of being the ‘responsible’ one by default.

@LavenderLollies

i didnt want to spend more than half my wages paying out for rent on a place plus all the other bills , it was nice to come home to a cooked dinner and not have to do all my washing and ironing , the most i ever did was keep my room tidy and dusted . when i moved into M 2 bed house i just naturally started doing all the things most people do when they are in a relationship , keeping it tidy , washing up , dusting , all of it .. its a bit sad i think that we judge people still living with a parent in their older years as mummies boys or girls , assume they dont know how to fricken operate a tumble dryer and the like

you’ve perfectly explained why people have that perception. When you were living with your parents you didn’t participate in running the house like equals, you got a free ride financially (or a very cheap one below what it’d have cost you to rent privately) and allowed your parents to run around after you as if you were still an incapable child, cooking for you and cleaning for you and doing your laundry. I’d be ashamed to let my parents treat me that way tbh.

Sure, you finally got your own place and learned household skills, but there’s no way for someone else to know whether you would do that or whether you’d continue being helpless and unable to run a home. Some people really struggle having not done things like laundry, cooking and cleaning for their entire adult lives, and end up living in a hovel or expecting someone else to do it all because that’s what they’re used to.

Yeah exactly. At their parents house they were able to be lazy and took full advantage of that, then they moved into a new situation where they were forced to pull their weight so they did. The concern is that they felt no guilt in taking advantage of their mum's kindness and therefore may jump at any opportunity to do the same sort of thing with their partner!

To be fair to him he does parent his daughter. The most his Mum does is make dinner when she's there.

I do think it's all a little convenient for him though and I wouldn't be impressed if we moved in together and he did bugger all when it came to the house stuff.

Sorry, massive red flags for me. Bad with money, no motivation, no desire to live independently, and a child to contend with. What a keeper.

You can do far better than this.

You’ll just have to have a proper talk and set some boundaries before you move in.

@ElspethFlashman

Woah woah woah!

Hold your horses!

So you want to take on csregiving for his daughter?

Because that's what we're talking about!

Of course he's talking about moving in after only a year and a half. Since he needs a 2 bed, and Mum is getting sick of him, they only way he gets out of her house is to join up with someone else. And there you are!

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is roughly what I was thinking.

Has he managed to save up a lot of money whilst living with his mum? If not, it doesn't seem likely he will be able to buy a house anytime soon, are you planning on buying one?