DP never lived on his own

[dinowheel]

I've been with my DP for around a year and a half. We've started having conversations about moving in together at some point towards the end of the year. However something is niggling at me and I'm not sure if I'm being unfair.

DP has never lived on his own. He was at home until his late 20s, then moved in with his ex (her house), then when they separated he moved back home. It was supposed to be temporary but he's still there 4 years later. He's now mid 30s.

It's just his Mum at home. I've asked why he never got his own place as his childhood home was only supposed to be for a few months until he got on his feet and he said it's financial reasons.

I am worried that if we moved in together he wouldn't pull his weight or have any idea about house 'admin' as he's never had to do any of that.

Am I just being unfair or could this potentially end up being a disaster?

@Famousinlove He has got savings but not enough for a deposit I dont think. I already own my house.

I already own my house.

He's looking for a free ride and thinks he's found one. You'll end up being his child minder, too. FGS, get rid of this loser.

My partner lived at home when we met (I’d moved away for university and then came back whilst I figured out my next move, ended up getting a job so stayed longer than planned!)
Quite soon into the relationship I got pregnant and we moved in together, he’s been absolutely fine, he had to learn to do a few things but his parents had really looked after him (for example he didn’t know how to go about sending a parcel at the post office.)
6 years and 2 kids later he’s probably better at adulting than I am!

I think it's partly to keep his Mum company (although I've heard her making comments about him needing to move out!).

Presumably he heard this comment (and it's unlikely to have been the first one she's made) - if that was me, I'd have been on RightMove lining up viewings before my mum had even reached the end of her sentence.

If you think he's got potential, I'd suggest inviting him to move in with you on a trial basis, and see how he does. Be very clear and upfront about what you expect in terms of bills and housework/admin. If he steps up, great! If he starts off well but then gets slack, you can ask him to fuck off back to mummy's.

I'm assuming you've already met his DD and there are no problems there - but if not, perhaps he could continue to have his contact with her at his mums; I'm sure his mum will be happy to continue seeing her GD anyway. Then a gradual introduction to you.

Suggest sorting out a household rota between you and see if he shits himself.then you'll know if he's a potential cock lodger.

He could be saving up for his own place. It's not that unusual nowadays for adult children to stay with parents owing to housing costs.

Talk to him about it, then you will be able to assess the situation.

Have you talked about splitting bills yet OP? Because he should be paying two thirds ( for him and daughter) and you one third, or was he hoping to move into your home rent free and you subsidise his daughter? I think don't live together, I would just date and not get too attached depending on if you want marriage and kids or not, if you do want marriage and kids walk away.

I already own my house.

Would you marry him? Coz one of the main reasons for moving in with someone is a kind of trial marriage. The other reason is to share finances.

Whats wrong with just dating and living separately?

I sense a need to be cautious. I don't think you are being unfair.

Is this a wind up? Because every post is yet another drip feed?

Why did he split with his ex is the real question you need to ask here. I think that will give you a better steer on whether or not to move him and his daughter in.

Potentially it could be a disaster, but then it may also work.

Have you discussed your expectations with him? Ie. How much he contributes financially? Housework etc, Also, where does he foresee his daughter in the scenario going forward? Have you room for a bedroom for her, and any children you may have together?

Could you have a trial period?

Oh god lol this reminds me of a guy I knew of, was in a relationship with a girl I knew they never ended up getting a home together I think he may of moved in with her as she got a council place. But when things didn't work out, he went back to his mother's, and never changed anything. I think he might even live at home still now, we'd be talking about someone in their 40's!

You must be the answer to his mother's prayers!
I really wouldn't - he's fine for dinner/shag on Saturday nights, just not for life.
If you really must, I'd make it very, very clear that he's there on approval - and can be bagged up and returned to mum without notice.

Just a thought, does he pay rent to his mum, or a lot in child maintenance? If not, he should have quite a lot saved up over four years. If he has a relatively small amount, then that’s a potential red flag because he’s not planning for the future, but a coaster.

(I appreciate house deposits are high, so not necessarily enough for a house deposit, but a decent wage. How much is he saving compared to his take home wage?)

My brother lived at home until his late 20s, moved in with a mate, moved back home again and didn't move out until he bought a house with his now wife in his mid 30s (London). He saved substantially while living at home, plus our mum was on her own and I lived far away (another continent) so she was happy of the company.

He's completely able to run a home with his wife and their kids, but he also saved a LOT while he was living at home.

I've never lived on my own - at home for 18 years, travelling, uni, moved to London flat share, bought flat with then DP, bought houses with now DH. Someone still living at home with mum in their mid-30s???! Good grief, no Past 25 is pushing it (illness etc notwithstanding)

Put your foot down, no living together until his daughter has moved out, really sounds like he wants a free nanny and housekeeper. You can have a relationship without living together.

@chaosrabbitland

apart from a 2 year relationship when i moved out ,i lived at home with my parents , i only moved out again when i was 32 , and yes it was because i really was quite content with it , i didnt want to spend more than half my wages paying out for rent on a place plus all the other bills , it was nice to come home to a cooked dinner and not have to do all my washing and ironing , the most i ever did was keep my room tidy and dusted . when i moved into M 2 bed house i just naturally started doing all the things most people do when they are in a relationship , keeping it tidy , washing up , dusting , all of it .. its a bit sad i think that we judge people still living with a parent in their older years as mummies boys or girls , assume they dont know how to fricken operate a tumble dryer and the like . in our society it still seems to be the norm that children should be moved out by the time they are in their 20s or its considered odd , but other cultures including mine do not have this view towards their children , i worked with a greek lady once and she said she was amazed that english people expect their kids to move out of their homes just for the sake of it , as in before they meet a partner , its just not done in greece and to be fair i agree , im never going to make my daughter feel shes got to move just because shes an adult , as far as im concerned its her home and she can live in it as long as she wants to . the lines seem to blur as its seen as an adult who lives at home with parents is not somehow an adult or grown up and its really not the case .

All three of my kids have returned at one time or another.

I did their washing. I occasionally cooked.

They ironed, they cleaned, they cooked. They helped out.

They did not return to a full-service establishment.

[quote dinowheel]@Famousinlove He has got savings but not enough for a deposit I dont think. I already own my house. [/quote]
Ahhhh, of course you do.

I was wondering. Am not remotely surprised.

So when you say you're having conversations about moving in together, you mean you're having conversations about him and his daughter moving into the house you've worked hard for.

So he goes from one Mums house to another.

Free house, and he gets a stepmum for his daughter too.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND????!

My DH (60) has never lived alone. He went from home to his first marriage, divorced, rented a room in a friend's flat then moved in with me & we've been married for 20 years.

He's pretty good round the house, excellent at admin and odd jobs and happy to clean. He's not great with cooking or washing, mind you.

I don't think it's a red flag.

Assuming you don't have kids of your own and are free to fuck up, have some really honest conversations with him about expectations and perhaps just trial living together for 3 months. If he doesn't pull his weight and pay his way, out he goes again.

Op I’d be wary of his intentions and your gut feeling.

I moved out at 20 and shared houses got into debt as low wages but had a lovely time. My partner lived at home Into to his 30s and he is fine in our house. He had amazing savings which helped our deposit etc. He is great around the house/garden etc. He had tried to buy before I met him but got gazumped and messed around and it put him off for a while.

Admittedly his mum is a lovely homemaker and made it very easy for him to stay there. In many cultures generations of family stay together, sometimes married couples live with parents until they have money for their own houses. Some married couples move back in with parents to save for a house etc.

People are different and live different lives. It’s not always so cut and dry as some people see.

It’s not the “not living on one’s own” that’s the issue, it’s the not leaving home. Part of a parent’s job is to give their children the tools to be independent and live an independent adult life, not hang on to their DC. That doesn’t make the relationship any less close, but someone who’s been happy to live with mum and dad past their mid 20s wouldn’t be my first choice of life partner.

It really depends on your boyfriend. It is right to be cautious, as it seems very convenient that you own your own home, he has a daughter and his mum wants him to move out. I bet he is not suggesting you sell up and buy together, or you renting out your place and renting together. Personally I dislike going out with men who live with parents, they always end up at mine, which means I get all the extra work/expense or you can’t fully relax at his. It’s never an equal relationship.

@Youcanleaveyourhaton

Does ‘financial reasons’ mean he’s too tight to spend his money on rent and it’s cheaper and easier to live with his mother? (Thinking of exh here.) Or is he in debt or on a low wage or unemployed or something?

This.

From what I've seen, single mothers tend to spoil their sons, especially if their son's dads is absent/limited contact so these boys/men end up expecting the same dynamic in other women. It's simply not normal for a grown man that age to still voluntarily want to be living that long with their mum unless he's her carer.