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Original poster

Choosing a partner over kids

73 replies

Lostinthesauce · 11/04/2021 00:35

So I am going through a messy divorce at the moment. It's still not finalised as we're going through court. Before my divorce me and stbxh had been trying for a baby, as I wanted our child to have a sibling close in age and I've always wanted two kids.

Fast forward to today, I have a lovely partner who I have fallen for and I have never experienced love properly until I met him. I am 30 years old and my partner is 55. When we started dating I told him I wanted one more child and while in the relationship he told me that he was open to the idea. My divorce is dragging, he has reevaluated his life and he's now told me he feels too old for a child. I would not have started a relationship with him, if I had known this. I am now in love with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. I love him, but I feel our relationship now has an inevitable ending. I fear that I could end the relationship and not find someone as good as him and not have children at all. But on the other hand I could meet someone and have kids. I'm not getting any younger and I'm confused what to do. If I stay with him, I fear I could end up resenting him, but on the other hand the idea of losing him scares me.

I would like honest opinions please or some advice.

OP posts:
RaiseTheBeastie · 11/04/2021 00:39

You're 30. There's every chance you have another solid 15 years in which to have more children - plenty of time, more than enough.

I would end it. Or one day you'll find yourself 45, taking care of a 70 year old and bitterly regretting giving up your chance to have more children to take care of an old man.

Ardvark111 · 11/04/2021 00:46

Hi well that older partner made the right decision not to father a child,!! You should get divorce behind you before you make another lifelong commitment by having a possible 2nd child tbh .. hypocritical situation lets say you get pregnant by this older man and rship ends then what,? That's 2 children without a consistent father in their lifestyle,!! Good luck with choices you make.

Ardvark111 · 11/04/2021 00:47
  • hypothetical situation ( sorry 😂
Original poster
Lostinthesauce · 11/04/2021 00:51

@Ardvark111

Hi well that older partner made the right decision not to father a child,!! You should get divorce behind you before you make another lifelong commitment by having a possible 2nd child tbh .. hypocritical situation lets say you get pregnant by this older man and rship ends then what,? That's 2 children without a consistent father in their lifestyle,!! Good luck with choices you make.
@Ardvark111 I never said I wanted the child tomorrow, I'm talking about in the future. We have discussed getting married and building a life together. I didn't get married to get divorced and to be a single mum, no one gets married thinking they'll get divorced down the line. I think you're missing the point of this post.
OP posts:
Original poster
Lostinthesauce · 11/04/2021 00:53

@RaiseTheBeastie

You're 30. There's every chance you have another solid 15 years in which to have more children - plenty of time, more than enough.

I would end it. Or one day you'll find yourself 45, taking care of a 70 year old and bitterly regretting giving up your chance to have more children to take care of an old man.

@RaiseTheBeastie that's what makes sense to me logically but my heart is telling me otherwise. I would hate to resent someone for the way they feel, especially when they've been honest about it.
OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 11/04/2021 00:59

@lostinthesauce I kinda agree with other poster saying you still got plenty of time left tbh,!!

thatsgotit · 11/04/2021 01:01

I would end it. Or one day you'll find yourself 45, taking care of a 70 year old and bitterly regretting giving up your chance to have more children to take care of an old man.

How nasty and ageist. There are plenty of people who don't need 'taking care of' at 70 and even older. Typical MN ageism.

CJsGoldfish · 11/04/2021 01:09

You're 'in love' with someone who came along whilst your life is in turmoil and 'saved' you? Someone so much older and, quite likely, stable,?
No, I wouldn't tie myself to someone who doesn't want children, I'd be questioning the whole 'love' thing and wondering if I was just blinded by gratitude and a need to be looked after in such a traumatic time.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 01:12

No, I'd never choose a boyfriend over the chance to have a child. NO way.

Fleetheart · 11/04/2021 01:18

Personally i can understand why he wouldn’t want a child at 50, if you are really keen for another child you need to end this before too long.

timeisnotaline · 11/04/2021 01:35

In the future? Like when he’s 60? I don’t think it’s ageist to think that while there are always exceptions, 60 is pretty much always too old to have a baby.

Anordinarymum · 11/04/2021 01:38

I think he is being fair to you by telling you he does not want a child and I don't blame him either.

You need to work out what you want. I bet you regret staying with him years down the line when he is old and you still want children though

ineedaholidaynow · 11/04/2021 01:41

If he’s 55 I can’t see him changing his mind and would you really want a child with say a 60 year old. That really isn’t fair on the child

billy1966 · 11/04/2021 01:41

Enormous age gap.

Respect your hugely older than you boyfriend's wishes regarding having a child.

He is an old man.
Respect his wishes.

I am older than your boyfriend.
It is too old to have a child, by a long shot.

Harsh, but true.

Don't do itFlowers.

HeddaGarbled · 11/04/2021 01:41

I’m not a fan of your 55 year old. He found a 30 year old woman coming out of a bad break up so vulnerable, said he was up for having a child in order to get the relationship going, now he’s “re-evaluated”. Hmm 🤔

DeeCeeCherry · 11/04/2021 01:46

End it. He's not wrong to re-evaluate, many people do. Things aren't always set in stone. He would be 70 when child is still in secondary school. & For all you know, you could become your husband's carer one day. He's 25 years older than you.

Mupp64 · 11/04/2021 01:48

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elliemara · 11/04/2021 01:53

I would always prioritise a child over a partner - and especially when you're only 30. You have such good chances of finding another partner who is happy to have a child with you.

thatsgotit · 11/04/2021 01:54

He is an old man.

Eh? @billy1966 are you really saying 55 is old?!

Also, if your username's based on your year of birth, I'm puzzled by your claim that you're older than 55. Confused

Marriagegoingtoimplode · 11/04/2021 02:07

Too much of an age gap, he’s old enough to be your father.

Grimsknee · 11/04/2021 02:16

55 isn't old, but it's absolutely not a good age to become a parent for the first time. He's being honest with you now, but unfortunately it seems he strung you along at first with being "open to the idea". Sounds like you interpreted that positively but if you look at it, it's incredibly vague and non committal.
Also not a good idea to go straight out of a messy divorce into a new relationship.... it would do you (and anyone coming out of a marriage) good to be single for a while so you can evaluate clearly what you need from men.
If you stay with him and don't have a child I agree you might end up regretting it massively.

jimmyjammy001 · 11/04/2021 02:37

This is quite a common problem with older people dating younger people in their 40s and 50s, if you the younger person wants to have more children and the older person doesn't they will tell you when you first start dating, yeah one day I wouldn't mind then a year or two or three later when you are emotionally involved they will change their mind and say I'm not interested anymore, knowing full well you are emotionally involved with them now and are unlikely to leave them, incredibly selfish, but happens all of the time.
If you ever ask someone if they want children and they start hesitating walk away.

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/04/2021 02:47

Not all love lasts forever OP. Enjoy this relationship while it lasts. Don't commit financially or legally and see where you are in a year or two.

YukoandHiro · 11/04/2021 03:13

That's a big age gap - there are lots of reasons for you to pause, not just the question of kids. My DH is 12 years older than me and we have 2 young DC (and I'm not a young mum).... I'm already very aware that caring for him in later life could come as early as age 50 for me. At that point my parents were in their adult prime. We've been together a long time ana it's a decision I didn't make lightly. I would be very cautious if I were you and think about what that partnership might mean for your life, your career and your own children

Wiredforsound · 11/04/2021 06:20

I can see where he’s coming from. I’m 52 and there’s no way in hell I’d want another kid at my age.

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