Choosing a partner over kids

[Lostinthesauce]

So I am going through a messy divorce at the moment. It's still not finalised as we're going through court. Before my divorce me and stbxh had been trying for a baby, as I wanted our child to have a sibling close in age and I've always wanted two kids.

Fast forward to today, I have a lovely partner who I have fallen for and I have never experienced love properly until I met him. I am 30 years old and my partner is 55. When we started dating I told him I wanted one more child and while in the relationship he told me that he was open to the idea. My divorce is dragging, he has reevaluated his life and he's now told me he feels too old for a child. I would not have started a relationship with him, if I had known this. I am now in love with someone who doesn't want the same things I do. I love him, but I feel our relationship now has an inevitable ending. I fear that I could end the relationship and not find someone as good as him and not have children at all. But on the other hand I could meet someone and have kids. I'm not getting any younger and I'm confused what to do. If I stay with him, I fear I could end up resenting him, but on the other hand the idea of losing him scares me.

I would like honest opinions please or some advice.

Much as 50 year old men love the idea of going out with 30 year olds ime this doesn’t work. Several guys at dh sport have ditched same age wives and teens to remarry 30 somethings who then inevitably want babies! The men have largely given in but there is much resentment and moaning to peers about having to go back to baby toddler years. Must say my sympathy is somewhat limited 🙄.

46 myself and hell would freeze over rather than go back to that life stage!

@Mupp64 where does it say her child doesn't have a proper father??

[quote Ardvark111]@lostinthesauce I kinda agree with other poster saying you still got plenty of time left tbh,!![/quote]
@Ardvark111 thank you for your honest opinion.

@CJsGoldfish

You're 'in love' with someone who came along whilst your life is in turmoil and 'saved' you? Someone so much older and, quite likely, stable,? No, I wouldn't tie myself to someone who doesn't want children, I'd be questioning the whole 'love' thing and wondering if I was just blinded by gratitude and a need to be looked after in such a traumatic time.

@CJsGoldfish I do see why you have concerns due to what's happening with my divorce. Thank you for your honest opinion.

@YukoandHiro I have thought about the impact our age gap could have later in life. I do understand your concerns, thanks for your honesty.

He’s right he’s too old sorry op

@Mupp64

Get a life - What the fuck are you focusing on having another child for - your 30 - 1 child without a proper father and then you want another Your partner is 55 - far wiser Get a life and stop procreating until you understand that kids need stability- not a two bit relationship

@Mupp64 Is it crack that you smoke? I can also make assumptions too, if this is what you want to do. Who told you the father of my son does not have a proper father? You should not make assumptions when you don't know anything. Look I didn't post on here for you to insult me based on your assumptions. If you're going to be rude, please get back to your little life.

Even if he wanted kids I’m not sure he would be the right person to have them with - he’s so much older than you that before too long he would be unlikely to have the energy needed to raise a young child. You are so young yourself that I think you would be mad to give up on the hope of more children for a relationship with a much, much older man who doesn’t want the same things you do.

@Grimsknee

55 isn't old, but it's absolutely not a good age to become a parent for the first time. He's being honest with you now, but unfortunately it seems he strung you along at first with being "open to the idea". Sounds like you interpreted that positively but if you look at it, it's incredibly vague and non committal. Also not a good idea to go straight out of a messy divorce into a new relationship.... it would do you (and anyone coming out of a marriage) good to be single for a while so you can evaluate clearly what you need from men. If you stay with him and don't have a child I agree you might end up regretting it massively.

@Grimsknee he didn't state that he was open to the idea, he actually stated that yes he wanted to have a child with me. I think that's what hurts me the most about the situation, as I wouldn't have gone into a relationship knowing I have different wants etc. Thank you for the advice though, I do appreciate it.

He's right not to want this. Having vastly older parents isn't great for kids either. I met a 13 year old the other day, the parents had been to the same university as me and by calculating the years they told me they must have had their son at the ages of 45 and 68 respectively. The mum was sparky and energetic but the dad was slow and a bit doddery and you could see the frustration she had that she was running around doing everything. She kept jumping in to answer for him as well as whenever I asked him a question there was this painfully long silence as he gathered his thoughts before he responded - I thought at one point he'd fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation. The son seemed to either ignore his dad completely or jump in with his mum to answer for him and cover up the silence and never even looked at him, and walked out with his mum at the end as if they had just forgotten the dad was even there. The mum and son clearly live their lives together because he can't participate in it much anymore.

He’s way too old for you - I am 40 and can’t imagine being with someone 65! No way!! (My dh is 34). I know we are all different but honestly you’re very young and he’s not far off retirement.

Also be very careful the divorce etc isn’t making you make bad choices as a rebound thing and in desperation for another child. I got divorced at 27 and I then went straight into another relationship and found that more painful when it ended than my divorce I think because I didn’t give myself time to actually find myself again as a single person or to grieve for the end of the marriage.

You need to be alone for a while to be stronger about yourself and find someone long term who is right for you.

@jimmyjammy001

This is quite a common problem with older people dating younger people in their 40s and 50s, if you the younger person wants to have more children and the older person doesn't they will tell you when you first start dating, yeah one day I wouldn't mind then a year or two or three later when you are emotionally involved they will change their mind and say I'm not interested anymore, knowing full well you are emotionally involved with them now and are unlikely to leave them, incredibly selfish, but happens all of the time. If you ever ask someone if they want children and they start hesitating walk away.

@jimmyjammy001 the issue is he wasn't hesitant and that's the thing that has hurt me as he stated that he was certain before. I don't think he intentionally lead me on, as he has apologised etc.

I’d move on and be thankful that at least he was honest with you
At least that way you have a chance at having another child. If you stay with him you definitely won’t.

And yes you do have plenty of time. I had no kids at 30. Now have 3

@Xiaoxiong

He's right not to want this. Having vastly older parents isn't great for kids either. I met a 13 year old the other day, the parents had been to the same university as me and by calculating the years they told me they must have had their son at the ages of 45 and 68 respectively. The mum was sparky and energetic but the dad was slow and a bit doddery and you could see the frustration she had that she was running around doing everything. She kept jumping in to answer for him as well as whenever I asked him a question there was this painfully long silence as he gathered his thoughts before he responded - I thought at one point he'd fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation. The son seemed to either ignore his dad completely or jump in with his mum to answer for him and cover up the silence and never even looked at him, and walked out with his mum at the end as if they had just forgotten the dad was even there. The mum and son clearly live their lives together because he can't participate in it much anymore.

@Xiaoxiong that's the thing I've thought about, the impact his age could have on the child. I have a cousin with an older father and she's stated that she constantly worries her father will die. I'm starting to think this isn't meant to be.

@Xiaoxiong

He's right not to want this. Having vastly older parents isn't great for kids either. I met a 13 year old the other day, the parents had been to the same university as me and by calculating the years they told me they must have had their son at the ages of 45 and 68 respectively. The mum was sparky and energetic but the dad was slow and a bit doddery and you could see the frustration she had that she was running around doing everything. She kept jumping in to answer for him as well as whenever I asked him a question there was this painfully long silence as he gathered his thoughts before he responded - I thought at one point he'd fallen asleep in the middle of our conversation. The son seemed to either ignore his dad completely or jump in with his mum to answer for him and cover up the silence and never even looked at him, and walked out with his mum at the end as if they had just forgotten the dad was even there. The mum and son clearly live their lives together because he can't participate in it much anymore.

@Xiaoxiong that's the thing I've thought about, the impact his age could have on the child. I have a cousin with an older father and she's stated that she constantly worries her father will die. I'm starting to think this isn't meant to be.

@Bagelsandbrie

He’s way too old for you - I am 40 and can’t imagine being with someone 65! No way!! (My dh is 34). I know we are all different but honestly you’re very young and he’s not far off retirement.

Also be very careful the divorce etc isn’t making you make bad choices as a rebound thing and in desperation for another child. I got divorced at 27 and I then went straight into another relationship and found that more painful when it ended than my divorce I think because I didn’t give myself time to actually find myself again as a single person or to grieve for the end of the marriage.

You need to be alone for a while to be stronger about yourself and find someone long term who is right for you.

@Bagelsandbrie hmmmn you could be right, I'm not even sure how the divorce is effecting me anymore. Thank you for your advice.

I'm sorry, it's a bit of a mess isn't it? I'm not going to offer advice but personally I'd end it with him (sadly), get my messy divorce finalised, find out who I am post divorce by being single for a while and only then start looking for a new partner and potential father for a second child. I don't think he's been duplicitous but I would appreciate him being honest now and not avoiding the issue while time ticked by. Good luck.

I wouldnt have a child with a man who was 55 due to the much higher risk of the child having a disability. I say that as someone who will spend the rest of their life caring for a child that will never leave home and where risk of that happening was far lower than having a child at 55. Child cancers, autism and schizophrenia risk go up about 3 times in men fathering children in their 50's. My advice if you want another child is to use a sperm bank or find a younger partner.

He's 55...you day you want a child " in the future " , like when he's 60 ?
I can see the attraction of an older man after a horrible relationship and divorce but maybe re think your plans for the future.

Age gap relationships per se are not necessarily bad, certainly if both are fully adult when things start and they want the same things in life. But this is not that situation.

Coming out of a marriage, meeting an older, more mature saviour character who promises to give you that much wanted second child.. This sounds like a rebound relationship to be honest. You may defend against that right now, but in a few years I think you’ll possibly view it that way too.

How soon did you meet after you split from stbexh?

I think he has been quite cruel to you. It seems quite convenient to agree he wants a child when he's establishing a relationship with a much younger women, only to suddenly switch once the relationship is more established.

My gut instinct is he's showing you who he really is and he is hoping that you'll potter along with him now. Personally, I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

I think you should leave the relationship as hard as it is. You could very well find someone closer in age to have a child with. I wouldn't choose a partner over children. Not one I hadn't been with too long either.
You are still so young and can have whaat you want. I think you would end up resenting him in the end.
To those banging on about her child not having a proper dad- get a grip!
Are you saying kids that have separated parents don't have proper parents?? Lots of peoples relationships break down and they are entitled to move on with their lives and have more children of they so wish.
Anyway I think it's a head should overrule the heart situation here op.

How nasty and ageist. There are plenty of people who don't need 'taking care of' at 70 and even older. Typical MN ageism.

I totally agree. No-one needs to be 'taken care' of at 70 unless something untoward has happened, and that can happen at any age.

I personally would far rather keep a loving partner than ditch him just so I could have another child, but you need to decide what is right for you.

@Billandben444

I'm sorry, it's a bit of a mess isn't it? I'm not going to offer advice but personally I'd end it with him (sadly), get my messy divorce finalised, find out who I am post divorce by being single for a while and only then start looking for a new partner and potential father for a second child. I don't think he's been duplicitous but I would appreciate him being honest now and not avoiding the issue while time ticked by. Good luck.

@Billandben444 thank you for your advice and for wishing me luck. I do appreciate it.

@Cockenspiel

Age gap relationships per se are not necessarily bad, certainly if both are fully adult when things start and they want the same things in life. But this is not that situation.

Coming out of a marriage, meeting an older, more mature saviour character who promises to give you that much wanted second child.. This sounds like a rebound relationship to be honest. You may defend against that right now, but in a few years I think you’ll possibly view it that way too.

How soon did you meet after you split from stbexh?

@Cockenspiel we met some months after. I don't feel that this is a rebound relationship, but as you said years down the line I could. Time will tell.